Dear Friends and Family,
I could say something cliché like, Long time, no see, but from the long gap between my last post and this one…well, that much is already obvious. And, besides, a stupid phrase like that doesn’t really say anything, does it?
It doesn’t explain the why. It’s just an excuse people use to camouflage the truth.
And I’ve done enough of that in my life.
So, here it is.
The truth. All of it.
Or at least, most of it.
My life fell apart a while ago, and I headed back into the world to start over. Too embarrassed to tell anyone of my failure, I kept it a secret. But, in the depths of all these secrets and lies I was telling to the outside world, something amazing happened. I began to find balance again.
And love.
So much love.
I’ve met a man—a beautiful, broken man—who is teaching me how to trust again. How to open my heart once more to the possibility and vastness of love.
The forever kind of love.
It’s funny how, in the midst of tragedy, life can offer up something so pure and magnificent. And yet, I still can’t seem to find the strength to trust myself.
To take that leap into forever.
I watched Dean storm out of the house with a look of determination so fierce, it felt like the air crackled around him as he moved. By the time the door slammed and I heard the roar of his truck engine, the reality of what was happening sank in.
My eyes flickered to the windows as rain beat against them, falling in thick sheets against the glass, while the wind howled, and the trees bent.
Oh God, what have I done?
“Someone, go after him!” I screamed, searching the crowd until my eyes fell on Taylor.
He shook his head, remorse and regret painting his face. “He knew I couldn’t,” he said. “I’ve had too much to drink. I’d be more of a hindrance than help out there right now. But—”
Panic turned to anger as I blinked several times, trying to keep the tears away. Turning away from him, I moved on. “Jake?”
His gaze morphed into something of the same.
“I am not a seaman, Cora,” he said. “Never have been.”
Letting out a frustrated breath, I found myself nearly yelling, “Can anyone help him? Or are all of you just going to sit around and wait for him to die out there?”
“Cora,” Taylor called out.
I could feel myself beginning to lose it as the room began to close in around me, and I knew, once I allowed it to, I’d never pull myself back together. So, I ran. I ran for the door. I ran out into the storm, water beating down on me, soaking my skin in seconds.
The world was crying.
“Cora!” Taylor yelled from the doorway.
“What do you want?” I screamed, my head lifted to the heavens as the world wept for me.
“You never let me finish. Drive me to the docks,” he said. “I’ll do what I can from land. But I’ll need some help. I’m not exactly operating at my peak here.”
Nodding, I met his gaze, one that matched Dean’s in so many ways. “I’ll go get my purse.”
Twenty minutes and a change of clothes later, Taylor, Lizzie, and I had made our way to the docks.
My little girl was scared, so scared that she was huddled up to my side like she had no plans of ever leaving.
It made me secretly wish we could trade roles from time to time, and I could be the outwardly scared one who curled up to her while she stroked my hair and told me everything would be okay.
Because, as I’d dodged tree branches and driven at a turtle’s pace just to be able to see through my windshield to get here, I knew it was definitely not. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like in the water with the waves tossing and turning you in every which way, making you lose your sense of direction.
Not to mention, the inebriated state Blake was in.
The idiot.
I’d conveniently left that part of the story out when relaying the information to Lizzie. Making excuses for him, just like old times.
When would I ever learn?
Maybe Dean was right. Maybe Blake didn’t deserve a place in our lives.
Sitting in the office of Sutherland Fishing Company, I watched Taylor get set up, switching on the radio. He tried to get a signal from Dean or Blake. There were a few other things he turned on, but from my layman’s point of view, nothing really made sense.
“Okay, I’m going to radio the Coast Guard and let them know we’ve got a couple of missing boats in the inlet, so they can start looking as well—might take a few tries. It’s going to be hard for them to get a helicopter out in this weather, but hopefully, Dean will get to him first.”
I nodded, giving Lizzie an extra squeeze while he sent out the distress call to the Coast Guard. My usually talkative and inquisitive girl was anything but as we waited on news of Dean and Blake.
“Is there any way you can track them? Don’t boats have trackers?” I asked, once he was finished on the radio.
“Yes,” he answered. “That’s what I’m trying to do now.” He pointed to a screen. It was pretty much black, except for two green dots. “But nothing is showing up.”
Taylor held the radio up to his mouth, switching several dials before pressing a switch just below his lips. “Endeavor, Endeavor, Endeavor, this is Sutherland Fishing Company. Please state your location. Over.”
We all waited with bated breath for an answer. Several minutes passed, and all we were met with was static.
Never-ending static. I looked towards the window, the rain battering the glass so hard, it shock. Letting out a shaky breath, I tried to remain calm.
