7. When the string breaks
Heading off to college
Vinny
I have mixed emotions about driving with the Steckers to the Bisson-Davis Regional Airport. I’m awkward with his parents, and they have no use for me. They see me as the shiny red apple in the Garden of Eden, tempting their son to take a bite… to sin. Little do they know that he’s swallowed down a bushel of apples this summer and has no regrets. But Tommy asked me to come with them. So here I am in the back seat of their Suburban.
“Now, remember that you have to get your meal plan card first thing tomorrow morning.” Sheila has been listing off the things Tommy needs to accomplish, as if he’s ten, not eighteen. “And you packed the Bible we gave you for graduation, right?”
“Yup. It’s in my carry-on bag.”
She sighs. “I was so upset about you leaving that I forgot the list of things to remind you about on the kitchen island. But call me when you get to Our Guardian, and I can go over them with you.”
“Sheila, Tom is going to be fine with or without that list. Have some faith, dear.” Michael is unusually sympathetic to his wife today. He pats her hand.
“It’s not every day your baby leaves for college. I’m a bit emotional.” She sniffs a few times, and I think about how hard it’s going to be for Mom to see me leave.
Tommy would die before holding hands with me in the back seat, seeing as his parents might notice. And I’ve been fighting my urge to touch him ever since we got in the car. He finally slides his hand across the seat and casually brushes the side of my leg.
I frown when I notice his wrist, bare of everything but a white ring of untanned skin. “Your bracelet… it’s gone.”
After checking to see if his parents are paying attention, Tommy peers at me. It would have been hard to miss that they’re caught up in a lively discussion about where to park the truck, but he now feels safe to lean my way. He says in a dull tone, “It fell off this morning. In the shower.”
I gulp and start to pull at my bracelet. “You can have mine…”
“No. I’ve got mine with me—in my wallet—and I’ll keep it there. Plus, you gave me a little mark on my chest to remember you by.” Tommy touches his chest, and his cheeks turn pink. He smiles just a little, like Mona Lisa in that painting from Art History class. Then he glances toward the front of the truck to see if his parents have noticed our interaction.
“You’re right. I did give you a little something to remember me by,” I whisper, once again fighting an urge to take his hand in mine. Last night I sucked a quarter-sized hickey just above his left nipple. He’s going to have to explain it to everyone in the locker room at soccer camp. Unfortunately for me, it will have faded by the time Jenna arrives at Our Guardian.
“Okay, boys, we’re parked in the short-term parking section. Let’s see, B-4. Write that down, Sheila.” Apparently, Michael won the parking debate. He opens the door and pops the trunk. “Let’s all grab a bag and check Tommy onto his flight.” Michael shifts easily into business mode.
But I can feel my heart shifting into heart attack mode. Tommy’ll be gone in half an hour.
As we walk through the terminal, it’s as if I’m not even with the Steckers.
“Now, Jenna’s family is driving her out to Chicago, and we expect you to meet them at her dormitory, help carry her things into her room, and have dinner with them,” Sheila instructs.
Michael adds his demand. “And you need to look out for that sweet girl. She’ll be depending on you, as she’s so far from home.”
“Yes, s-sir,” Tommy replies, his voice unsteady.
Tommy’s walking along, rolling a suitcase right beside me, but I can feel him separating from the here and now. He’s in a different zone, halfway gone already. Even when we reach the counter, he doesn’t look at me or anyone. He just stares at his suitcases as they move away on the conveyor belt. One by one we check his bags until he’s left with only his backpack and a small carry-on bag.
There’s no going back now. Not that I ever thought he’d plant his feet in the middle of the airport, fold his arms on his chest, and bellow, “Mom and Dad—I can’t leave Vinny because he’s the love of my life! I refuse to get on the plane to Chicago!”
Sheila and Michael take turns hugging him. When it’s my turn, Sheila announces, “There’s not much time left for goodbyes, boys. We don’t want Tom to miss his flight—so you’d better hurry up.”
We do this lame fist bump and stand there gawking at each other. And that’s it.
Well, I think that’s it, until Tommy’s face wrinkles up like he’s going to start bawling. He grits his teeth, grabs me around the neck so hard it hurts, and drags me against him. I smell the sweet Tommy scent and feel his heart pounding on my chest through our T-shirts, and he murmurs in my ear, “No matter what happens, I’m yours.” Something about the way he says this tells me what happens next is going to be bad.
Michael and Sheila don’t say a word. They’re likely stunned at the impulsive show of emotion from their stoic son. Finally, Sheila clears her throat, and he pulls away from me. This hurts so much more than the too-tight squeeze.
