The old joke that doctors make the worst patients also includes psychiatrists.

Even after the hell of tonight I was still irritated by the drafty hospital gown and the poking and prodding that came with any kind of injury. I’d had my fingernails scraped for DNA and my clothes confiscated for evidence and drywall shards picked out of my hair. Anything that would document the crime scene and keep Davina locked up was collected from my body.

I knew they were just doing their job but it didn’t change the fact that I just wanted to go home and curl up in my own bed for a decade and sleep.

But even my home was a crime scene.

Ryker had shown up with a bag of clothes and things from the office and a thunderous expression on his face. I’d heard him yelling down the hallway for anyone who would listen. And then I’d heard the unmistakable sound of him telling Aiden to fuck off and the head nurse ordering them both to shut up or leave the premises.

A nurse pulled my curtain and entered the space, checking my vitals with confident efficiency. “There are two circling pit bulls out there who are about two seconds away from getting kicked out of here. Do they belong to you?”

I sighed. “One of them is my best friend. The other is . . . was . . .” I tried to think of a way to describe what Aiden was to me but I came up blank. “The other one doesn’t belong to me.”

“Well I don’t think he got the message.” She fussed over my blankets and my IV and then gave me a level look. “Do you want them to come in? Or just one? Up to you honey.”

I sighed and winced at the pain that shot through my body with the movement. I was sore all over and I knew it would get worse before it got better. I also knew that I needed to see Aiden and deal with our unfinished business.

“Send in the grumpy one with the bad attitude,” I said, chuckling when she gave me a look that said she needed a little more info to know which one I was talking about. “The grumpy one with the bad attitude and the badge.”

She looked surprised at my choice but I didn’t have time to process it before she’d exited the area and told Aiden I wanted to see him. Through the slit in the curtain I could see him level a shitty, “I won” look at Ryker who flipped him the bird before Aiden moved towards me with purpose. The nurse stopped him with an arm bar across the chest and a withering stare.

“If you cause any more problems in here, hotshot, I’ll kick you out of my ER. I don’t care what kind of badge you’ve got on. Am I clear?”

Aiden’s expression was subdued with a hit of embarrassment. ‘Yes ma’am.”

“You don’t fool me with that ma’am business. I meant what I said,” she warned him and then exited the area, pulling the curtain closed to give us some semblance of privacy.

Aiden laser focused on me and headed straight for the bed, his hands outstretched but I scooted back on the pillows, shaking my head.

“Don’t touch me,” I said, wincing at the harshness in my voice and the matching hurt on his face. “I just can’t. I’m so thankful you were there but I can’t have your hands on me. It’s too hard.”

“I thought . . .” Aiden began, his hands clenched at his sides as he swallowed hard, struggling to control his emotions and his reaction to my words. “I thought we . . .”

“You thought that showing up at my place and saving my life was going to make everything okay? I’m so thankful that you were there but it doesn’t change anything that went down between us. You said what you said and my gratitude won’t change it.”

“What I said was shitty and awful. I’m so sorry.”

I examined his face, his body language and I knew he was telling the truth. He wasn’t a bad man. He just wasn’t the man for me.

“Yeah, I know. But you didn’t say that it wasn’t true.” He opened his mouth to argue with me but I cut him off.

“Aiden, I’m not naïve enough to know that being with me is easy. My lifestyle isn’t mainstream and it can appeal to people at first glance. It looks exciting and daring and decadent and everyone thinks they can roll with it. You’re not the first person who thought they could share me and couldn’t when the reality and not the fantasy porn video showed up on the sidewalk outside of my apartment.”

“I know I shouldn’t have been there,” he said, running a hand over the scruff on his chin as he tried to explain away the night that had blown us apart before we’d really had a chance. “I was at work and this guy, another officer, said shit about you and we got into it.”

He gestured to the swollen lip and the bruise on his cheek. I could picture the scene in my mind as clearly as if I’d been standing there and witnessed it real time.

“So, what did he do? Call me a whore? Porn star? Did he ask if you minded having a girlfriend who spread her legs for everyone?” The stricken expressions and tight-lipped grimace told me I’d hit the mark. “Did he question what kind of man you were to let your woman fuck other people?”

“I wasn’t going to stand by and let him talk about you like that,” he argued, his voice stubborn and spoiling for another fight. I wasn’t going to give him one.

“I’m a big girl and I stopped defending my life choice a long time ago so don’t make this about me Aiden. That fight and the scene you caused at my home was all about you and your ego.”

“You make me sound like a dick.”

I shook my head, he was still missing the point. “No. You acted like one last night but you’re a good man. But you’re not the guy who can accept me and everything about me. It doesn't make you a bad guy and it doesn’t make me defective. We’re just incompatible.” I smiled but it was tight and I resisted the urge to rub my chest where it ached. I’d been way more invested in this man than I’d previously allowed myself to realize and this was hard. Painful. I’d get over it but it wasn’t going to be quick and it wasn’t going to be easy. “It’s no different than if you’d been an Orioles fan. Some things are just not going to work.”

