Jack and I finished moving into our Newport Beach house without any issues, and I found myself stunned every morning when I opened my eyes and could see the ocean from our bedroom window. The beauty floored me and I prayed I’d never get used to it or take it for granted.
Matteo and Trina had their baby girl in November. They named her Adalynn, and I flew to New York in January to photograph them for the magazine. The pictures turned out stunning, but it didn’t hurt when all three of your subjects were gorgeous. They were set to be the featured article online, as well as in print in one of the summer issues.
Trina was thrilled to see me and my growing belly, and she couldn’t wait to give me all sorts of tips and tricks to stay comfortable and fit during the pregnancy. She was obsessed with pillows and told me I needed at least eight. Who needed eight pillows to sleep? I laughed, but she made me promise to buy more.
She also talked about maternity yoga and prenatal massages, and basically refused to acknowledge the fact that I wasn’t a freaking supermodel before the baby and I sure as hell wasn’t going to be one after. But I missed her. And I made her promise she’d come visit.
Matteo squeezed me and rubbed my belly when he saw me at the airport. He was happy to see me, but he admitted he wished that Jack could have come too. It was too close to spring training for the pitchers and catchers, so Jack stayed behind to pack and get ready. “It’s like old times,” Matteo said while driving me to their apartment, and I almost started crying. It felt amazing to be in the city, but so much had changed in such a short amount of time.
As hard as it had been to leave, I knew without a doubt that I didn’t belong there anymore. At least, not right now. Plus, I couldn’t see raising a kid in Manhattan. Being in the city as an adult felt like one thing, but raising a child in a city that busy and bustling seemed like another. I supposed when it came down to it, I was a California girl through and through. I liked the suburbs, with their front and back yards, and neighbors you actually came to know.
I walked through the sea of red-clad Angel fans, my stomach protruding like I was smuggling in a beach ball under my maternity top. Silently, I cursed Jack, wishing that I had been smart enough to time my pregnancy with an off-season due date. But then again, we hadn’t really planned it anyway.
Making my way into the players’ wives section, I smiled at my new companions and forced my growing body into the tiny green stadium seat. I looked down the aisle at Ashley, the ridiculously cute blonde wife of one of the veterans. She was the queen bee of the wives on this team, their Kymber, but minus the horrible attitude. Every team probably had their own Kymber, but I never wanted to be her. At least Ashley hadn’t treated me badly when I first arrived. I wasn’t sure if it was because Jack had already paid his dues in the organization, or if it was because we were married and I didn’t work, but I didn’t care. Whatever created less drama and stress in my everyday life was good enough for me.
“How are you feeling, Cassie?” Ashley smiled from behind her oversized sunglasses.
I rested my hands on top of my huge belly. “Like a whale,” I huffed out. This kid was heavy. My lower back hurt and my ankles were swollen. Not like I could see my ankles anymore, but I could feel them.
How come no one ever warned you that one day you’d look down for your feet and they’d be gone? One day out of the blue, my feet disappeared beneath the oversized growth in my stomach and I freaked out. No matter how hard I tried to see them, I couldn’t. It was scary to lose your feet. I decided right then and there that the next time someone I knew got pregnant, I would warn them, One day you’ll wake up and your feet will be gone. Do you need a pedicure? Are your feet dry? Who knows, because you can’t see them.
The freakiness of losing my feet was one thing, but losing the private part of me was another. That had disappeared earlier, but it was still traumatic. Jack laughed at me when I told him I had no idea what was going on down there. He promised to keep an eye on it for me. How comforting.
The sound of someone shuffling to the seat next to me stopped me from feeling sorry for myself. I turned to see a girl I didn’t recognize. The poor thing, she looked terrified.
“Hi,” she said softly, her long brown hair falling in front of her brown eyes as she directed her gaze toward the field in front of us.
“Hi. You must be new.” I hesitated, wondering if this girl was actually the girlfriend of someone on the team, or just a weekend fling. I’d seen enough girls come and go over the years that I finally understood why the other wives tended to keep their distance, but it still didn’t explain the outright nastiness once they knew the girl belonged to one of the players. There was no acceptable reason for that kind of behavior.
She nodded. “My boyfriend just got called up from the Salt Lake City team.”
“What position does he play?” I hoped he wasn’t a pitcher. Don’t ask me why, since I knew the team’s roster carried more pitchers than any other position on the team. I think it boiled down to my being scared for Jack. The whole thing with the Mets had scarred me. I’d learned the hard way how disposable and replaceable the players were once they no longer fit the team’s long-term goals.
