Josie

The next two days were painful. After leaving the hospital a wreck, we went back to my parents’ house with Zara, Talon, Mattie, Julian, Simone and my men. The day was a blur. We all sat at the table drinking coffee, all silent in our own thoughts. Simone was in a spare room, in the house, getting some sleep. I think she also left so it was just the family. I looked over to Julian to see him rubbing Zara’s belly.

I’d missed out on so much in the last two years.

I’d missed my brother proposing to his partner and then the announcement of Zara and Talon willing to give the precious gift of life to Mattie and Julian.

Two years had been too long.

What hurt the most, out of everything, I’d missed the chance to spend more time with my dad.

If I would have known...no, even then, with notice, I couldn’t have prepared myself for his loss.

Regret. So much regret for not coming home.

Of being selfish.

“Josie?” Mum said.

I looked up to her and whispered, “I’m sorry. I...I should have been here. I should have visited and now...” My eyes teared. Caden placed his arm around my shoulders and Eli grabbed my hand. “Now, I’ll never get to spend time with him again.”

“Sweetie,” Mum started. She reached over the table with her own tears showing and held her hand out for my free one. I took it and she said, “Don’t be sorry. We knew you had to find yourself. We both cherish the time we had with you under our roof, but Josie girl, you needed your time away. If we hadn’t known it, we wouldn’t have let you leave. Even though you had some trouble...I’m still glad you went because you wouldn’t have opened your heart for the two men beside you. And they wouldn’t have pulled their thumbs out of their arses about you either.” Laugher sounded. Mum shook my hand. “It all worked out.” She smiled. “Richard...” She closed her eyes and bit down on her bottom lip. Upon opening them, she said, “H-he would have already told you, but he’s so very proud of you, Josie. Just like I am.”

She stood from the table and went to the sink to place her mug in, but she stood there staring out the back window above the counter. “Talon, you had better go rescue Deanna from your tribe. We need the babies here to tell them, to let them know...”

“Mum,” Zara uttered. “They’ll be fine there for a while. Clary and Blue are there helping her and Griz. You need to get some sleep.”

Mattie got up from his seat and walked over to Mum. He placed his arm around her shoulders. Only she shrugged him off and turned to the room at large. “No, life must go on. I need my grandbabies. They need to know...they have to learn...he’s gone.” Her face crumbled, her body sagging. Mattie supported her. Though, seeing him struggle, Eli went around the table to take her other side. With her eyes to the floor, she whispered, “It feels like a part of me has died with him.” She leaned into her son more. “H-how am I supposed to go on without him?”

Mattie closed his eyes. Tears fell to his cheeks and he shook his head. “I don’t know, Mum. What I do know is that Dad would want us to.”

Mum nodded. “He would. But right now I don’t want to,” she cried. “I can’t do this. I can’t go on without him. He was my everything.” Her hands went to her face and she sobbed into them.

It broke my heart even more.

Talon stood abruptly. He went to Mum and picked her up in his arms. “Kitten,” he growled. “Josie, Matthew,” he added and then he strode out of the room and down the hall with us following. He deposited Mum in her room on her bed, turned and went to his wife. He cupped her cheeks, wiping away her tears. “Be with her, cry with her, talk to her. About good times and bad. You all need sleep. Eventually that will come. You take care of her and then, after, I’ll take care of you. Just like their men will for them.” He gestured to Mattie and me. With that, he kissed her soundly on the lips and left the room, closing the door behind him.

So that was what we did. I cuddled into Mum’s back. Zara was at her front and Mattie lay just behind Zara with his arm over her waist, holding Mum’s hand. We talked and listened to one another. We cried...a lot, and then, eventually we did sleep.

The next day Talon brought my nieces and nephews home. Simone was out food shopping with Julian. They didn’t want to overwhelm the kids with too many people in the house. The toddlers, Drake and Ruby, wouldn’t really understand the situation. But Maya who was now nine and Cody at fifteen knew something was wrong as soon as they walked in. The little ones ran straight for their mum and grandma, who were sitting on the couch with Mattie. Maya, and then Cody, both stopped still at the front door. It took Talon’s hand on each of their backs to force them forward so he could close the door.

Maya studied her mum and then grandma. Cody studied everyone and then asked, “Where’s Grandpa?”

Zara’s bottom lip trembled. Cody took that in, his head bowed, his eyes to his feet and he uttered, “Shit.”

Maya, watching her mother’s lips tremble asked, “Mum, where’s Grandpa?” Zara, unable to voice her thoughts because her emotions were taking over, said nothing. “Mum,” Maya yelled. “Grandpa?” she called.

I stepped away from Eli and Caden and got to my knees. Taking after her mum, Maya was not tall in size. On my knees, we came face to face. “Aunty Jose,” she whispered, fright plain to see in her eyes. Oh, God, she knew, she knew what was happening but she didn’t want it to be real.

