Chapter

Teressa was home when Dove got home. “What are you doing back already? Don’t tell me they found him.”

“Sort of,” she answered.

“How do they sort of find him?”

“They found him, but he got away. I’m off work till further notice. I can still write lesson plans for the sub, but I can’t be at school.”

“Oh, Dove, I’m so sorry.”

“What do I do with my day? I can’t even go to the school! I’m scared to leave the house, because who knows where this guy is, and even after two cops seeing the guy some of the others doubted me.”

“Dove, I think it’s time we pray,” Teressa said.

Dove scoffed. “Yeah, that’s what I need now. Prayer. Not some real police presence.”

“Dove, who’s more powerful? God or the police?”

“You know how I have to answer that.”

“But do you believe it?”

“As much as one can believe such things, I guess.” Dove wasn’t sure she believed it all. If God was going to help her, wouldn’t he have done it already? It wasn’t that Dove wasn’t sure whether or not he could do it; Dove wasn’t sure God wanted to do it. He was powerful, but maybe not good.

“Can I pray for you?”

“Sure, why not?”

Teressa grabbed Dove’s hands, and they both closed their eyes. “God, please help Dove,” Teressa prayed, “she’s scared, and unsafe, and is having trouble seeing your plan. Please keep her safe and show her how you’re using this situation for her benefit. Help her feel you and have your peace. Amen.” Teressa opened her eyes and let go of Dove’s hand. “You feel anything?”

“Not really,” Dove answered.

“Good thing it’s not about feelings, then. He’s there whether you feel it or not.”

“Then I hope he helps me out of this mess,” she said, but she didn’t say it with much conviction or belief.

Teressa patted her hand. “He will. I believe he doesn’t give his creatures more than they can handle. God wants what’s best, though it might not always seem clear. He’s going to do what’s good.”

“Yeah, best overall. Maybe it’s best for everyone if I’m dead,” Dove said.

“Dove! Don’t say such things!”

“I’m not saying I’m going to kill myself or whatever. I’m just saying, when God does ‘what’s best,’ it’s not what’s best for the individual for all the martyrs. It was best for the world that they died, but not best for them.”

“What about heaven?”

“That’s a crappy answer and you know it.”

“Fine. You’re right. Maybe God’s not doing what’s best for you. But if you weren’t so selfish, that wouldn’t bother you.”

“Are you calling me selfish?” Dove snapped.

“I said it, didn’t I?” Teressa said back.

“I’m out of here,” Dove said, and she turned and walked out, slamming the door behind her. Dove couldn’t remember the last time she had been so mad. The cops not believing her had never produced that kind of anger. She wanted to run till she completely forgot what she was running from. But someone was after her. Where could she go where it was safe? She wanted to be angry at her home, where she belonged. It only made sense to her that she would feel better home. So many emotions seemed more manageable away from everyone and everything, curled up in bed with the TV on.

I am selfish? She wondered while walking. She should want what’s best for the world, shouldn’t she? But everyone felt some sort of sense of self-preservation, didn’t they? Wasn’t that just how the world worked? Dove wanted to be able to ask someone, but she wasn’t sure how to ask. She didn’t know who would talk to her. She realized she could call Nate, but he was still at work, and besides, she wasn’t sure she wanted to talk to him. He may like her, but he was powerless to stop her stalker. Everyone was powerless against him.

Dove realized she really probably shouldn’t go home. So she started walking towards town. Maybe if she went back to the precinct they could help her. She just wanted to go somewhere where someone would try to understand her pain instead of just spouting out something about how it would all work out for the best. She didn’t need anyone else telling her that the best was going happen. She wanted, just for a moment, to be selfish. Was that so wrong?

She walked to the precinct, then stood at the edge of the room, not quite sure what to do. She walked towards Nate’s turned back. “Uh, Officer O’Bannon?” she said.

He turned towards her. “Oh, Ms. Babcock! What is it? Did you see him again?”

“No, I, uh—I was just wondering if I could talk to you in private.”

“Yeah, okay, let me just take you into one of the private interview rooms.” He put a hand gently on her arm, and led her forward.

Dove’s entire body lit up. He was touching her. What more could she want out of life? Some of her anger dissipated. Just being around him made her calm.

He shut the door behind them and led her to a seat. This room contained no two-way mirror or intercom. Just the two of them and the tiny window in the door. “What is it, Dove?” he asked, face showing concern. “Do you still feel unsafe?”

