Chapter Eleven

 

Ireland

By the time I got to my car and checked my sugars, they were significantly out of control. I took insulin and sat for fifteen minutes as I tried to clear my head enough to drive home. I’d allowed my mind to become too distracted by Raven and sharing a few precious moments with him, and therefore, forgot about important things like maintaining a proper sugar level.

Once I made it home, I collapsed in bed and slept the afternoon away. There was nothing fun about coming down off a hypoglycemic reaction. No matter how many times I did it to myself, I didn’t seem to learn. I could hear my doctor’s reprimanding voice telling me I was doing irreparable organ damage and needed to smarten up. If I could get a grip on my life, maybe I could get a grip on my routine too.

When I woke around the dinner hour, I had a few missed texts from Raven. He was checking up on me and ensuring I was feeling all right.

I sat on the edge of my bed and typed out a reply as I tried to get my bearings.

Me: Fuzzy still, but I just woke up. Crashed when I got home. What time is your last set over?

While I waited for his reply, I headed to the bathroom, checked my levels again, then went to the kitchen to make dinner. I knew better than to be neglectful of mealtimes. Julia might have been an irritating nag about my sugars, but she was right.

Raven’s response came through as I sat at the table to eat the grilled chicken and veggie pasta I’d made.

Raven: Last set ends at 9:30. I’ll pack up with the guys and probably head home instead of staying for the fireworks. Wanna meet me there at about 10:30?

I checked the time. It was just after six.

Me: I’ll be there.

I spent the following few hours keeping busy with chores. At ten, I grabbed my black pouch with my glucometer—unsure how long I’d be gone—stuffed it with a few new syringes and my nighttime insulin and headed out. For the first time in months, I felt good and could almost visualize Raven and I becoming a normal couple. Our few shared kisses today had gotten easier the more they happened. I’d even suppressed a lot of the building anxiety when I’d allowed him to touch me. Heading to his house—especially with the late hour—I chanced imagining what further steps we might be able to take. I had been sexual in past relationships—with severe limitations—so I knew it wasn’t impossible. As much as men usually induced more panic, Raven seemed to be an exception. I felt safe around him. We built trust together, and I knew he wouldn’t push limits.

It was dark in the middle of nowhere at that late hour. When I pulled off the dirt road, I followed the long driveway around the farmhouse to the back where the barn sat. Raven’s van was parked in a shadowed corner off to the side, so I knew he was home.

When I got out of my car, the first thing I noted was how quiet it was. There was no city noise in the background and no assaulting streetlight or cars. It was peaceful. I headed to the barn door just as it opened, and Raven came out with an armload of clothes.

“Oh, hey,” he called when he noticed me.

“Hey.”

He grinned and came to a stop. “I was just gonna grab a quick shower. I’m sweating like a pig. It was so hot today. Go on up and make yourself at home. I won’t be long.”

“Sure.”

He lingered a second before winking and moving around me as he headed to the house, disappearing into the dark.

I went inside and climbed the ladder to the loft. I was surprised it wasn’t as sweltering as I thought it would be. He had the floor door shut and a portable dehumidifier running. It worked wonders to keep the temperature reasonable. And fans. Lots and lots of fans.

I scanned his apartment and decided to put on some tunes while I waited. After spending a few minutes shuffling through his ridiculous collection of CDs, I loaded some David Lee Roth into the player and set the volume at a comfortable background level. Then, I paced around the open floor space with my thoughts before flopping down on his huge, king-sized bed. I’d been over a few times since we met, but this was the first time where I felt things had shifted between us and possibilities were in the wide open.

I considered how much I might manage if things progressed that evening. I still didn’t think Raven fully understood what kind of restrictions intimacy held, but his willingness to try gave me hope. I clung to the good feelings swarming my insides and did all I could to keep the negative away. If I pushed myself, maybe we could take things further than kissing. Maybe I’d gone far enough ahead the echoes could be tempered. It was maddening when they stole from me what I truly desired.

