Orion was practically sweating bullets when Vina, at his request, dropped by his apartment the following day.
“What will you have?” he called out from the kitchen, surprised that his voice sounded so even and controlled when he was nervous as hell on the inside.
“I’m okay,” she returned from her position in the living room.
He could tell that she was just as nervous about the conversation that they were about to have from the way she kept cracking her knuckles and worrying her bottom lip. Despite her assurance that she was okay, he poured her a glass of fresh juice and brought it to the living room.
Holding the glass of juice out to her, he said, “At least have this.”
She glanced up at him then took the offered beverage. “Thank you.”
Setting his own drink on the coffee table, Orion settled on the couch adjacent to hers. He asked, “Did your family get home okay yesterday?”
“Yes, they did.” She pulled in a long breath before turning to face him directly. “I’m sorry, Orion.”
Even though he knew what she was apologizing for, he still asked, “For what?”
“For yesterday. The things my grandmother said…” Vina winced. “I can’t even begin to imagine how you and your mother felt. I am so sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry,” he said quietly.
“Yes I do,” Vina insisted. “She’s my grandmother.”
“And she’s the one who was wrong. Not you,” Orion reminded her. “Besides that, your mother already apologized.”
Surprise flashed in Vina’s eyes. “My mother?”
He nodded. “She called my mother yesterday and apologized for everything that had happened.”
“My mother called your mother on her own?” Vina blinked several times as if she couldn’t quite believe it herself.
Orion nodded. “She did.”
Vina dragged in a breath before lifting her chin. “Still, no apology can make up for the hurt we caused.” Her worried gaze met Orion’s. “I won’t blame you if you want to end our relationship because of what happened yesterday.”
“That’s the last thing I want to do,” he answered quietly. “I don’t want to end what we have. If anything, I want it to grow.”
Staring at him like he’d suddenly grown two heads, Vina said, “I’m sorry. I don’t understand what you mean.”
For a moment he was silent, mulling over how to explain himself without sparking her fight-or flight response. Finally, he decided that he was just wasting time. It was time to tell her how he felt. If she ran, then that was on her. Breathing deep to quiet his pounding heart, he plunged in.
“When you proposed the idea of having a fake relationship, I was all for it. Only my business was on my mind, and I didn’t think that I was interested in a relationship.” He looked away from her as he confessed, “I don’t know when it happened but at some point while we were going on dates and getting to know each other my feelings changed. It became real for me.”
His gaze on her, he paused, waiting for her to say something or at least acknowledge his confession. However, all she did was stare at him in wide-eyed shock, like a deer caught in the headlights.
Her silence increased his anxiety. Wiping his suddenly sweaty palm on his pants, he continued, “I know that this wasn’t what you wanted when we started out but I can’t take back what I feel for you now.” His eyes fixed on her, he confessed, “I love you, Song Im-na. Very much, and I’m interested in being in a real relationship with you.”
Vina opened her mouth, she even took in a deep breath as if to say something, but no words emerged from her parted lips. Breathing shakily, she reached for her juice but her hands were trembling so badly that she barely got the glass off the table before some of its contents spilled onto her pants.
“Oh-oh.” Orion stood and grabbed the glass before she emptied all its contents on her lap. He set the glass on the coffee table before reaching for tissues. Settling next to her, he started to pat wet her thigh. “Let me-”
“I’m okay. I’m okay.” She shoved his hand away and grabbed the tissues from him. Her breath coming in fast gasps, she patted the wet spot on her thigh herself.
“This won’t do,” Orion said when he realized that the tissues would just leave a sticky mess on her pants. “Let me get you a wet cloth.”
When he started towards the kitchen, Vina took the opportunity to run. By the time he turned, she was already ducking into his bedroom. He followed her but when he got to his bedroom, she’d already locked the bathroom door behind her. He lifted his hand to knock but then paused. Maybe what she needed was time to digest his words.
Sighing, he leaned back against the wall next to the door. Had he made a mistake by coming right out and blindsiding her with his feelings? No. No, he hadn’t. Even though he wasn’t satisfied with her reaction he felt lighter, less burdened, now that he wasn’t hiding what he felt. He sighed again. He just hoped that Vina was woman enough to acknowledge that her feelings for him weren’t as platonic as she pretended, and brave enough to take what he was offering, something real.
Ten minutes later, she still wasn’t out? How long was she planning to hide in the bathroom anyway? Orion wondered as he stared at the door. He could hear her shuffling around restlessly in there as if she was pacing. He waited five more minutes before deciding that she’d been there long enough.
He knocked. “Vina, come out and talk to me.”
Only silence met him.
“Vina?” he called out.
It took several seconds but finally she answered, “I’m coming out.”
The lock snapped and a moment later the door swung inwards. When Vina emerged, the first thing he noticed was how pale she was and how she was looking down as if afraid to meet his gaze.
“Are you okay?” He took her hand and urged her out of the bathroom.
Instead of answering his question, she pulled her hand from his grip. “I can’t.”
He frowned. “You can’t what?”
“I just can’t.” Her tongue peeked out to lick her lips, and she let out a heavy breath. “I can’t give you more than what we have right now, Orion.”
