Chapter Twenty
Two months later
His parents had a weekend place at Alva Beach just up from the caravan park. It wasn’t much more than an old beach shack, but it was all Shaw needed. He had been spending time here since he was a kid. Walking through the place was like revisiting his childhood. The back cupboard was full of board games with missing pieces, old issues of National Geographic that went back generations, chipped saucers, and candle stubs. The place never changed. The laminate on the kitchen bench was the same hideous orange-brown it had always been, and that piece of tin on the roof still rattled in a high wind. Shaw slept on the enclosed back veranda instead of the bedroom, the same as he always had. He even liked to hear the possums screaming in the trees at night, however much the noise grated. It took him back to all those long summers of his childhood; the hot, humid days and the nights that were just as humid, and sneaking out to go swimming in the moonlight.
Molly loved it. She’d gone feral. She’d worked out how to squeeze through the sagging wire fence. Every lunchtime since Shaw found her at the caravan park, looking sweet and hungry for the tourists at the barbeques. Shaw headed into town at the end of the week to the hardware shop to get supplies to fix the fence.
Ayr hadn’t changed a lot either. Shaw liked that about small towns. It made them good to come back to, even if he’d been bursting to leave at the end of high school. He liked how people still stopped on the street to catch up.
Shaw still had friends in Ayr. They tended to be like him, the ones who had got out before coming back. Paul, a mate since kindergarten, was now the principal of the primary school. Mike was a doctor. And Kate, who’d dropped out of high school to start a punk band, had moved back from Melbourne after her divorce to raise her kids. She was running her parents’ cane farm. Shaw knew he could rely on all of them to meet up at Alva Beach every Friday night, bottles of cheap wine in hand, to relive their teenage years. It took about half a glass each before they had all regressed into giggles and rude jokes, and saying shh! shh! shh! like they were afraid they were going to get busted every time a car drove past.
It wouldn’t be so bad here.
Shaw picked up a roll of fencing wire and then headed down the street to get some groceries. Such ordinary, everyday things, and a part of him still couldn’t get his head around it. Five months ago, he’d tortured Pieter Guterman with a cattle prod and watched as Zev cut his throat, all their throats. Now he was buying dog food and toilet paper and wondering what to make himself for dinner. He’d seen some horrible things, done some horrible things, and he was standing in a supermarket aisle trying to decide between light milk and skim milk. Or, fuck it, full cream.
He’d been able to shake things off so easily once. Before the island.
Shaw spent the afternoon fixing the fence. Molly thought it was a game. She kept bouncing away with his tools, and Shaw ran her down every time.
“Molly,” he coaxed when she was heading for the beach for the third time. “Come on, girl. Come on, Molly.”
A pair of sunburned backpackers crossed the road behind them, laughing.
When Shaw finally got the pliers off her and turned back to the house, there was someone standing by the fence. Shaw thought he recognized that height, that stance, but he was looking into the sun now and couldn’t be sure. Couldn’t stop his heart racing either.
Shaw was a mess. He was covered in sweat, sand, and dog hair. His shirt was the tattiest one he could find, and his shorts were possibly his dad’s. He’d found them in the back cupboard that morning. They had to be at least twenty-five years old if they fitted Shaw. His dad liked his beer too much these days.
He walked back toward the house, Molly at his side.
It was him. It couldn’t be anyone else. It was impossible, but it was him.
“Hey,” Shaw said and really didn’t know where to go from there.
“Hey,” said Lee.
“How did you find me?” Shaw asked, setting the pliers down on the gatepost.
“You said you’d be here,” Lee said.
“I said I’d be in Ayr,” Shaw said. “This is a little, ah, specific.”
“ASIO’s in the phonebook, you know,” Lee said.
And not exactly in the habit of giving out addresses, Shaw thought. He waited.
“It took a while,” Lee said, “but I got through to your friend Callie. She told me where you were.”
“Callie?” Shaw frowned. Why the hell would she do that? Of course. He thought back to the hotel room in Canberra. She was being his mad bitch. Shaw didn’t know if he wanted to kill her for it or send her chocolates.
Lee looked hesitant. “Um, do you mind that I’m here?”