Before I pondered too far down the path of things to come, Raven appeared, dressed in only a pair of sports shorts and no shirt, his hair hung in wet waves across his face, and I couldn’t help my wandering eyes. His bare chest was smattered with dark hair, and the trail leading down past his navel led to treasures I certainly wanted to discover… maybe explore—if I could.

If he caught me ogling, he didn’t comment. He tossed his dirty clothes into a hamper and messed a hand through his hair as he eyed me with a beaming smile. The man was chronically unshaven, but I loved it and spotted his hidden dimple immediately.

“David Lee Roth. A Little Ain’t Enough. Good choice.”

“Didn’t know we were playing Name that Album, I’d have chosen wiser.”

He chuckled and approached the bed. “Not a game you want to play with me. I know music more than any other subject.” When he landed beside me, I repressed the urge to shift over and widen the space between us. If I was making an effort to move forward, I had to be conscious not to resist. The echoes were quiet, and I wanted to take full advantage.

Raven folded his hands under his head, copying me, and stared at the ceiling.

“How are you feeling?” he asked. “You didn’t look so hot when you left earlier.”

“Better. I have a bad habit of forgetting to take care of myself when too many other things are going on. You’re a distraction, Raven.”

Laughing, he rolled to his side and propped his head on his hand as he peered down at me.

“Hey now, don’t blame me.”

I tilted my head to the side returning his smile. “I blame your lips then. How was I supposed to think of anything after kissing you?”

“I liked it,” he breathed watching my mouth with desire in his eyes.

I rolled to my side and spent a long minute taking him all in, examining his bare chest, his formed biceps, his flat stomach and the treasure trail that led to more. The shorts he’d chosen to wear didn’t hide much, and it was obvious he was commando underneath.

“Can I touch you?” he asked.

The spike of adrenaline his question caused didn’t surprise me, neither did the increase in my heart rate. My mother’s rantings screamed front and center in my brain for a half a second before I shoved them away again. I wanted to explore him, take us further, but the threat of becoming overwhelmed at this stage was a danger. We weren’t at the park surrounded by people anymore. We were alone, and expectations would be elevated. The barrier between being okay and not okay was fragile.

I shook my head but brought my hand to his chest at the same time. “Not yet. Let me.”

He didn’t argue and remained still as I explored his exposed skin with gentle brushes of fingers. I traced every muscle of his arms and pecs, then trailed down his abdomen, following the dark, silky path past his navel. The whole time I was in action, I chanted in my head all the words Erin encouraged me to remember.

I trembled nonetheless. Negative taunts were just under the surface and ignoring them took almost more effort than I had.

My gaze traveled to the front of his shorts and noted the distinct tenting. The more I touched him, the more evident his arousal underneath. Those shorts hid nothing. For a moment, my mind got ahead of itself, and I envisioned wrapping my hand around him or taking him into my mouth. One thought became trampled by another, and before I could stop it, I imagined him taking that control and gripping my hair, thrusting forward and driving himself into the back of my throat.

My head buzzed with things I didn’t want to hear, screaming defiantly at things that hadn’t even happened. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, my hand stilling on his chest as I fought for control. As much as I wanted to move closer and take more from Raven, the echoes were dangerously close to owning me, and it was taking greater effort to keep them under wraps.

I blew out a breath and opened my eyes again. With as much focus as I could muster, I concentrated on the good and continued. I glided my hand up his chest again, letting his chest hairs tickle between my fingers. Then, I rolled a tightly budded nipple. Raven sucked in a breath and squirmed, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides.

I knew that motion. He wanted desperately to reach out.

No! Never let them touch you, Ireland…

I rattled my head to force the echo back where it belonged. With a sharp breath, then another, I realized my control was slipping.

“Ireland?” I met Raven’s eyes. Lust swam at the surface, but there was noticeable concern mixed in.