My hand cupped her cheek and I told her, “He’s gone, Maya. G-grandpa passed away from a heart attack.”

She shook her head back and forth saying, “No, no, no, no,” over and over again.

“Grandpa back?” Drake asked from on Zara’s knee.

She looked down to her three-year-old son and shook her head. “No, baby, Grandpa won’t be back.”

“Mum,” Maya cried. “Mum,” she sobbed and next she was in her dad’s arms, her face buried in his stomach and she held on for dear life as she wailed. I stood and went back to my men. I rested my head against Caden’s chest and held Eli’s hand.

“Cody, here boy,” Talon ordered.

Looking over to Cody, he stood off to the side, his head still down and he shook his head.

“Cody,” Talon’s tone was soft.

Cody looked up and glared at his dad. “Why him? Why someone who is so good? Why not some fuckin’ arse who does bad shit?” He turned and punched the wall, his fist going through the plaster. He was his father’s son.

“Cody,” Talon growled.

“Leave him, Talon,” Mum said. She placed Ruby, who was taking it all in, in Mattie’s arms and got up. She walked to Cody. Her hand went to his back while he leaned his forehead against the wall.

“Cody,” she whispered.

“No,” he uttered.

“It’s okay,” she choked.

“It’s not, Grandma. It’s not gonna be okay. It’s not fair.”

“You’re right, my child, it’s not and we can get pissed all we want about it. We can scream, yell and swear because none of it is fair. Your grandpa should not be gone from this world, but he is and what’s not fair about that is there’s nothing we can do about it.” She sighed. “But, Cody, what you need to learn is, you’ve got to let the pain out. You can’t bottle it up and take it out on everyone or items in my household. You’ve got to let it go, Cody.”

He spun to face her, his face red. “No, I can’t. If I do, it will be real,” he yelled, tears in his eyes. “It can’t be real. It can’t be.”

“Oh, baby,” Mum uttered, a sob caught in her throat. “But it is real.”

“Fuck,” he yelled. “Goddammit,” he screamed and then...oh, God, then he fell forward onto Mum’s shoulder and cried.

That was when I let myself go once again. It was too hard seeing the pain through such a young person’s eyes.

––––––––

The day of our dad’s funeral was the hardest. The night before I’d gone to bed with my men and they’d hugged me all night long. I had been worried about having them both in my bedroom, especially with the children around, but Mum told me not to worry about it. They needed to see the love around the house. They needed to see the support we all gave each other and she was right.

Dressed in a knee-length black dress, I walked from the bedroom to the kitchen where Talon, Blue, Clary, Mum, Zara and the kids were, all dressed in their best clothes. Even Talon and Blue had on suits, something I thought I would never see, except for the day they got married. Which was coming up for Blue and Clary.

Blue and Clary hugged me tightly. Clary pulled back and gave me a sad smile as the front door opened and in walked my men.

Goodness. My hand went to my chest. They had always looked amazing, no matter what they wore, but that day they were also in suits and they looked incredible.

“Everything organised at the compound?” Mum asked. We had decided to have Dad’s wake at the compound. It was the biggest and best place for it. Dad did love going there.

“Yeah, Nance. Simone’s there with some brothers organising the whole thing.”

Simone. She had been wonderful. When my men weren’t with me, she was.

“Good.” Mum smiled. As she walked past me to the front door, she stopped, took my hand and gave it a squeeze. “You have the perfect people surrounding you, Josie. I’m so glad.”

“I am too.” I nodded, kissed her cheek and followed her out the front door to the car.

When we pulled up to the funeral home, I wasn’t sure we would find a park, the area was surrounded with Harleys and other vehicles. We drove past many familiar faces, Vi, Travis, Warden, Griz and Deanna with their baby boy, Nickolas. Nary was there with Stoke, Malinda and Josh. Also Mrs Cliff showed, alongside her was Dallas, Dive, Killer, Ivy, Dodge and many more biker brothers.

Talon parked his car first in the three reserved spots left. He had Zara and the children in it. Next was Blue’s, in it with him was Clary, Mattie and Julian. Our car was last to park, Caden had been driving with Eli in the front next to him and I was in the back, holding Mum’s hand.

We got out of the car. Maya came over and took Mum’s other hand. Mum smiled down at her grandchild, lifting their joined hands and kissing it.

Making our way in, we received a lot of sorrow-filled messages as we passed by many people. Mum sat up in the front on the end. I sat behind her in the middle of my men, while the rest of our family surrounded Mum. Where everyone else sat I didn’t take notice because Talon suddenly appeared on the podium standing at the mic and next to Dad’s coffin. The lid was closed, which I was grateful for.

The day before, it had been our own family viewing. I hated it was called that. We went to the funeral home to see Dad laying to rest in his coffin, to say our final goodbye. If Caden and Eli hadn’t been with me when it was my turn in the room with him, I would have lost it.

