Nicola
The one thing about sleeping with your best friend’s brother-in-law is that you’re not exactly sure how to approach the subject, or if you should say anything. But because it’s me and it’s Bram, it’s almost impossible not to spill the beans. I’m bursting at the seams to tell someone.
When we got back from Ikea, Bram cooked me an amazing chicken and roasted vegetable dinner that both Ava and I loved and then the three of us spent the evening watching A Bug’s Life. When it was time for Ava to go to bed, well then Bram and I had a fuckfest fest all night. Even though I’d gotten off at Ikea – and finally lived out my secret dream of sex in public – I’d become more turned on for him, all of him, than ever before.
But now it’s the next day and Bram is in meetings and Lisa is coming to look after Ava while I work. If I don’t tell someone, even Steph, what’s been happening for the last forty-eight hours, I’m going to lose my mind.
I don’t know, Steph’s text back to me reads after I’ve begged her to meet. I’m kind of zonked and I had plans with my pajamas and Netflix tonight.
I need to talk to you, I text back. You need to hear about who had sex at IKEA.
There’s a pause.
Then. WTF? Who had sex at IKEA? The store??
Come to the bar tonight and I’ll tell you. And yes the store.
OMG. Was it you? OMG. WAS IT BRAM?
See you tonight.
Fine. Gah, you bitch!!!!!!!! Tell meeeeeeeeeee.
Later.
FUCK.
And that’s how I convinced Steph to come hang out with me while I did my shift at the Lion. Fortunately it was a slow night but not slow enough to be sent home, so Steph sat at the bar and I eased my way into telling her the big news.
“Just spill the beans already,” she says, pounding back beer number two. So much for wanting to stay at home and watch Netflix.
“All right,” I say and I can feel myself blushing.
“Wait,” Steph says, holding up her palm. “I already know. I already know. Look at your face. You’re a giant tomato! It will always give you away.”
I sigh and lean in, dropping my voice. Even though there aren’t any people close to us, I don’t want it to fall into the wrong ears. I’m not exactly a kiss and tell kind of girl, even though that’s just what I’m about to do. “I slept with Bram.”
“What?” she shrieks, and James looks over from the other end of the bar.
“Steph, shut it!” I warn her, leaning across the bar to smack her arm. “I thought you figured it via my tomato face.”
“Yeah but to hear you say it!” she exclaims. She wriggles in her seat. “Okay, okay, details. All the details. Tell me everything. Does he have a big dick? Is he like Linden?”
“Calm down,” I tell her, knowing she was going to bring Linden into it somehow. “Okay, I guess it all started with IKEA.”
“IKEA!” Steph says with a smile, putting her fist down on the bar as if IKEA was the name of a good friend of ours.
“Yeah, well, he took me there, you know I told you, to get a new couch.”
“Yeah…and you had sex on the couch!”
“No. Just wait. Okay, so it was all fine. He was flirting with me, you know how he is, so damn direct about it.”
“Just like Linden,” she says dreamily, her chin propped up on her hand.
“Not like Linden,” I tell her. “Anyway, so later, back at home, he comes over to help me assemble the couch. I can’t remember if I asked him or not. Oh yeah, I needed a drill! Anyway, Ava is having a nap in my room and we’re talking…and…you know, he’s not at all what I thought.” I don’t want to divulge any of the private stuff he shared with me about the charity, but I say, “And I think he’s not at all what you think. Or even Linden. He’s a lot deeper than that.”
She snorts. “Bram? Deep? Come on, the only way he’s deep is when he’s trying to calculate all the women he’s been with.”
I have to admit, I’m getting a bit defensive. “Not true at all. I mean, yeah, there’s women. Or there was.”
“Was?”
“But I’m getting ahead of myself—”
“You are getting way ahead of yourself.”
“Anyway we were talking and…God, I don’t know. I just…I know it’s stupid of me but man, you know, all this time with the flirting and innuendos and I just wanted to see what it was like to be with him. You know? It started to become all I thought about, just looking at him, listening to that damn accent—”
She sighs loudly. “Yeah, that accent.”