“I’m fine,” I lied.

Unable to face his worry, I flattened a palm over his pec, glided my hand up to his shoulder and down his arm. Everything inside me buzzed and vibrated. The calm I’d started with slowly slipped through my fingers. But I pushed harder.

When I met his gaze again, he leaned closer, licked his lips, and begged without saying a word for a kiss, and I hated that I hesitated. It’d been easier earlier in the day, why couldn’t I make this happen?

Raven seemed to understand. His face remained close, his breaths panting.

“Touch me. Please.” His voice was barely audible, but I knew what he was asking.

I nodded and slid my hand back down his chest. My destination was below his shorts, stiff and waiting for attention. The chatter in my head grew, and I squeezed my eyes shut again, pausing at his waistband, only managing a finger underneath before the chaos grew to proportions I couldn’t contain. The cacophony ravished my brain, screamed its lies, and warned me away.

My hand fell, and I rolled to my back, growling through gritted teeth as I tried to get a grip and push the negative noise away. I covered my face and tore my hands through my hair in frustration.

“For fuck’s sake. I’m sorry.”

“Hey.”

“I’m sorry. I told you I’m fucked-up.”

“Stop.” Raven’s voice was calmer than I expected. “Open your eyes.”

I didn’t know what was worse, the fact that the echoes had fully taken me over and won, or that humiliation and self-hatred were eating me alive. I didn’t want to see the disappointment in Raven’s eyes. All my life, I’d let people down, and I didn’t want to do that to Raven. God, I just wanted a normal relationship. I squeezed my eyes tighter, the urge to punch something or run away from all this bullshit taking the place of my fear.

“Ireland. Open your eyes, and look at what you do to me?”

He shuffled on the bed, but I still couldn’t make myself ready to witness his hurt.

“You don’t need to touch me, but I really want you to see what you’ve done to me. Trust me, Ireland. Open your eyes.”

Reluctantly, I let out a frustrated sigh and opened my eyes. Before I could say anything, the sight before me stole my words and left me forgetting how to breathe. Raven knelt beside me, shorts gone and beautiful, straining erection in hand with his heavy sac hanging between his muscular thighs. He stroked himself, eyes locked on my face.

Once he knew he had my attention, he spoke again. “See that. That’s all you. You can touch me if you’re able or you can just watch, but I want you to know, this is because of you. You make me hard just from a simple feathering touch of your fingers. Just from a small taste of your lips. I know you aren’t ready. That’s fine. I’m okay with that. Believe me. But I think you need to witness this and see what all you do to me. Do you want to watch?”

Speechless, I nodded as his hand moved up and down his shaft in long, languid pulls. A tiny bead of precum sat on his tip, asking for attention. My heart thrashed as he swiped a thumb over it and brought it to his mouth to lick off.

“Fuck,” I whispered. “You’re amazing.”

Raven reached over and dug through a nightstand until he came up with a bottle of lube. He added some to his palm and continued to stroke himself, sucking air between his teeth as he sped up. His second hand cupped his balls and gave them a tug as he jerked in a steady motion.

“I never want you to be uncomfortable, but how would you feel about getting naked for me? I won’t touch you, but I’d love to see you. If you’ll let me, I want to come all over your chest.”

His hand moved faster and twisted near the tip with each pass. Raven’s mouth fell open, and the pleasure he was bringing himself made his eyes hazy with lust. I was hard watching him. None of the people I’d dated before had done this or considered this option when intimacy proved to be a solid barrier. Yet, Raven didn’t flinch, and I couldn’t lie, it was hot as hell watching him jerk himself off.

I removed my T-shirt and shuffled out of my shorts. I’d never been shy about my body. When lifting weights and running helped to take me out of my head, I reaped the benefits. Raven scanned my nakedness, his gaze landing on my uncut dick laying against my stomach in an equal state of arousal.

