16
There was a river. That much I knew. I did not know if I was dreaming or if I was dead or if any of this was even real or just my shutting-down soul imagining what death might look like, but I did know one thing for sure – a river ran through me, submerging me, until I was trapped in my own mind between life and whatever lay beyond life. The trees on either side were big and deciduous and reminded me of North Carolina where I’d gone every summer as a girl, young and broken but brave. I bobbed in and out, fluttering on the edge of two worlds. Underneath, everything was grey and muted and comfortable. Safe. I knew nobody could ever hurt me here. Every time I fell under the surface again I would feel my breathing slow and hear the voices in my head subside and I knew I would be protected there.
But then the current would force me up into the sun again, out into the air, and I’d see or imagine all the things I wasn’t so sure about in the world: my mother, with ancient fear in her eyes. Hordes of doctors staring down at me, murmuring to one another about my prospects. And finally Cooper, the stormy-eyed boy of my dreams and nightmares. I could sense it down to my invisible bones: he was deliberating.
And I was the deliberated.
The wheels in my brain, wherever or whatever it was, started to turn, and soon I knew I had to choose. I could feel the currents pulling me back below, trying to sweep me off to somewhere only the angels knew, but soon I decided I didn’t want to go just yet. I wasn’t done here: I wanted to comfort the terror out of my mother’s soul. I wanted to stand tall and prove to the doctors that I was worthy of undergoing the surgery. But most of all, I wanted one last chance with Cooper; one last breath on the surface of the river that was my summer with him. And so I made my decision.
I wished my way up to the surface and woke up in a sweaty hospital gown on the fifth of July.
~
The endless machines surrounding me buzzed and beeped as Dr. Steinberg walked into the room early that afternoon. Upon his arrival I’d been sort of exhaustedly humming a favorite Saviour song, Stars and Stripes, while thinking of the strange, watery dream I’d been having upon waking up that morning.
I could love you
That’s what I thought when I first saw you
But now that I’m drowning in you
I’m wonderin’ why you didn’t banish all my blues
You are my only god now
My Stars and Stripes, the thunder in my chest, pow pow
The star of my show, boy, take that bow
But now that I’ve fallen into you, why’s it feel like we’re doomed somehow?
What goes up comes back down
Camelot, Jackie O, burn that crown
But I am standing here asking you to break the tradition
Don’t let me down, boy, success is my only condition
I stopped humming and looked at him.
“Hello there, Summer,” he said quietly.
“Hi.”
“So. I think you know why you’re here.”
“I actually have no idea. Nobody has said anything yet, so I thought I was just here for fun.”
“Yes,” he nodded with a sad smile, “unfortunately this hospital is known for its exceptionally uninformative nurses.”
“Ignorance, bliss, etcetera.” I closed my eyes for a second and took a breath. “Okay, Steinberg, I know I’ve been neglecting my health and this is probably bad and whatever, so just lay it all out there, please. Get it over with so I can go home.”
He cleared his throat, but the sound was empty and forced. “Home is no longer in the cards, Summer.”
I stared at him. “Wait – what? Why not?”
He sighed. “Summer, you are here because your toxicity levels were through the roof two nights ago, and your body shut itself down to prevent any further damage. You were almost in a coma-like state when you arrived here. You were already in bad shape because of malnutrition, but then the stress of the other night, with those problems with your boyfriend that Shelly mentioned-”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I said, the word boyfriend suddenly seeming so stupid and trite and useless after all this. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Well, okay then. Whoever he is. All the stress brought on by your friend made your body go haywire when it was already damaged, and it shut down as a preemptive measure. But you will not be so lucky next time.” He stepped forward a bit. “You know, it troubles me that you didn’t come see me earlier. You skipped two checkups last month to get weighed and get your blood tested, and even Shelly said you’ve seemed a little out of sorts lately, until you came home the other night white as a ghost and collapsed. What’s going on with you? This isn’t the Summer I know.”
I looked away. “I mean, yeah, I didn’t exactly feel great over the past month or two, but I’m used to not feeling great, ya know what I mean? I was just dealing with a lot, and I figured it was nothing, and I…I didn’t want to cause a fuss, to be honest. I should’ve said something when I noticed my weakness and the fact that I haven’t really been able to keep liquids down at all, but I didn’t want to make waves. My neck was sore, too, but it’s always sore. I’ll be totally forthright or whatever from now on, though, I promise.”
“I’m afraid you won’t have that luxury, Summer. You’re here until the surgery.”
“But no!” I said, sitting up straighter. “You promised I could have one last summer or whatever, and I met someone, and-”
“I’m sorry,” he interrupted. “There are no questions. I know I said I’d allow you some time to enjoy yourself, but we no longer have that time. One of the stipulations of performing this Hail Mary operation on you in the first place was that you stay healthy enough to actually survive it. If you leave and something goes wrong and you are not within reach of care, you will die.”
He looked out the window, his eyes wistful. “Sum, spending a summer on the beach is great and all, but you should’ve been paying attention to your body. And hell, I had a summer of love myself. It was probably the best thing that ever happened to me, actually. There’s nothing wrong with being young and in love – just remember to check your damn vitals sometimes.”
