Chapter Fourteen
It was like being reborn. It always was. As soon as he was onboard, Shaw was almost overcome by a rush of relief that fought with the adrenaline still coursing through his system. He felt like his heart could discover its regular rhythm for the first time in months, if he let it. He felt like his muscles could relax at last, his eyes could close, and his brain could switch off, if he let them. He could breathe again. He didn’t have to be that guy for a while, and his whole body sagged with gratitude. Thank Christ, Shaw breathed, thank Christ. He hadn’t realized how heavy the weight of his fear was until it was lifted from him. He’d suppressed it for too long.
His body shook, now that it had the chance. He sat in the sickbay with a blanket around his shoulders, his heels beating a tattoo on the side of the examination bed.
Thank Christ.
When the medical officer cleared him, Shaw made the call to Callie.
“I’m okay,” he said. It took all his concentration to run through what had happened. He was tired. He wanted sleep. His voice was a monotone as he recounted the escape to Callie.
“Are you sure?” she asked him softly.
Shaw drew a shaking breath. “We’re okay. The operation’s all fucked-up, though.”
A six-year op. Six years of gathering intel, six years of establishing his cover, six years of doing business with men who scared the living crap out of him. He’d been so close, and he’d thrown it all away in a heartbeat to save the life of someone whose government thought he was already dead. Someone who didn’t count for anything in the big picture. Jesus, on paper this would look like the worst decision anyone could have made. And it was, of course it was, but at least Lee was off that fucking island. At least they both were.
“It’s good to hear your voice,” Callie said. “And we’ve weathered worse shit storms.”
“Yeah.” Shaw summoned the ghost of a smile. “I’ll see you soon.”
“I’ll be waiting at the dock with Molly,” Callie said. “We’ll both have bells on.”
Shaw knew she wasn’t kidding.
The hot shower was the best thing, followed by the hot meal. Shaw felt almost human again at the end of it. Almost.
He headed back to the sickbay to check on Lee and Usayd. Usayd was already up and about, testing his sling and asking for cigarettes. It would take more than a single bullet to put Usayd down; at least that was the impression he liked to give.
“I’m going to find cigarettes,” he said to Shaw.
“You’ll need an escort, sir,” the nurse told him.
“Then get me an escort,” Usayd said and left anyway.
Lee was lying in a bed. His eyes were closed, but Shaw knew he wasn’t really asleep. His hands, lying on top of his blankets, were shaking. As Shaw watched, the doctor lifted one.
“It’s okay,” the doctor said, glancing at Shaw. “It’s okay, son.”
The doctor was a small, narrow man. He was balding and wore glasses. His hands were deceptively large. He applied ointment to Lee’s raw wrist and began to wind a crepe bandage around the broken skin.
“Just patching you up,” the doctor murmured as Lee flinched. He saw Shaw watching and turned his head away.
Shaw left and headed back to his cabin.
Jesus, the week he’d had. His bosses would question every word of it, he supposed, ripping it apart to find every mistake, but he began to write his report anyway. He used a borrowed laptop. That was fucking typical as well. He’d just gotten used to the old one.
His fingers trembled as he typed. Adrenaline again. A part of him was still caught in that room, still fighting. It would take a long time before he could really relax. More sleepless nights. More nightmares. He was used to it.
He looked up when the door to the cabin opened, and Lee stepped through. He raised his brilliant green eyes to meet Shaw’s gaze, and then dropped them again. Shaw waited, and eventually Lee looked at him again. This time he didn’t look away.
Shaw felt as though Lee was looking at him, properly looking for the first time, and he really wasn’t sure what he was seeing. Shaw had seen that wary expression in a lot of people before. It always ended badly.
“Can I come in?” Lee was wearing a T-shirt, sweatpants, and joggers. It was strange to see him fully clothed. No stranger, Shaw supposed, than what Lee was seeing. Whatever the hell that was. Jesus, sometimes he didn’t know himself.
“Yeah, of course,” Shaw said. Lee closed the door. The cabin was small, and Shaw had the only chair, so Lee hesitated for a moment before sitting on the bunk. He had crepe bandages around his wrists and clean tape around his broken fingers.
