Megan

Zander set a grueling pace to Torc Falls. Megan was lagging behind for most of the hike, her anger simmering. She found herself slowing down on purpose to see just how far he’d let her get before he stopped. Apparently far.

A few times Megan found herself jogging to catch up when she lost sight of Zander. Even though he’d wounded her pride this morning, her fear of getting lost in the forest again was too raw to let her pride win out.

Again Megan wondered why Zander had even bothered to rescue her last night. Maybe he only enjoyed playing the hero when there was promise of reward? After their fight this morning she was more sure than ever that he wasn’t going to let her back in. She should’ve just accepted defeat. She knew there were more fish in the sea. But like Ahab, Megan had a stubborn streak a mile long and she couldn’t get her proverbial white whale out of her head.

When they finally stopped for a modest lunch of stale PB&J’s and apples, Megan’s frustration had reached an all time high. She hated letting people get away with mistreating her and she could feel her anger building. Even if it wouldn’t change anything, Megan had a growing desire to give Zander a piece of her mind.

Normally she would’ve tried to let it go, but her ‘suck it up buttercup’ attitude was diminished after a grueling hike in soggy boots. Her feet were killing her and her damn pack was rubbing her shoulders raw. She schlepped it against a tree and plunked down as close as she could to Zander just to piss him off.

He gave her a wary look and scooted over to give himself some breathing room.

“Ya know what I think is funny?” Megan asked irritably tearing into her last pack of Nerds. “Sam and Devon were right about you.”

“I’m sorry?” Zander asked glancing at her sideways.

“They tried to warn me that you weren’t the guy I thought you were. That it was all an act, but stupid me, I didn’t believe them.”

Zander didn’t respond so Megan continued.

“You should really come with a disclaimer if this is the way you treat people. At least give fair warning, ya know?” She added, “Proceed at your own risk,” in her official reporter voice.

Zander glared at her. “People don’t come with warning labels, Megan.”

“Well they should.”

He snorted. “Oh yeah? And what would mine say?”

She didn’t miss a beat. “Contents under pressure. Handle with care.”

Zander

Zander was stunned silent by the accuracy of Megan’s statement. He wrapped the rest of his sandwich up and stuffed it into his bag. He didn’t have an appetite anyway. He climbed to his feet, grabbed his pack and picked up the trail again, leaving Megan clamoring to catch up.

“Do you know what mine would say?” she yelled when she reached him. “My label?”

Zander ignored her, charging on.

“It’d say fool! Idiot. Moron. Most likely to be used and still come back for more.”

Zander whirled on her. “Megan, what do ye want from me?”

“I want the truth!”

“I told ye the truth. We don’t work.”

“No, all you told me was that you’re crazy about me, but just not crazy enough to want more than a few one night stands.”

“That’s not it.”

“Then what is it? You say it’s not Tabitha. You say it’s not my asthma, but it has to be something. Just tell me. Lay it all out so I understand what the hell I did wrong, Zander, because I can’t figure it out.” The anger in her voice was strangled by a sob. “Stop being a God damned infuriating mystery with no end. Just tell me the whole story once and for all so I can hang up this fucked up chapter of my life and move on.”

Zander’s heart beat against his ribs with painful ferocity, begging him to go to her. But he couldn’t, he was frozen to the spot. Nothing he said or did could make things right. The answer to her question was simple. He would ruin her like he ruined all things, but he couldn’t say it. She wouldn’t believe him and he’d only hurt her worse. Hell, he’d already started to wreck her.

Megan stood before him, a sobbing shadow of the girl she’d once been, the girl he’d fallen in love with.

“Zander, please. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to make this mistake again. I can’t keep handing my heart over to someone who’s going to stomp all over it. I don’t want to hurt like this anymore.”

“And ye think I do?” he shouted, finally reaching his breaking point. “Do ye think I want to be the one left behind over and over again? But that’s just the way it is, Megan. I’m doing ye a favor. I’m saving ye time. You’d leave me in the end, just like everyone else.”

“Everyone else? Who? Stop being so God damned cryptic and tell me what the hell you’re talking about!”

“I’m talking about Sophie and Devon and Sam. I’m talking about my sister, my parents! How can I expect ye to stay if my own family couldn’t?”

“Zander . . .”

“No, Megan. It’s the truth. Ye wanted to know what the hell’s wrong with me, this is it. I’m broken. Ye said it yourself. I’m broken and no one can stomach sticking with me.”