“He’s a catcher,” she said, and I recognized the pride beaming in her eyes.
“How long have you guys been dating?” I asked. She looked so young. A lot younger than I knew I looked when Jack was called up.
“A few years. We’re high school sweethearts.” A breath escaped as she glanced down at my belly. “And you? Who’s your husband?”
“Oh, I’m Cassie,” I answered, extending my hand toward hers. She grabbed it for a firm shake. “Jack Carter’s my husband. And he did this to me.” I looked down at my monstrosity with chagrin as she giggled.
“I’m Shawna. It’s nice to meet you.”
“Cassie? Cassie!” Ashley’s voice interrupted our conversation and I turned my sunglass-covered face toward hers.
“Yeah?”
“Why don’t you come sit next to me,” she said coyly, patting the empty seat to her right.
“I’m okay, thanks,” I told her. “I probably won’t stay the whole game.” I’d stopped sitting for Jack’s entire games as soon as it got too uncomfortable to stay in those chairs for almost three hours. A few times I’d snuck downstairs into the tunnels, where it was cool, to wait for Jack. Even if the weather hadn’t warmed up entirely, this baby kept me plenty heated.
“Are you going to switch seats?” Shawna asked.
“Nah. I’m fine right here. A word of advice—don’t take it personally if the other wives don’t go out of their way to play nice at first. It’s just what they do until your boyfriend has paid his dues to the team.” I wanted to warn her that the other women wouldn’t be as kind as I was. And since she and her boyfriend had been together since they were kids, I feared she wouldn’t be strong enough to handle it.
She glanced past me at the rows of other women and shrugged. “I’ve dealt with worse. The girls that tried to come on to Bryce while he was playing in the minor leagues were disgusting. They were relentless and disrespectful. At least these women aren’t trying to take him away from me.”
I nodded in understanding. “Oh, Shawna, you have no idea. Remind me one day to tell you our story. But not now. I’m way too tired.”
She flashed a pretty smile at me. “I’ll hold you to that.”
During the seventh inning stretch, I stood up and walked around the stadium. My aching feet were no match for my lower back; I needed to walk it off. Heading down the stairs, I marched through the concrete hallway toward the locker room. Hoping that Jack would shower quickly and not leaving me standing out here for long, I rubbed my back and concentrated on breathing. Robert, the security guard, sat on a metal folding chair, watching me.
“Any day now, right, Mrs. Carter?” he asked as he removed his ball cap and scratched the top of his balding head.
“With any luck,” I said, smiling.
He nodded. “Well, you look fantastic. Absolutely glowing.”
“Thank you, Robert. That’s kind of you to say.” I continued to smile, but doubted his words. I knew I looked like a freaking cow, and who knew what my feet looked like since I’d lost them.
The quiet tunnel became noisy as the rest of the wives and girlfriends started to file in around me. A moment later, Jack burst through the doors and headed right for me.
“Hello, Kitten,” he purred in my ear before falling to his knees and kissing my belly. “Hello, baby.” He had started doing this after every game and I loved it; we didn’t care who watched.
“Did you shower? The other wives just got here.”
“No need, since I didn’t play today, and I know how uncomfortable you are. I don’t want you sitting out here waiting for me when I can shower at home.”
“Thank you,” I said with relief, sincerely happy with his thoughtfulness.
“Anything for my girl. And my boy.” He smiled, his dimples appearing. “How are you feeling?”
“My back hurts, but otherwise I’m okay.”
He grabbed my hand in his and I waddled a step behind him. Yes, I waddled; my new form of locomotion could no longer be considered walking. Once we entered the parking lot, Jack slowed his pace before popping the trunk of our black BMW and unlocking the doors. He opened the passenger door for me and helped me inside before tossing his bag into the back of the car.
“Do you want me to stop anywhere on the way home?” he asked, referring to my frequent late-night cravings.
Lately, I’d become obsessed with a very specific kind of Popsicle. I think I started eating about ten a day. And then there was the phase where I had to have cereal for every meal.
I reached for his leg and placed my hand on his thigh. “We have a freezer full of popsicles and a pantry full of cereal. I think I’m good.”
“All right then,” he said before stepping on the gas.
Jack’s free hand moved from holding mine to resting on my giant belly. He rubbed in slow, circular motions and the heat that radiated from his hand to my stomach soothed me. A swift kick caused Jack to pull his hand away.
“He kicked me!”
