Perform. Dance. Repeat.

Lance and I are part of a new modern dance fusion show that runs together the best of Eighties Dance music with current hip hop and country music, called A Crazy Little Country Called America.

It’s part musical, part dance, part play, and we were contracted from Blue Illusion to do the show.

Our performance doesn’t fit neatly into one genre category, but it doesn’t matter. Tuesday through Thursday we dance to packed houses, until the understudy dancers get to hit the stage Friday. We’ll be back Saturday and Sunday.

Thankfully, Lance and I are on the same team. It’s not too surprising, since our off-dance floor chemistry translates into complete trust on the dance floor. Our director took notice of this on the first day, flinging us into a couple of scenes together, and we’ve been crushing it together ever since.

All of my mental and physical energy goes into dance, which I appreciate. I chip away at my credit card bills, and although they’re still unsatisfactorily high, the number is at least going in the right direction.

I’m not in the mood to stop and think about the past week. Plus the fact that Josh and I already had our first date on Sunday. Well, second date if you count our run in at the club.

Turns out he’s a much nicer guy than I would have thought from the way his eyes deviously ran over me in the club.

Lance steps out of the shower as I do my makeup for the night.

“Reminder. Joseph is visiting this weekend, so I won’t be around a lot.”

“You’ve only told me like five times. Are you okay?”

Lance towels squeezes his hair.

“I haven’t seen him in the flesh for like a month. I’m actually feeling a little…nervous.”

“What’s wrong with a few butterflies?” I ask, perfecting my mascara.

He shrugs. “Nothing wrong with that. It’s just…We’ve been together for a long time. I haven’t felt like this around him in quite a long time.”

He takes my hand and puts it over his heart. “Feel,” he says.

I can feel the Baboom. Baboom.

“It’s loud,” I say to him.

“I’m nervous. I want Joseph to like my New York life.” He leans in. “I’m secretly trying to get him to move here.”

“Oh. That would be hard for him, right? Doesn’t he have his whole therapy practice in the Chicago area?”

“Yes, and he’s worked years to build it up. But he can do therapy here. I can’t dance in Chicago like I can in New York. I’m thinking long term.”

“Oh,” I say. “So like, what if he doesn’t want to move here? What will you do?”

I see Lance visibly shudder, and his shoulders close. “I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.”

I nod. “Fair enough.”

Putting shaving cream on his face, he shoots me a look out of the corner of his eye.

“What about you. It’s only the second date with Josh. Your butterflies must be out of control.”

I shake my head. “Not really.”

Lance is about to press his razor blade against his face, but he squints then turns to me, gesticulating with the blade.

“No butterflies? Seriously? It’s date two. You’ve got to ride that high as long as you can. Besides, it’s fun.”

I shrug. “I know. But I just don’t feel them. And I think it’s a good thing.”

My chest tightens, and I feel something in my body disagreeing vehemently with that last statement.

“How on earth is that a good thing on date two? Haven’t you heard of the butterfly effect?”

I furrow my brow. “The movie with Ashton Kutcher?”

“Well, yes, there’s that movie. But I’m talking about something different. Once you do things you’re not enthusiastic about—poof. You find out your life is made up of all these little decisions you weren’t really sure about, you just made them because you felt like it was your duty to be responsible, to do the right thing. And then—boom—you wake up one morning married to a guy you shouldn’t have even made it past the first date with, let alone got married to.”

“You got married?”

Lance nods. “Well, I guess we weren’t married. But we were living together, and for all intents and purposes we were married.” He gulps, then turns to me.

“I’m not supposed to ever speak of this again, but Joseph was my therapist, when I thought my life was falling apart.”

My jaw falls open.

“Oh. My. God. Isn’t that like…illegal?”

“We stopped therapy once it became apparent the attraction was too strong for either of us to ignore. He was the one who told me that if I was still thinking about dance, I had better get a move on because I wasn’t getting any younger. So I did. I love him so much. My partner before him told me I should figure out something more ‘realistic.’ And I’m getting excited talking about Joseph, especially with these newfound butterflies I have.”

“The ones I don’t have,” I say, sounding a little despondent.

My heart sinks, but I take a deep breath.

“Josh is a good man. I’m sure I’ll have fun tonight.”

Lance shaves the last bit of facial hair, then leans down in the sink to rinse. “Are you trying to convince me? Or just stating that. I mean he’s a fine guy. Don’t get me wrong.”

“I need stability.”

Lance’s jaw opens wide, and he shuts it without saying anything. Instead, he pats his face with his towel, a little too into the activity.

“What was that look?” I ask, accusatory.

“What look? I didn’t make a look.”

I bite my lower lip. “I saw that look you just made.”

He rolls his eyes and brings them back around to me. “I’m no therapist, but I think you’re just trying to do the opposite of Carter.”

“Excuse me?”

Lance exhales deeply. “Carter was fun. The most fun. Dynamite in bed. Crazy attractive.”

I put my hands on my hips, wondering where he’s going with this.

“Right?” he asks.

“Right,” I confirm.

“So you’re looking for the exact opposite. A guy you can control. Someone you can have the upper hand with.”

“I don’t know if I agree with that. I mean of course I’m looking for more stability. Anyone’s more stable than Carter though.”

“And no one is more fun than him.”

I close my eyes, a sinking feeling setting in to my whole body.

“Look. I’m not dating Carter any more. We’re totally done. So please don’t tell me how to date.”

“You haven’t told me anything that happened on Saturday when Carter came here. I know there is more to the story than ‘we had a nice clean breakup.’”

“He’s an asshole who can’t commit, and only is interested in things he can’t have. So now that I’m putting up a solid boundary he wants me back. No surprise. And as soon as I let him back in, he’ll destroy my heart again.”

Lance takes a deep breath and nods, “So that’s it? That’s the reason you cried yourself to sleep on Saturday after you got back listening to your breakup mix?”

“You heard that? And how did you know what I was listening to?”

“You share your Spotify songs on Facebook,” He says. “Great breakup music, by the way.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry. I feel like things are tense between us right now. Are we tense?”

I nod. “We’re tense.”

“I’m just worried because…”

Lance runs his hand over his already clean-shaven face, and looks up toward the ceiling.

“What? What is it?”

“If Joseph doesn’t want to move to New York, I’m not sure what we’ll do. For the first time I feel such a strong purpose in life, and not just in my relationship. I feel like we’ve really got a good thing going, here. If Joseph doesn’t want to move here…I might be the one listening to that playlist.”

“Aww.”

I lean in and we hug. “Don’t think like that. Just enjoy this weekend with him.”

“I know. I will. It’s just on my mind all the time. Long distance isn’t sustainable. How long are we going to do this? Months? Years?”

I nod, and he lets go.

“I feel better,” Lance says. “Woo, I’m getting laid tonight,” he shouts as he walks out of the bathroom.

“That makes one of us,” I mutter under my breath.

Probably.

Or.

A devil jumps onto my shoulder.

It’s been so long since I’ve gotten laid.

Over four months.

Maybe tonight is the night.