Shaw raised his eyebrows. “I’m surprised, that’s all. I didn’t think you’d want to see me.”
Lee shook his head. “Why would you think that?”
Shaw stuck his hands in the pockets of his borrowed shorts. “Don’t I remind you of everything that happened?”
“You saved me,” Lee said, and his voice was as certain as the day he’d spoken at the inquiry. “You saved my life. You’re one of the good guys.”
His eyes shone, and Shaw wanted to kiss him then and there. But he was filthy, and he stank, and maybe it was still a bad idea, but Lee was here. Lee had come here. They both still wanted this.
Chocolates. He’d send chocolates.
“Come in,” Shaw said, and Lee picked up his bag and followed him inside.
* * * *
Shaw watched as Lee looked at the family photos on the wall. His eyes slid over them as though he was afraid to study them too closely. Shaw had no problems with that. He’d spent half his adolescence wearing braces and outgrowing his own limbs.
“This is, um, this is a nice one,” Lee said.
Two kids in shorts and singlets held fishing rods way too big for them and squinted into the sunlight.
“That’s me and Emma, my sister,” Shaw said.
Lee frowned slightly. “You said you didn’t have a sister.”
Shaw didn’t know whether or not to laugh. He shrugged instead. “I lied, Lee. It’s what they pay me to do.”
“Okay,” Lee said.
“Well,” Shaw said, heading for the fridge for beers, “it’s what they paid me to do.”
“Did you really lose your job?” Lee asked.
Shaw handed him a beer and gestured at the laminate table. “Have a seat. No, I’m still gainfully employed. I’m just on leave.” He twisted the top off his beer. “And I don’t think they’ll be putting me back in the field anytime soon.”
“I’m sorry,” Lee said, sitting.
“I’m not,” Shaw said, and it was the truth. “It was starting to fuck with my head.”
Lee looked like he wasn’t sure how to respond. He looked down instead, to find Molly’s head on his knee. He rubbed her head, and her tail thumped against the floor.
Shaw drank his beer faster than he should have. He was sure that Lee was fussing over Molly to avoid looking at him.
It’s a long way to come to avoid eye contact. You could have done that from Minnesota, mate.
“I need a shower,” Shaw said, rising from the table. “You can put your stuff in the bedroom if you want.” He saw Lee’s anxious face. “I’m sleeping out the back.”
And he wondered, when he collected his fresh clothes from the sleepout, what that was about. He wondered what Lee hoped to gain by coming here and what his expectations were. Was sex even in the picture? Shaw wouldn’t push it, but what else could Lee have thought? Shit, maybe this wasn’t about Shaw at all. Maybe this was about closure.
Shaw closed the bathroom door and turned on the shower. It didn’t matter, he supposed. At worst, they could watch TV and talk. He didn’t want anything from Lee that Lee wasn’t ready to give.
Shaw relaxed under the hot water, closed his eyes, and wondered how he felt about having Lee here, in this house that belonged to his childhood. His life was designed so that the two worlds never met. He liked it that way. This was his safe place. This was his sanctuary. But suddenly he didn’t hate the idea of sharing it with someone who needed it.
The shower door squeaked open, and Shaw opened his eyes.
Lee was fucking gorgeous. He’d put on weight since the island, filled out a bit, and it suited him. His bruises had vanished. His scars had faded. He didn’t look fragile anymore, but he still looked afraid. His green eyes were wide.
“Do you mind?” he asked in a low voice.
“No,” Shaw said, reaching out to draw him closer.
The shower had always been their confessional. Shaw wondered if Lee would always need the feel of the spray on his skin to make the words come.
“I missed you,” Lee murmured as Shaw’s lips found his throat. He let his head fall back. “I want you.”
Shaw’s chest constricted. Hope rose up, and he tried to force it down again.
“Want you too,” he said, his voice straining. He turned Lee around, following the tracks of the scars on his back with his fingertips. Lee braced his hands against the tiles of the shower wall and pushed back against him, and Shaw resisted. “No, not like this.”
“How?” Lee asked, his breath hitching as Shaw’s hands slipped down to his buttocks.
Shaw nuzzled his neck. “On the bed.”
“Okay.”
