After I get my friends up to date on the professional man who has captured my interest, I need an answer to the burning question that has been driving me nuts. “So what do you think the guy meant when he said, I’m sure a woman like you has someone.”

Tish, who is driving us to her favorite clothing store on this Saturday morning, looks at me in the rear view mirror. “It means he thought you probably had a boyfriend. Which is a natural assumption and also kind of a subtle way to give you a compliment that he thinks you’re in demand.”

“No, I get that part. The woman like you part. What did he mean by that?”

Rory, sitting next to me in the back seat, shrugs. “He probably meant that a beautiful, smart, independent woman like you who owns her own business was no doubt off the market. I’m not sure why that’s so confusing. Perhaps all those years of tight clothes kept oxygen from getting to your brain.”

I shake my head. “I dunno, I think there’s more to it. And I didn’t exactly look beautiful in my new baggy outfit after a day slicing cold cuts and smelling like a Genoa salami.”

Madison, who’s in the front passenger seat, turns around to face me. “Perhaps, after have seen so many women dress seductively, he thought an attractive woman who was so comfortable in her appearance that she did not need to advertise her wares was a real catch.”

“Stop trying to analyze it, A.J.,” says Tish, pulling into the parking lot of a high-end store that specializes in, shall we say, non-seductive clothing.

I wrinkle my nose. “Fuhgeddaboudit. We’re shoppin’ here?”

Tish turns around. “Why, what’s wrong with this place? I shop here. All of their outfits are classic.”

“You tryin’ to make me look like a girl from Greenwich, Connecticut?”

Rory pats me on the shoulder. “Honey, with that accent, I don’t think anyone would ever make that assumption.”

***

I LOOK AT THE WARDROBE the girls had already picked out that is laid out on a table in a private room. (Apparently the store’s favorite color is plaid.) “What the hell is this, the cold shower fall collection? Because that’s the same effect this will have on any guy. You honestly think this stuff is gonna turn a guy’s head?”

Tish folds her arms. “You said you wanted a man like my fiancé.” She holds out her left hand to show off her engagement ring. “May I remind you that he presented me with this while I was wearing a similar outfit and that the man constantly needs a cold shower when around me.”

I pick up a plaid skirt and roll my eyes. “Seriously? I haven’t worn this kinda stuff since I went to Saint John’s and Sister Mary Hatchetface made me stand in the corner. So is this just in case the guy has a Catholic schoolgirl fetish and wants to be whacked with a ruler?”

Rory picks up a dress and hands it to me. “Yeah, he can play the teacher and give you a spanking for misbehaving.” She points to the dressing room. “C’mon, stop stalling. Get that gorgeous ass in there and cover it up.”

***

AN HOUR AND A HALF later I have tried on a dozen outfits. I emerge from the dressing room wearing what can only be described as a “cover-up” dress.

I’m buttoned up all the way to the top and the hem is all the way down to my knees. Long sleeves, to boot.

My friends all smile and nod in approval. “Perfect for your first date tonight,” says Tish.

“Are you kidding me? Even my skirts at Saint John’s were shorter than this thing.”

Rory nods. “And if I remember correctly, you got in trouble with your nun for that who made you go home and have your mom lengthen the hem.”

“Whatever. How am I supposed to get the guy’s motor running in this?”

Madison shakes her head. “You’re missing the whole point of this particular dress.”

I take a seat facing them and fold my arms. “Please, enlighten me.”

Tish exhales, obviously frustrated. “The whole point is to NOT have him notice anything except your face and your personality. If he’s still interested after tonight and only getting a goodnight kiss at the door, we know he’s interested in YOU and not that amazing body of yours.”

Suddenly something dawns on me. “Whoa, Tish, hold on. I seem to remember we spruced up your wardrobe when you started getting interested in Spence. Even got you to let your hair down a bit and take off your glasses.”

“But that was after he was already interested. Don’t worry, we’ll upgrade you to something sexier if he proves he’s looking for a relationship.”

“A potato sack would be sexier than this.” I pick up the horribly unflattering one-piece bathing suit (plaid, of course) they’ve selected. “And seriously guys, it’s not nineteen fifty. This covers up everything.”

Tish shrugs. “So pretend your ass is a vampire and never needs to see the sun again.”

Madison stands up. “You’ll feel better when we get to the next store.”

“Wow, can I get something that reveals my elbows?”

Rory moves toward me. “Look, A.J., here’s the deal. We’re setting you up for the classic librarian scenario.”

