Chapter 14
Nick's answer didn't do much to make me feel better. His presence, however, did. Just knowing that Death was Nick, and he'd come to make sure I was ok eased some of the guilt.
Some. Not all.
"What do you mean, not supposed to exist?" I tapped my chest. "I'm just a stupid college student hoping to pay her bills!"
Nick tilted his head to the door beside me. "Can I show you something?"
"Sure." I mean, why not, right?
He gestured to the office before walking in. When I passed through the doorway, it was like cobwebs tickled my skin, but before I could look, the feeling was gone. Nick hadn't paused. He headed to a long desk, the surface almost like a tinted mirror. As he reached it, he waved his hand across the top and ghostly images rose like holograms. I didn't understand, and my mind was too full to ask. Stunned, I just moved to his side and watched.
He spread his hands and pulled, like a larger version of zooming and moving a photo on a tablet. When he stopped, I recognized the pattern. It was a map of the town. The neighborhood was mine. Unlike most maps, though, this one was encased in two overlapping, translucent bubbles. The inner one was pink, the outer one yellow.
"My place." Nick pointed to the outline of his house. "Yours." He gestured a few streets over then knelt, gesturing for me to do the same. Eye level with the table, I could see layered peaks in the bubbles jutting down toward the city. The point of the yellow was centered directly down that of the pink. Nick glanced at me. "See it yet?"
"The funnel-looking things?"
He nodded. "Where are they?"
I looked closer. "Over your house?"
"Yeah. Look at the shape though, the whole shape."
That's when I realized the entire bubble wasn't a perfect circle. It leaned inward as if pulled by a vacuum toward the neighborhood we were in. Those peaks were just the most obvious part.
"The bubbles are the veils?"
He nodded slowly. "And something is bending them. That something seems to be in the exact same location you are. Always."
"I'm bending the veils?"
Nick shrugged one shoulder. "It's our working theory but not even Merlin could bend the veils like this. We expected a weapon, not a human. That's why I was there when the robbery happened. I wanted to know what the angels were doing to alter reality. It was you."
I took a deep breath and looked back at the map. "Am I a weapon, Nick?"
"Do you want to be?"
That was not the answer I'd expected. "No!"
"Then you aren't." He pulled himself back to his feet. "Unfortunately, if the angels get their hands on you, you won't have a choice. They will make you a very bad deal, and you'll take it."
"Like Luke did?"
He chuckled. "Luke's deal was pretty good. He really can't harm you now, not without a few wounds from it."
"Wait." I rubbed my hands over my face. "Why not?"
Nick tapped his head. "Aether. Luke used his talent to create a cause and effect loop between the two of you. Think of it like holding a lion on a rope. You can pull, but it can always pull back. If you thanked him, then he must do something to complete the loop. In this case, refrain from intentionally harming you."
"And if he doesn't?"
Nick shrugged. "Then the deal is broken, and the backlash will happen in his mind, not yours, because of the way it was made."
"And if it was made differently? I mean, if he said that he'd protect me so long as I could fly, and I failed to fly, then I'd be breaking the loop, right?"
"Yeah." He took a deep breath. "And when you didn't fly, the loop would break, harder if there was a time limit on it. It could kill a normal human."
"But I'm not normal?" I wanted him to say I was wrong.
He didn't. He just pointed to the map. "In history, only a few beings have ever warped the veils. Humans called them gods, but we called them powerful. Many were the offspring of angels and humans or demons and humans. Some were fae or satyr."
"What am I?"
Nick shrugged. "All I know is that you pull at the veils as hard as Jesus."
"Like, the crucifix one?"
He laughed and shook his head. "Michael's first child. He was half human, half angel, and believed it when he was told his father was the one and only god. The poor kid never knew any better, but yes, that Jesus, and yes, that got to be a pretty big mess, but the angels loved it. They used the man to further their goals, letting him do his best to explain science far beyond anything people could grasp at the time. In the end, humans lined up to donate their aether, making our enemy so powerful they made it all the way into Vesdar and were battering the veil to Daemin."