Shaw twisted the taps off and reached for a couple of towels. He wrapped one around his waist as he stepped out of the shower and held the other one out for Lee. Lee stepped forward into it, and Shaw wiped it gently over his skin. Lee’s cock was hard, engorged with blood, and Shaw wanted nothing more than to sink onto his knees and take it into his mouth. But not on the bathroom tiles. He satisfied himself with a quick stroke of that rigid flesh, loving the way that Lee trembled and gasped under his touch. He was so responsive.
Shaw took him by the hand and led him to the bedroom.
“Shaw,” Lee asked cautiously as he looked around. He tucked his towel around his hips. “Is this your parents’ bedroom?”
Shaw took in the room with fresh eyes. The sagging double bed, the patchwork quilt, the World’s Best Dad coffee mug on the bedside cabinet—filled with shells collected by Shaw and Emma twenty-odd years ago.
Lee’s gaze fell on the coffee mug, to the dusty sand dollar on the top of the pile of shells. His eyes widened for a moment—Shaw heard his sharp intake of breath and wondered at it—and then his gaze travelled up the wall.
Crap. Straight to the awkward family portrait hanging over the bed. Very eighties. His dad had a mullet. Baldness was the best thing that had happened to Shaw’s dad.
“Um, yeah,” Shaw said. His face cracked with a grin. “Too weird?”
“I don’t know,” Lee said. He wrinkled his nose, and Shaw wondered if he knew how fucking cute that was. “Are they gonna walk in on us?”
“This is their weekend place,” Shaw said. “They let me stay here when I’m in town. They’re not going to walk in on us.”
Although, now the thought was in his head, it was difficult to shake. And it would be typical of his dad to drop in to see if he wanted to go fishing, or his mum to pop by with something she’d made for his dinner because she still thought he couldn’t be trusted to eat right.
Yeah, too weird.
“Sleepout,” Shaw decided, and drew Lee through the house onto the back veranda.
“What’s a sleepout?” Lee asked curiously.
Half of the back veranda had been partitioned off when his parents had bought the house. Shaw, as the oldest, had claimed it as his own while Emma had to sleep on a trundle bed in the small lounge room. The roof of the veranda extended far enough to protect the sleepout from the weather. The veranda rails had been enclosed with wood, and the space from the top of the rails to the roof was done in mosquito netting. Or had been, when Shaw was a kid. His dad had since replaced the flimsy netting with the proper security stuff.
The sleepout looked the same. The screens let in the light and the breeze. Shaw could lie in bed at night and hear the ocean. The only difference was that Shaw couldn’t peel back this netting back and escape. Not that he had any intention of escaping now. This was exactly where he wanted to be.
Lee raised his eyebrows as he looked at the single bed. “Transformer sheets?”
“Have you got a problem with the Transformers?” Shaw asked him.
Lee raised his eyebrows. His brilliant green eyes sparkled. “No, not at all. In five minutes here, I’ve learned more about you than the whole time on the island.”
His voice was even when he spoke, but Shaw saw the flash of worry in his eyes. He wondered if it would always be there. He wondered if the sound of the rolling ocean took Lee straight back there.
Lee flushed suddenly. “It’s okay to mention it. I just…I just didn’t know if you would be okay with it.”
Shaw curled his fingers through Lee’s. “Have you been seeing someone about it?”
“A good doctor,” Lee said, squeezing Shaw’s hand gratefully.
“I bet he thinks this is a bad idea,” Shaw said before he could stop himself.
“Actually, she thinks I’m ready,” Lee said. He showed Shaw a shy smile. “We talked about you a lot.”
“Huh,” Shaw said.
“We agreed that you were a nice guy not to take advantage of me on the island,” Lee said. He shrugged. “And we disagreed on who took advantage of who on the Stuart.”
Shaw frowned. “You did?”
“You’re kidding, right?” Lee asked him, dropping his hand. “God, I threw myself at you!”
Shaw’s breath caught in his throat. “That’s not exactly how I remember it.”
Lee shrugged and looked away. “Anyway, here I am again. Throwing myself at you.”
Shaw’s heart thumped. Lee was scared. It wasn’t the same as it had been on the island. This time, he wasn’t scared of pain. He was scared of rejection. Jesus, as if he had to worry about that. Not now and not ever.