“He was making me feel things I hadn’t felt in a really long time.”
She gives me a steady look, her lip pouting slightly. “How come you never told me about this? I thought you hated Bram.”
“I did! But, he kind of won me over. And I guess I figured it was just stupid to have a thing for someone like him.”
“Oh, honey, come on. Who doesn’t have a thing for Bram? He’s Bramtastic.”
“Oh my God,” I exclaim. “You’re just as bad as he is!”
She shrugs.
“Look,” I point out, “you were just threatening him to not even look at me, you were threatening me and Kayla about breaking up the balance of the group. There were a lot of threats. I didn’t want you mad at me or, God forbid, lecture me.”
“I know I said those things,” she says, “but that’s only because I care and I just wanted to warn you. But honestly, you’re like all-aglow and stuff. I haven’t seen you like this in a very long time. I know you’re being careful with him…aren’t you?”
I nod. “Well, I’m not falling in love with him, if that’s what you mean.”
“Good,” she says. “Not that I don’t want you to fall in love, I would just be extra wary with a man who seems pretty good at breaking hearts.” She pauses, watching my face fall. “But that aside…you slept with Bram. My brother-in-law.”
“Yup.”
“So, you were assembling the couch and he just, what, took you right there?”
I laugh. “That’s not so far off. We were underneath the fabric of the couch. You know how IKEA is, you have to put together everything. We were zipping this foam thing to the lining and…I don’t know. Some kind of look passed between us and the next thing I knew, he was kissing me, his hands were everywhere. I was pushed back onto the ground and my shirt was up and he was…it was pretty fucking hot.”
“And, and…?”
I shrug. “And Ava interrupted us.”
“Cockblocker!”
“Steph,” I warn. “That’s my daughter you’re talking about. And yes, she’s a cockblocker.”
“But tell me you at least got to feel what he was packing.”
“I told you I slept with him. Obviously dick was involved.”
“Hashtag dick.”
“And well, when we were fooling around under there, he did, you know, put a few fingers in me.”
“This is so awesome. Give me another beer.”
I pull out an Anchor Steam, pop off the top and slide it on over. I fill her in on the rest, including me texting him and wondering if he was awake.
“So you took control,” she muses. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you do that. You know, with a man.”
She was right about that. “Well, I initiated it. Once he arrived, he was in control the whole time. And it was nice. He’s a bit rough, you know, a dirty talker too. At least with what I’ve experienced. I don’t think he’s quite as vulgar as Linden.”
“Give it time.”
“Anyway.”
“And you got off right?”
“Fuck yeah. And every time after that.”
“And when does IKEA come into this again?”
I can’t help but smile slyly, looking away. The memory of that moment is seared into my head to the point it’s impossible to shake loose. “We went back to return the couches. When Ava was in daycare, he hauled me into one of the showroom bathrooms…”
“No…” she says, eyes wide.
I nod. “Yeah. He put me up on the sink counter and went down on me.”
“In the store!”
“Yup.”
“And there were people around?”
“There were. I didn’t see any of them until after. Then we got caught.”
“You got caught?” she squeals. Loud. Loud enough that James finally starts walking toward us.
“Steph, you’re so loud!” I hiss at her.
“What’s going on ladies?” James asks, always the nosy one.
“Nothing,” I say quickly.
“Nothing,” Steph adds. “Except that Nicola here is a secret exhibitionist.”
“Steph!”
James looks me up and down. “Are you sure about that?”
“She might start dancing on top of the bar,” Steph adds.
“You can do whatever you want,” he says, “as long as it brings in the customers.” He stares at the both of us for a moment, trying to suss out what’s going on but when we give him nothing, he leaves.
“And with that,” I say to her, “please don’t tell anyone about what happened.”
“I’ll keep my lips shut,” she says. “But obviously I’m telling Linden.”