I laughed. “I know. I felt that.” I glanced down and noticed the baby inside me moving parts of his body. He twisted and turned as my stomach took on odd shapes to accommodate his growing length. “I know it’s supposed to be miraculous and stuff, but seeing a body part poke out of my stomach is weird. And kind of creepy. I feel like there’s an alien inside me.”
Jack glanced at me before turning onto the freeway. “I think it’s awesome. Do you have any idea how cool it is that you get to grow a person inside you? Guys can’t do that.”
“No shit, they can’t! Guys couldn’t handle it,” I teased.
He nodded and raised his eyebrows meaningfully as he said with complete seriousness, “No guy wants to birth a bowling ball out of his penis.”
I muffled a giggle. “Did you just say the word penis?”
“I was trying to watch my language in front of the alien baby, okay? No guy wants to birth a bowling ball out of his dick. Better?”
“Much.” I sighed, and angled my body toward his as the car raced toward home.
I must have fallen asleep on the short ride home because when I opened my eyes, Jack was carrying me up the stairs.
“Babe, you’re going to break your back.” Embarrassed, I tried to wiggle out of his arms but he tightened his hold.
“Can you not try to jump out of my arms while I’m walking up the stairs? Jesus, Kitten.” Once we reached the top, he gently placed me on my feet. “I didn’t want to wake you.”
“Thank you.” I attempted to wrap my arms around him, but couldn’t reach anymore. The size of my stomach had grown so large, it stopped me from getting close to anyone.
“He’s cock-blocking me already,” Jack said with a smirk.
“I’m sure it won’t be the last time,” I teased.
Jack smacked my ass and I yelped. “Go get in bed. I want you off your feet. Carter’s orders.”
“Yes sir.” I gave him a snappy salute before disappearing into the bedroom.
I woke up with Jack’s hand firmly on my side. The last few weeks I’d been sleeping fitfully, waking up every few hours to pee and adjust the plethora of pillows stacked around my body. Trina had been right about them and they were lifesavers, tucked underneath my stomach, between my legs, and behind my back.
Standing to walk to the bathroom, I felt water dripping down my leg.
Shit.
I tried to hold my bladder, but I couldn’t. Shuffling into the bathroom, I sat down on the toilet and the water gushed. My heart started to race as I realized that I wasn’t peeing at all—my water had just broken.
“Jack,” I yelled from behind the bathroom door. I heard him rustling in the bed, but he didn’t respond. “Jack?”
“Kitten? Where are you?” His voice sounded groggy.
“I’m in the bathroom, Jack. It’s time. I’ll be out in a second.” I waited for the water to stop flowing as thoughts of this is really happening flooded my mind. When I walked out of the bathroom, I found Jack dressed and sitting on the bed, waiting for me.
He immediately hopped up and rushed toward me. “Are you okay? Are you sure it’s time?”
“My water just broke. We should go. Can you grab the overnight bag?” At my doctor’s insistence, I had a bag packed for weeks now that included some clothes for me as well as clothes to bring the baby home in.
He lifted an arm and proudly displayed the packed bag, “Already grabbed it.”
“You seriously impress me,” I said as a contraction tore through my insides. Bending over and grabbing at my stomach, I groaned and breathed through the pain.
Jack was instantly behind me, rubbing my back. “Kitten, are you okay?” He dropped to his knees to look up into my eyes. “You’ll be okay. I promise. What can I do?”
He didn’t like to see me in any kind of pain, and the hurt it caused him to be unable to help made me feel even worse. When the contraction passed, I stood up straight and nodded at him. “I’m not going to change. They’ll make me get out of all this anyway.” I waved a hand over my pajamas.
“You look beautiful. Let’s go as soon as you’re ready.” He tugged at his hair like he always does when he’s nervous, pulling at it.
“I’m ready.” I forced a smile to help ease his nerves.
Jack’s hand found my stomach as he whispered, “Please stop hurting your mommy. Daddy can’t take it and it’s making him crazy.” His lips found mine and he pressed the softest kiss against them. “Let’s go have this baby.”
He walked me to the garage and around the side of our Jeep Grand Cherokee before opening the door for me and helping me in. “Why aren’t we taking the Bimmer?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I like the idea of being in an SUV instead of a car right now.”
When he scooted into the driver’s seat, he reached for my seat belt first, fastening it around my stomach before putting on his own. I focused on my breathing, paranoid that another contraction could come at any minute.
