CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Tara
Sean, Paisley, and I left for the hospital in Sean’s car. I offered to drive, but he needed to feel in control of something. I could tell by the set of his jaw that our visit with Ray was going to be difficult. Sean spent years resenting his father, and now, it was time to say goodbye and Sean didn’t know how to do that. As we drove down the highway, I tried to think of something to say that might calm Sean’s nerves. Nothing came to mind.
When we pulled into the parking lot at the hospital, Sean climbed out of the car and held Paisley’s door open for her. She jumped out, and I joined them on the sidewalk. Sean’s eyes were hard, determined. He picked up Paisley to carry her inside. He seemed to need her comfort more than he wanted to admit. Holding her held him together.
I brushed my fingers against Sean’s arm as we walked inside. He glanced at me with the hint of a smile. It was subtle, almost nonexistent, but it was enough. I didn’t know exactly how to help Sean. All I could do was be there, so that’s what I was determined to do. I would stand by him as long as he wanted. I would hold his hand. I would make sure he wasn’t alone.
Pausing at the nurse’s station, I quickly explained who Sean and Paisley were. The nurse nodded and waved us on. I led the way to Ray’s room and let Sean step inside first. His pace slowed as he crossed the threshold, but he kept moving. Paisley had her arms wrapped tightly around Sean’s neck. She looked a little nervous. After all, we hadn’t explained to her why we were there. For a little girl, hospitals were scary.
“It’s okay,” Sean whispered to her. “There’s just someone I want you to meet.”
I followed Sean into the room, and my eyes fell on Ray. Sean stopped walking and stared. I glanced at him, but he only had eyes for his father. Ray was lying on the bed with his eyes slightly open. His mouth was agape, and I couldn’t tell if he was awake or not. I could see the whites of his eyes but nothing else. He looked tired and old, but peaceful.
“Ray,” I said softly. “Ray, there’s someone here to see you.”
Ray’s eyes flickered open slowly. He blinked a few times before he could focus on our faces. He looked from me to Sean, then to Paisley. His face lit up in a bright smile, and he tried to sit up in bed.
“Don’t,” I said quickly, moving toward him. “You shouldn’t exert yourself right now. Just rest.”
Ray obeyed and fell back against his pillow. He stared at Sean with meaning in his eyes. Sean looked back at him silently. There was so much they both wanted to say that I wasn’t sure either of them knew where to begin.
Finally, Sean cleared his throat and stepped forward. He shifted Paisley in his arms as he approached Ray’s bedside.
“Paisley,” Sean said. “This is your grandpa.”
Ray’s eyes widened at the introduction, and his smile grew even wider. His entire world seemed to light up at Sean’s words.
“Hi Paisley,” Ray said softly. “It’s very nice to see you again.”
“Hi,” Paisley said. She tightened her grip on Sean’s neck. “Are you sick?”
“I am,” Ray said with a nod. “But that’s okay. I don’t feel so bad today.”
“Will you get better?” Paisley asked, her child’s voice too innocent for the room. I gulped and fought back tears. The last thing they needed was to see me cry.
“Probably not,” Ray said. “But that’s okay, too.”
“It is?” Paisley asked. Sean sniffed.
“Yeah.” Ray smiled. “When you’re old like me, things like being sick don’t bother you so much. All I care about is that I got to see you.”
“Really?” Paisley asked.
“Really,” Ray said. “You and your dad.”
“I’m sorry, dad,” Sean said. I couldn’t see his face, but I could hear the emotion in his voice. I wanted to reach out and hold him, but I knew it wasn’t the time.
“No.” Ray shook his head. “No son, I’m the one who needs to apologize. For everything. I never should have shut you out the way I did. Your brother was wrong, and I should have made that clear. I spent so many years trying to be a good father to him because I thought he needed it more, but I was wrong. What I did wasn’t fair. You deserved better.”
“I…” Sean began, but he quickly fell silent again. Instead, he reached forward and took Ray’s hand in his. Ray smiled and his eyelids began to drop heavily. He blinked a few times and forced his eyes back open, but I knew it was a struggle for him to stay awake.
“Listen,” Ray said, his voice stronger than I expected. “Nothing was ever your fault, okay? Nothing. You made mistakes, sure, but we all have. I didn’t stand by your brother because I thought he was right. I stood by him because I was afraid of what might happen to him without me. You? I always knew you would be okay, Sean. You have always been the strongest of us all.”
“I’m not strong,” Sean said weakly.
“You are,” Ray insisted. “You always have been, and you need to know that. You, son, are an amazing father to that little girl right there. She is incredibly lucky to have you. I’m just sorry I wasn’t a better father to you. I’m sorry for so much. I’m sorry for everything.”
“It’s okay,” Sean said quickly. “It’s okay, Dad. I forgive you. I forgive you.”
