Logan

Everywhere I glanced around the farm shop, I saw elements of Darcy. The attention to detail, the way there were products representing all the different skills of the village even though many of them wouldn’t sell—that was Darcy’s kind heart, which so often ruled her head. The freshly cut flowers by the till would have been her idea, too. Even the general sense of happiness in the room embodied her. But she wasn’t here. I’d been dreading this trip to the shop since my grandmother had suggested it, but I couldn’t decide if it was because I wanted to run into Darcy. Or because I was afraid I wouldn’t.

Both, maybe.

The week had been much more challenging than I’d anticipated. Even though I didn’t see Darcy during the week, I’d still reached for her every morning. Still went to dial her number ten times a day to tell her something either funny or annoying. They were all signs I’d taken things too far, left things too long. I’d never given a woman a second thought once I’d left her, yet Darcy’s memory clung to me. Her generous smile greeted me every time I closed my eyes, her sweet scent lingered on every item of clothing.

She was everywhere.

I just had to wait for it to pass—and never make the same mistake again.

I hovered by the door as my grandmother took various items to the till. It would be better if we managed to leave without seeing Darcy.

I hoped I was managing to cover up my discomfort at our parting, but I wasn’t sure how Darcy would have taken things. She was probably mad at me and I didn’t want a scene, though I’d prefer her angry rather than sad. I hated the thought that I’d hurt her, which was more proof that I’d done the right thing. Breaking up with Darcy wasn't personal—I didn’t want to be with anyone.

I willed the assistant behind the counter to pack up the items my grandmother had chosen more quickly, but they were talking and laughing and it was good to see my grandmother so happy. I just wanted us to get back in the car, to escape and then we could go back to Badsley, where I knew Darcy wouldn’t be.

I pushed my hands into my pockets grabbed my car keys as several people filed out of the shop. I tuned into my grandmother’s conversation, to see if it was wrapping up.

“She’s in Connecticut,” the shop assistant said.

He must be talking about Darcy, right? Who else from Woolton Village would have a reason to go to Connecticut?

“Oh, that’s right, her brother and his family live over there, don’t they?” my grandmother asked.

Yes, it was definitely Darcy they were talking about.

I didn’t know if her leaving the village was a good sign or bad. The thought of her hating me was horrifying, but maybe it was better that way.

“Are you ready?”

Startled, I realized my grandmother had finished at the till and was right beside me. “Yes, you done?”

“Are you okay?”

“Sure, I was just thinking about some stuff at work.” I pulled open the door, the bell above tinkling as I guided my grandmother out.

We were in the car less than fifteen seconds before the inevitable questions started.

“I don’t remember Darcy saying she was going to Connecticut, do you?”

I should have planned for this. Although I’d never told my grandmother that Darcy and I had been…What had we been? Lovers? Partners? Dating? Or just friends who hung out? It didn’t matter. My grandmother was smart enough to have seen the connection between us, and I knew that she’d been happy for me.

“No, I didn’t realize she was going.”

The few seconds of silence that followed were excruciating. I could hear my grandmother’s brain whirring.

“She didn’t tell you? When was the last time you two spoke?”

I focused on turning out of the car park, futilely hoping that she would drop it. “Umm, I’m not sure. Monday, I think.”

“And she didn’t let you know she was going?” My grandmother tapped her nails on the window frame. “What did you do, Logan?”

I changed gears and glanced over to find her mouth set in a serious, straight line.

“I didn’t do anything.”

My grandmother sighed. “Logan.” My grandmother rarely admonished me, but when she did, she normally had good reason.

“Things got a little out of hand and I—I…”

“Out of hand?”

“You know that I like Darcy, but our expectations weren’t the same.”

“Good God, Logan. What are you talking about?”

I groaned. I didn’t need Darcy to occupy my thoughts any more than she already did. “You know me. I’m not the sort of man to settle down. I don’t want a family, and that’s what Darcy needs. It’s what she deserves.”

“I’ve never understood this obsession you have with being on your own.” She shook her head in dismay. “I thought you liked her?”

“I do. She’s a lovely woman, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to change who I am, what I want, or what I know is right.”

We pulled into the drive at Badsley and I was determined to get inside as quickly as possible. Hopefully, the change of setting would encourage my grandmother to drop the conversation. I parked, turned off the engine and went to open the door, but my grandmother laid her hand on my arm.

“Just hang on—I want to hear about this.”

“Can we please just drop it? The decision is made. It’s best for both of us.”

“My darling boy, most of the time I leave you alone to make your own decisions, but I can’t stand by if I think you are hurting yourself and the people you love.”

Love? I should never have gotten involved with Darcy in the first place and the last person I wanted to hurt was my grandmother. “I know she adores you, and just because she and I are…I’m sure you will still see her.”

“This isn’t about me, Logan. I’m concerned about you not knowing what’s good for you. Darcy is a wonderful woman—she’s kind, beautiful, clever and gives you a run for your money, which is the thing I like best about her. I’ve never seen you as happy as you’ve been with her—I could tell from the moment you met her that she was made for you.”