“Yeah, I love Ann,” I said, who was his wife.
“I’m not talking about Ann.”
“What?”
“Her name was Rachel,” he said as something in his eyes collapsed. “She was visiting her grandparents for the season down in Palm Valley. We met at some old bar that’s probably long gone now, and that was it. Falling in love with her was like being hit by a wave just after you’ve come up for air and your eyes are still closed. You’re minding your own business when a little splash hits your nose and you duck for cover, but you don’t move quickly enough – or maybe you don’t want to move quickly enough – and suddenly you’re being knocked off your feet by the weight of the world. She swamped me. I am so grateful I kept my eyes closed and let her hit me, though. I loved every second I spent drowning in that girl, let me tell you.”
“…So what happened after the crash?” I asked after a long, quiet moment.
“She went back to Virginia and never talked to me again.”
“Oh.”
He blinked three times, his smile wistful. “But it’s alright. I still have the memories. And other things. Don’t tell anyone I said this, but a summer like that can stay with you forever, kiddo. Even if it’s short.” He winked after that, and I didn’t understand why.
“Yeah,” I said. “I’m certainly hoping so.”
But I knew the truth. My summer of sepia-toned love was over. I couldn’t broadcast the fake version of me to the world anymore. This was my reality: the jig was up, and my time of fooling Cooper into thinking I was someone worth loving was over.
Ugh. It was so unfair. All of it was. I’d been happy with Cooper, finally and truly happy. And not to mention confident. At last I could walk into a room without shrinking into a corner and sliding my bangs over my face; at last I was starting to like myself, all of myself, even the plastic parts I had to pump milk into. And now that I’d finally gotten to happy, life was just going to toss in a wrench like this and take it all away, and end it even sooner than it was going to end before? It didn’t make any sense. Nothing did. I was so angry. I wanted to be stoic and strong and graceful and all those other things that sick people were supposed to be, but the truth was that I was pissed.
Fuck. This was so unfair. Life was so unfair.
Steinberg went over some plans with me next, and when he finished, something caught my eye. I frowned.
“That’s all good, but can I ask you something personal?”
His face became more thoughtful. “Anything.”
“Okay. Well, you’re a smart, logical, professional, levelheaded person. Why do you wear that cross necklace?”
He smiled down at his cross, fingering it delicately as it glinted in the sunlight. “Ahh, so that’s where your thoughts have been all this time,” he laughed. “You think I’m too smart to believe in all this malarkey, right? You think there is too much misery and sickness and unfairness and Esophageal Intresia in this world for a God to possibly exist, and you think that if he does exist, he’s a mean old bully focusing bad fortune on you like a snot-nosed kid focusing sunlight on an ant pile with a magnifying glass, correct? You think I’m a right old idiot for wearing this and believing in this Mean, Bullying, Ant-Burning God of mine, don’t you?”
I gulped. “Well, I mean, in no uncertain terms, pretty much.”
His eyes sparkled with something between love and wonder and frustration. “Summer, child, there is still so much you don’t know about the place you live in. This world is anything but fair, and God knows you’ve dealt with things nobody should ever have to deal with. You’re sad and angry and overwhelmed and you have every right to be. But the universe has a way of settling the score and making people like you get the goodness they are owed. I promise. I know you don’t want to hear it now, but one day when you least expect it, the clouds will open up and what’s fair will fall into your lap. Eventually you will get the heaven you deserve – never stop fighting until then.”
“And what if I die before that day comes?” I asked, still trying to process everything.
“Then your life will still mean something. Someone out there will make sure of it. I promise.”
Something else came into his eyes, something playful. “And I know what you’re thinking: I wasn’t born with any health issues, besides this damned arthritis, at least. How would I know, right?”
I nodded.
“Well, you know my daughter Margo, right?”
“Yeah, she’s pretty cool. I saw you guys eating at TacoLu once and you came up and introduced her, remember?”
“I’m afraid I’m too old to remember that, but yes, that was probably my daughter. Anyway, Ann is not her mother.”
I felt like I’d fallen a few inches even though I hadn’t moved an atom. “But…but what? You mean…”
“Yes. My first love, Rachel, left Florida with more than just my heart in her hands. She was pregnant. That’s why she was spirited away from me – her family was Catholic, and, well…you know how that goes. But four years after she gave birth to Margo, she was hit by a drunk driver on the way to work, and social workers found my name in some old documents. I got every summer with her after that. She was the best gift I never asked for, and every time hug her, I can feel Rachel, and the sea, and that one eternal summer we spent down in Palm Valley, a summer that begat so many more eternal summers.” He smiled. “Miracles are everywhere, Summer. All you have to do is stay positive enough to notice them.”