“No!” I swat at her arm. “You can’t tell him of all people! I don’t want Bram to think I’m flapping my mouth off.”
“Oh, and you don’t think he’s doing the same thing right now? Scoring with the impenetrable ice queen?”
“Ice queen?” That almost smarts as much as “no fun.”
“You know, that’s what they call any girl who won’t give up their cooch on the first date. You’re like their white whale.”
“Great, a whale.”
“Moby Dick, stupid. Anyway, Linden will know by the time I get home, I guarantee it. And it won’t be on account of me.” She gives me a look. “And you know, it’s fun to share. It’s good for you. I mean, you don’t see me holding back what Linden does in bed.”
“I know,” I grumble. “And I don’t need another recap about what you guys did with the sparkly butt plugs you bought in the Castro, either.”
She shrugs. “I bet Bram is just as much into that kinky shit. And when he shoves his cock in your pussy and a plug up your ass, I guarantee you’re going to call me up and shoot the shit.”
“I really hope you’re not being literal,” I comment dryly.
Steph doesn’t stick around for long after that. She gets this look on her face when she’s tipsy and needing to get laid. I wish I didn’t know what that look was but I’ve seen it too often when she’s thinking about Linden.
I’m about ten minutes from finishing my shift when I get a text from Bram.
Are you still at work?
I can’t help but get a giddy little thrill just from a simple text. I feel like I’m in high school again.
Yup, just about to finish though.
I’ll come get you. I can’t wait any longer. Been thinking about you all day.
Now I’m grinning ear to ear. I’d forgotten what fun it was to flirt via text.
All right, if you want to.
See you soon.
It’s not long until I’m stepping out into the mist, bringing my jacket around me closely, while Bram pulls up in his Mercedes.
“Get in, beautiful,” he tells me after putting down his window. He looks so dapper in his suit, I almost have to pinch myself that he’s here to get me.
I slide on into the Mercedes. “Brrrr it’s cold out,” I say, rubbing on my arms.
He leans over and flicks on the heat. “You know, you’d think growing up in Scotland, the drizzliest, dampest, wet crotch of all places would have prepared me for San Francisco but I don’t know how you people do it. Your seasons make no sense.”
“Tell me about,” I say, still feeling the chill. Wearing a skirt doesn’t help but he puts his broad, warm hand on my thigh and presses down.
“You’re cold as ice,” he notes. “You should have had a few shots of Scotch while you were waiting for me.”
I tell him I wasn’t waiting long. Then the car pulls off of Van Ness Avenue and starts heading toward Golden Gate Park. “Where are we going?”
He doesn’t say anything. I look over at him and he’s grinning in the dark and his hand is sliding further up my thighs.
I squirm as the hairs on his arm tickle my sensitive skin. At the same time I can’t help but part my legs, wanting to give him easier access.
“Where are we going?” I ask again, my breath hitching as his fingers push aside my panties and slink their way between my folds. I know I’m wet already. My body gives this man the most immediate reaction. Even the way he says “fuck” gets me going.
“I’m going to take you for a little ride,” he says. There’s a husky undertone to his voice that drives the message home.
This is all still so new to me. I try not to dwell on my insecurities – does my breath stink after that shift, am I wearing a matching bra and underwear, am I going to be any good? The car revs, the vibrations going right through me and I lean back in my seat and close my eyes.
I’m actually close to coming – his fingers have skill and my body has no patience, not with him – but he brings the car to the side of the road going through the park. In any other circumstances I’d think he brought me here to murder me. Or I would have been afraid of the riff raff and secret society that breeds in the park after dark. But I know Bram won’t hurt me and I know I’m safe pretty much anywhere with him. He knows how to take care of himself pretty well.
“This is a bit creepy,” I still say to him. “Great place to hide a body.”