“Okay, let me try Blake. You said he’s a decent boatman, correct?”
I nodded.
“Well, let’s see if he can figure out a radio as well as a boat.”
“Wave Runner, Wave Runner, Wave Runner, this is Sutherland Fishing Company. Please state your location.”
Lizzie squeezed my hand as we once again waited, a lump so big forming in my throat, I could barely breathe.
What if I lost both of them in one night?
The man I loved and Lizzie’s father. Gone. Just like that.
Suddenly, the static changed, a hiccup in the frequency, and then suddenly, Dean’s voice filled the small office.
“Sutherland Fishing Company, this is Endeavor. I’ve found him. I can see the lights in the distance.”
The dam broke, and tears fell from my face. Tears of joy, tears of relief.
He was alive.
He was—
“Mayday, Mayday, Mayday!” he yelled, making my heart fall to the floor as I jumped to my feet. “Taylor, the boat is capsized. Jesus, I don’t know for how long. I’ve got to go in. I’ve got to go after him. Tell Cora I love her.”
And then the static returned as Taylor turned to me with wide eyes of terror.
I’d thought my heart broke a long time ago. The moment Blake had betrayed my trust and his fist collided with my face.
But I was wrong.
Turned out, it wasn’t quite done.
That night was the longest of my life.
The waiting.
The constant, never-ending waiting.
I didn’t know how long Taylor, Lizzie, and I were in that office at the marina, listening to that radio for some sort of answer. Every glitch and jump in the otherwise mundane sound of the static would send my heart into overdrive as I prayed that it would be followed by Dean’s voice.
I didn’t know how long we sat there.
It could have been minutes, days…hours.
But, finally, when I’d nearly lost hope, imagining Dean out there, in the angry black water, fighting for his life, thinking about those horrible, angry words I’d said to him, hoping they wouldn’t be my last, we got the call.
The Coast Guard had found them. Both of them.
And they were en route to Virginia Beach.
Taylor and I looked at each other, knowing this nightmare wasn’t over yet.
“Why are they going to Virginia, Mommy?” a sleepy Lizzie asked as we headed out toward the car.
I swallowed deeply, knowing this was one of those moments as a mother when I had to make a decision. Lie to protect her innocence or trust her with the truth, knowing she deserved to know everything just as I did.
“It means, they’re doing everything they can to take care of Dean and Daddy, sweetheart. And, like you know, the hospital Mommy used to work for in Virginia Beach is the best place to do that, isn’t it?”
She nodded, looking more childlike than I’d ever seen her. Sometimes, with so many big words and thoughts coming out of her head, it was hard for me to remember how young she really was.
“You know we can’t drive up there yet,” Taylor said the minute we were seated in the car.
My hands gripped the wheel as rain pounded down all around us. If it were just me, I would have said screw it and done everything in my power to get to him.
Bribed a pilot, stolen a boat…
Whatever it took.
But it wasn’t just me.
And that kind of selfish thinking was what had gotten us into this mess. Blake had been so hell-bent on getting off this island, getting away from us, that he put his own needs before anyone else.
I couldn’t do that.
“I know,” I said, feeling defeated but resolute.
“As soon as the weather clears, Cora,” he vowed, placing a warm hand on my shoulder.
I nodded, knowing he meant it. We pulled out of the marina and headed back to the inn.
I knew sleep wouldn’t come easy to anyone that night.
Not as long as the rain held and the winds whipped around the island, holding us here like prisoners from the one we loved.
“We’re coming, Dean,” I whispered, tears stinging my eyes. “I promise. We’ll be there soon.”
“Cora.”
My eyes opened slightly, blinking several times as the sunlight from the window hit me square in the face. Molly was sitting on the edge of my bed, holding a cup of tea.
What was she doing here? Didn’t she get married—
Suddenly, the events from the night before came roaring back.
The wedding.
A fight.
Blake stealing Taylor’s boat.
It’d capsized.
And Dean.
I shot up, causing Molly’s tea to spill.
“Sorry!” I said. “But how did I—the weather.” I pointed to the window. “I need to go.”
Placing the cup on the dresser, she held her hand out in front of her, like she was trying to calm a wild animal. The wild animal—me—wasn’t having it.
“I need to get dressed, Molly. I need to catch the ferry to Hatteras and—”
“I already pulled out some clothes for you right over here. Lizzie is eating breakfast as we speak, and since I knew you wouldn’t sit down and eat, I packed you something for the road. Or air, I guess.”
“Air?”
“Taylor was going to take you by boat, but the water is still pretty choppy. So, one of the pilots in town was gracious enough to offer you a ride. So, you don’t have to deal with traffic. And the ferry.”