"So y'all can have children with humans?" Of everything he'd said, I think that shocked me the most.
"Yes." He gestured and the map went dark, looking like nothing more than a reflective table again. "Don't worry. Birth control works with us as well as it does with humans."
I nodded and made my way to a couch set against the wall, then dropped into it. Nick watched while I took a handful of deep breaths, trying to make sense of everything he'd just told me. It didn't help. I felt my throat closing and pressure at the back of my eyes. This was all happening a bit too fast! I was supposed to be working toward a normal life.
"What do I do now?" I asked softly.
"What do you want to do?" He moved before me, squatting down to meet my eyes. The concern was clear on his face.
It was too much. I wiped at my nose, hoping it wasn't running because my eyes were threatening to leak. "I just wanted a degree." With each word, the tears pressed harder, like the dam was cracking. "I worked so hard for this. After everything I dealt with growing up, I just wanted to have a normal life. I wanted to prove I could succeed on my own! I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt!"
That's when the first tear broke free. The image of Jamal stained with blood hung in my mind as I struggled to hold the others back, but it wasn't going well. All of this was my fault. Me, the unimportant girl no one would even miss. People had died because someone else wanted to get me. More probably would, and my life would never be nice and easy.
Hearing all of this felt like being told I had cancer. It was terminal. It would never go away. There was nothing I could do except try to cope, but that was easier said than done. I was cursed, actually cursed, and everyone around me would end up paying the price.
Sitting there with an overfull brain, trying to decide if being special was worth all of this, the only thing I could do was give in to the moisture brewing in my eyes. The life I knew was over. Forget being cool and special – or even boring! If I wanted to keep people safe, that meant I had to spend the rest of my life all alone, and even that wasn't a guarantee.
"Hey," he whispered, pulling me against his chest. "Don't cry, dove. We won't let anything happen to you."
"Can you make it all stop? Can you make me normal?"
He crushed me against him, strong arms nearly suffocating with the pressure. "No, but I can teach you how to protect yourself."
I pulled back and wiped at my face. "Is that going to keep happening? Are people going to die everywhere I go?"
"People always die." He tried to make it sound reassuring, but the words were wrong.
"People don't always die because of me!" I took a long breath. It shook as it entered, and I looked down at my hands. "Can you make it stop? Just unmake me or something?"
He might not be able to change what I was, but he was Death. He could make my life end, saving those around me. Saving people like Jamal, or anyone else who got caught up in my bad luck.
Nick pressed his large palm against my cheek, his thumb smoothing away the line of tears. "I won't do that, Sia."
"But you can." I knew how to read between the lines.
"I won't."
"Why not? I'm a flash in the pan to you. I'm no more important than some fly buzzing around your head. Just pull the aether and stick it in your veil. If I'm something special, then maybe I have a lot of it or something."
"Could you just kill a butterfly because it landed on a flower?" He tilted his head, watching me, waiting for the answer.
"What?"
"I mean, it's easy to kill a wasp that's about to sting you, but a butterfly?" His thumb swept across my cheek again. "So perfect and gentle. So beautiful. It does nothing but exist, yet makes anyone who sees it a little happier. Could you kill it?"
"To save hundreds of butterflies? Yeah."
The corner of his lip twisted. "Then you're stronger than me. I will not, so don't ask me again."
"Then I'll ask Sam."
I tried to stand but Nick's hand pressed down on my shoulder. "He wouldn't dare, even if he could. Stop acting like a child, Sienna."
"I am a child! I'm twenty-four years old, Mr. I-Walked-With-Dinosaurs. Not even a quarter of a century."
"And the strongest Muse in history." Nick's hand refused to let me up. "Do you know what you could do, even as a child?"
"No."