I pulled out my phone, which I’d managed to grab on my way out the door, and typed a group text to my mom, Gran, Dean, and Melissa.
On our way to the hospital. Water broke. Text you when I get settled and know our room number.
“I can’t believe this is really happening. I mean, of course I knew it would happen eventually, but it’s weird.” I breathed slowly in and out as Jack drove through our gated neighborhood.
“How so?” he asked, resting a hand on my knee.
“I don’t know. It’s like I got so used to being this enormous beast that I guess at some point I figured I’d always be this way. Like I’d be pregnant forever. But now that my water broke, it’s like holy shit, we’re going to have a baby! I don’t know what to do with a baby,” I squeaked out, starting to freak out. Jack laughed at my irrationality. “Don’t laugh at me, damn it. It’s not like you’ll even be around.”
That stopped Jack’s laughter immediately. “That’s not funny.”
“I’m not trying to be funny.”
“You want me to quit baseball? I’ll fucking quit tomorrow,” he offered, his tone serious.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Of course I don’t want you to quit baseball. But don’t make fun of me when I’m freaking out, Jack. ‘Cause I’m freaking out,” I admitted. “I’m scared. I don’t know what to do with babies.”
“You’ll be great, Kitten. You’ll be amazing. And if you end up needing help, we’ll hire a nanny. Hell, I’ll hire you one for every day of the week if it helps. Whatever makes you happy.”
“I do not want someone else raising our child! Are you crazy?” I started to yell. “It’s not like I’m working anymore, so there’s no reason I should need a freaking nanny to help me be a mom.”
“Fine. No nanny.” He glanced at me and then focused on the road. “It’s funny how things work out, though.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I was so unhappy about the trade at first, you know? But look at how it all worked out. You ended up being pregnant and we got to move home. Most of the guys aren’t that lucky.”
“Most of the guys don’t want to be that lucky. They like having their wives and kids in other cities. That way they can cheat without getting caught,” I snapped.
“Whoa. Pregnancy’s changed you.”
“Isn’t that the truth.” He glanced at me with a raised eyebrow, surprised that I was completely in agreement, and I laughed. “I feel like a crazy person. Get this thing out of me.”
He squeezed my thigh. “You have Gran and your mom,” he said, then paused and added, “And Melissa. And my brother. We have a whole team here ready to help.”
“You’re right,” I said, starting to settle down. “You’re absolutely right. I’m sure I’ll be okay. I’m just freaking out ‘cause I’ve never done this before.”
“I sure hope not.”
Another contraction ripped through me, causing me to gasp.
“Kitten?” Jack’s voice pleaded for a response, but I was too busy counting and trying not to hold my breath. When it ended, I unclenched his hand and he shook it out; apparently I’d been crushing his fingers. “I really don’t like when you get those.”
He fidgeted behind the steering wheel, his left knuckles almost white from his grip on it. “How bad do they hurt?” he asked, and then quickly changed his mind. “No. Don’t tell me. I can’t fucking handle hearing how much pain you’re in.” He huffed as he shook his head, changing his mind. “No. Tell me. What kind of man doesn’t want to know how much pain his wife is in? The kind who can’t do anything about it!” He slammed his hand against the wheel, his seesawing emotions clearly torturing him.
“Jack, stop. They aren’t that bad, okay? They’re just like sharp cramps. It’s mostly uncomfortable,” I lied. The contractions were getting stronger and longer, but Jack was right. There wasn’t anything he could do for my pain and I didn’t want him flipping out about it. It hurt me to see him react so defensively when it came to me. I reserved the right to protect my man the same way he wanted to protect me. And this was how I could do that, by avoiding the truth.
Jack glanced over at me, his face full of love and concern before he looked at the road again. “I can’t just sit here next to you while you’re gasping in pain and do nothing. It goes against everything I feel for you. It’s my job to keep you safe and protected. I know it’s illogical for me to think I can stop your labor pains, but my heart fucking feels like it’s going to explode when I hear the sounds you’re making. You being in pain doesn’t fucking work for me, Kitten. It rips me in two the second it starts. It goes against every fiber of my being to sit there and pretend like I don’t want to save you. I’d rather break my own hand again than know you’re hurting.”
I smiled, comforted by the depth of this man’s love for me. “I understand completely and I love you for it. It’s sexy as hell the way you love me, Jack. But I promise, I’m okay.”
He pulled our car into the hospital parking lot, grabbed my overnight bag, and helped me out. “I’ll carry you in if you want me to,” he offered.
