CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

“So, what do I do now?” Andrew asked nervously, tiny beads of sweat forming along his hairline.

“Ask her out!” Gabby said excitedly.

It had been a little over a week since the fire at Brandt’s house, and Sabrina and the other Lost Causes were sprawled on lawn chairs at the Cedar Springs campground, thousands of stars twinkling above them. The case might be over, but their friendship had survived.

The campsite was completely deserted, summer too long gone for tourists and fall too chilly for locals. But it was perfect for the Lost Causes, who pulled right up to a cozy spot by the creek in Z’s Range Rover and popped open the trunk, which they’d stocked with snacks and drinks.

As soon as they got there, Z informed them she had big news she’d been waiting to drop on Andrew. Earlier that day, when Ali Hanuman had approached their lunch table to remind Andrew about a Mathletes meeting, Z had heard her thoughts. Apparently, Ali had a major crush on Andrew. Sabrina tried not to laugh watching Andrew hear the news and go from shock to excitement to panic all because a girl liked him.

“Ask Ali out? H-how?” Andrew stammered, as if he’d never heard of the concept before.

Justin raised an eyebrow. “Seriously, Foreman? You’re a genius and you need us to spell this out?”

In some ways, when they were all like this, laughing together, the night of the fire already seemed forever ago to Sabrina. But then she would look down at the burn mark on her arm or the bandage on Gabby’s hand where the bullet had grazed her and remember just how recent it actually was.

In the haze of those first few days, they’d all been debriefed by Nash and his boss, Carl Plouffe. Since then, they’d gotten sporadic updates. The serum was presumed to have been burned in the flames at Brandt’s house. A story had been spun to explain the fire to the media, completely omitting the Lost Causes’ presence there at the time.

But the biggest news Sabrina and the others had received was that Patricia had kept both Lost Causes programs a secret from her supervisors at the FBI. Brandt had been right. Patricia and Lily had rammed Amy’s car over that bridge to keep their secret from being exposed. Nash had also been kept in the dark about everything. Even though he and Sabrina had barely spoken in the days since the fire, it was a relief to know he hadn’t been lying to her. He’d been looking out for her from the start. She allowed herself to wonder if maybe now that the case was over, there was still a chance for her and Nash to be together (whatever that meant …).

Not likely, she told herself. Though he was no longer off-limits per se, Nash hadn’t reached out to her personally since the night of the fire, outside of the briefings and updates he conducted with the Lost Causes. She knew he’d been busy since the showdown at Brandt’s house, even traveling down to Albuquerque for a few days, but his absence still stung. She had started wondering if, in his mind, now that the case was over, so was whatever they had shared, but that idea was so painful, she couldn’t quite let herself believe it yet.

Sabrina turned her focus back to the group.

“I just meant there are lots of different ways to ask a girl out,” Andrew was saying, his cheeks still red. “Am I supposed to call or text?”

“Call!” Sabrina said in unison with Gabby.

Z shook her head. “No way. Calling feels so formal. Like we’re our grandparents worrying about courting rules. Calling makes you seem desperate.”

“I second that,” Justin agreed. “Go for the text.”

“If you want some intel before the date, I’m happy to keep listening in on what she’s thinking,” Z said. She threw a chocolate candy in the air and was about to catch it in her mouth when it suddenly zipped across the campfire and into Justin’s hand. Z shot him an unimpressed look. “Not funny, Justin.”

“Don’t do anything like that in front of Nash,” Andrew said. “I don’t want to give him any more reasons to inject us with the antidote.”

Nash had texted them all a few hours earlier saying he had to speak to them that night, and for the past hour, they had been debating the reason for his urgency. Though Andrew held out hope that perhaps the FBI had a new case they wanted the Lost Causes’ help with, the theory they settled on was that Nash planned to tell them that they needed to be injected with the antidote. Now that they knew the Lost Causes program had never been officially authorized, it made sense that the FBI would want to eliminate all traces of the serum and its effects. Nash had already told them Patricia had been ordered to destroy it a decade ago, which was why Patricia and Lily had hidden it in the first place. The question the Lost Causes kept circling back to was what that would mean for all of them.