Shaw closed the laptop. “Has the doctor cleared you?”
Lee nodded and bit his lip. “I, um, I have to take some pills and see him tomorrow.”
Shaw wondered what the examination must have felt like for Lee, having to show his scars and bruises to strangers and to have them all know. He wondered if Lee wished he had died with the rest of his team, or if that would only come later when he tried to pull the torn fabric of his life back together.
“I, um,” Lee managed. He cleared his throat. “I don’t know where we are, and I don’t know what’s going on.”
“You’re okay now, Lee,” Shaw said. “I promise.”
Lee looked at him warily. “Was anything you told me the truth?”
His eyes said it all: liar.
Shaw shrugged wearily. He was too tired for this shit. Not now. He needed sleep. He needed time. He needed to feel comfortable in his own skin again before he could begin to dissect it all for Lee. “I dunno. Does it matter?”
Lee leaned forward, watching Shaw’s face closely. “You’re not a bad guy, are you?”
“I don’t know anymore,” Shaw said, surprised. He’d expected recriminations. “No, I suppose I’m not a bad guy.”
Lee frowned, trying to gather his thoughts. “Why did we get picked up in the middle of the ocean by an Australian navy ship?”
“Frigate,” Shaw corrected him. “Anzac class. The crew gets shitty when you call it the wrong thing.”
“Whatever,” Lee said. He drew his brows together. “What are you?”
“I work for ASIO,” Shaw said. “Do you know what that is?”
Lee shook his head.
Typical insular American, Shaw thought, his old prejudices showing. “It’s kind of like your CIA. But smaller.” He smiled. “But better.”
Lee managed a slight smile at that, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “You’re a spy,” he said.
“I’m a spy.” It felt strange to say it aloud. It sounded wooden, like a lie. The first honest thing he’d said to Lee, and it sounded like a fucking lie. Typical.
Lee’s gaze slid away and back again. “And who is that Arab guy?”
“Oh, don’t call him that,” Shaw said. He fought to keep his smile. Keep it light, keep it easy. Let him see you’re not that guy. Show him you can smile. Show him it’s okay. “He hates that. His name’s Zev. Zev Rosenberg.”
“Is he Mossad?” Lee asked, his brows arching.
“Not that he’ll ever admit,” Shaw said.
“Will he be okay?” Lee asked.
“He’s had worse.”
Lee lowered his eyes. “Were you sent there to kill all those men?”
“No,” said Shaw, his smile fading, and Lee’s eyes flicked up again. “I was sent there to make friends with those men. To infiltrate their groups. I fucked up. I couldn’t, um…”
Lee swallowed.
“Well,” said Shaw. “I couldn’t let them do it.”
Lee nodded.
“Look,” Shaw said, drawing a deep breath. “Look, I have to write a report on what happened, and we probably won’t get a chance to talk much back on dry land. Is there anything you want me to leave out?”
Lee looked up sharply, flushing. “You mean in the shower?”
“Yeah,” said Shaw. “I mean, they’re gonna find out what was done to you. And that wasn’t your fault, you have to remember that. And that shit for the cameras, well, they’ll let that slide, I suppose. But maybe it would be a good idea, for both of us, if we shut up about that blowjob.”
He wondered if Lee would question which one of them he was trying to protect. He wasn’t sure himself.
Lee frowned again. “I don’t regret that.”
“Christ, me neither,” Shaw said too quickly. “But maybe you don’t want your boss reading about it.”
“Yeah, maybe. Okay.” Lee looked at his bandaged wrists. “Is this for real?” he asked in a quiet voice.
Shaw watched him closely.
Lee raised his eyes again. “Or am I still in that room? Maybe I just went crazy.” He shrugged. “Maybe he’s killing me right now.”
“You’re okay now,” Shaw said.
“Maybe you’re not even real,” Lee said. “Maybe I just imagined someone there who wouldn’t hurt me.”
Shaw sighed. Was it Voltaire who said that if God didn’t exist, it would be necessary to invent Him? How could Lee trust anything anymore? Jesus, he’d been teetering on the line between drug-fucked and complete psychological breakdown for months now. Maybe he really thought he’d finally just slipped.
