CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Sean
Another day passed without much incident. I thought about Paisley and how to help her. Tara crossed my mind every few minutes and, much to my surprise, I wondered about the company. Would they still expect me to complete my contract? Or did my fight with Zach effectively end the deal altogether?
I wasn’t sure which option I hoped for more. On the one hand, I never truly wanted to work at Yates’ Motorcycles anyway. It wasn’t my first choice. Or my second or third. Still, it was amazing money that I couldn’t pass up. It meant a whole new life for me and Paisley. And it also meant I got to see Tara.
We hadn’t spoken since that day. I left the office with only Paisley in mind. It didn’t even occur to me to stop and talk to Tara on the way out. When she called, I didn’t know what to say. I thought about picking up. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. After what I did and what she heard, I didn’t know what to expect from her.
I was also angry. I was angry at Zach and my father, but I was also angry with Tara. It was her idea to bring me on at the company. If she hadn’t pitched it to my father, it never would have happened. I would have spent the rest of my life working happily as a mechanic. I was certain my dad would never have reached out to me, and I wouldn’t have either. We would have continued our blissfully dysfunctional silence forever.
It wasn’t the best way to live my life. I knew that. Continuing to ignore my family wasn’t healthy, but it was comfortable. We were never the Brady Bunch, but there was a time when we were a family. My mother was still alive. Zach and I were brothers. And my dad, though flawed, was my dad. I hated him often, but only in the way a son is supposed to. He was never the best dad, but I could have forgiven that if he hadn’t taken Zach’s side over mine.
Now, I would never know if we could have gotten past our issues. Maybe if Tara hadn’t brought me on, we would have found our way back to each other naturally. Maybe, in time, my brother would have seen the error of his ways and apologized. Maybe, my dad would have, too.
Deep down, I knew these maybes weren’t enough to build a life on. Reality mattered, and fantasies didn’t. My reality was ugly and painful, but it was mine and I had to learn how to accept it.
As I sat beside Paisley, watching movies, I wondered about Tara again. She hadn’t tried to call in a while, and I found myself missing the sound of my ringing phone. I thought about calling her, but I still didn’t know what I would say. How could I explain myself?
While I pondered this question, there was a loud knock on the front door. I frowned and stood up, but Paisley was faster. She ran to the door and pulled it open. I could see her face light up from where I stood. I knew whose name she would say before she spoke.
“Tara!” Paisley squealed.
“Hi,” Tara said. “Can I come in?”
Paisley stood back and let Tara inside. My eyes found hers, and I took in her appearance. She was wearing jeans and a loose t-shirt. Her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail and her face was bare. Her eyes were red, like she’d been crying. I immediately knew something was wrong.
“Hi,” I said weakly. “What are you doing here?”
“Can we talk?” Tara asked. She glanced at Paisley meaningfully, and I knew she wanted privacy.
“Sure,” I said. “Let’s go out back.”
“Okay,” Tara said. She nodded and moved toward me.
“I’ll be right back,” I said to Paisley. “Stay inside, okay?”
“Okay,” Paisley said. She sat down on the couch and returned her attention to the movie.
Tara and I walked to the back of the house and let ourselves outside. I had a small table set up at the back of the yard with a few chairs. I led Tara over to them and gestured for her to sit down. She did, looking at me with a nervous expression. I knew my own face mirrored hers.
“Tara,” I began slowly. “I’m sorry for—”
“You don’t have to apologize,” Tara said quickly. “That’s not why I’m here.”
“Then why are you here?”
“For a couple reasons,” Tara said vaguely. “First, I wanted to ask you. What did Zach mean when he asked if Paisley was really your daughter?”
Her question was blunt and to the point. It took me by surprise, but I quickly recovered. Tara had always been straightforward. Ever since we met, she never beat around the bush. She knew what she wanted, and she asked for it.
I thought about my answer. There was so much that went into Zach’s accusation that I didn’t quite know where to begin. Taking a deep breath, I decided on the beginning.
“Remember when I told you that Claire cheated on me?” I asked softly.
“Yes,” Tara said.
“She left me,” I said. “And there were a lot of reasons for her decision, but the main one was the other man. She started spending more and more time with him, and eventually, she fell for him. I don’t know when exactly their relationship started, but I know it went on for a long time before I found out. And when I did… When I did find out, I was crushed.”
“That’s understandable,” Tara said kindly.
“Yeah,” I said. “But it was partly my fault. Our marriage was far from perfect, but still. I just never imagined she would cheat or that she would leave me for another man.”
“I’m sorry,” Tara said. I knew she meant what she said, but there was an impatient edge to her voice. She didn’t want a recap of what she already knew. She wanted answers.
“The man she cheated with,” I said. “Was Zach.”