“I’m fine, really,” I huffed as I waddled slowly. “I can walk.”
He wrapped a protective arm around me and guided me toward the emergency room doors. Once we were all checked in, Jack demanded a room as quickly as possible, telling anyone who would listen that I was hurting, about to give birth at any second, and I needed to lie down. The nurses tried to calm him while I mouthed an apology to any of them who looked my way. They didn’t seem fazed in the least, as if this type of behavior were an everyday occurrence in their department.
“Hi, Mrs. Carter. My name is Jane and I’ll be your nurse for today. If you’ll follow me, we’ll get you all set up.” The nurse’s hair was meticulously pulled into a tight bun, not a hair out of place, and I found myself mesmerized by this fact. Jack was right. Pregnancy had made me weird.
“Please call me Cassie,” I said, waddling behind her tiny frame down the long white corridor.
She paused in front of a wooden door and waved an arm. “We’ll be in here.”
“No one else is in here, right? She has her own room? I asked for a private room.” Jack fired off the questions without taking a breath.
“Yes, Mr. Carter. She will have her own delivery and postnatal room per your request.”
Jack walked into the room first and looked around, checking it carefully before heading back toward me.
“Sorry, he’s a little, um—” I paused, searching for the right word.
“Nervous?” She smiled. “Most of the first-time dads are,” she said, her voice gentle and comforting as she ushered us into the oversized hospital room.
Jack’s strong arm guided me forward once again. “It’s huge in here,” I said, glancing around at the spacious room. The hospital bed was small in size, but the rest of the room was elegantly decorated much like a hotel would be, with bedside tables and a desk.
A light green couch with a hideaway bed sat under the only window. An oversized brown leather chair sat in one corner of the room, and all I could think about was how cold it looked. I’d never been a big fan of leather. It always creaked and moaned whenever anyone first sat in it.
Across the room in the other corner rested the most comfortable-looking rocking chair I’d ever seen. It complemented the decor of the room with its neutral tones, entirely covered in thick cushioning. I wanted to sit in that.
“We need to get you changed and hooked up to the monitors,” Jane said as she pulled back the curtain suspended from the ceiling that surrounded the bed. “The bathroom’s right through that door behind you. Your gown is folded up on the counter. Remember, the opening goes in the back.” Jane smiled and pointed to the doorway before walking toward one of the machines.
I entered my private bathroom and changed as quickly as I could. Folding up my pajamas, I brought them out and handed them to Jack. He tossed them onto the couch into a messy pile, and I rolled my eyes.
Men.
“Do you need help into the bed?” Jack offered and I waved him off, climbing into it on my own.
Once I was lying down, I noticed the walls were painted a seafoam green color and it soothed me to look at them. Above my head was a stuffed mock headboard nailed to the wall, flanked by art glass pendant lights on each side. For a hospital room, this was pretty nice.
“Okay,” Jane said efficiently. “I need to get the IV started first.” She poked a large needle into my hand and I winced as soon as the fluids hit my bloodstream.
Looking up at her, I asked, “Is it normal for that to hurt?”
Jack tensed and looked hard at Jane, who said quickly, “Some patients report a burning sensation at first. But it should fade in no time.”
I nodded with surprise. “You’re right. It’s already gone.”
“Great. Now I need to wrap this band around your stomach. It’s a bit uncomfortable because it’s tight. It measures your baby’s heart rate so we can monitor it during labor, as well as your contractions’ length and strength.”
“Okay.” It pinched as she tightened it around the top of my belly.
“Is that all right?” she asked, cocking her head to one side.
“It’s fine.”
“Good. See the monitor here?” She pointed at the green machine with several small LCD screens to my right. “You can see when your contractions hit right here. And your baby’s heart rate right here.”
“Cool.”
“Do you know what you’re having?” she asked, looking between Jack and me.
“We do.” I smiled at her before turning my head toward Jack, my eyes beginning to tear up. I didn’t subscribe to the whole “we don’t want to know the gender of our baby” way of thinking. My mind was far too organized for that sort of nonsense and I needed to be prepared for this little person entering our lives. Especially with the chaos that was Jack’s baseball schedule, the idea of any more surprises did not sound appealing.
Jane continued to hook me up to various things, another monitor on my arm for my heart rate, as well as the prepping for an epidural if I wanted. Just a few days ago, I’d felt like a beached whale. Now I felt like a science experiment with wires coming out of me from all sides. I couldn’t even walk to the bathroom without having to wheel the IV support with me.