“Kneel with me. Touch yourself,” he said, tossing me the lube.

This I could do. I coated a hand with lube and watched him stroke himself as I gave a few tugs to my own dick. Raven, announcing we didn’t need to touch, immediately calmed my mind. He removed the threat, and the entire experience became about him and I and the pleasure we took from simply watching each other.

I knelt like he instructed and continued, watching him lost in the act of pleasuring himself. Every breath he took came sharper and shorter than the one before it. He dripped more precum as he moaned, his gaze fixated on my moving hand.

“Will it bother you… if I come on you?” he panted.

I’d never thought of it before, but the suggestion didn’t arise panic, so I nodded.

“Will you come on me, too?”

I groaned and picked up my pace, nodding as he licked his lips.

“You want to taste me, don’t you?” I asked.

His hand moved faster, and I knew he was close. The muscles in his neck strained and his mouth fell open as he gasped and moaned. “So… badly.”

With my free hand and all my focus on the task of pleasuring myself, I reached out and wiped a finger over his dripping slit, catching a drop before bringing it to my mouth. The minute I sucked the digit clean, Raven stiffened and cried out as his hot release coated my abdomen, hand, and dick. It pulsed from him, one shot after another, and he bent slightly at the waist, catching himself on an arm so he wouldn’t inadvertently collapse against me.

“Fuck,” he grunted as he stroked a few more times, pulling the final dredges of orgasm from himself.

I was so close just watching his climax, I knew I wasn’t going to last.

“Lie down,” I ordered.

Raven met my gaze, pupils blown, and breaths ragged, but he saw the seriousness behind my eyes and was quick to comply. I walked on my knees until I was directly beside him all while keeping an even pace on my dick.

“Hands under your head, then don’t move.”

Raven complied, gaze jetting from my face to my dick and back.

I was too close to a state of nirvana for my head to get in the way, but years of caution were hard to break, so I couldn’t straddle him like I wanted to. Beside him, using his cum as added lubricant, I brought myself over the edge with a strangled cry, covering his chest with numerous pulses of release.

When I had nothing left to give, I fell back on my heels and fought to catch my breath. Our eyes locked, and for a moment, I thought maybe, just maybe, Raven could be the one person who wouldn’t give up on me.

Spent and sated, I collapsed beside him on my back, staring at the ceiling.

“That was incredible,” he said once his breathing had returned to normal.

“Do you mean that? Or was it a poor substitute for what you really wanted?”

Raven lifted his head and frowned. “What I wanted was to share something intimate with you. And we did. Maybe your perception of intimacy is skewed because that right there was perfect.”

“I’ve never done anything like that before.”

“Did you enjoy it?”

I lifted up on an elbow and stared at my release covering his chest. “Um, the evidence speaks for itself, I think.”

Raven leaned over and reached again into the nightstand. This time he came back with wet wipes.

“Here,” he said as he plucked one from the package. “Best I can offer, unless we sneak into the house to clean up.”

He took the wipe and was about to run it over his abdomen when I stopped him.

“Wait.”

He quirked a brow but sucked in a breath when I reached out and trailed a finger through the mess I’d made.

“You said you wanted a taste.” I held my finger by his mouth and nodded.

He stared at the digit and licked his lips before meeting my gaze. Blue fire burned within. “This is okay?” he asked.

“Yes.” Even with my words, I internally braced myself for his advance.

Raven didn’t hesitate, he took my finger in his mouth and swirled his tongue around the digit, taking all the evidence of my release. He groaned and closed his eyes before giving it a bit of suction. My dick responded with a jerk.

“You’re dangerous.” I withdrew my finger and watched him clean his lips with satisfaction and an eye-creasing smile.

“Mmm. And you’re delicious.”

After we cleaned up, we lay side by side, unspeaking while David Lee Roth played in the background. The low lighting in the room combined with the relaxation coating my body pulled sleep to the surface. As I began to drift, Raven’s voice cut through the descending haze and pulled me back to alertness once again.

