Sam sat on the floor in the nursery with India snuggled up against her. She felt calm even though she wasn’t sure if the antidepressants could have kicked in so soon. It would surely take longer than ten days, but she felt better already. It was admitting that she was terrified of the darkness, terrified of falling into a hole of depression – that’s what Joanne said.
Ted had taken that first week off and was there to take care of India so that Sam could sleep. Whenever he could, and when he thought Sam wasn’t looking, he researched post-natal depression on the internet. She noticed it on his browsing history, and even though she could barely summon up the energy to shower each day, she wanted to dance with love for him.
‘You need healthy foods, no junk,’ he said gravely, coming home from the shops with what looked like the entire health food section in bags.
‘You setting up a restaurant?’ asked Joanne, who was there to babysit. Ted was keen that Sam had company in case she felt any sense of fear or loneliness returning. Sometimes it was Joanne, sometimes it was Liam, who had been asked – by Sam – not to mention her current problems to her mother.
‘It’s nothing to do with you taking care of India,’ Ted had said, holding on to her shoulders, determined to reassure her. ‘You are the best mother in the world. India adores you and you are far better with her than I am. You are a natural mother.’ He said those words a lot. ‘But you need us around you, loving you.’
‘A health food restaurant, yes,’ Ted joked back. ‘I’m going to whip up some nourishing chicken soup – it’s not called Jewish Penicillin for nothing. My pal, Levi, swears by it. Cake. Yes, lemon and poppy seed cake. It’s a Mary Berry recipe.’
Sam perked up. ‘You’ve never baked before.’
Ted beamed at her. ‘You always say that if you can read, you can cook, right? Well, I can read—’
Sam and Joanne laughed so hard at the notion of Ted baking that the dogs began barking and India woke up.
‘I’ll go,’ said Joanne.
Sam laid a hand on her sister’s arm. ‘No, let me. I’m good. When I’m not so good, I’ll say so, but I’m not an invalid. I want to take care of my baby.’
And she did.
Now, Sam looked down at India with absolute adoration.
‘Mummy will mind you, take care of you and tickle you,’ she said, doing more little tickles and India gurgled back. The sound filled Sam with love and, more than that, a feeling of trust.
As Joanne had advised, she’d abandoned all the baby books but one sensible one.
There were no insane routines, no hint in the writing that if the reader did not do everything exactly as it was written, they would fail. It was more of a: babies are tougher than you think. You parents are brighter than you think. You will actually figure it out. But here are some tips.
‘It’s a pity there aren’t more funny guides to how to be a mummy, isn’t it?’ Sam said to India, who looked back at her mother with bright eyes.
The noise of the dogs made her realise Ted was home, but he was early, surely?
She looked at the clock on the baby monitor and saw that it was only after two in the afternoon.
‘Hello, my girls,’ Ted said, beaming at them.
He bent his long body and sat down on the floor beside Sam, legs spread out much further than hers.
Leaning over, he gave her a long kiss. Then, he gave India a tiny kiss on her forehead.
‘Gimme.’
Sam passed over India.
‘What are you doing home so early, you slacker?’ she asked good-humouredly.
‘It’s an incredible day, the summer will be over before we know it and I thought: how about if we go for a drive and then a walk on the beach?’
Sam considered it. She’d gone with Ted, Joanne and her father individually for walks with India, but they’d been around the area, nowhere far.
Now Ted was suggesting going out out.
‘Please?’ he wheedled.
‘OK.’
They drove to the nearest beach, parked the car and made their way down the path to the shore itself. It was a windy day and the waves whipped and whisked. Walkers belted along the shore, stepping to music or some invisible internal beat. Dogs frolicked in the waves, brave when the sea was out, running away excitedly when it was in and barking at it.
They gazed out at the sea, watching the white horses dancing on the waves.
‘Imagine,’ said Ted, holding India up carefully in his arms. ‘Daddy’s going to teach you to swim in the sea one day. We can splash in the sand, look for pretty stones, watch out for crabs.’
Sam felt her heart melt. He was so happy with his darling girl – with both his darling girls, she realised. She’d always known how much he loved her, but the way he’d taken care of her, the way he’d worried, showed how devoted he was.
She leaned against him, glorying in the strong feel of his body and the sun shining down on them.
‘You never mentioned sandcastles, Daddy,’ she said. ‘Naughty Daddy!’
Ted laughed. ‘With moats. I love moats.’
‘Bet you I can build better sandcastles than Daddy,’ teased Sam.
Ted turned towards her, eyes smiling. ‘Bet you can, my love,’ he said. ‘You can do anything.’
Sam reached until she had her arms around him and India. ‘We can, together,’ she said.
And they were silent then, staring out at the sea. Content.