Nicola
Ava has Type 1 juvenile diabetes. It takes a moment to sink in and even though there is some relief that there is a name for what’s wrong with her, I realize that this damn name – diabetes – has a world of connotations.
A disease.
No cure.
My little girl.
Suddenly I’m filled with so much rage with my current doctor that he never suspected, that he never had her tested.
“She’s quite young,” the doctor says, catching the fire on my face. “Usually it happens from around eight to ten years old. She’s going to be fine and live a long healthy life as long as she gets her shots.”
“And how much do those cost?” I can’t believe I’m blurting that out.
He rubs his forehead. “If you aren’t insured, it’s about $300 for a month’s supply. That’s for the insulin. You’ll also need needles, an insulin pen when you’re on the go, and a blood sugar monitor.”
I can’t even fathom what the hospital bill is going to cost me, let alone $300 a month to keep Ava alive. Obviously there is no alternative – I’ll pay it. But I don’t know how, and that, that scares me more than anything.
Steph has her arm around me and she’s saying words of comfort, telling me she’ll help, but I could never let her do that. I can’t even comprehend anything right now.
The doctor injects Ava with insulin on her stomach, showing me how to do it. I force myself to concentrate, to break through the fog and pay attention. Ava doesn’t seem to notice, she just squirms a little but still appears to be asleep. Steph pays attention too, telling me she might have to do it one day if I can’t.
And then, maybe out of the kindness of his jaded heart, the doctor puts a vial of insulin and a package of needles into my hands and tells me this will do her well for a month. He also writes Ava a prescription and tells me I still need a monitor but he quickly shows me with the one he has how to use it to make sure her levels are normal. He adds that I can have a nurse or a diabetes educator to show me again how to do it all when we’re later settled at home, plus help with overhauling her diet.
It’s a lot to take in and I’m not sure how much that I do. I know I have to see Ava’s doctor and give him a piece of my mind and hope that he can explain again just what the hell I have to do.
Ava is kept under observation for a few more hours. Time goes slow under the night sky and especially under the glow of a hospital’s fluorescent lights.
Ava is starting to look like her healthy self, though. She’s still sleeping but her skin is a normal color and her breathing is normal. The nurse tells me she can go home with me in another hour.
I look at Steph who seems almost white with fatigue.
“Please go home,” I tell her. “I love you so much for being here, but I’ve got it now.”
She gives me a soft smile. “Okay. But only with your honest blessing.”
“It’s honest,” I tell her. “And tell Linden I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” she says, getting up from the chair and stretching her arms above her head. “And tell Linden yourself. He’s been here for hours.”
“What?”
“In the waiting room with Bram.” She frowns. “I told you but I guess you didn’t hear me…or notice where I’ve been going every five minutes.”
I shake my head. “And Bram is still here? With that blonde Swedish thing?”
“Ha,” she says. “She lasted two minutes and made Bram drive her to her friend’s place. Not that I blame her. I am surprised Bram came back, though. I’m going to see if he can drive me and Linden home and then come back for you guys.”
“No,” I say quickly, not wanting to have anyone else do anything special for me. “That’s okay, I’ll cab it.”
“Nicola,” she warns, pausing at the door. “Money spent on cab is better spent on your daughter. Besides, he has your car seat. I’m sure it will be fine. Call me in the morning, okay, sweetie, and send Ava my love. I’ll come by and bring her something nice and the two of us can go over the medication again. I’ll take you to Target. I’m sure they have good deals at their pharmacy. If they don’t, we can at least pick up some cheap beer.”
After the door closes behind her, I feel the coldness of the room and fragility of the night. I’m eternally grateful that Steph was here, but now that I’m alone with Ava, I feel like I can finally be myself and feel the feelings I buried deep during the night.
Only the tears don’t come. Nothing does. I’m either in shock or just too tired to take in the enormity and futility of the situation—this damn, horrible situation.
It’s around 3am when the nurse comes in, checks on Ava and with a big smile, tells me it’s time to go home. She unhooks her from the IV and I put her back in her clothes, her dress already cleaned by the kind nurse.
I gather Ava in my arms, holding her up and in a slumber state she wraps her own little arms around my neck. I take a long moment to just breathe and let my heart swell.
When I step out and walk down the halls, I’m shocked to see Bram sitting in the waiting room. He’s sleeping in his chair, but he’s there when he has no reason to be.
I take a moment to stare at him. His legs are stretched in front of him, still in that same slick suit from earlier, though now I notice he has the world’s ugliest socks on. It actually throws me off a little – they are brown and yellow with what looks like the Loch Ness monster on them and totally don’t jive with his expensive suit (Armani, by the looks of it) or the fact that he’s in his mid-thirties. His head is back, his thick throat exposed, his eyes closed. He looks like he’d be in the throes of ecstasy if it weren’t for the fact that I can hear him snoring lightly.
I go over to him and peer down at his face. I’ve never really stared at him like this before since I never wanted him to catch me looking – his ego might chalk it up to something more than it is.
Though, I guess, he has a right to be impressed with himself. It’s a good face. Dark, arched brows, that firm and wide jawline, perfect lips that stretch into the perfect grin, sly grey eyes that always seem on the verge of telling you a secret but don’t just to toy with you. He’s like a big cat, a very, very big one.
But big cats are dangerous and so are playboys. I straighten up and clear my throat.
His eyes snap open and he blinks a few times at me. “What time is it?” He looks at Ava. “She’s okay?”