Tommy heads toward the escalator—a dead man walking—more floating than taking purposeful steps. His posture is all wrong, like a marionette in a puppet show, but I’m the only one here, or anywhere, who knows the lines of his body well enough to recognize this. And I’m equally familiar with how his mind works; Tommy hopes he’ll find some slight measure of freedom in this separation from his family and church. And from me.
He needs to make a clean break. But the cost is high: losing contact with the one who loves him most and best. He has little choice, though, as he lives his life to please his parents. I’ve never judged him, and I’m not going to start now.
Each gliding step he takes drains me; by the time he reaches the elevator, I’m like an empty sack. Or maybe it’s not that I’m empty, but I’m falling into an emotional abyss—deep as a crack between glaciers. Tommy Stecker has been everything to me for as long as I can remember…. He’s drifting away from me now, and I can do nothing to stop it.
I allow myself to slide into the emotional void rather than stick around for the onset of the worst pain imaginable. But the lack of feeling—the complete numbness—is physical too. This surprises me.
As the escalator carries him to the airport’s second floor, I’m frozen where I stand. I refuse to let my eyelids twitch as I fight the tears. I stiffen my fingers into claws, so they don’t tremble. I even hold my breath.
But the truth is much more disturbing: I don’t move because I can’t move.
I lose sight of Tommy—after stepping off the escalator without a look back—as he heads toward security and then the gate. I stand here, still as an ice sculpture, staring at the place where he hesitates just long enough to pull the pack off his rigid back.
“Vince, stop staring. He’s gone.” Sheila’s voice cuts into my suffering. And somehow, I manage to turn around and follow Tommy’s parents to the parking garage.
No one speaks a word on the way home. When they drop me off, the Steckers don’t even park in our driveway. They pull to the side of the road in front of my house, and I jump out to quick goodbyes.
I really don’t care anymore.
◆◆◆
“Vinny, we need to go to Willoughby’s Home Store to pick up the items on your college list. We have to get you sheets and a comforter, and a desk lamp, and things for the shower and…”
“I’ve got the list, Mom. I can stop by the store while you’re at work and pick everything up.”
Mom steps over to where I sit, eating a bowl of cereal. She ruffles my hair. “Don’t you want your mama’s help? I have excellent taste in shower gel.”
“You do have excellent taste, but I’m pretty sure I can handle it.” She needs a break from watching me mope.
“Okay, then, here’s some money.” She pulls a hundred dollar bill out of her purse that’s resting beside my cereal bowl on the kitchen table. “It should be enough for a haircut too.”
“Point taken.” I force a smile for her benefit. Just because I’m dying inside doesn’t mean Mom needs to suffer.
“I love you, sweetie. We’ll have a nice goodbye dinner tonight, and if you want we can follow you down to Stephenson tomorrow to help you move into your dorm room.”
“Everything will fit in the Volvo. I’ll be fine on my own.”
“You’re getting so independent. I don’t know if I like this.” She leans down and kisses my forehead.
“See you after work, Mom.”
Kids Go Crazy 4 Soccer Camp is over for the summer, so I have too much time on my hands. I never really worked on other friendships in high school—it was all Tommy, all the time, until things fell apart in the spring. Since then, the only person I’ve hung out with is Ellen. By the end of prom night, she knew there was no potential for romance with us, but instead of feeling awkward together, we’ve become pretty close friends. The bonus is that since she’s also going to Stephenson College, we have the same “dormitory needs” list.
I pull my cell phone from the pocket of my jeans and call Ellen. “Hey.”
“Hi, Vin. What’re you up to?”
“Just looking for a shopping partner. You know, for college stuff.”
“I’d be up for that. You want to drive?”
“Sure. How about if I come get you in half an hour?”
“Give me an hour and I’ll be waiting for you outside.”
◆◆◆
“I thought we’d go to Willoughby’s. They have just about everything,” I say as Ellen climbs into the car. Into Tommy’s seat.
“That’s what I was going to suggest. I guess great minds think alike.” She buckles in and turns toward me. “So what’s wrong?”
“What do you mean?” I know exactly what she means, but I don’t have to come clean. I just have to put on a better show. “Everything’s fine.”
“Have you heard from Tom?”
I must be completely transparent. I shrug and mumble, “I’m sure he’s been busy with soccer.”
“Yeah. It’s only been a couple days since he left.”
“Five days.”
“Not that you’re counting.” She reaches across the center console and squeezes my knee. “You’ve got it bad for him, huh?”