He stared at me, his jaw working with the tension so clearly working through his body. I waited, memorizing everything about him, knowing that this would likely be the last time I saw him. DC was a big enough town and we ran in such different circles, a casual meeting at the local Whole Foods was unlikely. As quickly as he’d landed, Detective Aiden Cross would leave my life.

“Carla, I just don’t understand why you need it.”

I smiled, blinking back the tears that I would blame on my injuries and the shitty night. “I know. But I’m not asking for you to understand, I’m just asking for you to accept it and love me anyway.”

* * *

“I hate driving with the blue lights on my unmarked vehicle.”

I glanced at Ryker, standing like a Centurian at the entrance to Carlas’ partitioned room. His body language told me that I’d had my chance and I’d have to get through him to see her again. In fact, he looked like he’s love to kick my ass and make sure I ended up as a guest in this place very soon. I was glad that Carla had someone like him in her life. If only to protect her from guys like me.

“Why do you think I give a shit?” He asked, his voice pitched low but fill with animosity. I ignored his taunt and continued with what I needed to say.

“I hated it when I was a beat cop. I couldn’t fucking wait to get an unmarked and not have them mounted on top of the car.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, leaning against the wall opposite her room watching the medical staff buzz around other patients and the cops working tonight’s incident. Davina was down the hall, sedated and ready for transport back the facility she’d escaped from and where she’d probably be spending the rest of her life. I closed my eyes, once again picturing the blood all over the floor, across Carla’s couch and walls. I rubbed at my chest, reliving the pain that had slammed through me when I’d gotten to her apartment.

“I got a call from a buddy on dispatch tonight and he told me that there was a report of shots fired at Carla’s address. I didn’t even think about it, I turned on those goddam lights and broke every law on the books to get to her place. I didn’t know what I’d find when I got there but when I saw the blood . . .”

“So, you think that playing the ‘white knight’ is going to make up for what you did?”

I shook my head. “You heard her in there. It’s too late for that. I made her feel cheap and ugly and I blew it.”

He didn’t deny that he’d been eavesdropping but I didn’t expect him to. I’d have done the same thing. I glanced at my watch, I had to be on shift soon and really there was no reason for me to stay. Carla had dismissed me like a Queen from her bed when the dragon lady nurse had come in to give her some meds. Once word from Carla and her designated protector had put me out like yesterday’s garbage.

But I stood here in the hall unable to leave and having no reason to stay.

“I don’t think you’re a dick, man,” Ryker said from his post, his expression blank. “You treated her well, you made her laugh and she liked you. She felt comfortable with you and that takes a lot.”

“That doesn’t help me now,” I grumbled, indulging in a pity party for one.

“Now, you're acting like a pussy.”

I whipped my head up and glared at him. “What the fuck is your problem, Ryker?”

“Jesus, can you make this not about you for five seconds? Because until you do, you’re never going to get a second chance with her” He glared at me, silently asking if I was going to listen or not. When I nodded he continued, his tone resigned but not unfriendly. “Think about what kind of woman Carla is. She works with at-risk kids who nobody wants to help and who all need a second chance and a little help.” He pointed to his chest, his tattooed arm flexing with the tension he held tightly coiled in his body. “She took in an ex-convict who went up for killing somebody and gave him a chance when even the local grocery store wouldn’t hire him. She spends her days helping people who have nowhere left to go and no one to listen. She doesn’t judge and sure as hell doesn’t make people feel like shit for the choices they’ve made. She sticks by you, quietly offering support and unconditional love.”

I saw where he was going with this and I could feel the shame creeping across my skin like a brand that would burrow into my soul. I’d never get rid of it until I made this right.

Ryker wasn’t done. “All she asks is for one goddam person to accept her for who she is and save the judgment. One person to love her the way she loves everyone else.” He pushed off the wall where he was leaning and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, tapping the box on his hand. “If you can’t do that, it’s cool. But if you can, she’s not going to believe some grand gesture or splashy apology. If you want a second chance, you’ve got to show her you’ve got staying power, that you won’t cut and run the minute things get rough.”

He walked away, his large, tattooed form disappearing into the crowd of the busy ER. Both women and men took one look at him and made a snap judgment, giving him a wide berth and a visible sigh of relief when he passed them by with no incident. They were afraid of him but Carla had looked deeper and seen the man underneath who could be a loyal friend.

She’d seen athletes and responsible young men and women in a bunch of at-risk kids at the Center.

And I’d seen what an amazing woman she was and I couldn’t get past how she didn’t fix in a box I’d constructed out of my own prejudice and judgment. She’d never asked me to change, only to meet her halfway with honesty and an open-mind.

I’d worried more about what other people thought than what I knew was between us.

She just wanted someone to accept her the way she was and love her anyway.

I’d fucked up my shot to show her that it might be me.