The next morning, I woke up with a back sore from sleeping on the couch two nights in a row. The constant barrage of conversation surrounding me reminded me that my brother and Melissa were here.
Great.
It had to be clear to everyone that I was avoiding my wife. My mind was spinning out of control with thoughts I never imagined having. The idea of my baseball career being over wrecked me.
Literally fucking ruined me.
I couldn’t function like a normal human being anymore. The thought turned me into an unrecognizable asshole. And the worst part was, I knew it. I was completely aware of my behavior, but it was like I couldn’t stop it. My head would tell my mouth not to say what it was about to say, but my mouth would say it anyway.
And even though I wanted to take it all back, I didn’t. It’s as if I started digging a hole and once I got in it, I couldn’t stop digging. I wanted to get low enough so that I could bury myself inside and never see the light of day again. That was what losing baseball felt like.
“Hey, asshole,” my little brother’s voice called out and I cleared my throat.
“What do you want, dick?”
“I want to sightsee and you’re taking me,” he demanded.
I almost fucking laughed. There was no way I was going to let Dean boss me around. “I’m sure Cassie would be better at that sort of thing.” Even that sentence came out sounding like a slam against her.
“I’m sure she would be too. But I want you to take me. You need to get out of this house. And you look like shit.”
Melissa laughed and I shot her an evil look. “Shut up, Fun-Size. Why are you even here?”
“Fuck you, Jack. I’m here because you’re being an asshole to my best friend. And someone has to give a shit about her.”
Her words stung, but I pretended not to be fazed. Each breath I sucked in pierced my heart more deeply. I had to stop hurting Cassie, but I couldn’t. Why couldn’t I just fucking stop? Pushing up from the couch, I glared at the three of them sitting at the table, then growled at Dean, “Be ready to leave in ten.”
“So, where we going?” my brother asked after we left the girls at the apartment, his face filled with excitement.
“You like it here, don’t you?” I teased, my mood already lifting. The trees were losing their leaves and the weather was changing. That was definitely one of the coolest things about living here—the feeling in the air as the seasons changed.
He looked around. “I’ve never seen anyplace like it.”
And he was right. There was nothing like this in Southern California, and New York did have a magical feel to it. That is, once you looked past all the dirt, trash, and large rats running around. Hell, even that shit didn’t bother me.
“Well, I haven’t seen much, to be honest,” I admitted. “I don’t have much time to play tourist, but you’ve got to see Central Park. It’s huge.” I punched my brother in the arm.
“How far is it? Do we drive there? Or walk? Or take the subway?”
I shook my head. “Shut the fuck up. Jesus, you’re like a damn chick. We’ll walk there. It’s nice out and that way you can see more. You can’t see shit if we’re underground in the train.”
Dean agreed and basically walked with his head up his ass, staring up and around the whole time. “Dude, you need to be aware of your surroundings. At least act like you’re paying attention or someone’s going to mug you,” I said, shaking my head.
“What?” He shot me an incredulous glance.
“It’s a big fucking city. Shit happens. Don’t act stupid.”
A group of young couples passed by us and I pulled my hat lower, trying to avoid being noticed. “I think that was Jack Carter! Oh my God,” a girl squawked from behind me.
“Shit,” I mumbled to no one in particular.
“That is him,” I heard another one say. “Look, he has a cast on and everything. Jack? Excuse me, Jack?” The sound of shoes slamming against the pavement stopped me.
I turned to face the group of twenty-somethings.
“Can we have your autograph?” one of the girls asked hopefully.
Lifting up my broken arm, I shrugged. “Can’t really sign anything with a broken hand, sorry.”
“Oh yeah, stupid me.” The girl smacked her forehead. “Can we get a picture with you, then?”
I sucked in a breath and glanced around before agreeing. “Sure.”
After one shot, I’d hoped we were done, but everyone had their own camera phone, and wanted their own picture. Soon a small crowd had formed, all clamoring for the same thing. Trying to keep my irritation in check, I obliged everyone wanting a photo with me before turning toward my brother, who had willingly turned photographer. “Sorry. Maybe we should have taken the train,” I said before continuing up East Fifty-Ninth.
“Nah. It’s cool,” he said with a smile. “Plus, you were actually nice to them.”