“It’s not like he can tie us down and force us if we don’t want it,” Justin said.

“They’re the FBI. They totally can,” Z replied.

“What if he lets us choose?” Sabrina asked. “Would you want it?” Sabrina knew Z had been slightly worried by the nosebleeds she kept getting whenever her ability was put to good use. Between her nosebleeds and Andrew’s headaches, they’d all been talking about whether new side effects from the serum would pop up over time. Not to mention how delusional Beswick and Jarvis had become. Was that some kind of long-term result the five of them were yet to experience? It was a reason to think about taking the antidote.

“Take the antidote and give up my special gaydar skill? No way,” Z told her. It didn’t matter that she masked it with sarcasm, Z was worried about her depression returning in full force. Justin and Gabby had already said earlier that they would fight not to take the antidote. Gabby had felt liberated, free of the constraints of her OCD, and the trade-off of having visions was one she’d take any day. Justin said it was a no-brainer, too. The serum made him more dominant at football and he wasn’t angry at the world all the time.

“Obviously, I don’t want it,” Andrew said. “What about you, Sabrina? If he gives you the choice, what will you do?”

“I think I want it.” She hadn’t made up her mind for sure until right this second. Saying it aloud assured her even more it was the right decision. The person she was now — the person who she’d been for the past two weeks — that was who she really was. Not the self-medicating stranger she’d transformed into. Serum or not, there was no way she would let herself become that girl again.

Andrew interrupted her thoughts. “Hey! Maybe we’re all wrong. Maybe Nash wants to meet because we’re getting some kind of medal.” A smile slowly formed on his face. “Like the FBI version of a Purple Heart or a Bronze Star.”

“We should get something,” Justin agreed. “We saved their asses.”

“We were pretty awesome,” Z responded. “We basically saved the world.”

Sabrina held up her cup. “To us. For being awesome.”

They had just clinked their cups when the sound of a car silenced them. Nash pulled into the park area.

Sabrina wished her heart wasn’t racing in her chest at the thought of seeing him, but apparently it was out of her control. As he reached the group, the knots in her stomach tightened. He managed to give them a quarter of a smile as a greeting, then launched into business mode. Some things never changed. “I wanted to give you all an update in person.”

Before he could continue, Andrew blurted out, “Are you here to inject us with the antidote?”

The muscles in Nash’s jaw tensed. “No.”

Andrew grinned and Sabrina gave his shoulders a squeeze. Gabby, Justin and Z relaxed. Everyone was going to get what he or she wanted.

Nash cleared his throat. “Because I don’t have one.”

Sabrina let herself pretend for one second that she hadn’t heard him right. Then her heart sank. “What do you mean? Patricia told us we could use it whenever we wanted.”

“I know. But she never told me where she kept it. And to be honest, I’m not sure if it ever existed.” Nash was looking at everyone except her.

She was silent, trying to wrap her head around the fact that she would be seeing ghosts for the rest of her life. When she looked up, the Lost Causes were staring at her, devastated on her behalf.

“But Sabrina —” Gabby started to say something to Nash, but Sabrina cut her off. She didn’t want a pity party.

“Guys, it’s okay. I wasn’t sure I wanted it anyway,” she lied.

“I’m sorry.” Nash finally locked eyes with her when he said it. “As you all know, I was kept in the dark about a lot, as was my boss. But we’re working on creating an antidote as we speak. Patricia didn’t leave any kind of blueprint behind for how she isolated the compound, but there’s a team in the lab working on it. These people are the best in their field.”

“But we don’t have to take it if you do get one. You can’t force us, right?” Gabby asked nervously.

“Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.”

“That’s not an answer,” Z replied.

Nash’s face softened for the briefest of seconds. “Let’s put it this way, I will be pushing for you to be able to make whatever choice you want.”

“I’m not doing anything until I at least take the FBI entrance exam,” Andrew huffed.

“There’s one more thing,” Nash said. His expression darkened and Sabrina’s stomach clenched. “I thought you all deserved to know. We had believed the serum burned with the house, but it looks like we were wrong.”