“Will you spend the night?” he asked.

My initial reaction was to tell him no. It took a lot for me to share a bed with a partner. Ordinarily, I stuck to my own room where I knew for certain nothing could startle me in the middle of the night. Waking up in a panic was the furthest thing from cool. How did I know Raven wouldn’t get handsy in his sleep?

“I don’t know.”

“It’s a big bed. If you aren’t comfortable, I can take the couch.”

“I’m not making you sleep on your couch.”

“Then stay in my bed and give us a chance.”

I sighed, wanting to more than anything but fearing complications. As far as I ventured into the realm of touch, it always had to be controlled. It couldn’t happen at random and surprises were the last thing I needed.

“Okay. I’ll stay, but I apologize in advance if I have to leave in the middle of the night.”

With my decision made, I crawled out of bed and fetched my black pouch where I’d set it down on his coffee table earlier. Naked, I sat cross-legged on the rumpled comforter and unzipped it. Raven watched intently as I pricked my finger and squeezed a droplet of blood onto the testing strip. When the machine beeped, he peered down at the number displayed—6.8—and frowned.

“Is that good?”

“It’s pretty good. Normal is basically between four and eight.”

I took up the vial of my nighttime insulin and a new needle before drawing my usual dose.

“If it’s normal, then why are you taking insulin?”

I uncapped the needle and considered injection spots. “It’s long-lasting insulin for nighttime. It works over many hours, unlike the other stuff. Kinda forms a base or blanket for me to work off of.”

Deciding on my stomach, I pinched up a handful of skin and gave myself my shot while Raven cringed.

“I don’t think I could do that to myself all the time,” he commented as I recapped the needle and tucked it away in my pouch to dispose of later.

“You get used to it. It’s inject myself or die. As fucked up as my life is, I prefer to live.”

“Touché.”

David Lee Roth had ended, so Raven jumped up and put in another CD, turning the volume lower before returning to the bed. I set my case aside, and we lay beside each other once again.

“Floyd,” I announced.

“Yup. Which album?”

The clanging of bells in the opening song was a dead giveaway. “The Division Bell.”

He chuckled. “Yup.”

We listened to a few songs in silence, as I absorbed the past hour. My mind wandered to what we’d shared, and a slight bitterness returned when I focused on my failures before Raven had taken the lead. I wanted to break down those barriers keeping us apart. I’d done it before, and I was determined to do it again. I wanted more with Raven. Desperately. Before he decided I wasn’t worth it.

With those thoughts came others. I hadn’t been sexual with a guy since college. All my relationships after my first setback were with women. Men never lasted. They showed their impatience quickly, especially if my restrictions kept them at bay for too long. I’d never considered sex with a guy since college because the opportunity had never come up. Even in those days, when I’d been less bothered by touch, I had still required an element of control.

There was one thing I knew would be a hard limit for me now, especially when considering sex with a guy.

“Do you bottom?” I asked at random. “I mean, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, but I feel like I should ask.”

Raven didn’t answer right away, so I turned my head to see why. He studied the ceiling in contemplative thought, his forehead creased, lips drawn tightly together. It was a look of uncertainty.

“You don’t, do you?”

He turned to his side, studying me before answering. “Not really. I have in the past, but it’s never been enjoyable.”

And yet another roadblock we didn’t need. I shrugged, trying to play it off like it was nothing and rolled to my stomach, folding my hands under my head.

“I’m whipped.”

I closed my eyes but could feel Raven watching me.

“Ireland,” he said after I refused to meet his gaze.

“It was just a question. It’s not like I’m anywhere near ready for something like that anyway.”

He got the hint and didn’t press. Before long, the sedation of a recent orgasm worked to pull me under sleep’s veil. Surprisingly, there was little panic in sharing a bed with Raven. I trusted him. More than I ever suspected was possible.