I looked at Jack, who had moved the leather chair right next to my bed, and smacked my forehead with my hand. “Shit. I forgot to text everybody with the room number. Can you send them a text and tell them please?”
“Of course.” He reached for my phone and stood up. Leaning down to give me a kiss, he whispered, “I love you,” before kissing my belly and telling our baby the same. Then he walked around the curtain and out of my view, and I heard the door open and then pull to a close.
Two seconds later he was back in the room, a huge dimpled smile lighting up his face. “They’re already out there.”
“Who is?” I asked, completely confused.
“All the knuckleheads. They want to come in. Can they?” Jack directed his question toward our nurse, Jane.
She nodded. “They can come in until it’s time to deliver. Or,” she pointed at me, “until you want them out.”
“Warn them that I look like ass!” I shouted toward Jack’s back.
“You look beautiful, Kitten.”
Our families wasted no time filling up the room, all nervously beaming at me in expectation. My heart filled with love as I looked at them all and said, “I can’t believe you’re all here. What if it takes me a hundred hours to have this kid?”
My mom walked over to me first, looking incredibly happy as she leaned down and squeezed me. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I’m so excited,” she admitted, and I wanted to cry.
“Where’s Dad?” I asked, only half-surprised that he wasn’t here.
“He’s traveling for work,” Mom said without meeting my eyes. “He said he’ll try to get here as soon as he can.”
I wondered briefly if she believed the lies my dad told. I knew he most likely wouldn’t show up at the hospital, so I assumed she had to know this as well. Maybe she chose to live in denial? I couldn’t care anymore. I had my own family to worry about and take care of.
My eyes locked on to Melissa’s blue ones, then my gaze traveled down the length of her tiny frame to where her hand intertwined with Dean’s. She made a face at me and I laughed. “Get over here,” I insisted and she dropped Dean’s hand and ran over.
“I can’t believe you’re having a baby,” she said into my hair as she hugged me awkwardly.
“I know! I can’t believe it took you ten years to hook up with Dean. You guys look really happy.”
She pulled back and made a face at me. “How could you let me be such an idiot for so long?”
“Uh, you’re sorta stubborn. And you don’t listen.” I puckered my lips at her.
“I know. But to think I could’ve been this happy that whole time? I just want to kick myself.”
“So, you are happy?” I asked, reaching for her hand.
“The happiest. I never knew,” she said, then paused to gain her composure. “I just never knew it could be like this.” Her eyes began to glisten, then a few tears spilled over.
“I’m so happy for you. Don’t screw it up,” I whispered, my voice playful.
“My turn.” Dean’s voice cut through our whispers. He bumped Melissa out of the way with his hip and leaned down to hug me.
Everyone wanted to hug me but I could barely move, so it turned out to be this awkward grab thing that happened instead of a real hug. “Hurry up and make me an uncle, would ya?”
“Talk to the kid in the belly,” I told him sarcastically. “Clearly, I’m ready.” I opened my arms to point to all the machines and monitors attached to my body.
Dean leaned down to speak directly to my protruding stomach. “Come out, kid. We’re all ready to meet you.”
Jack faked a cough and Dean stood up straight. “Uh-oh, I think I’m pissing off the big guy. How shocking.”
“Step away from the belly that doesn’t belong to you, little brother,” Jack said in a booming voice.
“Are you serious?” I called out with attitude, and Jack instantly appeared at my side.
“Very. Don’t put your lips on my girl’s stomach again unless you want to lose them,” Jack said, and if I knew him, he was only half teasing.
“You have issues. You know this, right?” Dean joked back.
Gran and Gramps joined the Carter family party at my bedside and I finally did cry. “Thank you for coming. You didn’t have to get up in the middle of the night to sit around for who knows how long.”
“We know we didn’t have to, dear,” Gran said. “But we wanted to.”
“Yeah,” Gramps added. “It’s not like we have anything else going on. It’s boring at the house without you kids there.”
I felt bad that everyone I loved was up at this ungodly hour. They couldn’t do anything but wait, but they all assured me there was nowhere else they’d rather be. Honestly, I felt loved and special. It was a wonderful feeling.
Jane came into the room, glanced at my monitor, then shooed everyone back into the waiting room. And wait they did.
Jack and I sat alone, hand in hand, as we waited for the doctor to arrive. We watched the monitor, which gave us a heads-up that a contraction was beginning before I could even feel it, then he coached me through the breathing to help me relax so the contractions wouldn’t be quite so painful.