“That is very generous.”
I looked around the room, feeling immensely guilty. “I can’t believe I slept.”
An expression much the same as mine painted her face before she said, “I might have put something in that tea I made you last night. You were death on your feet. I knew you needed some rest before today.”
“And you expect me to drink another cup of it now?”
She laughed. “Oh no, that one is perfectly normal. Promise. But I’ll give you a minute to get ready. Taylor is already at the airport. He left about five minutes ago, so when you are ready, I’ll have Jake drive you over. He’s going to head up there with you. He offered to take Dean’s mother as well, but after everything Dean went through before, she can’t set foot in that hospital again. So, I’ll stay back and wait with her.”
“Thank you, Molly,” I said. “I know this isn’t exactly the wedding you imagined. Or the first day of marriage, for that matter.”
She shrugged. “It’s not the wedding that counts. Besides, it wouldn’t be a small-town wedding without some drama,” she said with a wink. “And, as for my first day of marriage, well, I definitely wouldn’t have wished for Dean to be back in the hospital, but everything else? Jake and Molly Jameson helping friends and family when they need us? That sounds just about perfect.” She paused for a moment, her cheeks staining red. “Jake and Molly Jameson. I think that’s the first time I’ve said it out loud.”
“And how does it sound?”
“Like a dream come true. Now, go bring home Dean,” she said, heading for the door. She stopped short just at the threshold. “And, Cora?”
“Yeah?” I said, grabbing the things she’d pulled out for me.
“Don’t forget that home now includes you.”
With a warm smile, she vanished into the hallway.
It didn’t take me long to get ready, thanks to Molly. I threw on the clothes she’d picked out, ran a comb through my hair, and brushed my teeth, all within the span of ten minutes. We were at the airport in another five and taking off. I’d never seen Ocracoke from the air before. In a different circumstance, I would have taken the time to look for the inn, point out Lizzie’s school to her, and soak in the beauty of the island we’d adopted.
But all I could do was stare down at that vast water and wonder what had happened the night before.
“Jake, do you have any updates?” I asked.
He looked to Lizzie, who was staring out the window, as if he were asking for permission to speak candidly in front of her.
I gave it with a single nod.
“Both of them were in pretty bad shape when the Coast Guard pulled them up into the helicopter. Blake more so since he’d been in the water longer and was, uh…intoxicated to begin with. They were worried about the lack of oxygen.”
“And now?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “It’s only been a few hours, Cora, and being the middle of the night, information was hard to get. Even for me.”
I looked at the clock on my phone. He was right. Even though the sun was bright in the sky, it was still very early in the morning. I’d only been asleep for a handful of hours. Knowing this somehow relieved a bit of the guilt that had been coursing through me since I awoke in my comfy, dry bed, knowing Dean was somewhere suffering.
“Mommy?” Lizzie said, her gaze tearing away from the window as she turned toward me.
“Yeah, sweetheart?”
“I have something to tell you,” she said, her eyes betraying her remorse.
“What?” I asked, suddenly worried. I sat up and grabbed her small hand as she looked away.
“You know how I like to go on the computer late at night after you go to sleep?”
I let out a sigh. “Yes.”
“Well, a while ago, when we first moved to Ocracoke, I made up an email address—SmartieBeachGirl5,” she explained before adding, “I guess I shouldn’t have put the five at the end of it since I’m six now. Can I change that?”
“Lizzie?”
“Right, okay. So, I made an email address, and I emailed Dean. I had taken a business card from his office that day he took me to the marina.”
I glanced over at Taylor and Jake, who were both doing a good job of minding their own business as both men looked out the window with feigned interest.
Curiously tilting my head to the side as my attention went back to my daughter, I asked, “Why did you email Dean?”
The side of her mouth scrunched up as she thought about it. “I told him you needed a friend,” she said. “And that Daddy had made you frown a lot, and I thought you needed someone to make you smile again.”
My heart melted.
“But that wasn’t the whole truth,” she said. “I wanted someone to make me smile again, too.”
“What do you mean?”
That same guilty face washed over her once more.
“It’s okay, sweetheart. You can be honest with me.”
She tried to look away again, but I turned her head back toward mine.
“It’s just that, when you don’t smile, I don’t smile.”
And, just when I’d thought my heart couldn’t melt any more, it liquefied all over the floor.
“Oh, come here,” I managed to say before the tears started to roll. She curled into my lap as I wrapped my arms around her. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a terrible mom lately.”
“But you haven’t,” she said, looking up at me with those giant brown eyes. “You keep saying you’re a horrible mom, but you’re actually the best one ever. It’s called self-doubt.”