“Fuck off.”
“See? What’s your problem, man?”
“Don’t start with me,” I said through clenched teeth. I didn’t want to talk about this. My thoughts alone caused me enough grief. The last thing I wanted to do was actually talk about them.
“I will start with you,” Dean said harshly. “You’re being a real dick. And to Cassie, of all people. Do you want her to fucking leave you?”
I stopped walking. Mid. Fucking. Step.
“What the hell did you just say to me?” I glared at my little brother, my heart fucking pounding out each beat against my chest.
Dean hardened his expression. “She won’t put up with this forever. Eventually she’ll leave you. And it will be your own fault.”
I moved to shove him but he dodged me. “Don’t say that. Don’t you dare fucking say that.”
“What? You don’t want to hear the truth? You’re unbearable right now. I’ve never seen you like this. And heaven forbid your hand not heal right and—”
I cut him off, not wanting to hear the next fucking word that came out of his mouth. Right now all I wanted to do was punch him in it. “Shut up, Dean. Shut the fuck up right now. You don’t know what it’s like. You have no idea how I feel.”
“Then tell me! Tell someone!” he shouted and I swore the entire city stopped moving so they could listen.
“Keep your goddamned voice down,” I demanded and resumed walking. His fingers wrapped around the sleeve of my shirt and he pulled me back. “What the hell?”
“We’re talking about this,” he said as he leveled his gaze to mine. “So figure out someplace we can go to do it. I’m not taking no for an answer.”
My stubborn nature refused to let me respond. Instead I marched forward, heading in the direction of the park. Central Park was massive. There were plenty of places we could go to talk and not be surrounded by prying ears.
As we crossed over Fifth Avenue, I turned to Dean and pointed. “That’s the Plaza Hotel. It’s Cassie’s favorite, she’s absolutely in love with it. And that fountain.”
Dean looked in the direction of the hotel. “I can see why. It’s fantastic.”
“Come on. The park’s right there.”
I could tell Dean still didn’t get it. He didn’t know how grand this park was. I’m sure he assumed that the park would be the size of one of our parks at home. I should have told him that Central Park was more like Griffith Park, only more awesome.
Entering through the southeast corner of the park, it didn’t take long until the sounds of the outside world started to fade. The park was alluring in that way. You could cross the street in front of screaming cabs and tourists, and before you knew it you’d entered a world where birds were chirping, people were jogging, and the only other sound you heard were those of horseshoes clacking against the pavement. Submersed inside this world, it was easy to forget anything existed outside of it.
A few more steps and we were at the pond. “Wow,” Dean said with a smile. “So this is Central Park, huh?”
I laughed. Shit. I hadn’t laughed in days and my face knew it. It hurt. “This is barely Central Park.”
“What do you mean?”
“Dude, this is the pond. There’s a lake, a merry-go-round, an ice skating rink, baseball fields, a zoo, the meadow where they have concerts and shit. This place is huge. I still haven’t seen the whole thing.”
“That doesn’t sound like a park. That sounds like a city.”
I shrugged. “It sorta is, like a city within a city.” Spotting some large boulders in the distance, I sped toward them as Dean followed behind. I climbed up on the largest one and sat on top. Dean climbed up next to me.
“Does it hurt?” he asked.
“Does what hurt?”
“Your hand. I see you tucking it against you every now and then, and I wondered if it hurts.”
I looked down at the cast covering my pitching arm. “Do I really do that? I didn’t notice.”
“That’s not an answer,” he said.
I hadn’t admitted it to anyone. Not even to the team’s doctor, but yes, my hand hurt. It fucking killed me. As far as they knew, I was taking their prescribed painkillers. But the truth was that I wasn’t.
“Yeah, it hurts,” I admitted.
“How bad?”
“It’s a constant pain. I can feel my heart beating in my fingertips. It fucking kills me.”
Dean’s head tipped to one side as though he were confused, or worried. “That can’t be good. They gave you painkillers, right?”
I nodded sharply.
“They’re not working, then? You have to tell them.”
I huffed out a breath. “I’m not taking them.”
“What? Why on earth not?” His face scrunched up with confusion and I looked around at the green trees surrounding us.
“Because I don’t do that shit. I don’t do drugs. I’ve never taken a painkiller in my life and I’ve heard they’re addictive. What if I get addicted to them?”