His blood stuttered in its path and he could’ve sworn that his heart stopped. Though he’d considered that she might react like this, he’d hoped that wouldn’t. He tipped her chin so she was looking directly at him before he asked, “Why?”
Her gaze shifted away from him. “You know… you know why.”
“Because you’re afraid that I’ll end up being like your father?” He turned her face again until she was looking at him. “Because you’ll end up ruining me? Because of your family?”
She didn’t say anything but her answer was clear in her stiff posture and downcast gaze.
“But those are all just excuses, right?” His tone softened.“I know you know that I’m nothing like your father and that I’m not the type of man to be intimidated just because your family isn’t perfect.” He studied her. “We both know that the real reason you’re saying you can’t is because you’re scared.”
Vina sucked in a sharp breath and her eyes widened, but she didn’t say anything.
“It’s okay to be scared.” Orion cupped her cheek, stroking his thumb over her silky soft skin as his eyes met hers. “But it’s not okay to let it keep you from living.”
“Orion, I-” She swallowed. “I c-”
“Don’t say you can’t again,” he cut her off. “At least think about it first before you make a decision about where you want us to go from here.” He stepped back putting some distance between them. “I’ll wait for as long as you need.”
She stared at him for quite a long time before she stammered, “I-I have to go,” and started for the door.
“Vina?” he called out. When she turned, he quietly promised, “I won’t break your heart.”
I WON’T BREAK your heart. Orion’s words echoed in Vina’s mind as she sat in her room later that day. When she’d gone to his place, she’d expected a break up, even prepared herself in for it. She certainly hadn’t expected to be blindsided by a confession of love or to be forced to confront her own feelings for him.
She was happy with the way things were and she’d thought that they both were happy. Their relationship was so simple – they went on dates, slept together and sometimes talked. Basically, friends with benefits. Why did he have to ruin it? Why did he have to drag messy feelings into their relationship? She would’ve been perfectly happy to continue with their non-relationship for as long as they both wanted it – maybe even forever. But now he’d flipped the table on her, turned the whole thing upside down and left her reeling in a cornucopia of emotions.
Anxiety, confusion, anger, longing - they all danced on her nerves, pulling her in different directions. The cautious side of her was ready to start running. Even though rationally she knew that Orion was nothing like her father, that he was a good man, fear still held her firmly in its grip. What if he changed once she gave her heart to him? What if she eventually ended up like her mother – used and abused? Was any man worth that risk? Was Orion worth that risk?
The more emotional side of her, however, wanted to throw caution to the wind. There was no point in lying to herself that she had feelings for him. While she wasn’t looking, they’d crept up on her, like dawn slowly pushing out the night. Like sunlight filling up a room, Orion now occupied more space in her heart than she’d planned to give him. Was she supposed to kick him out now? Or let him stay? Could she even kick him out without breaking her own heart? Or would he break her heart first if she let him stay?
“Urgh!” She buried her face in her lifted knees. Why had he made everything so complicated?
A knock on her door interrupted her morose musing. The door opened and Na-ri walked into the room carrying fresh laundry.
“You didn’t have to bring them up yourself.” Vina vaulted off the bed to take the clothes from her mother’s arms and set them on her bed. “I could have come down for them.”
“It’s okay,” Na-ri reassured her. “I was coming up anyway.”
“You don’t have to fold them.” Vina protested when her mother sat down and started to fold the clothes. “I can do it.”
“I’m done with work downstairs anyway and I need to do something with my hands.” Na-ri pushed away her daughter’s hands. “Just let me be.”
Vina wanted to protest further but her mother’s serene yet determined expression said that it would be a waste of time. With a sigh, she sat down on the bed to help with the folding. For a while the two ladies folded the clothes in silence. Vina finally broke it. “Thank you.”
Her mother glanced up. “For what?”
“Orion told me that you called his mother and apologized.”
“He did?” Her mother paused then asked, “So you two talked?”
“We did.” Vina nodded as she stood to hang one of her shirts in her closet.
Her mother’s gaze followed her. “He’s not angry at you, right?”
“No, he’s not.” He was anything but angry. Memories of how their conversation had gone niggled at her, reminding of the hard decision she now had to make. She came back and settled on the bed. Quiet reigned for another long moment before Vina called, “Eomma?”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t want to get married.” Vina pulled in a deep breath and, without looking up at her mother, confessed, “I lied about my real relationship with Orion. Our relationship is fake. I faked it so that grandma and dad would stop making me go on dates.”
There it was; the truth in all its rusty, dirty glory. Vina expected her mother to be shocked. She expected to even get hit. She certainly didn’t expect Na-ri to sigh. “I know.”
“Eh?” Vina’s gaze flew upwards to meet her mother’s.
“I know,” Na-ri reiterated, her gaze holding her daughter’s firmly. “I know you. When all those odd reports about how you were a smoker or ghost-whisperer started coming in from your blind-dates, I knew something was going on. Your grandmother might’ve believed you when you said that those men were just making up excuses for why they didn’t like you, but I didn’t.”