I furrow my brow. “What the hell is the librarian scenario?”

“A man goes into a library and sees what he thinks is an attractive librarian. But she’s all buttoned up, thick glasses, hair up. He talks to her and finds her interesting. He’s intrigued and very curious. He can’t help but wonder what happens when the glasses come off and the hair comes down. The point is to remind him of every man’s fantasy.”

“And that would be?”

“Lady in public, whore in bed.”

Madison flashes a wicked grin. “And we’re fixing the first part.”

I stand up and narrow my eyes at her, craning my neck to look up since she towers over me. “And are you implying the second part doesn’t need fixing?”

“Let’s just say that in the librarian scenario you’ll know what the punishment is if he has an overdue book.”

***

AROUND ONE-THIRTY I plop down into a chair in the restaurant that thankfully serves large portions. I tell my friends they are picking up the check, since I feel I am entitled to combat pay.

I’m exhausted and could eat a horse after trying on dozens of outfits, which are more like Victoria’s nightmare rather than her secret. I put on my reading glasses to look at the menu.

Madison studies my face. “Don’t forget to bring those on your date. No contact lenses.”

“Why?”

Rory shoots me a wicked grin. “Librarian scenario, remember?”

I shrug. “I dunno about that. We bought a ton of stuff and I don’t know if even one outfit is... me.”

Tish reaches over and pats my hand. “It’s the real you, not the old you.”

Rory peeks over the top of her menu. “And we all know that the old you really wasn’t you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look, we know you loved your reputation as a very... what’s the word... worldly girl who had been around the block a few times. But we all know a lot of it was just talk. A.J., I know damn well you never had a one-night stand and we know you don’t believe in casual sex. So really, a lot of the old you wasn’t your true persona. Deep down you’re an old fashioned girl and these outfits will reflect that.”

Madison nods. “She’s right. If you were an actual tramp none of us would have wanted to be friends with you. While you did seem to go through men like Kleenex and none of those so-called relationships ever lasted very long, we know you’re a romantic soul.”

“And for some odd reason you thought you needed to advertise the fact that you’ve got a rockin’ body,” says Tish. “Look what kind of guy you attracted with all the cheap outfits. And look at the kind of guy who got interested in you on the first day with your new wardrobe. Baggy pants with a loose-fitting shirt and you get asked out by an attractive architect in a suit. Who is interested in talking to you for more than two hours. And actually looked at your eyes while listening to you.”

I consider her valid point as a waiter arrives and takes our orders. As soon as he leaves, Tish turns to my two friends. “She’s going to look great in that red dress tonight. And speaking of which...” She pulls a long jewelry box from her purse and slides it over to me. “We all chipped in.”

I flip open the box. “Pearls? You actually can see me in pearls? I mean, they’re beautiful and this is very nice—”

“Trust me,” says Tish. “You want to exude class, nothing better than a classic single strand of pearls. It’s old school.”

“More like old maid.” I roll my eyes. “You’re turning me into Mrs. Cleaver. You really think a guy will be all over me wearing this stuff?”

Rory shakes her head. “You don’t want him all over you. All he’s getting is a goodnight kiss at the door. You’re not even inviting him in for a nightcap. Or the other stuff you invite men in to do. There will be no extra-curricular activities after he brings you home.”

“You’re kidding me. The guy’s gonna take me out to dinner and all he’s supposed to be satisfied with is one kiss?”

“Quality, not quantity,” says Madison. “You know how to make it count, A.J.”

“Whatever. By the way, why the red dress? I liked the blue one better. I mean, as much as I can like anything we bought today.”

“Because with your coloring the red will make your face pop and be a great contrast to your hair. And you want all his attention focused on your face. No distractions.”

“The red one’s pretty expensive. Suppose he takes me out for pizza?”

Rory laughs. “Oh, please. Trust me, from the way you described him you’re going someplace nice. He knows you work in a deli and don’t want something casual. And if he does take you for pizza, you don’t have to worry about spilling any sauce on a red dress because it will blend in.”

“So, red dress, one goodnight kiss, pre-marital hand holding, that’s it. I guess I don’t have any say in the matter.”

I get a “No!” in stereo.

“One more question. When he arrives to pick me up, and I assume he will come to the door, I’m going to introduce him to Gypsy. Supposed he’s one of those guys who doesn’t like cats?”

“Deal breaker,” says Madison. “Love you, love your cat. You and Gypsy are a package deal.”