Donovan pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it to the floor as we stepped into his bedroom. I’d noticed countless times over the years how his back muscles bulged and rippled. Each time had sent a spike of lust through me, but I’d always stuffed it away. For a heartbeat, I did the same thing this time. Then I realized what I was doing. I didn’t have to stuff it away any longer. I took in the sight of his back, enjoying his masculine grace, as he walked over to the bedside lamp and turned it on. He was the same Donovan I’d known for so long, yet he looked brand-new. The entire world of possibilities that I’d done my best not to consider was laid out before me.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.”

He turned around slowly, wonder written over his features. I hadn’t meant to say it, but the way he looked at me, made me want to say it a million more times.

“So are you.”

I allowed my gaze to travel over his body, the pronounced muscles of his shoulders and arms. His rugged, scruffy chest and abs. He was so fucking manly. Beautiful and so utterly male. Suddenly I wanted to keep my clothes on. “I… uhm… started waxing my chest when I went back to the gym.” Shit, I hadn’t meant to say that either.

He let out a little laugh. “Yeah, I’ve noticed.” His smile shifted, obviously realizing how I felt. Maybe because he was a good therapist or maybe because I was just that obvious. Donovan crossed the room again, reached out, and gripped my tie. Instead of pulling me to him like he had before, he began to loosen it and slide it from my neck. His gaze held mine the entire time. “Don’t forget that I’ve seen you without a shirt on for years. You’re gorgeous now that you’re muscled and smooth and have a six-pack. And you were just as gorgeous when you were burly, hairy, and had that dad belly. However you want to mix and match those features, count me in.” By the time he finished speaking, my tie was on the floor and he was unbuttoning my shirt.

Before our divorce, Erica had been after me for years to lose the weight. It was a revelation that Donovan found me sexy either way. I allowed my insecurity to fade, instead refocusing on him. I’d wanted him for too long to allow any superficial worries to dampen this. The shower had been amazing—hot, sexy, and frenzied. But this, this was a different thing. It was clear we were both choosing each other in this moment. And despite my protest that I wasn’t a virgin, I felt like one. Both terrified that I wouldn’t know what to do, and ready to simply let my body take over and do what it had craved for as long as I could remember.

As he finished unbuttoning my shirt, I began unbuckling his belt and then his pants. Donovan placed his hands inside the fabric, running them over my chest and up over my shoulders. I had to release my hold on his pants as he slid my shirt and jacket down and off my arms. As he did, he leaned closer and ran his tongue over my collarbone, and I heard him breathe deep. Then he sighed.

With my arms free, I began to work on my own belt and pants, releasing them and pulling them down within seconds.

Donovan chuckled and whispered against my skin. “We don’t have to rush.”

“Actually, I think we might.”

His gaze darted to mine, and I looked down between us. He followed the motion and chuckled again. As he spoke, he lowered himself to his knees. “I love how much you precome, and I love that you’re already twitching.”

Before I could respond, he licked up my cock, from the base of my balls, up the shaft and then over the head, cleaning off every trail of precome, only to elicit more. He captured the head of my cock in his mouth and spun his tongue around again before taking me in deep.

The feel of him sucking me off was even better than in the shower, without the sensations from the spray distracting me from what he was doing. I looked down. His black-and-silver hair glistened in the dim lighting. The solid muscles of his shoulders flexed as he gripped my hips and bobbed his head. The combination of the sight and feel of him was too much, and I knew I wouldn’t last. He dipped again and the scruff of his chin scratched against my inner thigh.

I gripped his shoulders and pushed him off. “Please don’t make me come. If you’re wanting me inside of you and expect me to stay hard with a condom, then don’t have me use my load yet.”

His eyes widened, and his pupils dilated. “I’ve wanted you inside me for so long.” He stood and began removing his own pants. His curving erection jutted upward the minute it was released.