“Great place to shag a body,” he says, turning the car and the lights off until we’re enveloped in near darkness, and twisting in his seat. I hear his seatbelt come undone. “I’m not taking any chances after what happened in IKEA. Now, I’m getting in the backseat and you’re going to get in right after.”
I don’t make any attempt to argue. He gets out of his seat and walks to the back. He opens the door and sits down, undoing his belt and zipper. In the dim light from a nearby streetlamp I can see the length of his hard cock as he takes it out.
Jesus. He’s just fucking ready for this at any time.
“Are you going to get back here and suck me off or what?”
Wow. Okay. First the cock makes an appearance, then his filthy mouth.
“I’ll be right there,” I tell him, trying to keep my voice from shaking. Even though it’s fun, it’s still nerve-wracking. I feel so silly playing the role of the sexy minx and it’s apparent that’s exactly what he wants from me.
I open the passenger door, get out into the cold air and then open the back one. I’m about to step inside when he says, “Strip.”
“What?” I say peering into the car at him. His eyes gleam with desire and control.
“I said, strip. Take it all off, now. Then get in the car and put my cock in your mouth.”
I blink. I can’t tell if he’s role-playing or not, but he sounds dark and commanding and not at all the happy, grinning Bram that had picked me up. To be honest, it makes my nerves stand on edge.
“Bram,” I tell him.
“Do as I say.”
I sigh and then start to take off my jacket.
“Slowly,” he says.
“It’s freezing out.”
“Do it slowly,” he grinds out. “And I promise to take it slowly with you.”
Well, at least I can’t turn my nose up at the reward.
So I slowly remove my leather jacket, tossing it onto the floor of the backseat. Then my tank top until I’m just in my bra.
“Gorgeous tits.” He nearly growls. “Jeans next.”
I take off my boots and socks, then slide down my jeans until I’m just in my bra and panties, standing by the side of the road. No one has driven by yet but that doesn’t mean they won’t. The air is nipping at my skin, making it buzz and the grass underneath my feet is cool and wet. I feel like I’m slowly becoming alive again.
Then I look down. My bra and underwear do not match whatsoever. You would think I would have remembered the cardinal rule I used to follow when I was younger – when sleeping with a guy, always make sure your bra and underwear match. That and always carry mints or gum on you, don’t wear too sticky lip gloss and make sure you exfoliate every inch of you, even when you don’t think you’ll get lucky because those are usually the days that you do.
“You’re a damn goddess, you know that?” he says. His voice is so rich and deep, it could command me to go streaking down the road right now and I’d probably do that. “Remove your bra.”
I reach behind me and do as he says, my breasts coming free and feeling absolutely heavy with lust and need. A breeze picks up and washes across them, making my nipples even tighter. It’s like nature itself is lending a hand in turning me on.
“Now, your knickers,” he says.
I slide them down my legs but my hips sashay back and forth in a sexy little dance, like I’m actually enjoying this. I’m starting to think my body has a mind of its own and it wants Bram’s dick all the time.
“That’s right,” he whispers. “That’s my girl. Now, come in the car. Slowly.”
It’s good timing too because I can see a pair of headlights coming down the road. I duck, covering my breasts until the car passes and when it’s gone I exchange a sheepish look with Bram.
“They’re gone. Get your fine arse in here.”
I slide on in, the seats warm against my ass cheeks, and I close the door. The backseat of his car is small and he’s taking up most of the room. Actually, his cock is. I can see the glisten of precum at the tip and for some reason it makes my mouth water.
He rubs his thumb over his swollen head until it’s shiny and then he leans back, holding his cock tight around the base.
“Just lick,” he says. “Just your tongue. From bottom to top. Slowly. Pretend you’re molasses.”
I get as comfortable as I can being naked in that backseat, utterly conscious of my scars and cellulite and any rolls even though we’re mainly in shadow, and I lower my head over him. I bring my tongue up from the bottom, only touching where his hand is and then drag it up his hard length. I feel every pulse, every vein, every ridge. He’s hot to touch and he tastes clean, like soap. When I reach the top, that hit of salt from the precum sinks into my mouth and I find I’m loving it. I don’t even realize it’s caused such a response from me until I catch myself in mid moan.
