“Oh my God!” I shout and throw open the door.

Pritchard is on my heels but I don’t wait for him as I sprint into the darkness. Mud sucks at my boots with every step I take but I press on.

What the hell was that? Who would have a gun out here?

Xavier. Xavier has a gun.

Did a wolf or bear get close to one of the horses? But I would have thought in a storm they’d hole up, not come near a house. Unless they got their directions all screwed up and—

As I get closer to the stable, I hear the most bone-chilling noise.

It’s a scream, but not human.

It’s a horse.

I run even faster. I throw open the barn door. The lights are on and all the horses are stomping madly, but Xavier’s not there. The opposite door is open, though, and slanting sheets of rain pour into the stable.

I sprint through the barn, the light making me squint after the darkness, wiping water off my forehead. Only to hit the wall of water once I burst out the other side.

The horrible horse scream greets me again once I exit the stable, and that’s when I see a sight that will forever haunt me.

Not fifteen feet in front of me is Xavier facing off with Samson, holding a pistol straight out in front of him while Samson rears up on his hind legs.

“No!” I scream and run forward.

I’m not sure if I mean for Xavier not to shoot the horse or for Samson not to land and trample Xavier.

Either way, Xavier looks over at me and his entire demeanor changes. He lowers the pistol and races toward me.

“What the hell are you doing?” He shouts, shoving me behind him as he faces Samson. I can barely hear him above the rain. “Get back in the house.”

“What’s going on?” I shout back. “Why do you have a gun?”

Samson rears up once more and then settles, stamping and shuffling backward. It’s only then that I see Sugar moving along the side of the pasture fence not far away and—is she limping?

What the hell happened out here? Did Samson hurt her?

Xavier keeps his body between me and Samson, all the while facing the horse. With one arm on me, he shuffles us backward toward the barn, with the other, he lifts the gun at Samson again, jaw like iron.

When Samson takes a step toward us, he cocks the gun.

“Stop it!” I shout, grabbing his arm holding the gun. He immediately lowers it and turns on me, lifting me over his shoulder and walking briskly for the barn.

As soon as he gets me inside, he puts me down on my feet.

“Don’t you ever put our baby in harm’s way like that again!” he shouts at me. “What the fuck were you thinking? Are you a fucking idiot? How many times have I told you not to approach a horse when they are upset or you aren’t in control of the situation? That horse could have killed you both!”

I stand tall and strong in front of him even though he towers over me and is screaming at the top of his considerable lungs. “Put the gun down,” I say calmly.

It’s only then that he realizes he’s been waving a loaded gun at me while he rants. He freezes and I can see the absolute horror as it hits him.

It’s like he just shuts down.

An inhuman calmness takes over.

He lowers the weapon and uncocks it, then clicks the safety on and puts it in the back of his pants. We’re both soaking and breathing hard but suddenly his breaths even out like he flipped some kind of switch.

“I should have gelded Samson as soon as I got him on the property. Keeping him as a stallion for even a few months was a foolhardy and sentimental decision.” He speaks in such a monotone that he sounds like a robot. “He broke out of his paddock and mated with Sugar, injuring her in the process. I should have foreseen something like this happening. I failed her just like I failed so many before.”

“Xavier,” I start but he cuts me off.

“It’s not safe for you to stay here.”

“What?” I exclaim. “That’s ridiculous, we’ll get Samson gelded and—”

He gives a hard, decisive shake no. “The problem isn’t Samson. It’s me. I fail those who rely on me. And the consequences…” His jaw goes tight and his sight distant like he’s seeing something far beyond the stable. After a moment he refocuses. “I thought with this place… If I could just control enough factors, if I could train them correctly from the start…”

He looks around at the stable and for the briefest moment I think I see longing enter his eyes before they go dead again. “But no. First Hellfire. Now Sugar. I’ll always fail them.” Then he looks at me. “God forbid anyone entrust a human to me. It was bad enough that I already endangered you and the baby when I cut out after Hellfire.” He shakes his head. “Leaving you to do all the work, you could have lost the baby, but did I even consider that? No.” His eyes are darting everywhere. Unfocused. “You’ll leave with my father tonight.”

