Darcy

I thought a different bed would be better, but I hadn’t slept a wink for the third night in a row.

The noise of chaos got louder as I padded downstairs toward the open-plan living area. The television, the baby squealing, the crash of crockery and the unmistakable sound of my brother trying to keep his temper was why I’d come to Connecticut in the first place. Distraction. Back at Woolton, everywhere I looked, Logan was staring back at me. I needed a change of scenery. I needed to be in an environment where I could breathe again.

“Did you sleep well?” Scarlett asked. “The best part of this morning, like any morning in this house, is that we have an enormous pot of coffee. Can I get you a cup?”

“That would be great, thanks.” I could have gone to stay with Violet and Alexander, and at least then I would have been in the city, but I’d needed the noise of being here, needed the chaos that only children, my brother and his wife created. There was something about family that made me feel safe.

“You look pretty,” Scarlett said.

I’d managed to shower, wash my hair and shrug into jeans and a white shirt—Scarlett was clearly trying to make me feel better. “I’ve not slept in three days and I’m not wearing a scrap of makeup to try and hide it. I definitely don’t look pretty.”

She glanced up from the toast she was buttering. “You look absolutely wonderful—isn’t that right, Ryder?”

Ryder scooped up Toby from the floor and slotted him into his high chair. “She has Westbury genes. What did you expect?”

Scarlett rolled her eyes and gave the slice of buttered toast to her son, who placed his palm flat on the bread as if he were trying to make a handprint.

“I thought we’d go shopping today, have some lunch. We’ll take the driver so we can have a glass of champagne.”

“Aren’t you going to work?” I’d expected to spend the day messing around with the kids, getting under the nanny's feet, and maybe even taking a dip in the pool.

“Absolutely not. I want to spend some time with you. I don’t get to see you often enough.”

I didn’t want to be mollycoddled. I wanted to get back to normal, I wanted my heart to feel less heavy. “You don’t have to babysit me.”

“I know. If I thought you did, I’d leave you with the nanny. I want to take advantage of you being here, skip work and have a girls’ day.”

Ryder came up to his wife, put his arm around her neck and pulled her into a friendly headlock. “I love you,” he said and he kissed on the top of her head the way Logan used to do to me.

I turned and stared out the French doors over the water. I concentrated on keeping my breathing steady and tried to empty my mind of Logan. It would get better. It had to get better. But at the moment, all I could think about was being with him again.

“Are you ready?” Scarlett asked. “There’s a great little boutique that I want to take you to that’s only ten minutes away.”

“If you have the day off, wouldn’t you prefer to spend it with the kids?” I asked.

“Are you kidding me? I spend enough time with them already, and anyway, I think they prefer Jenny.”

Ryder chuckled. “That’s not true. I’m their favorite, and you just beat the nanny into second place.”

“They only prefer you because you give them unlimited chocolate spread,” Scarlett said.

“Whatever it takes.”

“Seriously,” Scarlett said turning back to me. “The kids have activities all day, so Jenny is really just chauffeuring them around. We can spend some time together, enjoy the sunshine and catch up.”

At that moment, Jenny appeared, all smiles and cheer, and I couldn’t help but notice the relief that passed over Ryder’s face.

“Right, I’m off to work. Try not to burn the place down,” he said to his children. “And you two,” he said, glancing between Scarlett and me. “Have some fun and I'll see you for dinner tonight.”

Scarlett grabbed some keys from a hook on the wall and her bag from underneath the highchair. “Come on, let's escape while we can. Bye, everyone,” she called as she swept out, blowing kisses into the air.

I followed her—it was why I was here in the first place. To keep myself busy. To enjoy some time with my family. To be surrounded by people who loved me.

The driver pulled out of the drive and made its way down the quiet road. I had no idea where we were going and frankly, didn’t care. The sun was out and I was three thousand miles away from Logan Steele.

“Max and Harper are coming to dinner tonight,” Scarlett said. “It’s been so long since you came over—everyone’s dying to see you.”

“Oh, how lovely. I can’t wait.” More distraction. More noise. I knew coming here had been the right decision. “Do you mind if I open the window?”

Scarlett rolled her eyes. “Not at all. But I’ll never understand why you Brits don’t embrace air conditioning.”

I smiled and opened the window just enough to feel the warm breeze on my face.

“Do you think you’ll be able to spend some time in the city before you go home? I know Violet and Alex want to see you.”