Eventually the doctor swept into the room, making a grand entrance with a pudgy nurse in tow, and once he took over, the real fun began. After two hours of pushing and panting and a lot of cursing Jack’s existence, our baby was finally born.
“It’s a boy!” the pudgy nurse announced. “Would you like to cut the umbilical cord?” she asked Jack.
“Of course.” He stood and took the scissors from the nurse, then cautiously snipped where she instructed him to.
I wanted to act surprised by her words, but I knew he was a boy and had the pictures to prove it. I remembered laughing during one of the ultrasounds our doctor had ordered, when the technician took her stylus and drew an arrow to what was obviously the baby’s penis on the screen, then wrote, I’M A BOY! YAY!!!!!!! When she handed me the photo of the screen capture, I stuck it in my purse and hid it away from our family and friends so they wouldn’t know the sex of the baby. Later that night when I’d called Jack to tell him, I kept waiting for an “I told you so” since he’d been insisting the baby was a boy all along. But he was smart enough to keep that thought to himself.
Jane took over from there, closing the freshly cut cord with a clip. “This will turn black and fall off on its own. Don’t freak out when it does.” She placed our wailing bundle of joy onto a tiny scale before swaddling him tightly and putting him into my arms.
She then grabbed a pen and started to write on a blue-trimmed bassinet card as she said out loud, “April tenth. Happy birthday to—” She paused and glanced my way, waiting for me to reveal the baby’s name.
“Chance. Chance Thomas Carter.”
“Ooh, I like that,” she cooed. “We haven’t had any Chances yet.”
Turning my head to the left, I noticed that Jack’s eyes were misty. He tried hard to fight off the tears, his gaze pinging between his newborn son’s face and my own.
“I love you. I love you so much. You’re amazing. And he’s incredible,” Jack said as he planted soft kisses against my forehead and gently touched the baby’s tiny hand.
“He’s perfect. Aren’t you, Chance?” I tipped his eight-pound-three-ounce body toward my face and I breathed in his sweet baby scent.
“Chance Fucking Carter,” Jack breathed out. “It has a nice ring to it.”
I smacked Jack’s shoulder with my free hand as I stared at Chance’s perfect little face. The baby yawned widely, then opened his big blue eyes with incredibly long lashes and grabbed hold of my finger, grasping it firmly in his little hand.
Holding our baby in my arms for the first time was the most amazing feeling; the enormity of it almost took my breath away. We were parents. Jack Carter and I were officially someone’s mom and dad.
“We did this. We made this,” Jack said softly as he stared with pride at his son, no longer concerned with the drops that fell from his eyes.
“We did. He’s perfect. I love you.” I smiled, my heart filled with so much love I felt like it could burst at any moment and paint the room with it.
“Are his eyes going to stay blue?” Jack asked as he stared at the baby, and I giggled.
“Probably not. They could turn brown like yours, or green like mine. We’ll know in a few months,” I reminded him. “Most babies’ eyes are blue when they’re born.”
I knew I’d felt lucky before, but in this moment, I’d never felt luckier. It was one thing to be blessed enough to actually find the love of your life, when so many people never do. It was something completely different to go through the fiery pits of personal hell with that person, then come through it on the other side and still get to marry them. Nevertheless, it was a blessing on a completely different level to create a whole other person with them. There was no doubt in my mind that nothing in our lives could ever be more beautiful than this moment.
Before today, I thought I loved Jack with all my heart, but having a child with him changed things. The kind of love I felt for Jack now was more than it ever could have been before today. It was as though my heart instantly multiplied in size and filled itself with more love for the very person I didn’t think I could possibly love any more. Jack and Chance equally held my heart in the palm of their hands.
I looked at Jack and tears were rolling down his face. Expecting them to be tears of joy, I was surprised to see that he looked somewhat sad. I reached to touch his cheek, wanting to fix whatever was bothering him in this perfect moment. “Jack, what’s wrong?”
He wiped at his face before staring at me, his chest rising and falling. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” I responded as he put a hand up to stop me.
“The moment I looked at our son,” he said with anguish, “something inside me snapped. Like a light switch turned on or something and filled my heart up completely. It’s a kind of love I don’t know how to describe. See, Kitten, I love you with everything that I am, but it’s like I love him with who I am. Does that make any sense?” He started to fidget and gripped at his hair.
Smiling, I nodded. “I get it completely, because I feel exactly the same way. I love you both so much, but it’s not the same kind of love. The difference is that I choose to love you, but loving our son isn’t a choice. It simply … is.”
