Chapter 17

Jake hadn’t moved and still leaned against the bar. I walked up to the bar, a few people away from him. I took in several deep breaths, trying to psych myself up. I stood between two parents talking loudly about winning a trip to a palazzo in Italy. I watched as Steve Rojas tried to order a cocktail and the bartender carded him. The two men stopped talking about the Italian palace and started complaining about punk kids. I moved farther away from them.

“What can I get for you?” the bartender had to yell at me. The music was really loud.

“Oh, uh, I’ll just have a ginger ale.”

I tapped my fingers against the bar in time to the beat. I tried to sneak a look at Jake out of the corner of my eye, but my mask got in the way. I turned my head slightly to the right to see him.

He scanned the room. He was definitely looking for someone.

Could it be me?

I felt lightheaded and a little queasy, and my palms were sweaty. But it wasn’t from my cold.

The bartender offered me my drink, and I took it gratefully. Having something in my hand made me feel better. The ginger ale soothed my throat as the bubbles fizzed and popped.

My phone vibrated, and I pulled it out of my black clutch. Ella had sent me a text message that said, “Good luck!” I looked around, but didn’t see her. She could obviously see me, though. Which wouldn’t be too hard considering that in these heels I was ten feet tall.

I put the phone down on the bar just as someone came up on my right and stood way too close to me. The person encroaching on my personal space? Scott Martin. I tried to move as far away from him as I could without drawing attention to myself.

“Hey. How you doing?”

Was he actually talking to me? I looked behind me and didn’t see anyone else looking at him.

“Excuse me? Are you talking to me?”

He looked me up and down, which was just as repulsive as it sounds. Then he leaned in close so that I could hear him better. “Yeah. You want to get out of here?”

“With you?” I clarified.

He nodded and gave me a leering grin.

I wished Mercedes could see him now. “Don’t you have a girlfriend?” I shouted.

“I don’t see a girlfriend here, do you?” He moved even closer to me, and I tried not to shudder. He ran a finger down my bare arm. “I have a room upstairs.”

Ugh. I jerked my arm away. “Not even if you were the last man on earth and had Chris Evans’s face.”

His expression turned ugly, and he loudly called me a choice name before walking away.

I should have been angry. Scott was the one who put that horrible line in Jake’s speech. He was a disgusting jerk. But I wasn’t angry. Instead I felt a giddy hope. The encounter had made me believe that this could actually work. Scott hadn’t recognized me and had even hit on me, which admittedly made me feel like I needed to shower for a week, but it might mean that Jake wouldn’t recognize me either.

The music stopped, and there was a spotlight on the makeshift stage at the top of the room. Ms. Rathbone stepped up to the DJ’s microphone. “Attention, everyone. If everyone will please sit, it is time to announce the winners of our student government election, and then we will crown our masquerade ball king and queen.”

A dull roar broke out as the dancing couples made their way back to their tables. This was my chance. I wanted to talk to Jake before the announcement was made. Either way, I had to know the truth.

He had his arm propped up on the bar and was still looking around the room. I stood next to him, playing with the straw in my ginger ale. I waited for him to notice me. To say something. He turned back in my direction, and I could feel his gaze lingering on me. I smiled at him, and he smiled back. I took that as my invitation to break the ice.

I’d never tried to get a boy to notice me this way before. I didn’t know what to say. “Wanna make out?” seemed just a tad forward and desperate. I wished the earlier Scott method of just standing there and getting hit on would work again.

Ms. Rathbone started rattling off the winners’ names for some of the lesser offices. I had to speak a little louder than normal to make myself heard. “Can I buy you a drink?”

His head turned slowly toward me. “It’s an open bar, I’m underage, and I don’t drink.”

He spoke so dismissively. I don’t even know why I’d said it. Obviously it was an open bar. I was holding a free drink in my hand. And I knew he didn’t drink. It was part of his whole I’m-an-athlete-and-my-body-is-a-temple thing he had going on. (It was a temple I would really enjoy worshipping at, I might add.) I had thought it would sound sophisticated and seductive. Instead it was just stupid. Especially since I didn’t ever drink either.