Tara’s eyes widened, and her mouth fell open. She hadn’t been expecting that. Just saying it out loud made my heart ache and my throat go dry. For years, I pushed down the pain of Claire’s betrayal and pretended like it didn’t affect me, but it did. It always did.
“Sean,” Tara said, shaking her head in disbelief. “I had no idea. I never would have imagined.”
“Me neither,” I said with a dark laugh. “Who imagines their wife will sleep with their brother?”
“No one,” Tara answered.
“I was a mess,” I admitted softly. “It broke my heart, but I thought we could fix it, you know? I tried to work things out. I begged Claire to just try, but she said no. She was done. And she left.”
“With Paisley?” Tara asked.
“Yes,” I said. “Paisley was just a baby at the time. She was so little. When Claire left, I didn’t have the energy to fight her. She told me Paisley would be better off without me, and I believed her. After all, if I couldn’t make my wife happy, how was I supposed to make my daughter happy? How could I take care of Paisley when my entire world was crashing down around me?”
“Sean,” Tara said firmly. “Paisley isn’t her mother.”
“I know,” I said. “At the time, I didn’t. I just thought it would be better for everyone if I stepped out of the way and let Claire be happy with Zach.”
“But, they weren’t,” Tara said. “Were they?”
“Not for long.” I shook my head. “I don’t know the details. I stopped talking to them both for obvious reasons. Claire and I only communicated when she needed money for Paisley. She and Zach split a long time ago. Paisley didn’t even remember him, so they obviously weren’t together for long. I always wanted to ask Claire about it, but I never did.”
“I’m so sorry,” Tara said. She reached forward and wrapped her hands around mine. “You didn’t deserve that.”
“In a way, I did,” I said. “I’ll never forgive Zach. He was supposed to be my brother, my family, but Claire… She tried for a long time, and I didn’t help. I didn’t make things easy for her.”
“She still shouldn’t have done that,” Tara said firmly.
“No.” I shook my head. “She shouldn’t have, but I always blamed Zach more.”
“I don’t blame you,” Tara said. She shook her head in disgust. “God… All these years, I hated Zach, but I had no idea just how much he deserved it.”
“I’m sorry,” I said suddenly. “You shouldn’t have had to see that the other day. What I did to Zach… It wasn’t right.”
“It’s okay,” Tara said with a smile. “I understand why you did it. I would have punched him if you didn’t, after what he did to Paisley.”
I nodded and held her hands tightly. It felt amazing to have her back with me. I didn’t realize just how much I missed her until I saw her again.
“Listen,” Tara said softly. “There’s something else I need to tell you.”
“What?” I asked.
“After the fight,” she began. “Your father… He collapsed and had to be taken to the hospital.”
I sat up straight and dropped her hands.
“He has a brain tumor,” Tara continued. “Apparently, he’s had it for a while now. He didn’t tell anyone, but after your fight with Zach, he just… His body couldn’t take it, I guess.”
“Is he—” I choked, fear flooding my body.
“He’s alive,” Tara said quickly. “He’s okay for now, but I think you should go see him. It would mean so much to him if you did.”
I leaned back in my chair and shook my head slowly. I knew Tara meant well, but she was wrong. If my fight with Zach caused my father to collapse, then I was the last person he wanted to see. Besides, I wasn’t the son he favored.
“He won’t want to see me,” I said. “When Zach and Claire had their affair, my father stood by Zach. We were all a family back then, but after the affair, Dad took Zach’s side without a second thought. He kept Zach on at the company and didn’t give me a second thought. Trust me, he does not want to see me right now.”
“Yes,” Tara said firmly. “He does. I know him, Sean.”
“So, do I,” I said stubbornly.
“You have to stop thinking that you aren’t good enough,” Tara said with frustration.
“What?”
“You constantly let your insecurities overwhelm you,” she said. “With Claire. With Paisley. With your father.”
“That’s not what this—” I began, but she cut me off.
“It is,” she snapped. “You don’t think you’re good enough for anything. You question whether you should even be a father to Paisley, and that’s just insane. I’ve seen how much you love her and how much she loves you. You are exactly what that little girl needs and you are exactly what your father needs. Sean, he needs you so much right now.”
“I don’t think I can,” I said.
“You have to,” she insisted. “Because, if you don’t, he’s going to die, and you’ll hate yourself forever. If you don’t say goodbye to him, if you don’t give him a chance to say goodbye to you, then you will never forgive yourself.”
“How do you know?” I asked softly. “How do you know that this isn’t for the best?”
“Because I know you,” she said simply. “You mean more to people than you think. You mean everything to Paisley and to me. And, as much as you don’t want to believe it, you mean everything to your father.”
I blinked, unsure of what to say. Part of me wanted to believe Tara, but a bigger part felt anxious and inadequate. After all these years, did my father even still care about me?
“You have to go see him, Sean,” Tara said. “You have to.”