“You like that, do you, sweetheart? You like the taste of my cum?”
I nod and lick him again, this way going back down.
Now he’s groaning and pushing his cock up against my tongue. “You know what they say, the worse something is for you, the better it tastes.”
I give him a sly look, pausing just to say, “And I know you’re bad for me.”
“Very bad, and yet, oh so good.”
I lick him fully and completely, all the way around.
“Now put your lips over the head and just suck on the tip. Slowly.” I do as he says but his hand goes to my hair and he grips it hard, tilting my head slightly. “Don’t be afraid to look at me while you do.”
Shit. Eye contact has never really been my thing, especially during sex, but if it turns him on then I want to see it on his face. I stare at him with lustful eyes and he watches me right back. His gaze is intense, primal, consuming.
Finally he breaks it, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the seat. “Fuck, you’re so fucking good.”
I pause, wiping my lips with the back of my hand. “Do you want me to keep going?”
He shakes his head, breathing heavily. “No,” he says huskily. “I want you to flip around so you’re on all fours. Your arse facing me.”
Well, okay then. I hesitate but he raises his chin and looks at me, those eyes gleaming with so much desire that I find myself getting wet all over again. Just a look, just a suggestion and I’m all his.
“So fucking perfect,” he says. His voice is beyond guttural I can almost feel his vibrations. I’m a ball of nerves and temptation as I feel him shift from behind me and place his hands on either cheek. “So bloody ripe.”
“Ouch!” I cry out. Did he just bite my ass?
“Sorry,” he says, though he doesn’t sound sorry at all. “It’s taking a lot to not eat you whole. But I can’t hold off for much longer.”
He begins to massage and grip my skin then I feel the long, warm wet snake of his tongue as it slides up and down each cheek. I shiver from the sensation, wanting desperately for him to go lower.
Instead, he spreads my cheeks apart and I flinch, not prepared for that.
“Relax,” he murmurs. “You’ve got a good thing going on here.”
To him, maybe. But I can’t relax, not when I feel a wet finger slide down my crack, probing in a place that should never be probed.
“Relax, Nicola,” he says again. “Trust me.”
I swallow, not sure if I’m brave enough for ass play, even though he talks about it all the damn time. But then his fingers go lower and slip between my folds, stroking them.
“So fucking wet,” he says, briefly teasing my clit before plunging his fingers inside me. “So fucking ready.”
I hear him shift and the sound of a condom packet being torn open. Then the swollen head of his cock slides up and down my ass. He pushes briefly in the wrong spot but before I can tell him off, he moves further down and I hear an amused grunt from him. Testing me.
His hands go back to gripping my hips and he moves me over an inch and back into him. He eases the tip of his dick inside me and then pushes a hand between my shoulder blades so my ass is raised, the angle better.
Bram lets out an animalistic moan as he sinks in and I can’t help but respond in the same way. From this angle he makes me feel so damn full, I can feel myself stretching beautifully around his thickness, soaking up every second that he’s inside me.
He slowly begins to slide out and then pushes back in, holding me in place until I start to slip. Then my hands are up against the door of the car, my face pressed against the fogged-up window as he slams into me again and again.
One hand of his goes for my clit, rubbing wild and messy, making me crazy and the other one goes back to my ass cheeks.
He briefly rubs between the crack, then positions his thumb at my ass and slowly pushes in.
I nearly freeze from the intrusion but I automatically clench around him. This is definitely dirty, this is definitely taboo, but my body is so turned on that it only makes matters worse. The more he pushes his thumb inside me, all while his hard cock is spreading me below, the more wild I feel, the more free.
I could finally let loose, be anything, anyone. And I wanted to be animal. He was making me one.
I groan loudly. I want to growl. I want to demand he fuck me even harder.