“Lee,” Shaw said in a low voice.
Lee raised his gaze.
“Whatever you want,” Shaw told him.
Lee swallowed. “What?”
“Whatever you want,” Shaw repeated. “Whatever you came here for. Just tell me, and it’s yours.”
Lee shivered suddenly, crossing his arms across his chest. “That’s a dumb fucking thing to say.”
Shaw shook his head. “I mean it. You know what I am, Lee, and you still came all the way here.” He remembered what Zev had said on board the Stuart: There’s a boy in your cabin who saw the whole thing and still wants to be in your bunk. “So, whatever you want.”
Lee looked at him anxiously. “What if I want to stay awhile? If we’re good together, I mean.”
“You can stay as long as you want,” Shaw told him, swallowing. He tried for a cocky grin. “And we’ll be fucking awesome.”
Shit, no pressure!
Lee’s lips quirked, and then he stepped forward and kissed Shaw.
Everything fell into place.
This time, they were equals, and it felt good. Shaw didn’t have to direct Lee, to reassure him, or to distract him. This time, Lee was right there with him and nowhere else. This time, there was no island, no Vornis, and no fear.
“How do you want it?” Shaw asked him, running his hands down Lee’s back.
“I want to see your face,” Lee said, his breath hot and fast against Shaw’s ear. He squirmed as Shaw’s fingers slipped under the towel and grazed teasingly against the cleft of his ass. “Oh God.”
Shaw liked the way he said that. The sharp exhalation of breath was impatient with anticipation and thick with desire. He wanted to hear it again and again. For the rest of his life, if he could, but there was no point spooking Lee with that just yet. Shaw knew how to run a covert operation. But it would happen. He’d make it happen. He smiled as Lee’s lips found his throat.
Hell yeah. He’d make it happen.
“I meant top or bottom, Lee,” he said.
“Oh,” Lee breathed. He drew back. His green eyes were wide. “You’d do that for me?”
“Whatever you want,” Shaw reminded him. He leaned forward and brushed his lips against Lee’s. “And it’s not a big ask, you know? I like to bottom as much as anyone.”
Lee raised his eyebrows. “Really? You seem like a natural top.”
“I’m versatile,” Shaw told him. “Try me.”
For a moment, Lee’s gaze faltered, and then he wrinkled his nose. “Maybe we could try that next time? I want to, but this time I want you inside me.”
“Okay,” Shaw said. “I mean, hell yes!”
Lee laughed, and Shaw thought it was the most beautiful sound he’d ever heard in his life. He caught Lee’s face between his palms and looked at him wonderingly for a moment—the real Lee, at last; the impish green eyes, the messy dark hair that wanted to curl, and those gorgeous lips curved in a smile—then pulled him close for another kiss.
Lee moaned, drawing Shaw’s lower lip between his teeth and worrying it gently. Shaw moaned as well, his cock hardening. He rocked his hips gently against Lee’s and felt Lee’s cock pressing against him. They were both at the same place. That was good.
Stop worrying and fuck him.
Shaw didn’t have to take charge. He didn’t have to push Lee gently toward the bed. He didn’t have to maneuver, to manipulate. Lee did it all. Lee’s hands were on Shaw’s hips, and he was pulling him to the bed. By the hips, by the lower lip his teeth refused to relinquish, and by the force of the heat that rose between them.
The springs on the old bed squealed in protest as they fell onto it in a tangle of limbs and towels.
“Shit!” Shaw leaned out of the bed and reached underneath it. Somewhere, between the collections of comic books and model planes and shoeboxes full of Legos, somewhere was his cabin bag. He’d shoved it there when he’d arrived and thought he wouldn’t need it for a while. He hooked his fingers around the strap and pulled it out. He hunted through it quickly, twisting his head to look back at Lee.
Lee slid his hands behind his head. “No rush.”
Gorgeous and a smartass. Perfect.
Shaw laughed at that, his fingers closing on the foil packet of a condom. He had to dig a little deeper for the lube. By the time he pulled himself upright again, he was breathless. “Found it!”
Lee’s eyes shone with lust. “You gonna get me ready?”