I took hold of it, running my thumb over the tip, encircling the base with my fingers. With my other hand, I cupped his heavy balls, loving the weight of them. For a heartbeat, I was disappointed. I wanted to feel him inside of me. Know what it would be like to be taken by a man. For that man to be Donovan. I was relieved a bit as well. I wanted it, but it scared me a little. More than a little. My voice trembled, giving me away. “Are you sure you’re okay having me inside you. Will you hurt?”

“I like both. Honestly, it’s been a little while since I bottomed. But if it hurts, it’ll only be for a little bit.” As he spoke, his hands ran over my body, as his gaze held mine. The touch of his fingers lighting a fire over me, bringing to life every molecule that he touched. “There’s no rush to change positions, Spencer. There is no expectation for you to bottom, ever, if you don’t want to.”

“I want to.” The words burst forth from me too quickly for me to play off as anything other than nearly desperate.

Another chuckle, both dark and lustful. “Good. We’ll go slow when you decide the time is right. I’ll do my best to make sure it’s pleasurable for you.”

I nearly told him to do it now. To get it over with. But the thought scared me a little too much, and I did want to be inside Donovan. Even that thought scared me, though it had nothing to do with possible pain.

One thing at a time.

“Can I be inside you now? If we wait much longer, I’m either going to blow my load too early or chicken out.”

He hesitated. “Are you sure you want this? If you’re thinking about chickening out…. There’s really no rush.”

Me and my big mouth. I increased stroking his dick. “I’m very sure. I might be nervous, but I’m very sure.” I pulled on his cock, like he had my tie earlier. Just because I was nervous didn’t mean I needed to be a passive scaredy-cat. And I wanted him to know just how much I really desired him. I thought back to the language I’d heard in some of the hookups I’d had in the city, even though they hadn’t gone all that far. Remembered the porn I’d watched, the kind I’d liked. I pulled on his dick again. “Let me fuck you, Donovan. Now.”

He moaned and trembled, actually trembled.

Okay, so he liked that. So did I. Even if I wasn’t as confident as I tried to make my voice sound. I let go of his dick. “Go to the bed.” I might not have fucked a guy before, but I wasn’t a virgin. Time to quit acting like one.

Donovan flinched in surprise, but his smile grew excited. He walked over to the bed. “How do you want me?”

Again, I thought back to the porn I liked the most. It hadn’t been on the bed. “On the floor actually, on your hands and knees.” Maybe I was pushing things too far.

He glanced at me, eyebrows raised, surprise still written over his face, but clearly turned on. He grabbed a bottle of lube and a couple condoms from the bedside table, and laid them on the bed without a word. Then he did as I asked, and got down on his hands and knees.

This wasn’t how I pictured my first time with Donovan. And even though it had been wrong, I’d pictured my first time with Donovan many times over the years. Most of those fantasies had involved him taking the lead. And many of them had more of a romantic feel than fucking on the floor. But for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to do that. It seems scarier, and more likely for me to mess it up. This, I was pretty sure I could do. And it appeared he liked being told what to do. That part didn’t surprise me too much. “Show me.”

Donovan didn’t hesitate, he arched his back, and in so doing, his cheeks spread naturally and revealed his entrance. His large balls hung low between his legs. At the sight, I didn’t have to think about what they did in porn anymore to know what to do next. I closed the distance between us and got on my own hands and knees and licked. Flattening my tongue against his heavy balls and licking over them, up the crease to his hole. He hissed and his body tensed, his entrance tightened against the sensitive skin of my tongue. I lapped at him again and he called out.

Sure enough, instinct took over. I gripped his asscheeks and squeezed. The hours he spent climbing and running had made his ass tight, hard, and round. I marveled at the feel of him beneath my hands. He was just as hot as every fantasy I’d had. Tentatively, I pressed the tip of my tongue against his hole. Uttering a strangled noise, he pushed back against me, opening to me, and I shoved my tongue a little more, letting it dart inside.

“Fuck, Spencer, fuck!” Donovan rocked slightly, forcing my tongue in deeper. The heat in his voice drove me wild. I spread his cheeks wider and shoved my tongue in him as deep as it would go. He clenched, and it almost hurt. He was so goddamned tight.