I let out a strangled laugh, catching Taylor doing the same. “Oh,” I said. “I didn’t know that.”
“You need to trust yourself more, Mommy. And give yourself more credit. Or at least, that’s what the free self-help guide I downloaded from Amazon says.”
“Did this self-help guide also tell you to email a handsome fisherman on my behalf?”
She giggled. “Dean isn’t handsome. That’s gross. And no, not exactly. But it did say to surround yourself with people who make you happy.”
I stroked her hair, loving my daughter more in that moment than I’d thought was possible. “And you thought that person was Dean?”
“He makes you happy, right?”
“Yeah, sweetheart, he does,” I answered honestly.
Her smile beamed up at me. “Me, too.”
She settled back into me, laying her head on my chest for the remainder of the short flight, while I thought about her words.
“When you don’t smile, I don’t smile.”
That kept replaying in my head.
I’d thought I was making the right choice, choosing Lizzie and therefore Blake over Dean. Lizzie needed her father, and if Dean couldn’t handle that, I had to walk away.
I’d thought it was a simple choice.
“When you don’t smile, I don’t smile.”
But I’d be giving up a lifetime of happiness.
A lifetime of love.
“When you don’t smile, I don’t smile.”
Would I also be sacrificing her happiness as well?
The moment we all stepped foot in the hospital, Jake went to work. Dean had always joked around about his best friend having two distinct sides. So far, I’d mostly only been around the doctor side of Jake Jameson. But, after I’d spent the last few days with him, witnessing him marry the love of his life and seeing him interact with mine, the stark contrast was palpable.
Sitting in the waiting area was a foreign concept for me.
I’d never been on the opposite end before.
I’d never been the anxious friend or the basket-case family member waiting for news. I’d always been the one on the other side, caring for those loved ones so that there would be a next day.
And a day after.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity but was probably a matter of minutes, Jake returned with news.
“Dean’s fine,” he said, causing me to let go of the breath I’d been holding since the night before.
“Are you sure?” I asked, Lizzie squeezing my hand with excitement.
He nodded. “He’s a little banged up and bruised from being thrashed around in the water, and he’s tired from the lack of oxygen. But he’s good.”
“And Blake?” I asked.
“He’s a little more banged up. A little more bruised,” he said.
“But?” I asked, feeling it hanging in the air.
“He’s going to be arrested, Cora. If he’d just stolen the boat in normal weather, Taylor could decide not to press charges for stealing his truck and the boat, and the whole thing could slip under the rug.”
“But he endangered lives.”
“And he did so while drunk. So it’s out of Taylor’s hands. He doesn’t have a choice in the matter unfortunately.”
I lifted my chin. “I can’t keep making excuses for him.”
He gave an understanding nod. “Do you want to see Dean?” he asked.
My heart leaped. “I thought you’d never ask.” Looking down at my little girl, I knew I had one stop first. “Take Lizzie with you. I’ll meet you there in a few.”
My stomach was nothing but butterflies as I took the last few steps down the hallway toward the room Dean was in. I still remembered the first time I’d walked down this same corridor, newly hired, barely out of nursing school, nervous as could be.
By the time Dean had shown up, I’d thought I was an old pro.
But nothing could have prepared me for those soulful green eyes and that mesmerizing smile. I thought it was just his sad story—a poor fisherman who had lost everything to one fateful night at sea. But I was wrong.
His memory had stayed with me through it all. The pain, the suffering, and ultimately, the strength that had risen from it all.
He was always there.
Calling me home.
The door was cracked open, and I could hear the sounds of Taylor and Jake laughing as I stepped inside. They caught my movement and quieted down as I entered. Turning the corner, I saw him.
My beautiful, broken man.
Curled up against him was Lizzie. Like a barnacle on his side.
“Well, I could use some coffee. You, too, Jake?” Taylor said rather loudly.
“Oh, yes,” he replied. “Coffee sounds nice. How about you, munchkin? Hot cocoa from the coffee shop?”
Lizzie’s eyes widened, and she hopped down off the bed. “See you later, Dean! Be right back, Mommy!”
“Okay, honey. And, Jake?”
“Yeah?” he said, stopping next to me before he left.
“Do you think you can take Lizzie to see her daddy? He’s awake.”
He looked at me before nodding, and the noise of the three of them dissipated down the hallway. Silence fell around us as I made my way up to the bed, taking a seat in the chair that’d been placed next to him.
Dean’s eyes had followed me the whole way there. Finally, he opened his mouth to speak, but I beat him to it.