But maybe that would work in my favor. Mattie knew Jake didn’t drink. Exotic me didn’t. It might throw him off track.

I tried again. “I’m, um . . .” My mind seriously went blank. I couldn’t even think of a fake name. So I said the first thing that popped into my head. “I’m Tilly. What’s your name?” I had to hope that Ella had never called me Tilly in front of Jake. She had usually been pretty careful ever since I’d made an enormous deal out of her slipping up when we were eleven.

“Jake.” He turned to look at me, and it was disconcerting. He had just sort of glanced at me before, but now he looked at me like he knew me. “Have we met before?”

“I don’t think so,” I said. I still felt bad about the lying thing. But I had to know. He turned his gaze away from me again.

“Do you want to dance?” Another stupid question, considering there was no music playing. I wanted to kick myself.

“I’m sorry,” he said, not bothering to even look at me. “I’m looking for someone. She should have been here by now.”

My heart leaped in anticipation. Ella was right. Jake was looking for me.

“There she is. Excuse me.”

My mouth dropped open as I watched him make his way through the crowd. He had blown cute, hot me off for old me. Ella was right! But wait. How could that be if I was standing right next to him? Did he think he had spotted me? Could there actually be someone else here who would somewhat resemble me as I ordinarily looked? People stepped aside, and with a sinking heart, I saw where he was heading.

Straight to Ella in her shiny dress.

Of course. Mercedes was right. My mom was right. I was so used to disappointment where Jake was concerned that I didn’t feel nearly as devastated as I’d expected to. I mean, I still wanted a black hole to spontaneously form and swallow me whole. I wanted never to go back to school again. I would probably go home, lie on the bathroom floor, and cry for hours. But it hadn’t quite hit me yet. I felt numb.

I hated that Mercedes was right. I hated that Jake had played me and that he was in love with Ella. I hated that I had fallen for his act like a completely clueless moron.

“And I am pleased to announce the winner of the race for student council president. It was extremely close, but our winner is . . . Mattie Lowe!”

A cheer went up from the audience, but all I could see was Jake towering over Ella, and her smiling up at him. My heart hurt.

“Where is Mattie? Ms. Lowe? Give us a wave!”

I couldn’t stand there all night staring at both of them.

I found the closest exit and let myself through the doors. Fortunately, they led straight outside, and I gulped in the cold night air. I ripped off my stupid heels and walked to the parking lot.

I couldn’t even be happy that I’d won.

Because while I had won the presidency, I had lost the boy.

* * *

I had the valet call me a cab. Once I got home, I threw my shoes on the floor and unzipped my dress. I realized that I still had my mask on. I ripped it off and heard the little beads bouncing on the floor. In the kitchen I found my dad’s secret Ben & Jerry’s stash and took a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough back to my room.

I sat in the middle of my bed and wiped my tearstained cheeks with the back of my hand.

I wondered how anyone could be so pathetic. I didn’t even want to eat my ice cream. I looked over at my sketchbook and picked it up. I put it back down. I didn’t even want to draw, and I had never been that depressed before. I just wanted to cry more.

So I did.

I didn’t know how many hours passed before I heard the front door slam. I hadn’t bothered to turn on the lights and was lying in the dark, crying and berating myself for having been such an idiot.

“Tilly!” Ella sounded furious.

I didn’t answer. She stormed into my room, throwing on the light. “What happened?”

Like she didn’t know. Like she hadn’t flirted with Jake and smiled at him like he was the only guy in the room. Not that I could really blame her. He had been her boyfriend. I wondered what had happened with Trent. Wondered if he was hurting as much as I was. I should call him. But I hoped that if I just stayed still, maybe she’d think I was asleep and leave me alone.

No chance of that. She came around to the opposite side of the bed so she could see my face. “I’m waiting.”

“Jake didn’t want me.” I said dully.

“Duh, that was the entire point.”