“Looks like? What the hell does that mean?” Justin asked.

“We initially thought we found the compound in the wreckage. Now that we’ve tested everything, we could find no trace of it. Either it’s hidden somewhere else or Kevin Beswick managed to sell it before we caught up to him.”

Sabrina and the other Lost Causes met eyes. The serum was still out there.

“And now you want our help to find it,” Andrew supplied giddily.

Nash shook his head. “No. As much as I know firsthand how helpful you all would be, that’s not an option. There are too many risks for the FBI to authorize that type of program.” As if he sensed the dimming mood of the group, he continued, “That being said, due to you five, we actually have a shot at finding it. You led us to Beswick. I know we’ll find something in the clues he left behind.”

“So, what now?” Sabrina wondered.

“I’ll be sticking around Cedar Springs to follow whatever leads we can get on the serum. My boss is sending a few more bodies up to help with the investigation.”

“But what about us?” Andrew asked.

“You guys can get back to your normal lives now. Or as normal as they can be under the circumstances. Until we get this antidote problem remedied, I’ll be checking in with you weekly.”

It was the only bit of good news Sabrina held on to as Nash walked away. He wasn’t leaving her life forever. He would still check in with them. Even if he had absolutely no desire to be with her, she couldn’t handle the thought of not seeing him again.

“Who do you think Beswick was trying to sell it to?” Gabby asked the group once Nash had driven off.

“I’m sure once the FBI found out that Brandt was actually Beswick, they retraced every step he took for the past few months,” Z said. “They could probably pull tapes from the NSA. They’re already recording every conversation we’ve ever had anyway.”

As they all got into a debate with Z about how much access the NSA really had into their lives, Sabrina was dragged away from the conversation by a text.

Her pulse quickened when she saw who it was from.

Nash.

We need to talk.

*    *    *

Sabrina reached up to knock on the door, but it opened before she had a chance.

“Sabrina.” Nash’s voice was softer than it had been when he addressed them a few hours earlier, and she had to consciously remember she needed to breathe. He was still wearing the same dark jeans and charcoal sweater, adhering to his usual palette of black, blue and gray. She followed him into his apartment and stood awkwardly in the living room across from him.

The entire drive there, she’d contemplated what it was that Nash wanted to talk to her about, and she thought she had a good idea. He was going to personally apologize to her for the lack of an antidote. No one took his job more seriously than he did. He must have felt solely responsible for not knowing anything about it. Once he’d seen that Sabrina was the only disappointed one out of the five of them, he figured he owed her a better explanation.

“About earlier …” he began.

She decided to start talking to avoid whatever apology speech he probably had planned. He would be as uncomfortable giving one as she was hearing one. Sympathy wasn’t what she wanted from him anyway.

“I don’t blame you. It’s not your fault,” she said quickly.

“What’s not my fault?”

“Not knowing about the antidote. And for me having to deal with ghosts popping up in my face for the rest of my life —” He looked confused. “Isn’t that what you wanted to talk to me about?”

“No,” he answered, frowning. “But you’re right. I should’ve questioned Patricia more, seen something sooner. I am sorry.”

Sabrina should’ve kept her mouth shut. She’d been trying to avoid an apology exactly like that one and instead she’d forced it out of him. “So, what then? Why did you want to talk?”

He turned more serious. If that was possible. “You saved my life, Sabrina. I wanted to thank you.”

“Oh,” she said. She definitely hadn’t been expecting that. “Well, if I’d known you were going to disappear right after, I might not have done it.”

A hint of a smile managed to break through his seriousness. Her heartbeat always picked up when she got a glimpse of that other side of him. Maybe she was the only one who could draw it out.

“There’s one more thing I needed to tell you.” He paused for a moment before looking up at her. “Technically, you’re no longer an asset.”

Sabrina nodded. “Yeah, I know. You already told us the FBI won’t let us help you find the serum.”

“Right. Which means technically I’m no longer your boss.”

Was this his way of saying goodbye? “Okay. Got it.”

He didn’t take his eyes off hers. The look was so intense she almost wanted to look away. Almost.