"You could banish demons and angels from Earth, preventing them from doing anything to any more humans. You could inspire acts of greatness that cure diseases and stop famines. You, Sienna, could make your world a much better place." He finally released me, his hand shifting down my arm. "And you could strengthen the gates of the veil to make Daemin safe from angels again."
With everything he'd said, I'd never thought his home might be suffering from the war. For some reason, I'd assumed it had been fought on the other worlds – like mine. Never in his own backyard.
I wiped at my eyes. "Is it bad?"
He nodded. "Daemin is eternal, just like we are. Nothing dies. Our food comes from plants that regrow and animals that regenerate. Aether from there is thick and strong, but always in use. There is no abundance and no way to make more."
"What happened?"
He rocked back on his heels and swallowed. "Angels came and tried to pull aether from our world. Beasts fell unconscious and plants wilted on the stalk. People were left in comas, unable to regenerate because there's no extra aether in the atmosphere." He looked up at me. "Many are still affected, their bodies protected by others, but they will never wake unless we can find enough aether to refill what they lost."
"Can I help?"
He nodded slowly. "I hope so. From the moment I realized what you could do, I've hoped that you'd be willing."
"Can I think about it?"
"Yeah." He reached up to my face again and wiped at the line of dry tears. "This isn't worth crying over, little dove. I saved Jamal. I'll take care of anything that matters to you. Those kids in the other car? They didn't deserve my mercy. They certainly don't need yours."
He was so impossibly beautiful. Everything about Nick Voland had been crafted to be pleasing, and even knowing it wasn't his real form, I still felt my heart beat a little faster when he called me his dove. Sitting so close, all I'd have to do is lean closer and our lips would touch. My eyes flicked to his mouth, then back up, hoping he hadn't seen.
"Why did you save me that day in the gas station, Nick? If you'd done nothing –"
A chuckle came from the hall. "Yes, why did you save her, Nick?" Luke asked.
I jumped back, aware of how intimate our posture was, then glanced at the door. Nick leaned away as well, but slowly, as if he had nothing to hide.
"I didn't break any rules," Nick replied. "I didn't tell her anything they could use."
Luke made a disparaging sound and waved that away. "Like I give a shit, but I'm betting you didn't tell Sienna all that, did you?"
"She didn't need to relive it."
Luke raised an eyebrow. "She's stronger than you think. If you'd kept your hands to yourself, she might have drained him, saving you a lot of time talking."
"What?" I looked between them but they both ignored me.
Nick lifted his chin in defiance. "I was simply stopping the angels' plan."
"Bull." Luke crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the door. "I've broken every damned rule that exists at least once. No one gives a shit anymore. Why did you save the human, Nick?"
"Because it was the fastest way to stop Michael from harvesting her aether!"
Luke shook his head. "Try again."
"Damn it, Lucifer –"
"Whoa!" I stood up, turning so I could see both of them.
"Luke," Nick corrected, knowing it was already too late.
"Cat's out of the bag, now." Luke turned to me. "Scared now?"
"A little," I admitted. "You're really the devil?"
"No," Nick assured me.
This time, I was the one doing the ignoring. The creepy guy was Lucifer? No wonder I didn't like him! "I made a deal with the devil?"
"He's not the devil," Nick said again. "It's just propaganda to punish him for defecting."
"Are you the devil?" I asked, staring only at Luke.
He grinned. "Yeah. Too bad devils don't exist. It's just something angels made up to scare humanity. Here's what I don't get, though. We basically tell you that there's no heaven, no hell, and you're ok with that. You met Nick, named him Death, and were dying to stick your tongue down his throat, but you hear my real name and you act like I'm the bad guy?"
"If you're Lucifer, who's Nick?"
Nick shook his head. "We've used many names over the years. What I used to be called isn't important."
So he still wouldn't tell me. "Ok, then Sam?"
Luke answered, "Samyaza."
I racked my mind. "Nope, don't know that one."