Suddenly, I was aware that my cock was twitching, even without being touched. I straightened, still gripping his asscheeks, but moving away from his hole. For a split second, I wondered what to do next, but I shoved that aside, once again relying on a mix of what I’d seen in porn and on instinct. Releasing his ass, I reached over and grabbed the condom and ripped it open.

Donovan looked over his shoulder. “Yeah?”

I nodded, unable to make words come.

“Fuck, yes.” And even as he looked at me, he arched farther. “Put lube on me first.”

I nodded, and rolled the condom over my dick. Then snagged the lube bottle and poured some over my fingers. Strangely, I hesitated before I touched his hole again. Maybe actually realizing what I was getting ready to do. I was finally going to be inside Donovan.

I couldn’t think about it. It was too much. Tentatively, I gave a testing sweep with my thumb over his entrance. Donovan hissed in pleasure, and I did it again. Then the nerves left me. I dipped the tip of my finger inside and felt him squeeze. “Holy shit, Donovan. Can’t believe how tight you are.”

“I told you, it’s been a while.” His voice was barely more than a whisper, but his desire was clear.

I pushed in another finger, causing him to whimper. I wondered how many sounds I could cause him to make. I marveled at the feel of him around my fingers, the warmth of him, the tightness. I hadn’t even done this much with anyone else. At some point, I wanted to do this longer, see how many fingers I could get in, discover what motions caused which reactions. But even with the condom, my cock continued to scream for attention. I withdrew my fingers and got more lube. “You ready?”

“Fuck, yes!” He arched back again.

I couldn’t help but chuckle. I loved how much he wanted me, and I loved that he didn’t mind showing it. I spread the lube over my sheathed cock, and stood. I straddled either side of his legs with mine, and then bent slightly, using my hand to line up my dick with his hole. Lowering myself, I pressed the tip into him.

Though Donovan hissed, he didn’t pull away. “Slow, remember.”

“Yeah.” With the head of my cock inside him, I released my erection, and placed one hand on the bed to steady myself, and gripped his hips with the other. And then slowly pushed. It was agonizingly, deliciously slow. Every centimeter farther I went in, Donovan tightened again, and made a new noise. His ass was so tight that I couldn’t tell if it felt good or hurt. At each contraction of his muscles squeezing around me, I gave a little thrust.

Donovan cried out and clenched even tighter. “Hold on.” He took several deep breaths, letting them out shakily. “Let me do this part, okay? It’s been a while, like I said, and you’re not exactly tiny.”

I wasn’t quite sure what he meant, but I went with it. “Sure.”

He took another breath or two, and I felt the grip around my cock relax. And then he pushed back, slowly enveloping the rest of my shaft inside of him.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I breathed out in wonder. “Holy fuck.”

“You okay?”

Was I okay? Had I ever been more okay? “Hell yes, I’m okay. This is amazing.” Watching my cock sliding into him was one of the hottest things I’d ever seen.

He chuckled again, pleased. He arched one more time, pressing the root of me hard against him. He took another breath and then relaxed further. “Okay, thanks, I’m good now.”

It took me a second to realize what he meant, but then I released the bed and gripped both sides of his hips. I withdrew slightly, slowly, still marveling at the sight of me inside him. And then I pushed back in. I quit looking, closed my eyes and allowed myself to get carried away by the sensation of being inside his body. I thrust slowly at first, reveling at the warmth and the feel of him around me. My God, if it was like this with the condom, I couldn’t even imagine how amazing it would be to truly feel him against my skin. Within moments, my languid thrusts turned frenzied. And I built up a rhythm, smooth and fast. Donovan cried out a little louder with every thrust in. He steadied himself on one hand to begin to pump his cock with his other.

“I’m not going to last long, Spencer. But even when I come, don’t stop.”

Even the condom wasn’t slowing down my own climax. “I’m not going to last either.”

“Good.”