Dean laughed. Full-out belly laughed, and I resisted punching him in the gut to shut him up.
“You’re not going to get addicted,” he said. “Just cut them in half. Whenever you start to feel the pain, take half of whatever they prescribed you. Soon, the pain will stop and you won’t need them. You’re not Superman, Jack.”
“Says you.”
“I say that because I know you, brother,” he insisted.
“And I say no because I’ve seen way too many guys get addicted to shit. I refuse to be one of them.”
He sighed, clearly more convinced of my own strength than I was. “Here.” He pulled an envelope from his back pocket and tossed it onto my lap.
“What the hell is this?”
“It’s a letter from Gran.”
“You read it?” I asked, my tone defensive.
He frowned at me and snapped, “Does it look like I read it?”
I turned the envelope around, and ripped open the seal.
Dear Jack,
Sometimes life doesn’t unfold the way we want it to. You, of all people, have learned that lesson all too well. First with your parents, then with Cassie and that other horrible girl, and now with baseball.
Gramps and I are so sorry that your hand is broken. And we know how much you must be hurting because of it. But, Jack, I’m hearing things about your behavior and attitude toward your wife that I cannot condone. I did not raise you to be mean, rude, or disrespectful to the one person who has loved you at your worst.
I know you feel as though your life IS baseball, but the reality is your life is so much more than just your chosen profession. True, baseball is a part of your life, but it is only a part. No matter how wholeheartedly you think differently, you are not baseball, and baseball is not you. It will not last forever. Nothing does, dear. Nothing except love, of course.
Eventually your hand will heal, but if you ruin things with your wife, I fear your heart never will. Remember how it felt to lose her. And don’t let it happen again.
Remember who you are. You’re Jack Carter, the boy with the unbreakable spirit and resolve. The boy who doesn’t take no for an answer when it’s something he wants. You’ve been like that since you were five years old. And I know you haven’t changed. So stop throwing this little pity party of yours and get your priorities straight.
You know how I feel about flying, so DO NOT MAKE ME GET ON A PLANE AND FLY OUT THERE! I will if you leave me no choice, but I won’t be happy about it. The next time I talk to that wife of yours, she’d better not be crying.
I love you,
Gran (Gramps too)
“Fuck,” I breathed out, running my free hand through my hair. “Cassie cried to Gran?”
“What?” Dean asked, clearly as clueless as I was. I handed him the letter so he could read it himself and sucked in a long, slow breath. They were right. Everyone was. I was being a fucking asshole to the one person who deserved it the least.
Cassie.
Shit.
My beautiful Kitten. My heart. My soul. The only thing in this world I loved more than baseball. Had I somehow forgotten that? I certainly acted like it. I owed her a million apologies, and a thousand explanations. And I hoped that they would be enough.
All I’d done since I met this girl was bring her grief. It wasn’t enough to have some good times when you overshadowed them with bad ones. I needed to stop being such a dick and get my head on straight.
“Remind me to never upset her, okay? I don’t think I could handle a Gran letter like this.” Dean’s eyes were wide as he handed the letter back to me.
I grabbed it and folded it carefully, then tucked it into my jeans pocket.
“We have to get out of here. I need to go home.” I rose from the rock and climbed back down it, trying not to fall on my ass and break my other hand.
I thought Dean might be disappointed, but he sat there looking at me with a shit-eating grin plastered all over his face. “Thank God!” he called out toward the sky.
“Now we’re religious?”
“If that’s what it takes, then hell yeah, I’m religious.” He hopped down and patted my back. “Let’s get you home to your wife.”
I hailed a cab the second my foot hit the crowded sidewalk outside the park. We scooted into the backseat and I gave the cabbie our address.
“So, do you want to talk about it?” Dean looked at me and the sympathy in his eyes made me cringe.
“I do,” I said with a nod. “But not with you.”
“Uh, thanks.”
I laughed. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just need to talk to my wife first.”
Dean nodded his head in agreement. “Definitely. But then I want to hear about it, okay?”
“Okay. Thanks for coming out here.” I punched his thigh playfully, wanting him to know that having him here made me happy.
“I’m your brother. I’d do anything for you,” he said, and I knew he meant it.