"Demon of Seduction. He supposedly convinced the angels to lay with women," Nick said. "He didn't, and he was never an angel, but he did make a reputation in bed."
"And a few dozen kids," Luke added. "Unlike Nick, who keeps his hands off." He looked between the two of us. "You training her?"
Nick shrugged. "Hoping to, if you don't scare her off first."
"You'd better start." Luke looked up at me and winked. "If you ask real sweet, I can make you rich too, babe."
"What do you want for it?" I knew how this worked. Lucifer did nothing for free and couldn't be trusted.
He looked back at Nick quickly. "A favor in the future."
"No deal."
Luke pushed himself away from the door, walking in slowly. "Would you excuse us for a moment, Nick?"
"Leave her alone, Luke."
"I still can't hurt her, remember?" Luke looked back to me. "Ten minutes. Please?"
"Fine."
Nick sighed and left the room, pulling the door closed behind him – and my pulse quickened. Luke watched him go then walked right up to me, his chest nearly bumping mine, forcing me to fight the urge to step back. At my defiance, he laughed.
"I'll make you a very comfortable human. Plenty of money and everything your heart desires if you'll answer one question for me?"
"No."
He grinned. "I'll ask the question first, then you can decide." He leaned closer, and this time I did step back. "Why didn't you kiss him?"
"What?"
"You heard me. You were sitting so close, but you didn't do it. Why didn't you kiss him?"
I shook my head, not understanding why that would matter and trying to find a reason. "Because he's the Angel of Death?"
"Are you scared of him?"
I laughed at that. "No. I mean he's seen dinosaurs. I'm nothing more than a fly to him."
Luke looked at me, drawing out the silence, then whispered pointedly, "A butterfly."
I clenched my teeth, realizing what he was pushing at. "I didn't kiss him because not everything is about getting laid, Lucifer. Yes, he's the hottest man I've ever seen, but he already told me he made his body, tailored to fit his needs, right? The only thing I know about him is that he kills people and that nothing in this world makes sense anymore. I feel a bit like y'all are playing a very nasty joke on me, and that doesn't exactly make me wanna jump in bed with anyone."
Luke nodded. "Ok." He reached up and grabbed my chin, forcing me to look into his eyes. "Nick has been my friend for nearly five million years. He's the one who stood up for me when the daemoni wanted to drain me dry. In all that time, he's done everything in his power to be invisible to humans." Luke tilted his head. "And he's accidentally broken a few who realized what he is. But you're different. He saved you because, for the first time, that demon wants to protect something, and that something is you."
"Why?"
Luke chuckled. "Why don't you want to kiss me, Muse?"
I laughed in his face. "Because you're a dick."
He nodded in agreement. "Exactly. Just imagine that you could never touch the beautiful things in life without breaking them. Imagine for a moment that your name was used to scare children into good behavior. Imagine that your face made people weep and beg for your enemy to save them, and then think about what it would feel like to have a delicate little butterfly seek you out. Imagine one frail little girl who fought against all odds just to find you again." He ran his thumb across my chin, refusing to break the gaze. "You aren't afraid of him, Sienna, and that's why he saved you. That's why he keeps coming back for you."
"Oh."
"Yeah, 'oh.' So now here's the deal we're going to make. You look up the history of the phrase 'little dove.' Regardless of what you find, I will make sure that good things begin to happen in your life. Do we have a deal?"
I remembered Nick's warnings about making deals with Luke. "No."
"You already know you're going to do it." Luke turned my chin slightly. "Do we have a deal?"
"What will I get?"
He laughed, nearly breaking the gaze. "I'll make sure everything from that accident the other night goes away, just for starters. From there, I'll see what else I can do." He took a long breath. "Do we have a deal, yet?"
"No, Lucifer. I'm not making any deals with you. If you want to prove you're not a dick, you can do it without anything from me."
He smiled and released me. "Shame you feel that way, because Nick's coming back."
"Luke?" I wondered why he'd come in here, and why he cared what I thought.