Vina gaped. “You didn’t?”
“Of course, I didn’t.” A spark of humor glinted in Na-ri’s eyes. “You’re my daughter. Other people may think you’re an obedient little angel but I know the devil inside you. When you turned up with Orion, I figured that it was another one of your schemes.”
Vina’s hand flew to cover her mouth as shock shot through her. So her mother knew all this time that she was sabotaging her dates? That her relationship with Orion was staged? She gasped. “But you never said anything.”
“How could I?” The humor in Na-ri’s eyes died and it was replaced by sadness. “When I knew it was my fault?”
“Your fault? No way,” Vina immediately protested. “This was all me.”
Na-ri stared down at her hands. “If I wasn’t such a weak mother who can’t even protect you, you would never have had to go this far.”
“I’m thirty-one.” Vina scooted closer to her to grab her mother’s hand. “If I wanted to say no to those dates, I could’ve said no.”
“But you didn’t say no.” When Na-ri looked up, her eyes were wet and dull “Because of me.”
Vina wanted to protest that assertion but she couldn’t. She’d already lied enough. She lowered her eyes to stare at their joined hands.
“I know that when you look at me you think that marriage is the worst thing that could possibly happen to anyone,” Na-ri said, perfectly surmising her daughter’s feelings. “But it really isn’t. If you pick the right person, yours might end up being different.”
“Or it might not,” Vina countered softly.
“Or it might not,” he mother agreed. “But think about this; in the future what do you think you’ll regret more? That you let Lee Ri-on go without even trying, or that you tried and it didn’t work out?”
Vina didn’t answer – but deep inside she knew the right answer.
“I know that you’re scared, and that’s my fault.” Na-ri patted her daughter’s hand soothingly. “But I want you to be brave – just this one time. For me. Don’t let Lee Ri-on go just because my life isn’t perfect.”
Na-ri’s words sunk in slowly but surely. They pricked a hole in Vina’s fear. It was a small hole but it was just big enough for the first rays of light to beam in. And Vina began to wonder; should she really try for something real with Orion? What was the worst that could happen? He could break her heart. But the more she thought about it, the less pain that thought brought her. What was the point of trying to predict the future when she was supposed to be living in the present? Slowly, Vina drew closer to the edge of a decision.
“I’m not saying that I’m going to marry him,” she finally said, “but you know what it would mean if I did, right?” She met her mother’s eyes. “I’d have to leave this house. I’d have to leave you alone with Abeoji and Halmeoni.”
“Im-na-ya.” Her mother smiled. “It’s not your job to protect me.”
Vina started, “But-”
“I’m not your child. You’re mine,” Na-ri cut her off. “And I’ve been living with your grandmother and father since before you were born. I survived without you then, I’ll survive without you now. Stop worrying about me and just be happy. That’s the only thing I want from you. Be happy.”
Vina spent the whole night thinking over her mother’s words. Be happy. That’s all life was about anyway, wasn’t it? When she was with Orion it often felt like she could really be happy. So why was she agonizing over her decision so much? In the morning, she left home earlier than she usually would. Her heart thudding like a rogue drum and her chest tight with nervousness, she headed to Orion’s apartment.
ORION WAS GETTING ready for work when his doorbell rang. Frowning, he paused mid-tying his tie. Who could be stopping by his house this early in the morning? The answer came to him swiftly. His mother. She was the only one who was daring enough to pop in at such an ungodly hour. Still tying his tie, he headed to the front door. Before he opened the door, he checked the intercom. His heart almost stopped when he saw who was standing outside his door. That definitely wasn’t his mother.
Vina!
What was she doing here? Had she already come to a decision? Something else? Excitement and fear pulsed through him in equal measure as he unlocked the door. He turned the doorknob and pulled the door inwards. Then she was there, standing at his doorstep, looking at him. Their eyes met. Held.
And then she smiled.
That smile was all the answer he needed about why she was here. She was here to tell him that she was now his. His lips lifting in an answering smile, he grabbed her arm and tugged her into the house. As soon as the door closed behind her, they were in each other’s arms.
Orion slanted his lips harder over hers, gorging on her taste and filling his senses with her. He kissed her roughly and hungrily, amazed that she was actually here and in his arms. His lips moved over hers to the rhythm of his happiness. He hadn’t expected her to come to him this fast and could only imagine how much bravery it had taken for her to knock at his door. It amazed him, made him feel even more grateful and love her even more than he already did.
As if her being here wasn’t enough to get his heart racing, she separated their lips and whispered, “I love you too.”
Time stood still. Orion’s mouth went dry. “You – you what?”
A ghost of a smile touched her lips. “I love you too.”
Dumbstruck, he stared down at her. He knew that she had feelings for him too, but he didn’t think that she was quite as far gone as he was, and he certainly didn’t expect her to admit it so soon. He squeezed his eyes shut in relief and gratitude; the emotion that rolled through him was so powerful, so deep he felt weak.
“You really love me?” he asked, his tone awed.
“Yes, Lee Ri-on.” She smiled softly. “I really love you-”
He lowered his head and captured her lips before she could finish the sentence.