Chapter Eighteen

 

Ireland

Erin would always be my rock, but every day that passed, Raven proved he was just as solid and unmoving. He was determined to be a part of my life. His patience was endless and his encouragement ever-present. It didn’t seem to matter to him that I’d fallen backward a dozen steps and that we’d needed to rebuild from square one. He was there.

I shifted on the hard, plastic chair and scanned the man sitting off to the side of Erin’s desk. We’d never officially met before today, but I’d agreed to allow him to be a part of my therapy sessions. Apparently, he was Erin’s new apprentice and was helping her with her phobia studies.

Erin had stepped out for a moment and encouraged us to make acquaintance. It wasn’t that I was against someone else being present, but I’d spent the past month since my mother died in my own kind of hell. This setback had been the worst one yet. Bad enough, Erin had agreed that a leave of absence from work was necessary. Strangers, especially men, were harder to handle than usual, making work and daily life a challenge. But leave it to Erin to push my boundaries.

“So, you’re in school?”

The man who’d introduced himself as Adrian sat straighter and pushed his glasses up his nose. “I am. Just started my master’s degree. Anxiety disorders, particularly ones caused by extreme phobias, has become a huge interest of mine.”

“Lovely, so I’m a lab rat to you.”

His eyes widened, and he shrank back in his seat, fingers automatically threading through his thick dark hair. “Oh, no. No, not at all. Oh God, that’s not what I meant. See, my boyfriend suffers from heliophobia. A fear of sunlight and other bright lights,” he added when I looked lost. “I came to Dr. Kelby for help a few months ago. He just started seeing her regularly. She’s a good teacher, and the practical experience is helpful. I want to have my own practice someday. So, you’re not a lab rat, I truly want to learn and help her and you any way I can.”

I knew Erin was taking on more and more phobia patients, and I also knew she was planning a conference down the road surrounding her ongoing studies and the results from the therapy she offered. My participation was a given since I was her first official case. When she’d first considered the idea, it was me who she’d looked to for advice. As a patient, how did I feel having my life put on display if it meant helping others and furthering knowledge in the field of psychology?

Before I could respond to Adrian, Erin returned and took a seat across from me at her desk. Adrian’s full focus turned to his notepad.

“Raven’s in the waiting room. Did you want him to come in?”

“Oh, um…” I glanced at the closed door as though I could see him and shrugged. “Sure. He wasn’t sure he could make it.”

I bounced up and let him in, greeting him with a warm smile he returned. It was beginning to feel like we were sardines in a can. Too many adults squeezed into a tiny room. Erin’s office away from the hospital was much more inviting and my preferred place to meet but it wasn’t always possible with her schedule.

Despite my daily dose of anxiety medication, my pulse spiked and skin crawled with the claustrophobia. Instinct made me want to retreat to the far side of the room, but it wasn’t something Erin would allow.

“Since Raven is joining us today, I want you to put your chairs face to face while we talk and maintain a game of your choosing.”

Raven had started coming to my appointments two weeks back—provided they didn’t interfere with his work schedule. Since Erin and I had been meeting twice a week, it wasn’t always possible. I shifted my chair to face Raven, his warm smile seeping into me and injecting calmness. It’d been a tough month, but he’d stood by my side, never wavering in his support or understanding. Contact had been slowly growing between us, but we weren’t anywhere close to the place we’d once been.

Repressing my anxiety, I waved for his hand, and he moved it between us, palm up. Every night as we lay in bed, we worked through a regimen of games until Raven ended with drawing “I love you” on my palm. Baby steps.

Erin spoke while Raven and I responded to her questions. The entire time, we traced letters back and forth on each other’s palms. Raven had learned a lot more about my past and understood more clearly how I’d developed such a phobia to begin with. Each step brought us closer together.

“Okay, so Ireland, I think in another two weeks, I’m going to sign for you to return to work on a lighter schedule. Half days to start.”

My hand jerked with her announcement, and Raven lifted his finger away from where he’d been drawing, eyeing me for permission to continue. Always alert to my reactions.

I shook off the news and nodded for him to keep going.