Steinberg called in Shelly and Chase after that. Shelly was everything I expected and more: weepy, apologetic, more dramatic than a soap opera, etcetera. She was sure the hospitalization was her fault because she’d failed to see the signs, and yadda yadda yadda. It was nobody’s fault and she knew it. Then she called my father and put the phone to my ear, and I spent ten minutes listening to him halfheartedly apologize about how he hadn’t been able to make it up yet, but he would be here as soon as his wife recovered from the flu and was able to watch the kids by herself, and so on. I told him that I was fine, and to take his time. I felt absolutely full of guilt that I hadn’t told him the extent of things before, but I just didn’t want to disrupt his world any more than my stupid existence already had.
None of this was to mention how torn to pieces I was about Cooper. But that grief could wait.
“I am so sorry,” Shelly said after my dad hung up. She fell to my side again, and thankfully the nurses took Chase to a playroom to avoid the Shelly Show. I let her lay beside me and hold me, and as she cried into my gown, an orderly came in and waved around a paper with something written on it that I wished I hadn’t seen. It was our bill for the portion of my stay that my family’s insurance wouldn’t be paying, and it was for sixteen thousand dollars. My mother had been broke my entire life because of hospital stays and Instamilk, and she’d been fired from nearly all of her jobs for skipping work to stay with me whenever I was in the hospital or couldn’t get of bed. I couldn’t do this to her anymore, but I didn’t know how to fix it. Even as she touched me, I wanted to pull away. I could feel that there was some sort of disaster intrinsically tied to every single one of our interactions, and through her loving me, I was leading her down a path of certain doom. I was already feeling the instinct to push her away and protect her from myself – I already had been doing it for years, to be honest. And not just with her, but with everyone. I was a time bomb and I knew it.
Finally Dr. Steinberg came in one more time, his eyes twinkling, as they did. “Ms. Johnson, could I interest you in sharing a mug of coffee outside so we can go over the latest news?”
I flashed him a small but grateful smile. He knew I was tired and was trying to get her out of here to let me rest and think.
“Oh, yeah, o’course, yeah, she needs to sleep,” Shelly said before giving me one more kiss on the forehead, smelling just as she had since I was a girl: like Estee Lauder perfume and oily Revlon lipstick. She was a mess, that was for sure, but I loved her for it. “Bye, babe.”
“Bye, Shelly. Oh, and Dr. Steinberg?” I asked. He turned back around. “I feel really bad that you’ve been on call for so long just because of me, especially around a holiday, so why don’t you just go home when you’re done talking to my mom? I’m sure your family misses you and everything.”
He just smiled down at me. “Typical.”
“What’s typical?”
“You just got life-changing news, and you’re worried about me.”
~
So when were you going to let me in? Cooper texted me after everyone left.
Ohhh, sorry, I’m not home yet, I responded, cringing at our night of disaster in the garage. I won’t be for a while. There’s, um, a key under the potted rosebush if you need something?
His response came quickly:
I’m not at your house.
I looked up at this nurse, Cassie, who was cleaning my feeding tube while rambling away, asking me question after question.
“…And by the way, Summer, when was your last general checkup? We’ll need documentation of that, since they’re bumping up the surgery and all.”
I paused, and suddenly I got really nervous. Wasn’t that one of those things you were just supposed to just know, as an adult? Why was what I did and didn’t know about myself suddenly so terrifying?
“I’ll find out for you,” I said. “But hey, have I had any visitors?”
“You mean besides that boy?”
“I already saw my brother, remember? Earlier?”
“Not your brother,” she said as she walked over to the dry erase board. “The other boy.”
“What boy? What?”
“The boy who’s been waiting for you nonstop in the second floor waiting room.” She sort of tittered and glanced over at me as she said it, like all the nurses had been talking about it and had been waiting for the gossip. (Over the years I’d learned that patient gossip, romance novels, and Sun Chips were the primary time-passing methods of the nursing community.) “There’s also been some other girl, Annie, I think?”
“Autumn?” I guessed, waiting to feel outrage at her name, but honestly I felt nothing – Cooper deserved to know. Autumn was just being Autumn, and I wasn’t even really surprised. I was more annoyed with Shelly for blabbing to half the town.
“Yeah, her, she’s come and gone, bringing your mom Burger King and whatever, but that boy won’t leave.”
Suddenly my face felt all warm and weird and tickly. Oh, Cooper. It didn’t even occur to me that Cooper – I mean, I assumed it was Cooper – would even care about me after his discovery, much less come visit me, much less stay here. This wasn’t his battle to fight, and that was fine.
Only now was I starting to think that maybe, just maybe, he wanted to fight it with me.
“I...I didn’t know anyone was waiting,” I said as Cassie fussed around with my charts, a quiet joy settling into my bones.
“Well this boy’s hot, so I wouldn’t suggest making him wait long,” she said, and I raised an eyebrow. “What? He is.”
I scoffed at her, held my breath, and looked down at my phone. What the hell could I possibly say to him after all this?
I started to text a response, but my phone told me he was typing, and so I erased what I’d written and waited until I received the following message:
I know I broke your heart, but you are the only thing on Earth to me now, and I really wanna make this right.
“Cassie?” I asked after I’d caught my breath.
“Yeah, sweetie?”
“Do you happen to have any makeup I can use?”