“You’re okay,” he repeated, wondering how many times he’d have to say it until Lee believed it. “I promise.”
And there was the look of desperate trust in Lee’s eyes again. “You saved me.”
“Yeah,” Shaw murmured uncomfortably. He didn’t regret it, he couldn’t, but he’d waited long enough to do it.
Lee bit his lip and looked at Shaw through his dark lashes. “When does your report end?”
Shaw shook his head. “What?”
“Your report,” Lee said. “Does it end when we got rescued?”
“Yeah,” said Shaw. “I suppose.”
Lee moistened his lips with his tongue. “Then do you wanna fuck?”
Shaw’s jaw dropped. “What?”
Lee stood and moved to stand beside him. He raised his hand and touched Shaw’s cheek gently. “Do you wanna fuck?”
The intensity in Lee’s green eyes shocked him. Shaw felt a jolt of electricity go straight to his balls. His mouth was suddenly dry. “That’s, ah, that’s probably not a good idea, Lee.”
“Don’t you want to?” Lee asked him. “I want to.”
Shaw didn’t know how to answer that. Of course he wanted it. He’d wanted it for a week, and it had been a long fucking week. “You’ve been through hell, Lee, and I, I don’t want to be the guy who takes advantage of that.”
“You’re not that guy,” Lee said. He leaned down, his lips close to Shaw’s ear. “You’re the guy who saved my life.”
Shaw leaned away from the brush of lips on his ear. “Yeah, well, I don’t want to be that guy either, Lee. Because I don’t want you to feel like you owe me.”
“But I do,” Lee breathed.
Shaw closed his eyes. “Doesn’t matter. This isn’t the time or the place.” He heard the faint crumple of foil and opened his eyes to find Lee holding out a fistful of condoms. “Christ!”
“I took ’em from the infirmary,” Lee said. His eyes sparkled with mischief, and Shaw discovered that he liked that. He liked naughty Lee a hell of a lot more than frightened Lee, even if he knew it was false bravado. “Let’s not waste ’em.”
Shaw snorted with laughter, wiped a hand across his aching eyes, and wondered how long he’d be tasting saltwater. God, he was too tired to be having this conversation with Lee. He had his report to write and his job to worry about. This was a complete shit fight. No, what was the term he’d heard Callie use once? A goat-fuck. This was a complete goat-fuck. Shaw needed to write his report and get some sleep. He did not need Lee standing there, holding out a handful of condoms, offering himself.
“Do you want to?” Lee asked him again. He chewed his lip.
Shaw’s smile faded. “It’s not a good idea.”
“That’s not what I asked you,” Lee said in a steady voice. He fixed his gaze on Shaw’s. “Do you want to?”
Shaw’s breath caught in his throat. Couldn’t lie. Not now. Not a moral decision; Shaw just knew that Lee would see right through the deception if he tried.
“Yeah,” Shaw said, and that tiny admission felt momentous. A shiver ran through him. Adrenaline. Surrender. Something. “Lock the door.”
Lee moved quickly to obey, pulling his shirt over his head. He was stripping off his sweatpants before Shaw had even stood. He slid them down over his narrow hips, exposing an erection that was already throbbing against his stomach.
Shaw began to strip and was surprised to find his hands were shaking.
Lee looked at him hungrily. “I want to go on top. Can I?”
“Whatever you want,” Shaw breathed, pulling him close for a kiss. So good. So good to touch him without worrying about who was watching. Not taking, sharing. Want you, want this, need this, but he couldn’t say it.
No pressure, no obligation. Just, fuck, just whatever the hell this was.
Adrenaline? Closure? Fuck knows.
Just for once, Shaw tried to lose himself in a moment. Lee’s mouth was eager, greedy, and he moaned under the kiss. His hands slid up Shaw’s sides, following his ribs, his fingers kneading his flesh. Their cocks strained against one another, and Shaw reluctantly pushed Lee away before the friction undid him completely.
He climbed onto the narrow bunk, lying back. “You sure?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Lee said, but Shaw saw the flicker of fear that crossed his brilliant green eyes.