My mouth drops open. “I will not.” I laugh out a disbelieving scoff. “You’re insane if you think I’ll—”

Suddenly he’s whipped the gun out again, only this time he’s pointing it at his own head.

“Xavier!” I scream.

He unclicks the safety and cocks it. “I’m having a hard-enough time believing I deserve to be in this world at all. I should have died that day in Afghanistan. Those men were killed right in front of me because of something I caused. It should have been me.”

“Xavier, stop it! Put the gun down! We’re going to have a baby,” I cry. Tears pour down my cheeks. Oh God, how can he be saying these things? How can the man who’s stronger than anyone else I know believe this of himself?

“I can’t hurt anyone else,” he whispers, desperation entering his voice. For a brief moment, I can see the man I love breaking through this deadened façade he’s trying to portray. “Especially not you or our baby.”

“Give me the gun, Xavier.” I try to swallow my tears. “We had a fucked-up start, okay? I’m not going to romanticize it. You bringing me here like you did was majorly fucked up.”

He nods like I’m making his point for him. I shake my head vehemently. “But getting to know you, to love you—it’s been the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” I can see in the way his eyes shutter and his face closes down that I’m losing him again so I press on.

“I always thought that submission meant weakness. I grew up thinking the only way I’d make it in the world was on my own because no one was ever going to help me, not even my own father. I never believed I could belong anywhere. I had to be strong on my own terms, always, 24/7. I could never let my guard down for even a second.”

I take a step toward him when I see what looks like the slightest bit of hesitation on his face. Am I getting through to him? Oh God, please let him hear me. “Do you know how exhausting living that way was? I didn’t even realize it until you started breaking down my walls and showing me a different way.” I have to make him understand. He has to understand. “You showed me how lonely and empty a life is without real connection. We’re wired to connect. But that’s only possible if we open ourselves up to trust. And God,” tears course down my cheeks, “that was so goddamned terrifying, I fought you tooth and nail every step of the way. Making myself vulnerable enough to trust you? To trust anyone? After what my mother did to me? Or even Dad, how he pushed me away my whole life, even though he thought it was for my own good? You gave me the gift of learning how to trust. And now I’ll be able to pass that on to our son or daughter.”

“Don’t come any closer,” Xavier says, blinking rapidly. His hand holding the gun starts to shake so badly I’m terrified he’ll accidentally pull the trigger. “You’re stronger than me. You always were. I knew it from the start.” His voice is strained, like every word is gutting him. At least I’m not talking to a zombie anymore.

I shake my head, taking another step toward him. “I’m sorry I didn’t see how much you’ve been hurting. We can work through this. You have to trust me now.”

“Stay back!” he yells, his eyes wide and neck so taut with tension all the veins are standing out. “I hurt everyone around me. I swore I’d protect you! And I will. Even if it’s from myself.”

Oh my God— “No! Okay, give me the gun and I’ll go.” Something is seriously wrong with Xavier. And it’s bigger than me or logic or maybe even love, a poison that’s been warping his perception of himself and the world ever since what happened in Afghanistan. Right now the only priority is to get that gun away from him. “I’ll go with your father. We’ll leave. Okay? Just give me the gun. I can’t leave without knowing you’re going to be okay.”

Behind Xavier, I see his father step forward from behind the horse stalls. He raises a finger over his lips as he approaches his son from the back.

“I’m doing what you wanted,” I try to soothe. “I’ll go. But you have to give me the gun. I won’t leave unless you give me the gun.”

His dad is almost to him. Just a little bit closer…

Xavier shakes his head rapidly back and forth and I see tears forming at the edges of his eyes. “You and the baby have to be safe. From me. This is the only way.” His finger twitches on the trigger.

“Xavier, no!” I shout.

His dad lurches forward in the same moment as the shot rings out.