“The other night, Lizzie was telling me about arch bridges. No doubt, she’d been up late at night, learning about them, when she should have been sleeping. Anyway, she was amazed by them; she couldn’t stop rattling off facts about these stupid bridges. And I let her because you know how she gets if she doesn’t get a chance to tell someone this knowledge she’s learned; it’s like she overheats, and then we risk her exploding in the middle of art class or something.”
He smiled a ridiculous, handsome smile that did funny things to my already fluttery stomach.
“Turns out, these unbelievable arch bridges date back as far as 1300 BC, and people still use them. So, I asked her how they worked. She explained that they would actually build the bridge or arch from each side, and it would only be strong or fortified when it was connected. When the two sides connected and became one. Do you see where I’m going here?”
His brow lifted. “Not really. But I am kind of out of it. Keep going, Maybe I’ll catch on.”
“That was an incredibly stupid thing you did last night,” I said.
“Incredibly brave, you mean?”
“You could have been killed, Dean. You could have been snuffed out of existence just like that, and you didn’t even ask me how I felt about it. You didn’t even turn to me before you ran out the door. I mean, did it even occur to you before you leaped into that boat to, I don’t know, consult me? I thought we were a team. Or at least, headed that way. Hence, the crazy bridge talk.”
“Is that where you were going with that?” He grinned.
“Yeah, because after the arch is formed, it can bear all sorts of stress and stuff. Two sides becoming one. Like a team.”
He looked down at me, that same grin plastered on his face.
“Oh, shut up!” I threw my hands up, and he managed to grab on, holding it close to his chest. “It made sense in my head.”
“You’d just dumped me, Cora,” he reminded me. “I figured, consultations between us were kind of on hold. At least until I could prove to you that I was willing to make an effort when it came to Lizzie’s father. I had to fight for us by first fighting for him.”
“But, by doing so, you nearly killed yourself in the process.”
“I’m still here,” he said. “Still here. Still dumped.”
I bit my lip. “Right. That. Can we forget that part? Maybe strike it from the record?”
“I’d like nothing more,” he said. “But, first, I need to say something. Or rather, a few things. I was wrong to judge you in this situation with Blake.”
I opened my mouth to stop him, but he continued, “I know it’s been a rough situation for you, and I’ve only made it harder during the last week. I realized that last night when you said I was forcing you to choose between me and Lizzie. I never want to make you feel like you have to choose like that again because, of course, it should be Lizzie. Every time. I wouldn’t expect anything less.
“Since you came back into my life, I spent so much time being angry over what Blake had done to you; it was hard for me to see him as anything other than what I’d made him out to be in my head. He might not deserve my respect, but I haven’t earned the right to cast him out of Lizzie’s life.”
“You might not, but I have,” I said, causing his eyes to widen with surprise.
“What?”
“I’m going to file for full custody of Lizzie,” I said. “And Blake is going to, as you said, have to earn his place in Lizzie’s life. His return in our lives this week reminded me of a woman I didn’t like very much. One who made excuses for a man who didn’t deserve them. And one who allowed others to fight her battles for her.”
“But what about Lizzie?”
I squeezed his hand in mine. “I still believe Lizzie needs her father. But not like this. Not one who rolls in like a giant thundercloud, bringing nothing but destruction in his wake.”
“He made a mistake.”
I smiled. “He’s made a lot of mistakes,” I said. “And it turns out, he made even more while I wasn’t around. The reason he could be here all week? He didn’t shuffle his work schedule around. He doesn’t have one. He was fired from his own family’s law firm. His father told him to go dry out somewhere and come back when he wasn’t an embarrassment to them anymore.”
“Ouch. So, what is he going to do?”
“Well, for starters, he’s going to give me full custody—you know, after he gets out of jail. And then he’s going to enroll himself in rehab. I don’t even care if it’s one of those ultra-rich ones on the West Coast where they do yoga all day and drink fancy cucumber water. Whatever gets him sober. Some anger management wouldn’t hurt either. And then we’ll see.”
“And us?” he asked hesitantly.
I smiled, rising from my chair to curl up next to him on the bed, much like Lizzie had done just moments earlier. “Well, I was thinking we could work on getting you out of this hospital. Again.”
“And then?”
“And then I was hoping you might take me on a romantic tour of the island.”
He kissed my head and ran his hand through my hair. “I thought I already did that.”
I looked up at him, smiling. “Yes, but I’ve heard the view from the water is to die for, Captain Sutherland.”
A soft chuckle fell from his lips as he pulled me closer. “I think that could be arranged. And then what?” he asked.
“And then…everything.”
“Everything?”
I nodded. “Everything. I want it all. With you.”