Chapter Six
“Tell me to stay,” I ask Avery, almost desperate for her to convince me. “Tell me to stay at Smith College, to ignore what’s going on at home, to do whatever I have to do to finish here.”
“Is that what you want to do?” she asks quietly.
We’re in her penthouse suite, curled up on the antique sofa with a plush throw blanket and a bucket of popcorn. I’ve already put in my formal request to take a leave of absence and booked the flight for tomorrow. Which makes this goodbye.
“I don’t have a choice,” I say, though we both know that isn’t true.
A haunted expression crosses her pretty face. She always looks so put together. Even in class her nails are perfectly shaped and her lip gloss in place. Her makeup is never overdone, but it’s definitely polished. Only when she’s in her suite does she let her guard down.
“Look, I want to support you. Especially with how hard this must be. But I feel like I should say… you can stay. You should stay. Your father is your past. This is your future.”
“Is that what you would do?”
“No,” she admits ruefully. “I would have done anything for my father. And I guess I did. I can’t say that I really regret it, but it also was misguided. I was blind to his faults. So desperate to hold on to my last piece of family.”
Acid burns my throat. “I know what that’s like.”
“The women in Tanglewood don’t fare too well,” she says softly.
I know the sad story of her mother, how even with all her money and education she hadn’t managed to escape the dark side of the city. It would be even harder without those resources. Impossible. It had been pure luck that had let me leave the first time.
That luck won’t find me again.
“I don’t think I can stay here, knowing he might be in trouble. But I don’t want to leave. It’s been too good here,” I say in a whisper, a little rueful. To know what it’s like, life without struggling for my next meal, for the next five dollars that may never come.
“You can come back,” Avery says.
She’s a wonderful friend, but she doesn’t know what it’s like to be hungry for years. And I wouldn’t wish that on her. “Maybe.”
“You can,” she insists. “You can visit home, make sure your dad is okay, and then fly back. If you need money, I can help.”
“Please,” I say, my cheeks turning warm. “You’ve done enough for me.”
She frowns. “It’s not charity, Penny. You’re my friend.”
“And you’re my friend. That’s why I don’t want to take advantage of you.”
This is an argument we’ve had before. I can see the old arguments in the air of her apartment, how she wants to help me, how she doesn’t need the money. It feels too good to have a friend, though. One I don’t owe. One who doesn’t owe me.
“It’s not only that,” I admit. “I’m a little afraid to go home. To see him.”
She doesn’t ask who I mean. Damon Scott. The man who saved me. The man who pushed me away. And the only person who will know where Daddy is.
“Do you think he’ll give you a hard time?” she says, sounding worried, as if she thinks he’ll give me a hard time. “I can ask Gabriel to talk to him. He’s out of the country at the moment, but—”
“No, it’s not that. It’s more about my reaction to him.”
“Oh,” she says knowingly.
“I think I was silly before. Thinking there was anything between us. He’s probably forgotten all about me.” This is what I convinced myself. It was the only way I could actually leave Tanglewood. After the phone call I’m not so sure.
But even if he cared about me back then, I was a little girl. How could he have cared about me? How could he have known me? I barely even knew myself. The young woman sitting on this couch with Avery James is someone else entirely.
“Or maybe he’s been pining after you.”
My throat gets tight, filled with words I don’t dare say. “No. I was only a teenager when I saw him last. He kissed me, but I think… I’m afraid it was only out of pity.”
She looks dubious. “I don’t think Damon Scott kisses people out of pity.”
“Maybe not. But it’s been three years. He could have kissed every girl in the city by now.”
“He could have kissed none of them.”
Only when my heart beats faster do I realize that’s what I’ve been wishing for. How stupid of me. How presumptuous. And yet I can’t deny the possibility. He had kissed me. And it hadn’t felt like pity, the faint tremor in his strong body, the gentle way his lips touched mine.
“Has Gabriel said anything about him lately?”
Avery’s hazel eyes grow troubled. “No, but I’m not sure if he would tell me. They’ve been arguing. And he’s been gone so much for work. So much traveling.”
There’s more than travel bothering her. I feel her unease as surely as my own, dark and sinewy, climbing our ankles like vines. “Have you told him you’re worried about him?”
Her nose scrunches. “I shouldn’t be surprised you can see right through me. You always were crazy smart.”
“With numbers,” I remind her. “Not people.”
“They’re not so different, I think. Both of them are puzzles.”
I put her hand in mine. “I can tell you’re worried because I care about you.”
It still feels strange to touch anyone.
I didn’t get hugged much as a child. My mother left early, first in spirit, losing herself in drugs and men. Then in body. Daddy did his best for me, but he was never much of a hugger. Maybe that’s why it meant so much for Damon Scott to hold me. He was really the first person who did.
She squeezes my hand, looking grateful. “I didn’t want to tell anyone. Not even him. As if saying the words would make it more real. I can’t help but think one of these days he’s going to go away and not come back.”
My blood runs cold. That’s the dream I had since I was a child. One by one, everyone I love disappearing. Like a terrible fable, one that ends with me alone.
I struggle to keep my voice even. “You should tell him how you feel.”
“No, he would just worry about me. Maybe even stay here more when he really needs to be visiting to make these deals. I know I should feel better that he’s had this rift with Damon Scott. He’s mostly a criminal. Definitely dangerous. That leaves Gabriel with more time to focus on his legitimate business.”
Definitely dangerous. The words echo in my head. “But?”
“But it was good to know someone had his back. At least they trust each other. Or they did. Now it seems like everyone has some secret agenda. And Gabriel is operating by himself.”
“He probably has a good sense of who to trust. That’s how he got so far.”
“You’re right,” she says, smiling a little. It’s troubled, though. She’s not convinced. And the truth is, neither am I. It bothers me more than I want to admit to hear that Gabriel Miller and Damon Scott have had a falling out. What could it be about?
“Things will seem better in the morning,” I say, not because I believe it but because I want it to be true.
Worry draws a crease between her eyebrows. “Will you sleep over?”
“Oh.” I glance at the large California king, covered in plush white 1000-thread count linens. It’s definitely big enough for the both of us, but still weird to be where Gabriel would sleep.
“Come on,” she says, her voice teasing. “You’re way too drunk on popcorn and Perrier to walk back to your room.” Her tone grows serious. “And I’m actually kind of scared to be alone.”
That decides me. “Of course I’ll stay. And tomorrow you’ll call Gabriel and tell him what you’re really feeling. He deserves to know, and you deserve to have him help you through it.”
“Yes, ma’am,” she says, relief in her voice.
I feel relieved too, to not sleep alone for one night out of a thousand, to have a break from the dreams that plague me. But the nightmares come again, worse than ever. I’m in a crowd of glittering diamonds and gold, so sparkling I can’t even see anyone’s faces. And then one by one the lights go out. The people disappear. Until I’m left standing alone in a ballroom.
And then the ballroom turns into an empty pool, its green tiles cracked, dark roots breaking it apart from underneath. It’s filling with water, blackness rising, until I can’t see anything at all.