“Exactly. That’s exactly it,” he breathed out, but continued to fidget. Something was hurting him and it killed me to see him in any kind of pain. We were supposed to be celebrating, consumed by happiness, but something was wrong.
“Jack?”
He closed his eyes and shook his head, as if fighting off personal demons. When his eyes opened, another tear fell. This time he didn’t move to wipe it off. I watched as it traveled the length of his cheek and passed his jawline before falling from his face completely.
Finally, he said, “I just don’t get it. I don’t understand. I mean, one look at our son was all it took for me to feel completely consumed by love for him. The need to protect him, fight for him, kill for him, it filled me up the moment he took his first breath.”
I watched as he talked, not sure the direction his thoughts were taking him. Before I could form a coherent thought, he went on.
“But not once have I thought about leaving him. Or walking away. And I just don’t understand how not one of my parents, but both of them, could see me and my brother, have these feelings for us, and then leave us alone. I’d rather die than leave him. Or you. Ever.”
My heart broke in that moment for my man. Always so strong and determined, it was times like this when Jack’s hidden vulnerability shone through and we both realized how battered his soul truly was. “Babe, I don’t know what to say. Maybe they left because they loved you guys too much?”
He shook his head violently. “No! My dad left and never came back. He didn’t even say good-bye; he just left. And my mother specifically told me it was because we were bad. She made sure I knew damn well why she was choosing to leave. The two of us were so bad, she couldn’t take it anymore. That’s not love.”
“Maybe she was the bad one?” I ventured. “Maybe she thought once you boys got old enough, you’d see that she wasn’t worth loving? I don’t know, Jack. I don’t know why people do the fucked-up things they do. But I will tell you this—your parents leaving might have been the best thing in the world for you and Dean.”
He huffed out a disgusted sound and I continued. “Just hear me out. When they left, you got to be raised by two of the best people I’ve ever met in my life. And I know right now, in this beautiful moment, you can’t ever imagine feeling anything other than absolute love for our son, but there will probably come the time when you’ll want to kill him.”
Jack shot me a glare and I laughed. “Not literally, but I’m sure he’ll be a pain in the ass at some point and it probably won’t be very much fun.”
“But I’d still never want to leave,” he insisted. “No matter how bad he is, I’d never give up like that. I’d never fucking walk away. Not from either of you.” His head lowered as he stared at the floor.
“Baby, I know that. And that’s why you’re going to be such a good dad. He’s lucky to have you as his father.”
“I don’t understand how anyone can just leave. How do you walk away from this feeling and not have guilt consume you piece by piece?” He laid his head on my stomach, his tears wetting the thin sheet between us.
“I don’t either.” I reached for him, twisting my fingers through his dark hair, and tried to comfort him.
“I’ll never do that to you. To either of you. I promise,” he said fiercely, his breath hot on my stomach.
Stroking his hair, I said, “I know that. I believe you. I wouldn’t have married you if I thought you would ever leave.”
He turned his head to glance up at me. “You have a lot of faith, Kitten.”
“No. I know my man. And I love and trust him. He’s nothing like his parents. He’s not built to leave.”
“I like that. Not built to leave. Except when I left you before. I left you before.” His hands covered his face as his past ate away at his happiness.
I wanted to stop him from reliving all of the nightmares. Especially about Chrystle and the things we’d already gone through. In my opinion, those things were dead and buried and held no meaning anymore.
“Jack,” I said sternly, “that was a different time and place. You were doing the right thing. Even then, you were trying to do the right thing. None of that matters now.”
“I promise I’ll never leave you again. I promise.”
“I know. Okay? I know.” I patted his head, longing to bring him peace.
“Except for work,” he said, his words muffled against my stomach. “Shit. I’ll be gone all the fucking time for baseball.”
I sucked in a long breath. “I know that too. I knew that when I chose to marry you as well. Stop worrying about all these things, Jack. We’ll make it through.”
Jack lifted his head, pinning me with a resolute gaze. “I don’t ever want to let either of you down.”
“You won’t. Stop being so hard on yourself. Look at our baby. He’s amazing. He’s going to worship you and look up to you and want to be a baseball player just like his daddy.”
“I can’t believe I’m someone’s dad,” he breathed out, his eyes wide.
“I can.” I smiled at Jack with love and longing, wanting nothing more than to be in our new home with our baby. It felt like our lives together, as a family, were just beginning.
And I couldn’t wait to get started.