"What now?"
"Is this how you're always going to look to me? I mean, like men?" I bit at my lips, trying to find the words to ask the question plaguing my mind. "Am I going to ever see your true forms?"
"True forms? You mean, what we look like in our own realms?" He shrugged. "Does it matter?"
I didn't want to explain, but I hoped Luke would answer. He was enough of an ass to be honest. "I don't want to be scared because I wasn't expecting it."
His impish nature dissolved, leaving a beautiful but serious man before me. Suddenly he was just a person, no longer terrifying, no longer something to fear. Luke looked at me as if measuring something in my personality, then nodded. "We'll talk about this more later, ok? Tomorrow?"
"Ok."
"Thanks, Sienna. Thank you for trying." He smiled weakly, the first honest one I'd seen from him so far, and I decided he might not be as bad as I thought.
"Yeah. Why'd you join the demons anyway?"
He looked back at the door quickly. "Because I believe in free will. Midworlders should be more than livestock, but the angels don't agree. They think you're nothing more than a crop for us to use. They think you're too stupid to understand us."
"Or fight back?"
"Or that." Luke pressed his lips together and took a step toward the door. "I should probably also tell you that the only person in five realms who can pull aether from me is Nick."
"But..."
He nodded. "And you. Not even the Archangel Michael could unless I offered it." He opened the door, nodding to someone on the other side, then left.
I wasn't surprised at all to see Nick standing there, waiting. "You ok?" he asked.
Oddly, I was. "I think Luke and I just came to an understanding."
He sighed. "Good. He really is a decent guy. I mean, he acts like an angel and all, but his heart is in the right place."
The irony of his words made me bite my lip to keep from laughing. "I thought demons were supposed to be the bad guys."
Nick shrugged. "Define good and bad?" He took a step closer. "Are you ready to head home yet, or did you have more questions?"
"I have so many questions I can't think of them all."
"I'm sure." He looked at his watch. "Just didn't know if you were aware of the time."
"Not a clue."
"Almost ten." He took another step closer. "We have a spare room if you'd rather keep going, or I can walk you home at any time. I'd just really prefer that you aren't on the street alone. The angels are moving into town, which means they know something. That's why Luke came when I asked for a ride. They have to have noticed the peak in the veils has stopped moving, and probably want to know why."
"And what about tomorrow when I walk to class? What about tonight when I'm asleep?"
He took the last step, standing just before me. "One of us will be around. The other night, you caught me warding your house. One of the many things I was blocking out was the angels. We will not invade your privacy, but we won't leave you unprotected, either. I swear it, Sia. I won't let them hurt you."
Unconsciously, I reached up and rested my palm against his hard chest. "And when are you going to explain calculus?"
He glanced away quickly, that surprised smile playing on his lips again. "You aren't running away from me yet?"
"I've spent four years trying to find you, Nick. I have no intention of running away anytime soon."
"Sia." He clasped my wrist, gently caressing the underside. "This is a lot to drop on you. You need to take some time to think about it."
"What?!"
Hearing the frustration in my voice, he smiled. "Dove, I'm not going to disappear again, but there's no need to rush things. You have an entire life to live. Go home, give yourself time to let this sink in. Think about what you really want. I don't want you to throw everything away because it seems exciting right now. I promise, it's not. What we're asking of you isn't a small thing, and I won't think any less of you if you'd rather live a normal life."
I couldn't believe him. "And that's it?"
"For tonight. One of us will keep an eye on you, but you probably won't even notice. Just give yourself time to process this, because if you get mixed up in our mess, there isn't any going back." He tilted his head toward the door. "And I'm going to be a gentleman this time and walk you all the way home."
I let him lead me out of the house, but I knew something he didn't. I wasn't exactly the kind of girl to change my mind. I was already committed. I'd found my Death, and I'd be damned if I just let him slip away. Besides, it wasn't like I had anything left to lose.