“Same here.” Of course I didn’t need to say it, but I wanted to.
I’d missed Dean more than I realized. It was easy to forget how much you miss people when you didn’t see them every day. I must be more of the out of sight, out of mind type. Unless we were talking about Kitten; then all bets were off. Because when it came to her, I was more the distance makes the heart grow fonder type. Or you could just call me pussy for short.
I burst through our front door with Dean on my heels, praying Cassie would be home. When I found her in the kitchen table with Melissa, her green eyes instantly found mine before they looked away, the pain I’d caused her abundantly clear.
Fuck.
She hated me. I’d hate me too. How many times had I said that before?
Ignoring Melissa, I rushed to Cassie, grabbed her hand in my good one, and pulled her into our bedroom, slamming the door behind us. Without a word, I pulled her over to the bed and sat down, pulling her to a seat on the mattress next to me.
“Jack, what are you—”
“Shhh. Please. Just wait here for a minute,” I begged. Leaning over and placing my head against my cast, I closed my eyes and silently berated myself. Cassie didn’t move and I didn’t either, afraid that if I disturbed the emotional dust settling around us, I’d mess it all up again.
I sat there a good ten minutes without moving a muscle. When I finally sat up and opened my eyes, tears began to spill down my cheeks.
“Oh God, Kitten. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Please, please don’t leave me.”
“Leave you?” Her eyebrows flew up and her eyes grew wide, as if she had no idea what I was talking about.
“I fucked up. I’m just so scared for what all this means, you know?” I held my cast-covered arm in the air and she nodded. “I’m not ready to lose baseball. I’m not ready for my career to be over. And I’ve taken it all out on you.”
She started to cry. No words came, just tears, so I went on. “I know you probably hate me. Or you’re mad at me. And I deserve it. But please know how sorry I am. I’ll never treat you like this again, I promise.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
I shifted over, closing the space between us, and pulled her body against mine. “I’ll never treat you like this again,” I said against her hair as she trembled in my arms. “I am so sorry for the way I’ve been acting. I’m scared. Terrified I’ll never be able to throw again. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to lose baseball. But I’ll never be ready to lose you.”
Cassie pulled back slightly so she could look up at me. “Jack,” she said softly as I wiped the tears from her face. “Why are you so convinced your career’s over?”
I paused, my mind instantly thinking about my parents both choosing to abandon me and Dean at different times. The helpless feeling started to sweep over me again, filling me with dread. It amazed me how after all these years, one simple past action could send me into a tailspin. “I don’t know. Because I love baseball so much and I want it so badly, I’m afraid it will be taken from me. Like I don’t deserve to have the things that I love.”
“You have me,” she said softly as she pinned me with her gaze.
“But I lost you. I had to get you back. Nothing comes easy. I fuck things up. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I fuck up baseball too.”
Her face scrunched up and she shouted, “Stop it!” which surprised me. “Just stop it. I hate this side of you. It’s like you’re quitting and that’s not the Jack I know. Stop being so complacent. Be a fucking man. Be the man I know and love.”
I nodded, her words striking me square in the chest. I wanted to yell at her for being so harsh, but she was right and I needed to hear it. “You’re right. I’m filled with self-pity and it’s a joke. That’s why I don’t give a fuck if baseball tries to quit on me, I’m not going to let it.”
The corners of her mouth started to tilt upward with my confession. “That’s what I like to hear.”
“Baby, I am really sorry. I can never take back the way I acted, but I can promise you I’ll never do it again.” I fell to my knees. “I know all I do is apologize to you for fucking up, but please, Kitten. I need you by my side. I’ll always need you by my side. Say you forgive me. Please.”
I waited. Waited for her to say she forgave me. Waited for her to say she loved me and she’d never leave me. I’d wait forever to hear those words if she wanted me to. She lowered herself to the floor next to me and took my face in the palm of her hands. God, her hands were soft.
Her green eyes stared through me, intense and ferocious as she spoke. “I’m your wife. I vowed in front of our friends and family that I would love you until I died. And I plan on doing just that, but please,” she paused, “stop making it so hard for me.” Her lips found mine and my chest instantly eased with relief.
“I love you. I fucking love you.” My tongue explored the inside of her mouth and I wanted to bury myself in her. “I need you. Now.”