A bewildered smile crossed her lips. “That’s it? People always leave? That’s your major problem?”

“Is that not enough?” he bellowed.

“No Zander, it’s not. Devon and Sam haven’t left you. They’re in college. And your sister hasn’t left. She moved to Cork, that’s what . . . a few hours away? They haven’t left you. And besides, they’re not yours. They don’t owe you anything. They have to live their own lives.”

“They were my friends. My family.”

“They still are. They’re just following their hearts and pursuing happiness. That’s what life is about. That’s what you’re supposed to do.”

Zander dragged his fingers through his hair. “Ye don’t understand . . . it’s not that simple.”

Megan

Megan could see the anguish in Zander’s eyes. She knew she was pushing him dangerously close to the edge of something ugly. She placed her hand on his arm hoping to soothe him.

“Zander, I can’t speak for anyone else in your life and how they may have wronged you, but I can speak for myself. I’m not the one leaving, you’re pushing me away.”

“For yer own good,” he muttered.

She shook her head. “You say people always leave, but maybe it’s because you push them away.”

He shook his head not wanting to hear her.

“You have to give someone a chance.”

“All I do is give people chances. But the outcome is always the same. My own parents left me, Megan. How can I expect anyone else to stay when the people who are supposed to love me couldn’t.”

“Zander . . . I’m not your parents. You can’t let their mistakes shape your life.”

“It’s not just that! It’s everything. It’s my job, this life! I can’t do it like this . . . everyone left and I can’t do it alone.”

“Zander, part of growing up is learning when to ask for help. You don’t have to do everything alone.”

“Yes I do! That’s what I’m trying to tell ye. I have no one left to lean on!”

“What about me? I’m here. I’m standing right in front of you and you’re still pushing me away.”

Zander

A vast emptiness opened inside of Zander. She was right. She was still here, begging to be let in and he still couldn’t do it. He felt the fight slipping out of him and he set his heavy pack down, rubbing the sudden weariness from his face.

“It’s my flaw, Megan. It’s why I’m destined to be alone. I can’t let anyone in. That’s why we were good when ye were in Boston. Ye couldn’t get too close and I couldn’t drive ye away.”

“That’s not good enough, Zander.” Megan threw her gear down and shoved him. “It’s not good enough.”

“I know! That’s what I’m trying to tell ye,” he erupted. “I’m not good enough. Ye can’t fix me.”

“You don’t have a problem that needs to be fixed. You’re just lonely and in over your head, but it’s your own fault. You can’t fix everything yourself. You have to let people in.”

“If I have a problem I need to be able to fix it myself. I’ve learned I can’t count on anyone but myself.”

“Well that’s a pretty sad outlook on life.”

“It’s a realistic one.”

“No, it’s not.”

He raged inside. “And what would ye know about it? Yer life is perfect!”

Megan reeled back like he’d slapped her. “My life has been far from perfect. Did you know my dad left us when I was six? There was a time when my mom worked three jobs to keep a roof over our heads and we didn’t know where our next meal was coming from. I learned pretty quickly that if we were going to survive we were going to have to work together and take all the help we could get. And you know what? We survived—together. And it taught me to be grateful and appreciate life. It taught me to forge connections and give second chances. And most of all it taught me not to let others dictate my life.”

Zander blinked back his shock. “I’m sorry. I-I didn’t know.”

“Of course you didn’t. I don’t sit around whining about my problems. Life’s too short. I spend my time living, not bitching.”

“So . . . Stan . . . he’s not yer father?”

“He’s my step-dad. But that’s not the point. It’s that we didn’t give up. Life goes on and if you let it, it gets better. I don’t know why my real dad left us or why Stan found us. Maybe it was fate or maybe it was simple chance. But I wouldn’t be here if I’d try to do it all on my own.”

“Maybe yer right, Megan. Maybe I wish I could be more like ye, but I’m not. And I can’t change overnight.”

“And neither can I.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means you were right before. I’m always going to want more than you’re willing to give. I want equal partnership. I want someone to be as good for me as I am for them. I want someone to trust . . . all the way . . . not just maybe.”

Zander felt the bottom dropping out of his world. He wanted desperately to give her all of those things, but deep down he knew he would fail. “Maybe’s not enough, Megan. I know that. But’s it’s all I can offer.”

Tears welled in Megan’s tranquil blue eyes. “Then maybe it’s time this is over.”