“You like that don’t you?” he growls. “It’s making you wetter and you’re already so fucking tight.” He pushes his thumb all the way in and I gasp. It’s both so wrong and so right at the same time and fucking hot as hell.
“You’re creaming around my cock, babe,” he murmurs, making a thick, primitive sound from somewhere deep inside. “You’re ready to come.”
And just like that, his finger presses down in one slick motion and I can feel how wet I am and how every inch of me feels so damn full and I am coming. I’m coming loud.
The orgasm rips through me and I know I’m trying to hold onto the car door or maybe I’m just trying to hold on in general because I feel like I’m being flung somewhere very far away where there are stars and music and my skin is blistering as the need melts off of me. I feel reduced to nothing but a shining light and then Bram is still going, still working away at me even though my muscles are rocking with spasms, muscles clenching around him.
“I’m too sensitive.” I try to tell him this and catch my breath at the same time but he doesn’t stop and it sounds like he’s operating on pure instinct now, driven to fuck, to come.
And somehow, I don’t know how, but my sensitivity melts away and even though I’m still full and swollen, I’m coming again for the second time.
This time Bram comes too. It seems violent, surreal, bigger than the both of us. His sounds, those gorgeous, crazed sounds, fill the car and as I come down from yet another high – the greatest high – he’s holding my sweaty back against his damp chest. He kisses down my spine in between trying to catch his breath.
“Fuck,” he swears, trying to clear his throat. “That was unbelievable.”
“You’re telling me,” I tell him, my own chest heaving. I peel myself off the car door and nearly collapse onto the seat. “I’ve never come twice in a row like that.”
“Then next time we’ll have to shoot for three,” he says, smiling against my skin. He places his hand around my waist and then slowly pulls out. I automatically feel empty without him.
We sit down next to each other in the backseat, the air filled with the hot and musky scent of our sex. I’m totally naked and drenched. He looks both slick and disheveled at the same time.
“Let me know if you want a ride next time,” he tells me as he opens his door.
“Will I ever.” I quickly slip on my clothes and he drives us the rest of the way home, no more pit stops.
When we finally make it there, however, we disappear into his apartment for a quickie. I know, I know. We just had mind-blowing sex and should leave it at that. We’re fucking greedy, what can I say. And it’s bad of me since Lisa is on the clock, but I can’t help it. Even just leaving his car, his hands were all on me as we climbed the stairs and though car sex was as steamy – and ground-breaking – as anything, there was something about the comfort of a bed that called to me.
Plus, you know, the man was making me damn insatiable. When I was with Phil, I rarely felt this turned on all the time. Even when we first started dating, everything was so controlled and, let’s face it, my physical attraction to Phil was never off the charts. He was cute, albeit skinny, but I think I was more attracted to his indifference and brains than anything else. And it’s not like he made me feel like the sexiest woman on earth. If I ever gained a bit of weight – and this was back when I was so damn thin – he’d comment and it would set me off for days.
So where sex with Phil had been adequate – I mean, it produced Ava – it was never that bone-melting, must have, orgasms all night, kind of sex. Not like it is with Bram. I wonder if this is what sex in general is supposed to be like or I just got the luck of the draw with Bram. I’m going to assume it’s mostly the latter.
Finally though, it’s time to return to my apartment. Bram says he’ll freshen up and then come over to sleep once Lisa leaves and I’m ready for bed.
“Sorry I’m late,” I tell Lisa as I step inside. “Missed my bus.”
She looks a bit cross but says, “That’s okay.” She gets up off the couch. “Ava was an angel, as always. Her levels were fine, too.”
“That’s great, thank you.”
She walks past me to the door but stops and stares at me with a discerning eye. “You look different.”
“Do I?” I ask. I checked my hair and makeup in the car back from our “shag spot” and after the quickie, so I don’t think I particularly look like I’ve just had sex or done something wrong.
“You’re all flushed,” she notes.