He finally spoke. “Don’t you think we should celebrate that fact?”

For a split-second she was completely lost. And then it clicked. Nash was no longer her boss. There were no FBI rules holding him back anymore.

He must have seen the realization fall into place for her because that small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth again.

“You’re right,” Sabrina said, taking a step toward him, bringing their bodies close, but not quite touching. “I do think a celebration is in order …”

He raised a single eyebrow. “What did you have in mind?”

Everything she’d been feeling for weeks burst through her as she wrapped her arms around him, her lips hungrily meeting his. He gripped her waist tightly and his warm hands sent sparks charging through her body.

“Wait,” Nash said after a second, pulling away. Sabrina looked at him questioningly. Was he changing his mind so quickly?

“I’ve been thinking about this for way too long. I don’t want to rush.” His eyes never leaving hers, he cupped her face toward his and just looked at her. She basically stopped breathing, transported back to when he’d first appeared in front of her. That visceral feeling that he could see parts of her she didn’t even know existed. But now as she looked at him, his green eyes smoldering, she could see those parts of him, too.

He finally kissed her again, pulling her body toward his, and she realized he was right. They could take their time. They had all night.

*    *    *

Z rolled into the kitchen the next morning a bit earlier than usual, surprised to find her father was the only one present until she realized it was a Saturday. That meant her mother was still sleeping off the effects of the double sedative she’d no doubt taken the night before, and she vaguely remembered Scott discussing plans to go helicopter-skiing in Telluride with some of his friends.

Relishing the quiet, Z took her cup of espresso to the table where her father sat reading the paper.

“You’re up early,” her father commented, surprising Z. She hadn’t realized her movements through the house ever registered on his radar.

Z shrugged as she grabbed a muffin from the plate Louise, their housekeeper, had left out. She’d had a hard time sleeping since Nash had informed them all the previous night that the serum was still out there somewhere. It was killing her not to be part of the investigation. How were they supposed to go back to their “normal lives” when some psycho had the serum and could unleash it at any time?

Her father put down the Wall Street Journal, moving on to the local Cedar Springs paper, whose front page was still dominated by the Brandt story.

As was no surprise to Z, the FBI had intervened immediately to control and whitewash the news flow. There was no mention, of course, of the Lost Causes past or present, the serum or Brandt’s true identity as Kevin Beswick. Instead, the official story as reported by the police and FBI was that evidence had been found in Brandt’s house implicating him in the murder of Lily Carpenter. Patricia was being hailed as the FBI agent who’d tracked him down, sacrificing her life as she attempted to bring him into custody. After Brandt fatally shot her, it was explained, he set fire to his house in an apparent suicide.

Z had to hand it to the FBI — they’d managed to tie up all the loose ends in a neat-enough bow, though the frenzy for information still hadn’t slowed. Every time she saw a new article speculating on why the fire had started or how Patricia had tracked Brandt down, it was tantalizingly difficult to refrain from revealing all she knew. Even now, as her father skimmed the front page, she found herself wanting to skate around the issue.

“Have they figured out why that guy killed Lily Carpenter?” she asked innocently.

“Their best guess is a robbery gone bad. Sounds like this guy was unstable to begin with.”

Z had to literally bite her tongue as she reached for her blueberry muffin. But the ringing in her ears jerked her head up. It was the first time she had heard a thought from her father. It came through loud and clear the way all the others usually had.

But this one shook her to the core.

She froze, clutching the underside of the table as if it was a life raft. Her father’s expression remained impassive as he flipped through the pages, but Z knew what she’d just heard.

Feeling her gaze, her father looked up at her, taking in her wide-eyed stare.

“Zelda, are you okay?”

She could call him out right this second. The words tingled in her throat, eager to escape. But who knew how he would react?

Instead, she nodded demurely, dropping her eyes to the floor. “I, uh, forgot something. Upstairs.”

Her legs shaking, she took the back staircase up to her room, two steps at a time.

Only when she was firmly ensconced in her bedroom, the door assuredly locked behind her, did she take out her phone and call Nash.

“I know who bought the serum. I was just eating breakfast with him.”