“Hey man, Carla is headed back in from the main office. You gonna wait?”

I turned from where I stood gazing out across the Anacostia River and found Tyrique standing behind me, wearing his rowing gear and an old Georgetown rowing hoodie that had obviously belonged to Carla at one time. He stood aloof but casual, keeping his distance from me with suspicion in his eyes. I doubted that Carla had told the kids anything about what had happened between us but Tyrique had figured out that I was the bad guy.

Fair enough.

“Uh yeah,” I drawled out, trying to keep my voice calm even though my damn heart was pounding against my chest wall so hard that it hurt. It had pretty much been in a permanent cycle of aching ever since I’d left her at the hospital and I knew that if I didn’t fix this between us, it would be my permanent state. “I need to talk to her.”

Tyrique crossed his arms across his chest, his glare piercing. “Dude are you ever here when you’re not trying to apologize for fucking up?”

I began to correct his language, as I knew Carla would if she were here, but it didn’t matter. What mattered is that he’d called me on it like a man protecting his friend and mentor and I would meet him in that place.

“So far . . . that would be no. I seem to always fuck it up with her these days.”

Tyrique was mad at me, his mouth now screwed up in a grimace and his eyes narrowed to slits of frustration. I braced myself for impact.

“Well. This is how I see it. Carla is the best friend I’ve ever had and she takes care of all of us at the center when kids at school and our parents don’t get that being queer isn’t a choice that they can beat or mock out of us. She’d stood up to the biggest dudes and made them back down and act right and she’s helped us all be cool with who we are. So, when I see her all upset and crying and sad because you fucked up again, I gotta tell you that I got no patience with you.”

“I respect that, man,” I began but he cut me off.

“I’m not done,” he said, moving closer to point straight at me. “You made her laugh and we were all glad to see it and if you can do that from now on, we’ll be happy for her. But if all you’re gonna do is make her sad then I hope she comes in here looking like your favorite fucking wet dream and grinds you under the heel of her $800 shoes and that’s the truth.”

“Tyrique, you need to watch your language,” Carla said from behind us and we both turned to stare at her. He looked sheepish for a moment, dipping his head in acknowledgement of her admonishment.

“Sorry, Carla,” he said, but then he lifted his chin with conviction and met her gaze head-on. “But I stand by what I said. You’re too good to all of us and you deserve better. You deserve to be happy.”

“I agree,” I said, stepping closer to her. She’d changed from the station and was now dressed in her workout gear, her long hair pulled back into a high ponytail that swayed when she moved and the lemon scent of her shampoo washed over me. I’d loved waking with that fragrance all over me, wrapping me up in everything that was Carla. “And I’d like the chance to talk to you about it.”

She considered me for a long moment. Her dark eyes unreadable as she considered my request. I had no doubt that my getting the chance to talk to her was not guaranteed. Carla was angry and had every right to be.

“Carla, please. Just give me five minutes.”

Long moments passed before she turned to Tyrique. “Jamie is up at the office and he’ll give you a ride back to the Center, okay?”

He nodded, everything about his body language communicating just how much he didn’t want to leave her here with me but he agreed with a terse nod of his head and a warning glance in my direction. I nodded back at him, trying to convey my promise to try my best to make this right.

Once we were alone, the air grew thick, as if a sudden blanket of humidity had cloaked the area and made it almost impossible to breathe. I had to fight the urge to grab her and haul her up against me. The attraction was still there, the pull of desire and elemental need and I knew that if I kissed her, held her, made her come and shake and moan then we’d work out some kind of makeshift life raft designed to keep us from drowning.

But it wouldn’t be what we could have had and I knew it. And goddam it, it wasn’t enough Not with her. With Carla it would have to be the messy, uncharted and dangerous thing that sprang to life between us almost as soon we met.

I wanted that like I wanted my next breath.

I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jeans, the only way to keep from touching her. “I’m sorry about what happened at the station today.”

