‘Wow!’ said Katy.

As Annabel entered the living room, she felt her cheeks start to redden. Was that wow in a good way? Or wow as in bad? It had been so long since she’d hit the town, she didn’t have a clue what constituted the perfect Saturday night outfit these days. And while it felt good being all dressed up for a change, standing there in full make-up, a pair of high heels and tightly fitted black dress, she couldn’t help but think she might have gone a bit over the top.

‘You’re sure you don’t think it’s too much?’

‘Annabel,’ Katy replied. ‘You look amazing.’

Although reassuring to hear, Annabel still couldn’t relax. Embarking on a new chapter in life felt way scarier than it did exciting. Moreover, she knew if she thought about the evening ahead too much, she was in danger of backing out.

Still, with her attire concerns out of the way, at least she could now have a proper go at tackling her nerves. The first glass of wine might not have done the trick on the anxiety front, but Annabel was sure as dammit that the second one would. She indicated to the open bottle of red sat on the coffee table. ‘Drink?’ she asked.

Katy shook her head. ‘I’m driving remember. And besides, one of us has to make sure you don’t make a complete fool of yourself.’

Any other time and Annabel would have appreciated the honesty. But while the two of them had been friends long enough for her to know that Katy didn’t mean any malice, on this occasion a bit of support wouldn’t have gone amiss. This was a huge step she was about to take, by far the biggest since Tom’s death. And not only that, it wasn’t as if she’d simply sprung this on her; Katy had known about her plans for ages, giving her more than ample time to get her head around them.

‘Spoil sport,’ said Annabel, reaching for the bottle. ‘You don’t mind if I do though, do you? Dutch courage and all that.’ She poured herself one hell of a measure, managing to drink half of it down in one go.

‘Annabel!’

‘What?’ she replied. Meeting her friend’s horror with feigned innocence, the look on Katy’s face told her she was having none of it.

‘I really don’t think you should be doing this,’ she said.

‘Drinking alcohol, you mean?’ asked Annabel. ‘Or going out on the pull?’ She knew she sounded glib, but someone had to try and lift the atmosphere. A girls’ night out was meant to be fun after all.

Katy rolled her eyes, clearly still not in the joking mood.

‘Oh come on, lighten up. You’re the one who kept saying I should move on.’

‘Yes, but not like this.’

Feeling at a loss, Annabel took a seat on the sofa and poured herself another, more acceptably sized glass of wine. This time making sure to just sip it, she wished she was braver, that she had the guts to cut Katy loose for the night, absolving her best friend of her best friend duties. Regardless of any previous discussions, Katy obviously still thought she was losing the plot. But even with her bravado, Annabel couldn’t quite bring herself to go it alone. Instead, she found herself yet again trying to explain herself. She needed her friend to know this wasn’t some half-baked idea she’d come up with simply for the sake of it.

‘We talked about having kids,’ she said. ‘Tom wanted to start trying from day one but I kept putting it off.’

‘I remember,’ said Katy, with a smile. ‘What was it he used to say?’

Annabel began to smile too. ‘Something about the world needing a few more little Annabels and Toms running around the place.’

She thought back to when they first married. At the time, she might not have agreed with Tom on the baby front, but that hadn’t stopped them jumping into bed whenever they got the chance. Even now, she could hear the laughter in her husband’s voice as he joked about there being a knack to this pregnancy malarkey. Trying to keep a straight face, he often suggested they could do with the practice for when Annabel did feel ready to take the plunge. As if either of them needed the excuse. The two of them never could get enough of each other.

‘It wasn’t that I didn’t want children,’ she carried on. ‘I just thought we needed to be a bit more secure first. I mean, we had the mortgage on this place.’

Annabel looked around the room, recalling how happy they were at buying their first home together. In his excitement, Tom didn’t just carry her over the threshold. He carried her over each and every doorway in the house, both downstairs and up, only listening to her pleas to be put down once they had gotten to the bedroom. What she’d give to be able to turn back the clock.

‘Plus, we were trying to set up the business,’ she continued. ‘I kept insisting we had time on our side.’ She drank another mouthful of wine. ‘How wrong can a girl be, eh?’

‘You weren’t to know. No one was.’

‘That doesn’t stop me wishing I’d listened to him though, does it?’

‘But why now?’ asked Katy. ‘Bringing up a family is difficult enough without doing it on your own.’

Annabel scoffed. ‘And you’d know this how?’ Katy had to be the most child averse individual she knew. ‘Anyway, there are loads of single parents out there doing a fantastic job.’

‘I agree,’ said Katy. ‘But how many of them started out that way? How many are actually doing it through choice?’

Annabel fell silent. She twisted her wine glass backwards and forwards between the palms of her hands, she couldn’t deny that her friend had a point. Everyone knew someone who’d literally been left holding the baby. Either because, like hers, their husband had died, or he’d decided to be selfish and bugger off with the mistress. Women had left men to raise children on their own too. However, as much as Annabel felt for the difficulties these people faced, she couldn’t let their experiences stop her from becoming a mother.