“Yeah, baby,” Shaw said and wondered where the hell that endearment came from. He’d never called anyone baby before, but it felt right. “I am.”
Lee bit his lip.
Shaw twisted the top off the lube and squeezed it into his palm. He slicked up his fingers and knelt between Lee’s legs. Lee’s cock was hard, pressing up against his abdomen. It was dark with blood, and the tip glistened with a pearl of precum. It twitched as Shaw looked at it, and Lee moaned again.
Lee bent his knees and drew his legs up, and then let them fall open. The muscles in his thighs were taut. Shaw slid his hands along them, and Lee sighed.
Shaw leaned forward and cupped Lee’s balls in his palm. Lee’s body jerked as though Shaw had put electricity through it. He shifted his arms back down to his sides and gripped the sheets tightly. “Feels good.”
Shaw squeezed gently. There was such a fine line between pleasure and pain, and he couldn’t walk it with Lee. Not now, but maybe one day. And he’d wait. He’d wait until Lee was ready. Because anything that Lee gave him willingly was more than enough. It was more than he deserved.
Lee’s fingers turned white, and he groaned. “More. I need more.”
Shaw slipped his fingers down to Lee’s tight entrance, teasing it with his fingertips. He circled it, pushing gently, and watched Lee’s face. Watched his brilliant green eyes, and the way he bit his lip. Shaw pushed a fingertip inside of him, and Lee arched his back. He drew a shuddering breath.
“More,” he murmured and widened his thighs.
Shaw took it slowly. Not just for Lee. For himself as well, because he wanted to see every flicker of sensation translated into Lee’s eyes, his face, and his trembling body. He wanted it to last forever.
He pressed a finger inside Lee, and Lee breathed heavily and moved restlessly. He fixed his gaze on Shaw’s face. “Please.”
Shaw withdrew his finger for a moment and then pressed two fingers inside Lee’s tight passage. He felt Lee tense and then breathe through the mild sting. Shaw sighed as Lee’s body slowly opened and accepted him. So hot. So tight. He felt the moment Lee allowed his muscles to relax, and that was when he crooked his fingers against Lee’s prostate.
“Holy fuck!” Lee almost jumped off the bed. He sank back against the mattress, wide-eyed. “Do that again!”
Like he even had to ask. Shaw’s cock was rock hard now, throbbing desperately. He’d almost lost it when Lee had reacted like that. He’d almost come like a teenager, without even being touched. Jesus, weren’t those the days? Shaw crooked his fingers again and had to take a deep breath to prevent himself from coming as Lee shuddered on the bed and clenched around his fingers.
Lee gripped the sheets tightly. “I need you inside me now!”
“No argument here,” Shaw said breathlessly. He withdrew his fingers and tore the condom open. He rolled it over his aching cock, and slathered it with lube. He shifted forward, positioning the head of his cock against Lee’s puckered entrance. He leaned over Lee, bracing his weight on one arm. He gripped his cock tightly, pushing slowly forward into Lee.
Lee arched his back. “Oh God.”
Shaw stopped. “Too much?”
“No,” Lee said. His hands found Shaw’s shoulders. “More!”
“Jesus.” Shaw gasped, feeling Lee’s tight muscles squeeze his cock.
Lee began to rock back and forth slowly, drawing Shaw deeper and deeper inside. His wide eyes searched Shaw’s face, and he smiled as he felt Shaw’s balls come to rest against his ass. “Oh yeah. That’s it.”
Shaw drew a shaky breath. Hell yes, that was it. It was everything. Lee was giving him everything. Shaw’s chest swelled with hope. He lowered himself and kissed Lee.
Lee’s mouth was hot and hungry. He dug his fingers into Shaw’s shoulders. He hooked his legs around Shaw and began to rock his hips. His mouth left a wet, hot trail from Shaw’s lips to his ear. “Fuck me. Fuck me, please.”
Shaw tilted his pelvis, changing the angle of his penetration, and Lee gasped. Shaw drew back and began to thrust. Jesus, Lee was so tight. Every stroke was fucking heaven, and the way that Lee was rising up to meet his thrusts and moaning in his ear and digging his fingers into Shaw’s shoulders so hard it would leave bruises…Shaw had to squeeze his eyes shut. The sensations were enough. If he had to look at Lee’s face as well, he wouldn’t be able to stop from coming too soon.