“I’ve not really thought about anything other than getting here.”

“Stay as long as you like. Move in. I have a list of things you can fix for me. In fact, I bought some of those miniature screwdrivers you love so much.”

I laughed, and it was the first time I felt it reverberate in my belly for days and the sides of my mouth strained at the unfamiliar position. “Well, you know how I like to be useful.”

“Here we are,” Scarlett said as the car pulled into a parking space. No matter how often I came to America, I was always a little shocked at how different it was. Everything from the architecture to the fire hydrants were distinctly U. S. of A. There was nothing of Woolton Village here. Nothing of Logan Steele. “There are some beautiful clothes in here, a shoe store across the street, and a bistro for lunch at the end of the block.”

I wasn’t really in the mood for shopping, but I wasn’t really in the mood for anything.

Scarlett made a sharp left as she entered the shop and began to look through the racks of clothes in an organized and precise way, one item at a time. “Have you heard from him since…you know?”

It was the first time she’d mentioned Logan, and my stomach churned. I shook my head and began to follow her, pretending to check out the rails of clothing. “No. Nothing.” A part of me had wondered whether he would have a change of heart and realize he’d made a terrible decision, but it was better if he didn’t.

“I just don't get it.” She paused and pulled out a sheer white blouse, inspecting it front and back before putting it back on the rail. “He came to dinner, met your family. He seemed so relaxed with everything.”

True. The last thing I’d wanted to do was to introduce him to Ryder and Scarlett, and I’d certainly never expected him to accept a dinner invitation. “I know, but things were really casual between us at the time—it was only when he was forced to think about the future that he clearly decided it wasn’t what he wanted.”

“What about you? What did you want?”

“At the beginning, the same thing he did.” I paused at a pair of jeans, but decided they were too similar to what I already had. If I was going to buy anything on this trip it was going to be something entirely different. “But then we drifted into something that seemed more than just physical. Still, he was the last person I expected to fall in love with. But the more we did, the more I realized that the list of attributes that I’d been looking for in a man were misguided.”

“Yeah.” Scarlett cocked her hip and held a white sundress against her body. “It’s always the ones you weren’t expecting who cause the most trouble. Look at Ryder and me.”

“I never thought Ryder would get married. Not ever,” I said. “I mean, I was grateful that he did—it saved Woolton. But he’d been firm for so long that he wasn’t the type. Then he met the woman who changed his mind. I just wasn’t the one for Logan. I have to accept that.”

“Hey,” Scarlett said, sliding the hanger back on the rail. “Don’t look at it like that. See it as a warm-up. You haven't dated anybody for ages and Logan got you back on the horse. The next guy who comes along is going to realize how lucky he is.”

Everything inside me groaned. The idea that there would be someone else? That was just crazy. I’d been on my own for so long because I rarely felt attracted to men I met—they weren’t worth the effort or the compromise. Once, I’d thought the same of Logan, but in the end I’d thought he’d been worth falling in love with. I’d been wrong.

I glanced at Scarlett, who was looking back at me. “Are you still hoping he’ll change his mind?”

“No. Not at all. It’s way too painful. I didn’t expect it to bring up so much stuff for me.” The feeling of abandonment had laid dormant in me for years. Logan ending things had brought it to life.

“But you know, sometimes guys mess up and they put it right.”

“Maybe. But the last person who’s right for me is someone who can’t handle commitment. It’s the one thing I need from a man.” I didn’t want to live in fear that I’d have to relive the pain from my childhood again.

“You said he’d never wanted kids or marriage.”

“Or even a relationship.” I’d always known who he was.

“Did he just like women? Or was there some kind of reason behind that for him?”

“He has issues with his father. But what does it matter? The outcome’s the same whatever the reason.”

“That’s the problem with these high-achieving men. They find a formula that works for them and they stick to it.”

“I guess.” The problem was, I knew he cared for me. I saw him make adjustments in his life to spend time with me. He had changed. But perhaps not at his core. Not enough.

“Well, they say that when someone tells you who they are, you should believe them.”

There was no point in hoping that he might change. Logan had a lifetime of reasons to be who he always had been.

“You will get over this,” Scarlett said.

“I know.” We were never more than some transient affair.

He was gone. I just needed to get used to the idea.

I knew it was possible. I’d recovered from worse. I had to accept that there was no pill or cream that would take it away. I needed to exist long enough for the pain to begin to fade.