I pull the car to the side of the road and hop out, fearing I’m going to be sick. Bent over in the rubble on the road’s shoulder, I fight my nausea.
Soon Ellen’s standing beside me. “I’ve known for a long time. Like since junior year.”
“Known? Known what?”
She places her hand on my back. “I know how you and Tom feel for each other. I could see it every time you looked at each other… and it’s okay with me.”
I swallow hard and stand, but I gaze out over the street instead of into Ellen’s eyes. “Jenna’s your best friend…. Have you told her your suspicions?”
“It’s not my place to do that, Vin. That’s between Tom and Jenna.”
I release a sigh and turn to her. “Please don’t say anything.” It comes out as a loud whisper, as if someone could overhear our conversation on a rural back street.
“I won’t… I’m your friend too. You can trust me.” She pulls me into a hug I didn’t know I needed. “How do things stand with you guys?”
I shake my head. “We can’t be together.”
“That’s not what I asked you.”
“You want to know how we left things in our relationship?” I can’t believe I’m actually talking about this with another human being. “We care about each other. Probably always will… but I think he’s… gonna break it off with me. You know, to make things more casual.”
“Because you’re apart?”
I nod. “Like I said, we can’t ever be together. Between his parents and his church and Jenna… all we can be is friends, and he probably figures that now is the best time to start.”
“That sucks. And not just for you and Tom. It sucks for Jenna… She can never have all of his heart.”
Again, I nod. “But I still think he cares for her.”
“Well, college is the time for people to figure out things like who they love and how they want to live. That’s what you, Tom, and Jenna have to do.”
“I guess.”
“You’ll be okay. And you’ve got a friend in me.” We both laugh when it hits us that she just quoted musical lyrics from a Toy Story song. After briefly humming the tune, Ellen adds, “Come on, let’s go get some shopping therapy.”
“Ugh. I’m not sure shopping therapy is a thing for me.”
“Well, shopping therapy and then a huge lunch on me. Cheeseburgers and fries at the Goal Post Diner.”
Life would have been so much simpler if I could have fallen for Ellen instead of Tommy. She’s smart and pretty and understanding and available for a relationship. I think at one point she liked me that way. But our friendship is pretty great, too. “And I’ll take you to the Wynne Creamery for ice cream after.”
It hurts to think about going to me and Tommy’s place with someone else, but I’ve got to live. Apparently, Tommy’s living happily in Chicago, and he hasn’t felt the need to reach out to me in almost a week.
◆◆◆
“Hey, Bucci. We’re heading to the dining hall for a second breakfast. Gotta fuel up before practice. You in?” My roommate, Scott Mason, is like a bottomless pit when it comes to carbs.
I stick my phone face down on the desk and lean back in my chair. It’s been two weeks since Tommy left, and I haven’t heard from him once. Two freaking weeks. But I haven’t called or emailed or texted him either. For some reason, it seems like the ball is in his court. He’s the one with all the rules and the girlfriend. He’s the one who left home first.
It’s his turn, not mine.
“Yeah, sure. I could eat.” I get off the chair and head to the closet to grab my gym bag. Our dorm room is small but is in a great location. It overlooks the field and, lucky for Scott, is right beside the dining hall.
“You’re not gonna take your phone? You’ve been glued to that thing since you got here.”
Scott’s a pretty decent guy, if a little up in my face. And he’s obviously very observant. “Nah. The phone is staying here. It won’t help me get through sprints, will it?”
He shakes his head and laughs. “I wish there was an app for that.”
As we start down the hall, I do my best to laugh along with him. I’ve been a total downer since camp started. Never smiling, hardly ever joining in with the other guys at night in the common room to share soccer stories. It’s like I’m still the popped balloon that watched Tommy ride the escalator to the second floor of the airport and never look back.
“I get it if you’re bumming out about a girl back home… Is that what it is?”
“Something like that.”
“Well, even though some people say I never shut up, I can be a pretty good listener if you ever need one.” He punches my shoulder lightly.
“Maybe I’ll take you up on that some time.” I wonder how cool he’d be if he knew I was pining away over another guy. He’s pretty openminded, though. I’m fairly sure it’d be fine.
“Anytime—I’m all ears.” He sends me a smile that’s reasonably genuine. And I send one back. Not a shit-eating grin, but a smile.
I’ve got to get my head out of my ass. Acting like somebody died from the time I wake up until I fall asleep isn’t going to get me anywhere except booted off the soccer team, which translates to me losing my scholarship.