“Must have been the walk from the bus stop,” I tell her, wanting to add that it’s cold outside but I don’t want to keep talking and make her suspicious. It’s not that I’m trying to keep us a secret, it’s just that I don’t know what us is yet. And screwing your landlord doesn’t look very good to the outside eye.
She opens the door and then jerks her head toward Bram’s apartment. “You know, your neighbor has some pretty loud sex.”
I nearly choke. “Oh yeah?”
She nods gravely. “Yeah. I don’t know how you sleep with that racket. Got to admit, he makes for a good show. And whatever woman he’s with.”
I feel my cheeks burn. “Have a good night, Lisa. Thanks again.”
I have no idea now if she suspects about Bram and I, but I know at some point she’s going to put two and two together. I make a mental note that just because we’re in Bram’s apartment, doesn’t mean I can cry out his name at the top of my lungs. I should ask him to gag me next time and then that thought itself turns me on.
But when Bram comes into my bedroom later, I’m exhausted and it seems like he is too. He doesn’t push me for sex, he just wraps his thick arms around me and holds me to him. It’s nice. It’s so nice, just to be held, to be wanted.
“You comfortable?” he whispers in my ear.
“Very,” I tell him. “I’m used to Ava crawling over me or just sleeping on me like a sack of potatoes. But this, this is very nice.”
“Good,” he says. “Because I don’t plan on letting go.”
“I had no idea you were such a cuddler, Mr. McGregor.”
“Oh, there’s probably a few things you don’t know about me, sweetheart,” he murmurs. “But you will, in time.” He kisses my earlobe. “Besides, it’s hard not to hold onto you. I’m afraid if I let go of you for one minute, you may just slip through my fingers. And then where would I be?”
“Jacking off?”
“Aye,” he says. “But you can’t do that forever.”
“Really? I’ve tried.”
“You really need to show me your dildo collection one day.”
“Only if you promise to behave with them.”
“Nicola,” he says in mock indignation. “I can’t believe you think I would do anything that would jeopardize your fair virgin beauty.”
I giggle. “Shut up. Who knew you were such a dork?”
“Not many do, so please keep it between us and I won’t tell anyone about your dildo collection.”
“It’s just a few toys,” I say, playfully slapping his arm and settling back into the mattress. It feels so, so good just to be in his arms. “Besides, I think everyone I know has an idea. Steph says men think of me as an ice queen. Ice queens don’t get laid.”
“Mmmm, that’s not true. They do get laid. It’s just on their own terms. This was on your terms, Nicola, and you know that. Maybe I oughta thank you for letting me between your legs. Or maybe I oughta congratulate myself for saying all the right things, though for the life of me I don’t know what they were.”
“I’ll just say, whatever you’re doing—”
“Which is you,” he interjects. “Over and over again.”
“—keep doing it.”
“And tonight?”
Now I feel a bit guilty. “I’m actually kind of tired.”
“Same,” he says, propping up his pillow. “But that doesn’t mean I won’t wake you up in the middle of the night the only way I know how.”
I smile at that and let this absolute feeling of peace settle over me. The moment, as simple as it is, is pretty much perfect. It is perfect. I’ve got my daughter in her own room, responding well to the insulin and shots, taking the whole thing like the trooper she is. I’ve got a wonderful apartment, more than just a roof over my head. I’ve got the opportunity to really get my life on track, to start over and end strong, and I’m doing just that. And now I’ve got Bram, this wonderful beast of a man who keeps my brain guessing and my body coming.
I do catch myself on that last thought though. Because as much as I have him in the moment, as much as his arms are around me, keeping me calm and warm as the cool night air wafts in through the open window, and as much as I had him earlier tonight, I don’t really know what the future will bring. I don’t even know what we are. He said he wouldn’t date or fuck anyone else and I believe that, just as I wouldn’t even think of it myself.