Ray smiled, and I saw him hold tighter to Sean’s hand. Sean frowned and glanced down at their interlocked hands. His expression told me it was time to take Paisley outside. Ray was starting to look worse. His exhaustion was getting the better of him.
“Sean,” I said softly. “Do you want me to…”
“Yes,” Sean said, reading my mind. “That would be good. Thank you.”
I nodded and hurried forward. I stepped up to Ray’s bedside and smiled down at him. Slowly, I leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.
“Get some rest,” I said to him. “Goodbye, Ray.”
I don’t know what inspired me to say my goodbyes, but I knew it was time. Ray’s eyes found mine. He smiled at me gratefully but didn’t speak. He just held my gaze for a few seconds before his eyes fell closed again.
“Come on,” I said, turning around. Sean set Paisley down, and I held out my hand for her to take. “Let’s go outside for a little bit.”
“Okay,” Paisley said. She looked at Ray and added, “Bye, grandpa.”
“Bye, angel,” Ray whispered. “Be good.”
My heart ached as I took one last look at Ray. I ran my fingers down Sean’s arm as I passed him. His eyes closed at my touch, but he didn’t speak. I passed him, and he stepped closer to his father. Paisley and I walked out into the hallway, her tiny hand wrapped safely in mine. I led her to a row of chairs a few feet away and gestured for her to sit down.
She climbed into a chair and curled her feet beneath her. Her hands were folded together, and she fixed her eyes on the wall in front of her. She looked so little sitting there. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and hold her, but I wasn’t sure how she would feel about that. She’d been through so much in the last couple months. Losing her mother, moving in with Sean, what happened with Zach… and now, this.
It couldn’t have been easy for Paisley. There were so many emotions swirling through all of us, and she was so young. I knew she couldn’t quite understand everything that was happening, but on some level, she knew it was important. She could sense the love between her father and her grandfather. It was good that we came. Sean and Paisley would both be sad, but they would have this memory to hold onto. One final day of bittersweet happiness with Ray.
“Is he going to die?” Paisley asked suddenly.
“Um…” I began. I glanced back at Ray’s hospital room, unsure of what to say.
“He said he probably wouldn’t get better,” Paisley said. “And if he doesn’t get better, that means he’s going to die, right?”
“I think so,” I admitted. “I’m sorry, Paisley.”
“It’s okay,” Paisley nodded. “I understand.”
“Do you?” I asked with a frown.
“Yes,” Paisley said. “Everyone has to leave sometime, right? When we get old or sick or if there’s an accident, we go somewhere else.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I guess we do.”
“I think it’s okay, though,” Paisley said with confidence. “I think the place we go is better.”
“You think so?” I asked, my eyes filling with tears.
“Yeah,” Paisley said. “It is. I don’t know where it is, but I know it’s better.”
“I think you’re right,” I said. I reached over to hold her small hand just as Sean stepped into the hallway. He called for a nurse, and three people came running down the hall. I stood up, but Sean motioned for me to stay where I was.
Dread filled my lungs, and I forgot how to breathe. I sunk down into my chair and held tight to Paisley’s hand. Without knowing how, I knew what was happening in Ray’s hospital room. I could sense it. So, when Sean finally walked out with tears streaming down his cheeks, I didn’t have to ask what was wrong. We knew. We all knew.
Sean walked over to us, and I stood up. Paisley stayed in her chair, watching us closely. Sean looked from my face to Paisley’s and then back again. He shook his head slowly, opening his mouth silently. Words failed him.
I stepped forward and pulled him into my arms. He held onto me quickly, like he was afraid I might slip away. I could feel his body shaking against mine, but no sobs escaped his lips. I didn’t know if he was trying to stay strong for Paisley or if he just wasn’t the type to break. Either way, I knew it was my job to be his strength. I promised Ray I would look after Sean, but even if I had never made that promise, I still would have been there.
It happened fast. I almost didn’t realize it, but somewhere along the way, I fell in love with Sean. He became the center of my world. Him and Paisley were the two people I thought about more than any others. I worried about them. I missed them. I loved them both.
Paisley stood up and wrapped her arms around Sean’s waist. He and I both slid one arm off each other to hold Paisley, too. The three of us stood there, holding each other, waiting for the pain to subside long enough to move.
It didn’t happen quickly. We held each other tightly without speaking. I thought about apologizing or saying something about how much Ray loved them both, but I knew my words wouldn’t mean anything. Not yet. Not now.
Instead, I just held them both and hoped they would feel my love. I hoped they would know how much they meant to me. I would do anything to make them feel better. Sean’s grip on me tightened and I knew he could feel it, too. In that moment, we became bonded together. We were heartbroken by Ray’s death, but we were also in love with each other and with the little girl wrapped around our waists.