“No, no, it’s not that exactly. I’m not sure it’s a police matter at all,” Dove said, and she saw him glance towards the door.

“It’s only us here, Dove. You can tell me what’s wrong.”

“Well, Teressa, she called me selfish. Do you think I’m selfish?”

“What in the world have you done that was selfish?” Dove heard the protectiveness in his voice and was thankful. She could use someone who was protective.

“Well, see, we talked about how God’s goodness wasn’t necessarily played out for each person, but for humanity as a whole. And I want things to be fair for me.”

“Well, I think that’s what everyone wants.”

“Yeah, but doesn’t everyone have evil hearts? I mean, is it wrong to be mad?” Dove wanted to be made to understand. She needed someone to help her understand.

“Dove, have you read many of the psalms?”

“Well, I’ve read all of them at one time or another.”

“And what emotions are talked about in the psalms?” he asked, pulling his chair closer to her.

“Well, all of them, I guess.”

“Exactly. The emotions come from God. Even anger. I’m sure you have heard of righteous anger. Someone is making you feel unsafe. I don’t think God wants that for any of his creatures. I think you have every right to be angry. The emotions come from God. They’re part of what made us ‘made in his image.’ Does that make sense?”

“So I’m not selfish?” Dove said.

“No, I think you’re human.”

“Thanks. I, uh, I guess that’s all I need,” she said. She wanted to need more. To spend more time in his presence. But she had no good excuse.

“Would you like me to drive you back to Teressa’s?”

“Do you think you could drive me to the motel? I think I want to stay there for a bit.”

“If you’re really sure that’s what you want,” he responded. He went to the door and opened it. “Jessica, we need to drive Dove to the motel. She shouldn’t walk there alone.”

“You got it,” Jessica answered. She stood and put her folder down, closing it and throwing it on the desk. Her desk was a mess of files compared to Nate’s neat piles. They went and got in the car, and Dove climbed in the back of the cruiser. This was starting to seem like a common occurrence now. “You and Teressa have a falling out?” Jessica asked.

“Yeah, you could say that.”

“Sometimes living with your friends can cause that.”

Dove’s phone rang, and she looked down. “Teressa,” she said.

“Maybe you should answer,” Nate said. “I understand you’re angry at her, but don’t you want her to know you’re safe?”

“You’re right,” Dove said, and hit the answer key. “Hey, Teressa. Yes, yes, I’m fine. I’m just going to stay at the motel for a bit. Listen, I really don’t want to talk to you right now. Just know I’m fine, and I’ll tell you if I’m ever not.” Dove hung up.

“Wow, a pretty big fight, then,” Jessica said.

“She had good reason,” Nate defended.

“Oh, I bet you told him all about it,” Jessica said, grinning.

“As a matter of fact, I did,” Dove said. She wasn’t going to be taken down by the likes of Jessica, and she wasn’t embarrassed about liking Nate. It would only be a matter of time before everything was taken care of and she could actually date him. She thought the time was really coming.

They pulled up to the sleazy motel and Dove said her goodbyes. Dove supposed every mid-sized town had to have one, where people went to cheat on their spouse or invited in-laws there “wasn’t room for” inside the house. She walked up and bought a room, which the man told her was ready now. She realized she had left all her things at Teressa’s place. She was tempted to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe or drive home and grab things, but ended up deciding to just live in the clothes she had for now. She’d have to find a better solution soon, but it was only day one. Who knew what could happen between that day and the next one? She hoped it involved her stalker getting caught.

She walked into her room and checked it for bed bugs. Wouldn’t that just be her luck? But it seemed fairly clean and sanitary. She decided she’d go down to Larson’s and eat there. She had a while before dinner yet. She wondered if this place had cable, and was relieved to remember that she had her computer with her in her teaching stuff, though she doubted there was Wi-Fi. She had a couple of movies saved.

If there was one thing Dove was sure she didn’t want to do, it was sit around and be sad. She didn’t believe in getting sad. She believed in taking actions to make your life better. She dimly remembered what the therapist had said about emotions being good and human and godly, but it seemed easier to watch a movie then deal with any of that. So she turned on a silly romantic comedy and sat in bed, waiting for the hours to pass until it would be acceptable to get dinner.