“We don’t have to do this,” Shaw told him, reaching out and encircling Lee’s bandaged wrist with his fingers. “We can get off another way.”
“How long do we have on the ship?” Lee asked him and wrinkled his nose. “Frigate, I mean.”
“Two days until Sydney,” Shaw told him.
Lee nodded and set his jaw. “Then we do this now.”
He climbed up onto the bunk.
“We don’t have to,” Shaw said. “Not if you’re not ready.”
Lee straddled Shaw’s hips and ran his hands up and down his chest. “I want to,” he said. “Before it’s too late.”
Shaw nodded. He was the rebound guy. The rebound guy after the rapists. Lee needed to exorcise those other men. Maybe he’d have to exorcise Shaw as well when he’d done that, his last reminder of that terrible place. Shaw was the bookend to his nightmares. It was enough.
Lee leaned down and kissed him, and Shaw sighed. It was enough.
Lee’s hands fumbled with the condom packet. He grew frustrated and scowled. “Fuck!”
“Take your time,” Shaw murmured. He lifted a hand to touch Lee’s. “It’s okay.”
Lee met his eyes, nodded, and finally managed to rip the packet open. He shifted back, straddling Shaw’s thighs. Shaw groaned as Lee’s trembling hands rolled the condom over his cock. Then Lee was fumbling again, with a bottle of lube this time, applying it to Shaw’s cock and then reaching around to prepare himself.
He was breathing heavily. Shaw stroked his thighs. “It’s okay, Lee.”
“Yeah.” Lee flashed him a nervous smile and raised himself up onto his knees. He gripped Shaw’s cock, angled it, and notched it against his anus. He drew a few quick breaths and began to lower himself.
Shaw bit his lip as he felt the head of his cock push past Lee’s tight entrance. He gripped the sides of the bunk to stop himself from thrusting and stared up at Lee. His stomach twisted. “You okay?”
Lee was crying. He scrubbed at his face furiously with his hands.
“Stop, if it hurts,” Shaw said, trying to lift him off.
“No!” Lee gripped Shaw’s hands and sank lower. “Don’t move, please, don’t move.”
“Lee?” Shaw gripped his hands tightly, mindful of his injured fingers, feeling Lee impale himself fully on his throbbing cock. He was so hot, so tight, but his face was screwed up with pain, and his tears were flowing freely now. “Lee, get off. Get off me.”
“Shut up,” Lee said through gritted teeth. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Fuck!”
It was torture not to move. Shaw felt every muscle in his body tense with the effort. “Lee, just get off, okay? I don’t want to hurt you.”
“No.” Lee pulled his hands free and scrubbed his face again. “Gonna do this.”
Jesus. Enough was enough. Shaw caught his hands again. “Look at me. You don’t have to prove anything here, okay? If it hurts, just get off. Come on.” He tempered his voice. “Come on, it’s okay. We’ll do something else.”
Sudoku was probably the safest thing.
“Don’t touch me!” There was real panic in Lee’s voice as he pushed Shaw’s hands away. “Don’t fucking touch me!”
Shaw frowned. “Lee, get up. Get up now!”
Lee groaned in pain, squeezing his eyes shut. “No, I’m sorry. Just stay still, please. I’m sorry.”
“This was a mistake.” Shaw tried to roll away, but Lee held him down. Fuck, he’d throw him off in a minute, and screw his feelings. “Come on, why are you torturing yourself?”
Lee’s eyes flashed open. “Got no one else to do it for me now.”
“Oh, shit, Lee,” Shaw said. “Come on, get off.”
“No,” Lee said. He drew a deep breath and began to rock his hips.
Fuck. Shaw gasped and dropped back onto the mattress. That was fucking good. Lee was so tight, so hot, and he was clenching around Shaw’s cock now. Clenching and rocking, even though he was still crying.
“Fuck me,” Lee whispered. “Fuck me, Shaw.”
Shaw gripped his hips, changed his angle, and pulled back. He felt Lee tremble and thrust gently again. That was it. That was the spot. Lee’s eyes rolled back in his head.