“I’m fine. It’s almost like it never happened.”

Her words were intentional, their clear meaning punctuated by the direct stare aimed at me. She’d been open at the station until I’d shut down, protecting myself, but now she had the walls up. She was going to move on, put us behind her and I was on notice. As usual I could count on Carla to lay it all out there. It was up to me take up the gauntlet and decide whether to fight the fight or go home.

I wasn’t going home without Carla. The only way to make sure that it happened was to be honest.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong.” I cleared my throat, searching for the right words to say. “About everything.”

She looked surprised, as if she’d been expecting anything but a straight-up, no excuses apology.

“Look, I’m just going to cut to the chase with this because if the truth doesn’t get you to give me a second chance then nothing will. I was an asshole. You told me from the beginning about your kink, you were completely honest and I got angry when I actually had to deal with the truth. That’s all on me.”

Carla huffed out a long breath, her eyes glassy with moisture but she kept her gaze steadily on me. I had her full attention and it was more than I deserved.

“I can’t lie. I had a full-on epiphany moment when I got to your apartment and you were covered in blood and huddled on the floor of bathroom. I was fucking terrified that I was going to get there too late and you were going to be dead. I realized at that moment that nothing was worse than that possibility. Not you with other men. Not you with other women. Not knowing that others get to touch you like I do.” I took a deep breath but I was getting to the hardest part and I knew it could be a deal breaker for Carla. “I was afraid to lose you but I still didn’t understand you. I didn’t really get what made you tick so when you pushed me away, I went. I gave it up and decided to walk away. I was still an arrogant son-of-a-bitch about the whole thing. I was convinced that you were still the one who needed to change, who needed to compromise everything you are and I refused to accept all of you.”

“So why are you here now? Why are we even having this conversation Aiden?” Her voice was laced with frustration and impatience and I silently pleaded for her to hear me out to the bitter end. “I don’t know why you just didn’t let it end at the hospital.”

“Because Carla, you taught me that there is no shame in sex. No shame in who you choose to have it with or what you choose to do with them. There’s only pain and jealousy in dishonesty and I was the most dishonest of all. Never you. I was the coward and the liar and one who betrayed every bit of the trust you gave me.”

I had a hole in my gut that wouldn’t stop hurting and I knew that the only way to fix it was to get Carla back in my life. Any way I could get her.

“So, here’s my truth: I want you. In my life. In my bed. In my arms. You’re already in my heart.” I grabbed her face in my hands, looking down on her and praying that she understood what I was saying. “You are the only one I want.”

She lifted her hands and circled my wrists and pulled me away, blinking back tears as she shook her head. “But I’m still a third, Aiden. I can’t, won’t, give it up. It’s a part of me.”

“And I want all of you. Everything. I don’t understand why you need it but I know you do and I want you to be happy and get what you want. Making you happy is all that matters to me because someone was brave and honest and real as you deserves to have all the happiness in the world.” I cupped her face again, needing to know that she heard me. “I can’t promise to never be jealous but I can promise to be honest just like you’ve always been honest with me. I will be brave like you and I will trust that no matter what happens, you want me to be happy too. I just know that I’m not ready to lose you. Not now and maybe not ever.”

“Are you sure?” She asked, her voice trembling with the unshed tears in her eyes. I used my thumbs to gather the moisture. If she cried it would kill me on the spot.

“I’m sure. Just give me a chance, okay?”

She nodded. “Okay.”

“Yeah?” She nodded again. “Fuck yeah.”

I kissed her over and over again, gathering her close to me and holding her tight. It was hot and sweet but I needed more. I’d missed her. God, I’d missed her so fucking much.

“There’s a home game tonight if you want it come over.”

She bit her bottom lip, a tease as she contemplated her options. “Will you be serving hot dogs?”

“I think I’ll spring for hamburgers too,” I shrugged. “It’s a special occasion.”

She laughed and nodded her agreement. “I’ll bring the beer.”