When she did go to dinner, she was surprised to see who she found there. Nathaniel O’Bannon. It was pretty common for the officers to come during their breaks, but he was off now, and still not eating at home.

“Did you want me to cook lasagna for you just because you can’t cook anything for yourself?” Dove asked. She couldn’t help grinning. Something about him validating her again lightened her mood.

“Guilty as charged,” he answered, before slurping up a spoonful of soup. “It’s generally a lot of sandwiches for me, except when I come here.”

“Well, maybe sometime I will have to cook for you.” With that, Dove went up and got her food. She grabbed herself some chicken and mashed potatoes from the hot food bar and paid for her meal.

“Why don’t you come sit with me,” Nate suggested. “No reason for us both to eat alone.”

She had been walking towards a small table on the side of the food area, but she ended up changing her mind and walking back to him. “Very well. I have a question, and I want an honest answer.”

“Shoot,” he said.

“Were you actually sorry for not believing me, or did you just feel convicted by the sermon?”

“Can’t it be both?”

“Would you have apologized if not for the sermon? Maybe that’s more what I mean.”

“Maybe not, but that doesn’t mean my apology is untrue. It just means it was prompted. I learned something from the sermon, and I wanted to act on it. Isn’t that the point of sermons?”

“Touché.”

“I know what I’m talking about sometimes,” he said with a grin and another slurp of soup. Somehow, Dove found the small noise it made endearing rather than annoying. It made him seem almost childlike, not just a big, tough police officer that existed to take away bad guys, but a real person. Someone with emotions.

“Do you think you’re going to catch him?” she asked.

“I think we have to. It doesn’t seem like he’s giving up. I don’t want you in any sort of danger.”

“Well, thanks,” she said, with a small smile. She thought he was being sincere. She wasn’t sure there were many people who sincerely wanted to help her. She realized that might not be being gracious, either; there was Dr. Matthews, and maybe Jessica now that she saw the man, and Teressa probably wanted what was best for her as well. It was easier, though, to say no one wanted to help her. That it was just her and Nate against the world. That would mean she didn’t have to forgive people for their mistakes. She could just assume they were horrible because they had done one thing wrong.

“Can I ask you a question now?” he asked.

“Sure,” she answered.

“Why did you and your husband split up?” Nate asked, and Dove was caught completely off-guard. Nothing had prepared her for such a question.

“Honestly?” she asked.

“No, lie to me,” he said with a chuckle.

“He was having an affair, and he and the woman decided they were both going to leave their marriages and marry each other.”

“Then why isn’t he married?”

“The other woman bailed and decided to try to make it work with her husband.”

“Did you expect it?” he asked.

Dove had to think about that one. “I don’t know that I expected it exactly, but it wasn’t surprising either. We had been having problems almost from the very beginning. I wanted to make things work, but he didn’t. We married young, too young if you ask me, and we weren’t ready to face the problems of the world alone, much less together.”

“I had thought being together would make it easier,” Nate said.

“That’s what you would think if you weren’t married. But, see, while having someone constantly supporting you can be nice, marriage doesn’t actually guarantee constant support.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

Dove wondered what to say next. These types of stories always left awkward silences. “So that’s my story. What about you? Why are you single?”

“Honestly?” he asked with a grin.

“No, lie to me.”

“I fell hard for a girl at training. I think it’s the first time … Well, I wouldn’t say I was in love exactly, but the first time I really, really liked someone. I had dated a bit before that, but that was all.”

“Where’s this girl now?”

“She hasn’t contacted me since. Or, barely has. One late-night text with no follow-up. It’s been a while, I know. I’d like to say I’ve 100% moved on, but I’m not sure if that’s the case or not. Right now I’m thinking I need to try someone else, and see what happens.”

Dove told herself to remember that. If there was anything between them, she was just the rebound. She wasn’t offended—heaven knew she considered doing it many times since her divorce—but it wasn’t the same as being wanted.

She finished up her chicken and stood, thankful for being a quick eater. “Well, it was nice seeing you, Nate,” she said. She wanted to make it clear she enjoyed him, but she wasn’t going to flirt anymore. It didn’t seem right.

“Nice seeing you too, Dove,” he said, and he sent her a smile that at one time she might’ve swooned at. But for now, all she could think was “rebound.” She didn’t want to go in thinking such horrible thoughts at the beginning of the relationship.