But what does that mean? Are we in a relationship? Does he do relationships, like boyfriend and girlfriend, or am I just some sort of a monogamous fuckbuddy? I want to say that I don’t mind just being a fling, especially if I’m the only one he has. But the truth, the damn scary truth, is that I’m falling for him. It’s not love, I know it’s not. It’s not hitting me over the head, it’s not stealing my heart.
But he is stealing my thoughts. He’s training my body to want him and only him and all the time. He’s making my heart beat faster when he’s around, he’s making me smile like an idiot when I even hear his name. He’s making me look forward to each and every day because I know he’ll be in it and when I imagine a day without seeing his handsome face, there’s this strange sensation in my chest, like my heart is bereft.
My heart can’t be involved though, it’s too risky, it’s too soon. I don’t want love to swoop on into my life and turn it upside down, not now when everything is starting to go right. In my experience, love is a destructive force, tearing hearts to shreds and forcing people to pick up the pieces. Even the best love stories are violent tales.
I have to wonder if Bram has ever been in love. If he’s actually gone that distance and bid farewell to his heart. If he’s been serious enough about someone else to share a part of his life with them to move in, to have something that has a label attached. I wonder if he’s ever been down this road and if it’s something he’s even open to.
“Have you ever been in love?” I ask, my voice sounding far away, as if in a dream. I can’t believe I’m actually asking those words out loud, but there you have it. If my brain doesn’t turn off, stuff will eventually come out my mouth.
I can feel him flinch beside me so that cancels out any hope that he was already asleep. Sometimes I have no idea how long I get lost in my thoughts. Is it moments? Minutes? I tilt my head to see his sharp gaze in the hazy darkness. “Don’t worry,” I go on. “I’m not in love with you,” I assure him.
“Oh,” he says, clearing his throat. “That’s too bad.” He swallows and then rolls on his back so he’s staring up at the ceiling. “Yes. I was in love. Only once. I had it pretty bad too but…I was young. Shit happened. I panicked and I fucked up. I fucked up big time. I was just such a bloody idiot. It’s a real fucking shame, you know? Because I think love is the sort of thing you should reflect on and feel good about. That’s what love is, isn’t it? A good thing? But I can’t look back on her, on what happened, and feel anything but shame.” His chest rises and falls with a deep breath. “What I wouldn’t give sometimes for that chance again to just fix things…make them right. But we rarely get a second chance, do we?”
I know it shouldn’t bother me, but the way he’s talking about this woman is making my heart cower, like an early frost has stormed on in. “What’s her name?” I ask.
He hesitates for a moment then says, “Taylor.”
So, Taylor did a real number on him. I hoped that whatever we were – whatever we could be – would be enough to erase her from his mind.
“That’s a nice name,” I tell him, feeling stupid as I say it.
“She was a nice girl,” he says. “But that’s all in the past and in the past is where it will stay. What about you? Your baby daddy?”
I chew on my lip for a moment. “Was I in love with Phil? You know what? I don’t know. I guess so. Maybe it was just infatuation? Stubbornness? Like I’d become so determine to love him I thought I did. Is that possible? Anyway, whatever we had, it still ruined me in the end so maybe it was love or maybe it was just loss. I don’t know.”
“Maybe it was love or maybe it was just loss,” he repeats slowly. “I like that. That makes sense to me. Because sometimes you don’t know, you just know what you had is gone and you know how that makes you feel.”
“Yeah,” I say through a heavy breath, remembering how damn low I felt after Phil left. How scared. Now, I don’t know if my heart itself was breaking because love was lost or if it was just what Phil was to me that was gone. “I guess you know if you know.”
“That’s true,” he says. His arms tighten around me. “Now, why are you getting all philosophical in the dark, huh? Do you need a spanking to set you right?”
I giggle and push his face away from my neck as he attempts to kiss me. “No, I’m good.”
“You’re the opposite of good and you’re going to be punished.”
He suddenly flips me over and climbs on top of me, his hand smacking the side of my hip, his mouth all over my neck and shoulders. I can’t help but laugh as he kisses my worries away.