I felt the orgasm build, but it wasn’t good. Not good at all. A picture of what I’d envisioned for my first time with Donovan flitted through my mind. And this wasn’t it, as good as it was, as hot as it was, this wasn’t it. I pulled out quickly and stood.

Donovan cried out, this time sounding a little bit more like pain. He looked around again. “What’s wrong?”

I felt stupid suddenly. I should’ve kept going. I was being a sentimental idiot. I shook my head.

“What’s wrong?” This time he sounded worried, and he pushed himself up, then stood. “Are you okay? You want to stop?”

I shook my head. “I’m sorry, I’m being stupid.”

His expression darkened, and he narrowed his eyes. “You’re feeling guilty? I should’ve—”

“What?” I shook my head more vehemently, realizing his meaning. “No, not at all. I just…. It probably sounds stupid….” There was no need to start lying now. “This isn’t what I pictured for our first time. Not the… ah… position.”

Donovan shoulders sagged in relief and a smile played on his lips. “Oh? What did you picture?”

Again I had to remind myself that I didn’t need to lie, not to him. “Something a little less like a porn, I suppose.”

His smile bloomed fully at that. He stepped closer and placed his hand behind my neck. “Me too, actually.” He kissed me, pressing his body into mine, our erections smashing into each other. His kiss was sweet and gentle. His tongue traced my lips, and I opened to him, allowing him inside. Then he pulled back. He looked nervous and something else I couldn’t name. His voice was quiet and trembled slightly. “I know I shouldn’t say this, I don’t want to scare you, and I’m sure it’s too soon. But on the other hand, it feels like I’ve wanted to say it for so long that I can’t hold back anymore.” He swallowed, glanced away, then looked back into my eyes. “I love you. I know there’s still lots of things to learn about each other and I have no idea how this will go, but I know that I love you. I have loved you even though I’ve tried so hard not to.”

Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew his words should terrify me. That they should send me running and screaming from the room. Instead, they covered every fear, every worry, and every insecurity. This was how I envisioned our first time. Because as arousing as Donovan was, that had always only been part of the picture. The secret I held deeper than any other was not only that I wanted his body, but that I loved him with my entire soul. I slid a hand into his, and even I marveled at the clarity and surety in my words. “I love you too, Donovan. And you’re right, I have no idea how this plays out. But I know that I’m going to do whatever I have to do to finally have you. Really have you.”

He let out a long breath, and his lips moved silently, and he leaned back in and kissed me once more.

Then, there were no more thoughts of porn or positions needed. I pushed against him again, turning him slightly so he hit the edge of his bed with the back of his knees, and we sank onto the mattress. As our kiss continued, his legs encircled my back, and as if it had done so a million times, my hand lowered and guided my cock to his ass once more, and I pushed inside.

Donovan sucked in a breath, breathing me in through his kiss as surely as he took me inside of his body. And then we moved, within a couple thrusts, we were in sync. His body arching as I partially withdrew, then thrusting down as I pushed back in. One of his hands gripped the muscles of my shoulder as his other snaked between us and encircled his dick. Never breaking the kiss or the rhythm, I shifted up just enough to give him room.

Those few minutes felt like hours, like an eternity. We’d waited for so long. I had waited for so long, never really believing I could have any of this, that I could have him. But there we were. Our lips together, his skin against mine. My body claiming his, or maybe the other way around. For those hours, minutes, or heartbeats, our entire existence swirled around that instant. My past, and my future, leading up to, and altering, from this moment on.

He cried out into my mouth as his orgasm jetted between us, and he tightened exquisitely around my dick. It was all I could take, and I came—came so strong that I wouldn’t have been surprised if it had ripped through the condom. I thrust a couple more times and then pressed into him and held still, locking us together. I pulled back from the kiss simply because I needed to breathe. Donovan looked up at me, panting. I could see the question in his eyes, and I recognized it because I was feeling it myself. But his worry resolved any answer I needed. I smiled down at him. “That was even better than I dreamed. I can’t wait to do it again.” I supported my weight on one elbow and cupped his face. “And I love you.” Then I kissed him again.