My mouth twists. “She’s okay for the moment.” I pause. “I’m sorry you had to wait. I was happy taking a cab.”
“Hey, my sister-in-law asked me to drive you home and I’d do anything for family,” he says, getting to his feet. “I’m glad your little one is okay, though.”
I nod, unable to say more. We leave the ER and go to his car in one of the lots. Once Ava is all strapped in and we’re on the road, I want to thank him for the ride but everything is caught in my throat.
“Are you okay?” Bram asks as I repeatedly clear my throat.
“Thank you for driving me,” I manage to say, my voice nothing more than a whisper.
“No worries,” he says. His expression turns grave in the passing lights. “But are you okay?”
I nod again, trying to give him a reassuring smile, but the pressure behind my eyes and nose builds and I feel everything crumbling down from the inside out. I look out the window, and for the second time in two days, I know I’m going to completely lose it.
The tears come first, then the sobs that squeeze the breath out of my lungs. I want to cry just for the fact that I’m crying in front of Bram of all people, someone I barely know. But I’m really crying for the hopelessness, the frustration, that never-ending feeling of why me? A pity party, I know. I have them all the time. Except now I feel fear for myself, for Ava, more than pity. Fear that I won’t be able to get through it without majorly overhauling my life.
Bram doesn’t say anything, which I guess is good. He just ignores me and I hope he can pretend I’m not there. He keeps driving.
And then I start talking. The moment I open my mouth, I know it’s a mistake, but there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
“I got fired yesterday,” I say in between sobs. “A week away from my health insurance kicking in. My rent went up in my shitty, fucking apartment. My car doesn’t work. Now Ava’s sick. She’s really sick, and I have no idea how I’m going to pay for anything, how I’m going to help her get better, how I’m going to be a good mom. A good mom would have her life together but I don’t have anything. I’m just…useless. I can’t keep a job. I got an education in something passionate, not practical. I have nothing going for me but her and I don’t know how I’ll even keep her alive. I mean, I didn’t ask for this responsibility, I didn’t ask for it. But I promised I would take care of her and it’s like the world is testing me every moment it gets.” I pause and try to think of something positive to stop the tears, but there is nothing. “The insulin will cost me $300 a month. How can I pay for that when I could barely pay my rent before, let alone now without a job?”
The car is silent except for my shaky breath. A few moments pass, then Bram says, “What about your parents?”
It figures he would say that since he coasted by on his parents’ money for so long.
I swallow and shake my head. “No. No, my mom helps out doing what she can. She watches Ava twice a week. But she’s a fucking maid. I mean, if you knew her, if you knew me growing up, you’d never believe it. What she’s become. But she made a bunch of mistakes and now she’s lost it all and…she’s no better off than me.”
“I get it. And your father?”
“He’s a good guy.” I wipe my tears away with the palm of my hand. “But I talk to him once a month. He does a lot of charity work out in India and South East Asia. Whatever money he has, he gives.”
“So he could give to you.”
“It’s not the same,” I say. “He helps those in real need.”
“It sounds like you’re in need.”
I can feel his eyes boring into me. I stare down at my hands. “I wouldn’t ask him. I don’t want him to think I’m anything but okay.” I can see Bram nod out of the corner of my eye and the car is silent again and I’m feeling worse than before.
It’s not long before we’ve pulled up in front of my apartment building. Through the stream of tears I can see the usual crack bums and derelicts milling outside. They always get worse at night.
“I’m going to take you inside,” Bram says to me and his deep, rich voice tells me I’m not to argue. “I can’t believe you live here. You shouldn’t live here.”
I should feel insulted by that but I’m not. “I can’t believe it either,” I whisper. I step out of the car and with Bram standing watchfully between me and the junkies, I get Ava out of the seat. He quickly scoops up the booster, locks his car with a flashy display of his fancy alarm system, and we go inside.
Once in the lobby I reach for the seat to take it out of his hands but he holds firm. For once, the arrogant smirk is all gone and he’s damn serious.
“I’m taking you to your apartment,” he says. “I don’t trust this neighborhood, and believe me, I went to school in Glasgow. I’m going to make sure you’re safe.”
“You don’t need to do that,” I say, still holding onto the seat.
“I don’t need to do anything,” he says. “I want to. I’m going to.”
“Your car…”
He glances out the glass door to the street. “My car is fine. I got a good look at them all and they know it. The alarm is loud. They wouldn’t dare.”
Reluctantly I let go of the seat and go up the stairs to the second floor. Outside my apartment I stop and take out my keys. I really don’t want him to see it or to come inside. It’s weird, but I feel like he’ll think he knows me if I do that, as if he could garner a glimpse of my soul from my furniture, art and framed photos. Though I guess after everything I just bawled to him in the car, he probably knows me enough by now.
“This is me,” I tell him, giving him a stiff smile and the unfriendly stare I do when I want someone to leave me alone.
He licks his lips and nods. “Okay.” He puts down the seat against the door. “I better get back home. But…listen.” He leans with one arm against the door and stares so deeply into my eyes I’m forced to listen. Hell, I’m practically hypnotized. “I know I’m probably not your favorite person and that’s okay. But I honestly think I can help you.”
“Help me?” I say, just a bit too loudly. Ava stirs her head on my shoulder.
He takes a business card out of his wallet and hands it to me. “Call me. Tomorrow. And we’ll talk. I have a solution.” He looks at Ava’s sleeping body and then at me. “She has a good mum.” Then he walks down the hall and down the stairs.
He goes before I can thank him again.