Exorcism, Shaw thought. You had to call up the evil thing before you killed it. And Lee needed to know he was the one in control.
“We’ll stop,” he managed, “if you want to.”
Lee shook his head, swallowing. “Don’t want to.”
Christ, that was a relief, because Shaw was worried it might have been a lie. He’d dreamed of this, of fucking Lee, but never in any of those fantasies had Lee been crying. Which was the real difference, he supposed, between him and men like Vornis and Guterman. When was the last time Lee had been fucked without tears? How long would it take him?
“Lee,” he whispered. “Lee.”
Shaw drew him closer, leaning up to kiss him, to kiss his lips and his wet cheeks and eyelashes.
“Oh, Jesus,” Lee moaned. “Will you touch my cock, Shaw?”
“Anything you want,” Shaw said, sliding his hand down into the sweaty heat between their bodies. Lee jerked and cried out as Shaw’s fingers closed around his hot shaft. “Shh. Shh.”
Lee struggled for breath as Shaw began to stroke him in time to his own thrusts. His cock pulsed. It was slippery with precum.
“Haven’t been hard like this in forever,” he whimpered. “Not with someone…someone fucking me.”
“I know,” Shaw said, licking his jawline. “I know.”
It wasn’t a fuck Lee needed, Shaw realized too late; it was a psychologist. It probably wouldn’t matter in the end even if it did feel good for him; Lee would only hate himself for it. This was a mistake. He’d just be one more regret for Lee in the end. Maybe not a horror like Vornis, but a regret.
“Shaw,” Lee moaned. “Oh, fuck, Shaw.”
Shaw thrust again, picking up the pace now. He could feel the muscles in Lee’s thighs trembling. Fatigue or pleasure, he didn’t know. He couldn’t even tell if Lee was enjoying it. His cock was hard, but his face was a mask of pain. Shaw closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see the same expressions Vornis must have.
Shaw thrust quickly now, hating himself every time.
He felt Lee’s balls draw up. His cock pulsed, and Shaw shafted it in his fist as Lee came. Lee arched up, cried out again, and Shaw came as well. It was quick, furious, and he was afraid it wasn’t what Lee needed.
Lee fell forward, and Shaw encircled him with his arms. He rolled them over in the narrow bunk, his cock sliding out of Lee’s tight passage. Shaw reached down for the blanket and drew it up over Lee’s trembling body.
He sat up, and Lee tensed.
“It’s okay,” he said. “I’m just going to clean up. I’ll come back, if you want.”
Lee twisted his neck to look at him. He nodded.
Shaw disposed of the condom and wet a washcloth under the tap in the corner basin. At least he didn’t have to walk all the way to the head. He pulled on his sweatpants again and picked Lee’s up from the floor.
He returned to the bunk and drew the blanket back. Lee lay there quietly as Shaw gently wiped him down with the washcloth. He tilted his hips obediently as Shaw pulled his sweats back on.
Shaw climbed back into the bunk. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” Lee was facing away from him, but Shaw heard the uncertainty in his voice.
Shaw drew him closer and wrapped his arms around him. “You’ll be okay.”
Lee sniffed. “Yeah.”
Shaw stroked his dark hair.
Lee’s breath caught in his throat. “I don’t know what happened there. I don’t know what that was. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” Shaw said. “It’s okay. It’ll take time, that’s all.”
“We don’t have time,” Lee whispered.
“No, we don’t,” Shaw said. He forced a smile, needing Lee to hear it in his voice. “But you do, Lee. You’ve got all the time in the world. You’ll get better.”
“I’m sorry,” Lee said. “I didn’t want it to be like that.”
“It’s okay,” Shaw said again. “It’s okay.”
He moved his hand down Lee’s body and caught his hand. He remembered their first night in the bungalow together and wondered if Lee did. He wondered if he could win back that trust. He turned Lee’s palm over and rubbed his thumb against it. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, until he could feel the tension draining slowly from Lee’s body.
“It’s okay,” he whispered, even when he thought Lee was asleep. “It’ll be okay for you.”
Lee sighed in his sleep.