Made for me? My grandmother didn’t understand. No one was made for me. I couldn’t have anyone counting on me.

“Did you have a fight?”

I tipped my head back on the headrest. “No, nothing like that. Things were escalating and we couldn’t keep moving forward as we were. I’ve never…” How could I explain that I was used to a series of one-night stands? “I’ve never dated a woman before. Not really. Not since university.”

“So being faithful was difficult for you?”

“No, I never wanted anyone else when I was with Darcy.” I still didn’t. Not even a woman like Abigail, who I’d put in a cab home after our drink on Monday night. “I never even looked at another woman.” Darcy didn’t leave room for anybody else.

“So why did you decide to end things?”

“Her feelings were growing and I couldn’t give her what she wanted.” I wasn’t about to tell her about the pregnancy scare.

“So, she told you she loved you and, instead of admitting that you loved her too, you got scared and threw it all away? Is that about the size of it?”

I couldn’t remember the last time my grandmother had sounded so exasperated with me. It was the same voice she’d used when I used to come home covered head to foot in mud after playing with my friends.

“It’s not about being scared. It’s about me knowing what I want, what I’m capable of. I’ve always known that I’d never settle down or have a family. It just isn’t what I want, and I had to end things before Darcy got in any deeper.”

“You’re acting as if you don’t love her. As if you were just along for the ride. But I know differently, Logan. I saw how you were together. How much more relaxed you were. How she didn’t let you take yourself too seriously.”

“That might well be true, but it doesn’t change anything.”

“Just help me understand why you’re so convinced that you don’t want to share your life with anybody?”

“I put my work first, and that will never change. I don’t have room in my life for a woman—any woman. And certainly no place for a family. All I would do is disappoint them, and I will not be that man. So, you see, although things look as if Darcy and I are suited now, it’s just not the case. I can see further down the road—I’d let her down at some point.”

I turned to my grandmother expecting understanding, but instead found pity.

“Of course you will let her down. That’s what happens. She’ll let you down and you’ll disappoint her—that’s just life. But when you’re in love, you forgive each other.”

“How you can say that after everything my father put you through?” I regretted mentioning my father as soon as the words left my mouth. We never spoke about him, and I knew that even now what had happened still hurt my grandmother.

“Oh, my dear boy. Is that what this is all about? You don’t want to make your father’s mistakes?”

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t need to.

“I had no idea. We should have talked about this years ago. First, there is no genetic code that requires you to make the same silly mistakes and unwise choices your father did. Bad judgment doesn’t pass down the generations, and you’ve more than proved you have more sense than your father ever did both in terms of business and in terms of family.”

It wasn’t that I thought that I have some genetic predisposition to let those around me down. More that I was learning from history, from someone else’s mistakes.

“It’s impossible to draw parallels between your life and his, Logan. He was a man who had his own issues. Everything had been given to him. He had nothing to work for, strive for. He just wasn’t the man you are.”

“He put himself before his family. Let people down who were relying on him. I can’t be sure I wouldn’t make the same mistake. And I won’t take the risk.”

“The fact that Darcy told you she loved you and you know it’s true is something precious and something to cherish. You are not your father—you deserve a life filled with the love of your wife, of your children. Don’t deny yourself that because of a man who’s no longer in our lives. Learn from the past, but don’t let that ruin your future.”

A hard mixture of pain, guilt, loss and love lodged at the bottom of my throat. Had I been trying to avoid a future that was never my destiny? Had I already proven I was not my father?

Had I given up Darcy for nothing?

“Well, it’s too late now. I don’t want to make promises that I don’t know if I can keep. The decision has been made.”

My grandmother flung her car door open. “Then unmake it.”

I scrambled out and around the boot to help her, but she slapped my hands away. “I’m perfectly capable. You’ve never let me down. You’re loyal and honest and hardworking. That’s the man you are. You seem to think that you don’t make promises and commitments all the time. You do to me and in business. Why are you singling Darcy out?”

“I can’t possibly have a wife and family without making mistakes, breaking commitments and letting people down.”

“And as I said, if she loves you and you get it wrong, then she’ll forgive you.”

Could that be true? Could I allow myself to make mistakes in front of Darcy and have her forgive me them?

“Just like,” my grandmother continued, “when she makes mistakes, you will forgive her. Because you love her.” My grandmother turned to look at me. “And don’t you dare deny it.”

The evidence was there. The way I didn’t notice other women when we were together, the fact that even now I couldn’t follow through with another woman, the way I hated the fact that Darcy was so far away.

I loved Darcy Westbury…and I had no idea what to do about it.

“Make it right,” my grandmother whispered. “Don’t let this be the mistake that you regret for the rest of your life.”

She patted me on the chest and headed to the kitchen, leaving me a different man from the one who had left the house just an hour before. She’d questioned my entire personal philosophy. But one thing was clear to me—I couldn’t bear the thought of not loving Darcy Westbury for the rest of my life.