I sat up. “No, I mean he didn’t want Mattie. He told me that he was looking for someone. And then he saw you and the crowd parted like he was Moses and they were the Red Sea and you had your little perfect moment there in the middle of the dance floor.”

She looked incredulous. “Are you serious?”

I nodded.

She picked up one of my pillows and started smacking me with it. “For someone so smart, you can be so dumb.”

Yes, I knew this. It was what I had been crying about for the last few hours.

She dropped the pillow on the ground. “He came up to me because he was looking for you, you big idiot. We were both looking for you and couldn’t find you. I called you and called you to tell you.”

“What?” I was so tired of my emotional Jake roller coaster. I didn’t have any desire to get back on. But Ella made me hope.

“Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

I realized that I didn’t have my purse or my phone. “I think I left it on the bar at the dance.”

She sat down sadly on my bed. “Why can’t you believe in yourself, Tilly? Why can’t you see what an awesome person you are? Because everyone else can.”

My tears welled up again at the defeated tone in her voice. I was not awesome or amazing. Deep down, I knew that I was basically unlikable and unlovable. It made sense that I would feel that way—my own mom didn’t even love me. How could that not affect me? How could I ever see myself as anything other than a rejected loser?

“Because it’s easier to believe the bad stuff.”

“Jake likes you. He told me. He was going to tell you. And you ran away. Why?”

“I just couldn’t believe that he would ever like me. Even all dressed up I still felt like a fraud. Like nothing with me is real.”

“It is very real.” She let out a long sigh. “I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed.”

I wanted to stop her, call her back and have her convince me that she was right and I was wrong.

But I didn’t say anything.

Because it was time for me to make up my own mind. I had let myself be caught up in everyone else’s opinions. Who cared what my mom thought? What Mercedes Bentley thought? I realized all the power I had given them over me. I’d let them control me. Ella was always saying how strong I was—but I was weak enough to let mean people push me around and alter my perceptions. I’d let them interfere with the one thing I had wanted more than anything else since I was nine years old. I had let them take it away from me without a fight.

What if I could conquer all my stupid insecurities? What if I could shut out every other voice, including my own scared one, and just let things be?

I thought of the past couple of weeks. Of all the times I’d talked to Jake.

Without all the other sounds in my head, I could see what had really been.

Jake hadn’t lied to me. He was interested in me. He had tried to kiss me. He had taken me on a date. He had wanted to be with me at the dance tonight.

And I had been horrible and confusing and mean to him. What must he think of me? I knew how awful it made me feel when he was mean and angry at me.

What was wrong with me?

I’d had my one shot with him, and I had totally destroyed it.

I lay back down and stared up at my ceiling, too sad and tired to even get up and turn off the light.

Ella came back in my room a little while later, dressed in her pajamas. “I just got a text from you.”

“From me?”

“From your phone. It’s from Jake.”

My hand shook as I took her phone. “How does he have my phone?”

“I told him what you looked like at the dance. He must have gone back to the bar and found it.”

So despite his cool act, he had noticed me. I must have caught his eye. But he didn’t make a move on me like Scott had. Because he wanted Mattie.

I clicked on the message.

 

Ella told me everything. Please come over and let me explain.

 

“You told him everything?” My voice got high pitched.

“Yeah, I did.” Her eyes flashed at me. “I know how stubborn you are, and Jake doesn’t deserve to miss out on the chance to really know you. Because you are incredible, Tilly Lowe. You deserve to be happy too. I really think you and Jake could work out. You guys need to talk. Let him tell you himself how he feels. And this time, believe what he says.”

She turned to go, but turned around, her arms crossed. “You can be as mad at me as you want, because I would do it all over again.”

She left her phone with me. Probably so I could answer him.

What should I say? Sorry for tricking you? Sorry for not listening to you? For not believing in you? For letting stupid people control me? I texted him back.

 

It’s too late.

 

After I’d pushed send, I realized how that sounded. I meant it was too late at night, not that it was too late for us to have a possible relationship. So I sent a follow-up.

 

Tomorrow, maybe?

 

A few seconds later I had my answer.

 

I will see you tomorrow.