It hadn’t been my dad in that coffin.

There was nothing left of him inside his body and feeling that, feeling the loss all over again, was like a hand sunk into my chest and squeezed my heart, shredding it into tiny pieces.

Eli carried me out of the room. My men then took me straight home where I curled into a ball and cried myself to sleep.

Talon cleared his throat in the mic and the room quieted.

“The usual ritual would be to have the reverend up here talkin’ about Richard. Only Rich didn’t want some stranger up here rambling on about some shit, about him and his life.” Talon turned his head to the reverend. “Sorry,” he muttered, bowing his head. The reverend smiled and nodded. “Richard had come to me a long time ago and said if anything happened to him, he wanted me up here talkin’ about him.” Talon smiled. “He also knew Nancy would hate it ‘cause of my slang. He wanted one last word in.” Mum snorted and shook her head as Talon smiled down at her.

“Richard Alexander was a good man. He was the best of the best and an honorary brother to the Hawks club.” Talon waited while the shouts, cheers and clapping from his biker brothers stopped. “He took care of his own with everythin’ he had. He loved his children with his whole heart. He’d be sad that he’s gone and won’t get to meet the rest of his grandkids, because his grandkids meant the world to him, like his own kids did. Richard will be missed by many people, but more by his family. The world won’t be the same without him.” He cleared his throat. “While we take a look at his past, let’s listen to one song that Rich enjoyed.” He nodded to someone, and the screen to the left of Talon started showing pictures of Dad. The speakers played “Bad to the Bone” by George Thorogood. People smiled, some laughed, but most cried.

Once the song ended, Mum kissed Maya on her head and stood, making her way up next to Talon. My eyes stayed on Maya, who also stood and moved in between Julian and Mattie. There she cuddled in. Zara smiled sadly at her and nodded, then placed her arm around Cody, whose whole body was shaking. Surprisingly, the twins were being good. Though, I guessed, in their own way, they knew the day wasn’t a good one.

Mum stood on the podium, wiped her tears and stepped up to the mic. “My husband, my pain in the backside, my...as Richard would have said, my better half has left this world. He’s left many wonderful memories.” She paused as her bottom lip wobbled and fresh tears showed in her eyes. I squeezed tightly on to my men’s hands. “Richard would want his children and our grandbabies to know...he would want you all to know that he’s not far from you. Even now I’m sure he’s looking down and telling me to stop my blubbering.” She smiled fondly. “However, he knew I was never capable of it. He didn’t care that I blubbered on about things. He just liked to tease, but all the teasing was out of love.” She took a deep breath and looked to the roof. “Richard Alexander, you wait for me. I will always love you. No man could compare to you. Ever.” After a shuddering breath, she finished with, “I love you, my one true love.”

I watched as Talon nodded to someone again and the speakers filled with Pink’s “True Love”. A giggle left my mouth and then it turned into a sob. I reached my hand out to my sister’s shoulder. Her hand came up to touch mine briefly as I watched her own shoulders shake with grief.

Over the screen, more pictures showed of Dad, only that time they were of him with his family, with his grandkids and children. Each one was like a knife to the heart because they showed how much of a great man he was and how much he would be missed.

How much it hurt that he was gone.

My knees came up to the seat and I curled my body into them. My chin resting on my knees as I cried and watched the pictures flashing across the screen. Coldness was overtaking my body. I couldn’t stop shaking. My men, my sweet men, knew what I was feeling and tried, with their arms at my back, rubbing some warmth into me. Only I knew it wouldn’t work.

Nothing would work.

My body was feeling the loss of my dad.

My brain was screaming at how unfair it all was.

And my heart ached like a piece of it had been torn away.

When Mum sat back down, I slowly reached out to her as she brought Cody into her side while he cried. Running a hand over her back, she looked to me and smiled sadly. I had to remember I wasn’t the only one feeling the way I was. I wasn’t the only one feeling his loss.

Caden and Eli moved. They stood. Eli was already in the aisle and Caden was stepping around me before I started to panic. No, I needed my men.

Caden leaned in, took my hand and whispered, “We’ll be with you soon.” He gestured with his head to Dad’s coffin where Talon, Blue, Griz, Killer and Stoke were already standing.

It was time for Dad to go.

He wished to be cremated.

Looking up to Caden, I nodded. He kissed my cheek and turned. As soon as he stepped out of the way, I felt someone take my hand, Mattie, and then someone was at my side. Nary. Before I left Ballarat, Nary and I had become fast friends. Having her beside me helped, but nothing could have prepared me for the next song or watching the men carry our dad out of the funeral home.

The speakers filled with Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men singing “One Sweet Day”.

I crumbled into my friend’s arms while holding my brother’s hand as we followed Dad’s casket out to the waiting car.