Shaw’s universe contracted. Just him, just Lee, just the feel of them moving together, and just the ragged sound of their gasps. And it was just right. It felt like coming home.
The wind picked up outside, and a shower of seed pods rattled on the tin roof.
He was home.
Lee came first, his cock rubbing between their straining bodies. He cried out and froze, and then his body spasmed. Shaw felt the hot spray of his cum burst between them, and he came as well. His balls contracted, and he thrust quickly into Lee as he came, riding out the crest as long as he could before falling forward into Lee’s embrace.
Lee curled his hand around the back of Shaw’s neck. “Oh God.”
Shaw pressed his lips against Lee’s jaw. He tasted of sweat. “Awesome?”
Lee turned his head, his mouth searching for Shaw’s. They kissed, and Lee’s smile broke it. “Fucking awesome.” His laugh was breathless. “Arrogant asshole.”
Shaw smiled as well, rolling off Lee carefully and then drawing him into a gentle embrace. “Welcome to Alva Beach, Lee.”
Because Lee was home as well.
* * * *
“Hello?” a voice called. Shaw heard the screen door squeak open. “You home?”
“Shit,” Shaw said, scrambling for his clothes. It was Paul. “It’s Friday, isn’t it?” He raised his voice. “Give me a minute, mate!”
He pulled the doors of the old wardrobe open, wincing as he stood on a long-discarded piece of Lego.
Lee sat up, reaching for his towel.
“I forgot it’s Friday.” Shaw pulled on a shirt and a pair of jeans and tossed some clothing Lee’s way. “My mates are coming over for drinks.” He caught Lee’s worried look. “You’ll like ’em.”
Lee stood and began to dress. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” Shaw crossed the floor and pulled him close for a moment. He smelled of sweat and cum, and Shaw kissed him softly. “They’ll like you too.”
Lee pulled back. “What are you going to tell them?”
The ghosts of the island flashed through his brilliant green eyes.
Shaw hooked his fingers through the belt loops of Lee’s jeans. He kept his voice low. “I’m going to tell them we met through work. I’m going to tell them you’re my boyfriend, and you’re moving in with me.”
“Am I?” Lee asked him, fumbling with the buttons on the shirt. He worried his lower lip with his teeth. “Is that really happening?”
“If you want,” Shaw said. He held Lee’s gaze. “Do you trust me?”
The moment of truth. Shaw didn’t think he could breathe.
“Always,” Lee said seriously.
And shit, it was true. It had been true since the moment they’d met. Shaw hadn’t deserved it then—he’d hated it—but now he wanted Lee’s trust more than anything. And he’d make himself worthy of it. He’d treasure it; forever, if Lee let him.
“I don’t deserve you,” he murmured.
Lee frowned slightly. “You’re a better person than you think, you know.”
Shaw couldn’t remember the last time someone had believed in him like that. He swallowed with difficulty around the sudden lump in his throat. “Jesus, I really don’t deserve you, Lee. You’re amazing.”
Lee flushed and wrinkled his nose. “Shut up.”
It was another moment Shaw wanted to last forever, but he could hear Paul stomping around in the lounge. A moment later, Paul yelled out again: “I got some chips. Did you want anything else?”
“No, we should be good,” Shaw called back. He kissed Lee again. “You okay?”
“I’m okay,” Lee said. He drew a deep breath. His eyes shone.
“Jesus Christ!” Paul called out from the lounge. “What the bloody hell are you doing back there, Matty? My beer’s getting hot, and your dog is molesting me!”
“Mate, you know where the fridge is!” Shaw frowned at the look of confusion that crossed over Lee’s face. Shit. “Yeah, about that…”
“Your name’s not Adam Shaw, is it?” Lee asked him quietly.
“It’s Matthew,” Shaw said. “Matthew Sinclair.”
He waited, his heart thumping, for Lee’s response.
Lee looked at him for a moment, his green eyes wary, and then he relaxed and smiled.
“Fucking spies,” he said and stuck out his hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Matthew Sinclair.”
They walked outside together.
THE END