‘I’ve been having this same dream for months now,’ she suddenly began. ‘Tom and I are at the park and we’re pushing this little child on the swings. I can’t see the child’s face, or tell you if it’s a boy or a girl. Everything’s sort of hazy. I just know it’s ours, mine and Tom’s.’ She felt herself automatically brighten as the dreamy images played out in her mind. ‘It’s such a beautiful day, I can feel the sun on my skin and the three of us are laughing and enjoying ourselves. And the child just wants to be pushed higher and higher.’ She turned to Katy. ‘When I’m in that dream it’s just so real. You know?’

Her friend’s face said it all. Of course she didn’t. Having never been in a relationship that lasted more than a few months, let alone married and widowed, how could she?

‘Then I wake up and I realise it isn’t real at all, which hurts to the point that I just want to go back to sleep so I can re-live it over and over again. Stupid, eh? You’d think after all this time.’

Katy reached out with a comforting hand, but Annabel didn’t want sympathy, she wanted understanding.

‘So, you see, even though I know dreams like this don’t come true, that I’ll never have Tom’s baby, at least by doing what I’m doing there’s a chance a part of it might happen.’ She stared at the photo of her husband sitting pride of place on the mantelpiece. ‘He always said I’d make a great mum and I think this dream is meant to tell me I still can be.’

Another look at Katy and she could see she was convincing no one. Maybe it was time to give up trying to explain.

‘You just don’t like children,’ said Annabel.

‘I do,’ said her friend. ‘It’s the responsibility that comes with them that I don’t want. Honestly, Annabel, why would you put yourself through this? What if it’s too big a step?’

Annabel understood the concern. When Tom died, she’d been barely able to function, and for someone who didn’t see the point in carrying on anymore, it had been a long and hard road back. At one point, she’d been barely able to look after herself. There was no way she could have considered caring for someone else, let alone a baby, and having seen her at her worst, she supposed it no wonder her nearest and dearest were worried. Maybe to them she was still fragile? In their shoes, she’d probably feel the same. But that was all in the past and Annabel felt ready to embrace the future, just not in the way everyone seemed to expect.

‘The doctor looked at me like that when I tried to talk to him about having a baby too,’ she said.

‘Really?’ replied Katy. ‘And that surprised you?’

Annabel recalled him trying to let her down gently. Lots of kind, amiable words were used, but the message was still the same—a big fat ‘no-chance’.

‘He said that, for all anyone knows, I’m perfectly able to conceive without medical intervention and that NHS treatment is for those who can’t. He was very nice about it, of course. Although he did add that now might not be the right time to be making these kinds of decisions. He thinks I’m still grieving.’

‘And are you?’

Annabel let out a burst of mock laughter. ‘Yes, of course I am. A bit of me always will be. Tom was my soul mate, I think about him every day. But, that doesn’t mean I can’t raise a child.’

‘Of course it doesn’t,’ said Katy.

At least they agreed on something.

‘Surely there are other ways though?’ she added. ‘Other avenues you could try first?’

‘I keep telling you there are,’ Annabel replied. ‘That’s why I went to see the doctor to begin with. There’s IUI, GIFT, IVF … but without the NHS and at thousands of pounds, where do you suggest I get that kind of money? Even if I donate a few eggs for some sort of discount I still couldn’t afford the reduced rates; not with what these private clinics charge. And no one can guarantee any of them would work first time around anyway, so what then?’

‘What about a sperm bank?’

Bless her, Annabel knew Katy was only trying to help, but she had done her research. On the other hand, she’d also done her sums and like most things in life, getting pregnant for a woman in her position came down to cold, hard cash.

‘Katy, I just can’t afford it. You’ve got to buy the stuff and get it shipped in these special containers and it still isn’t cheap. Especially if one month turns into the next and then the next. It all adds up. And what with prams and cots and everything else I’d have to buy for the baby once I am pregnant, I’d rather keep my savings for then. Believe me, this is my best option.’

‘Just not the safest.’

Of course, she was right, but having thought of that too, her friend didn’t really have to point out the obvious. ‘If you’re talking about STDs, then I’ve got it covered,’ she said. ‘I’ll just make sure any potential father gets tested before I even think about doing the deed.’

Her friend laughed. ‘You really think some random bloke is going to go for that?’

In this day and age, Annabel wished she could say yes, a man would want to make sure he was clean. However, the realist in her knew it was a longshot. But as far as Annabel was concerned everything about this whole thing was a challenge. ‘Maybe not,’ she said. ‘Time will tell, I suppose.’

Katy shook her head, clearly maintaining the view that Annabel was making a huge mistake and with the conversation going nowhere, it appeared they’d reached a stalemate.

Disappointed, Annabel couldn’t tell if it was her decision to get pregnant that Katy disagreed with, or just the way she planned on going about it. But, whatever the case, she knew it would take a lot more than her friend’s opinion to make her change her mind.

Annabel finished off her drink and rose to her feet. ‘Ready?’ she asked.

She watched Katy reluctantly reach for her handbag.

‘No, not really,’ she said. ‘But, seeing as you’re going to do this, with or without my blessing, it’s not like I really have a choice, is it?’