“Jack, we have guests.”
“They aren’t guests. They can wait. I need to be inside you. You’re my home. I need to be home right now.”
Cassie hesitated and pulled away slightly. “Don’t do it like last time.” She looked down as I struggled to remember what she was talking about.
Then I remembered. I was rough with her the night I got hurt, and that was the last time we’d been together. “Oh shit, Cassie. Did I hurt you?” Her head shook slowly back and forth, her eyes still focused on the floor. “I did, didn’t I? I fucking hurt you, didn’t I?”
“You didn’t hurt me,” she said slowly.
“Then what? What did I do? I know I was rough and I’m sorry. I’ll never forgive myself if you’re not okay.” I couldn’t believe this. It was one fuck-up after another with me. How could I be so stupid all the time?
She looked up, her eyes meeting mine. “You scared me a little. Not a lot. But still.”
I leaned my head into my hand and wiped at my eyes. “I’m so sorry. Kitten, please. I needed to feel like a man because I felt so useless on the ball field. I wanted to dominate something, but I didn’t even think about how it would make you feel. I just wanted to make myself feel better. ‘Cause I’m a selfish prick.”
“I just need a little time, okay? I love you and we’ll be fine, but I need us to go slow right now,” she suggested and my dick ached.
“Absolutely. We’ll go at your pace. Whatever you want. I’ll do whatever you want.” I pulled her against me and hugged her tight. She probably couldn’t breathe, but I needed her to be that close to me.
“Thank you. We should probably get out there.” She smiled and I pushed up from the floor before reaching for her.
“I really am sorry,” I whispered against her ear before hugging her again.
“I know. Just talk to me, please. You can’t get like that. I can’t get like that. It doesn’t work for us when we don’t talk.”
“I’ve never dealt with this before,” I admitted and she nodded against my chest.
“I know. But we’ll deal with it together. We’re a team, remember? You told me that. It’s you and me against the world, Carter.”
“For fucking ever,” I said before covering her mouth with mine and pouring all my love for her into that kiss. She moaned and her body relaxed against me. We’d be okay. We just needed a little time.
When we finally left our bedroom, Melissa and Dean were sitting on the couch watching some chick flick. He had his arm around her and she was leaning against him.
“Figures you’d grow a vagina the second I leave you alone,” I teased and Dean breathed out a sigh. “What the hell are you two watching?”
Dean shoved a fist in the air. “My brother’s back!”
“Are you done being an asshole, Asshole?” Melissa chirped in my direction.
“Are you done being a cock tease to my brother, Cock-Tease?” I chirped back.
Cassie’s hand landed hard against my chest. “Jack! Leave them alone.”
“I was planning on it, until you shot me down.” I threw her a glance and flashed a smile in her direction.
“Crash and burn, huh, big brother?” Dean asked.
“I wouldn’t talk if I were you,” I warned.
Cassie cleared her throat. “Enough with the dick measuring. Jeez.”
Melissa turned her head around. “Oh my God, go put a shirt on,” she shouted at my ripped chest. “Wait! Get over here.”
I knew she wanted me.
I sauntered over to where they were lying on the couch and she reached for my pecs. “Hey, keep your hands off the goods, lady,” I teased.
“You wish.” Melissa rolled her eyes and grabbed at my necklace. “She gave you her key?”
I sucked in a breath and pulled the key from her grip. “Yeah. The night I got hurt.”
“Pretty cool,” she said with a smile.
Cassie closed a drawer and yelled out, “Can we order dinner in? I’m starving. Unless you guys wanna go out? I’m sorta spent, to be honest, but I could rally.”
That was my girl, always putting everyone else’s wants and needs above her own. I knew she was exhausted after everything we’d been through, but she’d still go get all dolled up and head out for the night if that was what my brother and her best friend wanted to do.
I shot Dean a look that said I’d fucking kill him if he made her go out. Thank God he could read my mind.
“I’d rather stay in,” Dean called out while holding my gaze. “We can go out tomorrow. Is that okay with you?” He glanced at Melissa.
“I don’t care what we do. I’m comfortable right here.” She leaned her tiny body into his and sighed.
He winked at me, then shouted, “Order in!”
Note to self: Remind Dean to never fucking wink at me again.