Chapter 5

Learning the Art of Conflict

Conflicts are realities that we deal with every single day. At home, at the workplace, school, at the ballet class, at the tennis court, there is always going to be someone who would not agree with you. That is the simple reality about life that you have to understand. Some people try to keep conflict away by pleasing everyone they meet but guess what? Conflict comes sooner or later.

You may have already begun to experience conflict in your relationship. Little disagreements range between what to do, where to go and also centered on discussions on some political or economic topics. I want you to first understand that you do not have to share the same ideas with your partner because you come from different backgrounds and a different experience in life. However, the aim of this chapter is to help you adopt the right attitude towards conflicts so that you do not end up breaking off because of it.

Learn to disagree without being disagreeable

Quick fact: Conflicts are usually charged with enough tensions that can explode any minute.

Like I said, conflicts are inevitable during the course of any relationship because there would be points of divergence between your views and your partner's. However, you can be able to avoid escalating the tensions that comes with conflict and you learn the way to. That is what is called disagreeing without being disagreeable.

A perfect lover understands that he/she is disagreeing with the point of her/his partner and not with the individual. There is a big difference and sadly many couples do not know. When you showcase a disagreement for the point being made, you are courteous, and you listen better. I need to hammer on listening for a little while before moving forward.

Generally, people think they listen but they don't. Rather, they let their minds wander off for a period of time and search for the perfect time to butt in with their own opinion. A perfect lover does not do this; rather, there is a patient approach undertaken and it starts from genuinely listening.

On a scale of 1 to 10 how kind are you with your words when you argue with your partner?

If you are always attacking her/his ability to present arguments, I can assure you that you will leave the scene with your relationship in shambles. This is why you should always separate the person from the point she/he is trying to pass across

You don't have to win always!

Quick fact: 80% of people always think they are right even though they are presented with facts to prove otherwise

I don't know about you but that figure seems to be pretty high to me. It tells that at most times, people generally argue from a psychological point of view and do not give a damn about your logical fact. Let us say, for instance, that your girlfriend is a passionate advocate for guns and believes that families should own them. I can assure you that no amount of statistics of gun violence would make her shift her ground because it is psychological in nature.

Get this: I am not saying that people are always irrational when arguing. I am only saying that there is a high chance that your partner would not shift his ground because shifting that ground would mean going against his personal beliefs. It would mean going against what his parent's taught him when he was little.

Now that you know that most arguments are psychological in nature, what do you do?

I believe a perfect lover understands the time to back down from an argument. The perfect lover understands that every fight cannot be won and it is better to stop an argument in order to save a relationship.

So what happens to all the facts?

Truth is, facts may work to an extent but when you wave it too much, your partner may take it as an insult to his/her intelligence.

It's kinda like telling her, "Hey! Are you too dumb to see these facts?"

Trust me, you do not want your partner to think that way.

Understand the value of seeking help

I have noticed a kind of negative trend about most couples and romantic partners. There is this kind of 'us against the world' mentality which makes them insulate themselves against every form of help and criticism that comes. While I understand the need to always stand up for your partner, I think the perfect lover opens up her/his relationship sometimes to the scrutinizing eye of experts for help. What I am trying to say at this point is that you should very well ask for help if you are in dire need of it. There is no point trying to hold on to applying a particular cure when you are seeing the same results.

There is an axiom that goes thus, 'no human is an island'. It could as well read, 'no stable relationship is an island'.

Learn to always seek relationship advice from your parents.

Learn to seek for help from marriage counselors if you think you need an honest view from an outsider.

You could also confide in friends that are indeed close to you and family members.

Remember, that no matter the kind of advice they give, you will have to weigh it within yourself and determine to discard the advice or move ahead with it