“Are… Do you think that’s a good idea? I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“You know my feelings on extended leaves. I recognized you were in no position to be at work a month ago, but I also knew Raven wouldn’t let you fall off the face of the earth or withdraw too far into yourself. Depression in your case is a huge concern. You have restrictions on your duties at work. You are making progress. Half days is a good start.” She dipped her head to Raven’s and my joined hands. “It’s time. Look at your progress.”

I blew out a breath and reluctantly agreed. Focusing back on Raven, I realized he’d finished drawing, and I had no idea what letter he’d written.

“Again,” I mumbled, flexing my fingers before holding my hand still.

After therapy, Raven guided me to his van with a huge smirk. He had a bounce in his step as he jingled his keys. “I have an idea for this afternoon,” he announced, spinning and walking backward as he spoke.

“Don’t you have to get back to work?”

“Nope. Ricky and I made good time this morning, and I got finished just in time for your appointment. He took the truck back and did all the paperwork so I could be free this afternoon to spend it with you.”

At the van, he spun and pulled my door open for me, but before I got in, he held up a hand. “The fair is in town. What do you say we go check it out?”

The Dewhurst Point Fall Fair came every year during the third weekend in October. They set up on a Thursday and tore down on Sunday. It was a festival no one in Dewhurst missed. High school students skipped out of class early to attend, and people young and old went for the silly rides, too-sweet foods, and overabundance of games and activities. There were craft displays, baking contests, and even a derby on Sunday afternoon.

It was Friday, and I cringed for a minute, knowing the crowd might be thick, especially as we approached the dinner hour.

“We don’t have to. It was just a thought.”

“No, it’s okay. It’s a good thought. I can practically hear Erin telling me not to hide away.” Lightly, I touched his hand, drawing his fingers into mine. “Let’s do it. Let’s go.”

We drove to the fairgrounds, and Raven found parking in a faraway back corner under a giant oak. The leaves on the surrounding trees were an autumn rainbow of colors—plum, gold, amber, and rusty brown—and the ones that had fallen to the ground already crunched under our feet as we approached the admittance booth. The sky was slate-gray and heavy with clouds, and there was a nip in the air that made jackets a necessity.

With my hands buried deep in my pockets, I scanned the busy park, pivoting on my feet and rising to my toes to get a better view while Raven took care of our fees. The world surrounding me was still a fragile place to navigate. Unless it was someone I knew and trusted, passing objects between hands, or standing too close to strangers was still difficult.

Inside the gate, we were swallowed up by the buzz of excitement all around us. Music played from the various rides circling the park, and the hum of people talking, children laughing, and ride-goers screaming rang through the air. I scanned, taking it all in, hyperaware of everyone and everything. There were peaked tents and food trucks, old ladies dressed as pilgrims selling pies and preserves, livestock, sword swallowers, dancers, and performers of all kinds. A clown made balloon animals for the kids, and another booth was set up as a face painting station. In the few minutes we’d been there, I’d already seen five Spidermans, a Hulk, and three girls with butterflies across their cheeks.

Raven appeared in front of me, startling me out of my observation. “Hold my hand?” he asked, extending said appendage with a hopeful look on his face. “I thought we could walk around, take it all in as we decide what we want to do.”

I bit my hoop and worked a few deep breaths as I focused on him and the good feelings I felt in his company. Storms raged in the near distance of my mind, but I was getting better at keeping them at bay. The echoes still lingered and assaulted my mind more than I liked, but I was in control.

With Raven, I’d gone far.

Keeping hold of my thoughts, I threaded our fingers together, and we strolled through the park, admiring all that was going on. Remaining connected required me to be constantly on alert. Not once could I allow our connection to slip to the back of my mind or I risked a problem. It was an ongoing fight to remain in control, and it was exhausting. When I needed a break and had to pull away, Raven didn’t question it.

“Wanna ride something?” Raven asked, slowing his pace and eyeing the spinning teacups like they were an option.

“Sure, but not that one for two reasons. One, I’ll barf all over you if I spin in too many circles. And two, the g-force will take away my control and force me to cram my body against you. Not that I don’t want that,” I amended, kicking a stone and avoiding his gaze. “It’s just… I can’t do that right now. It has to be my choice.”

I needed control. Being stuck on a ride that forced me to slam into the body next to me without giving me an option to move away was too much.

“No problem. I respect that. You pick one.”

I scanned the park, noting the swings, rickety rollercoasters, and octopus. All life threatening if I considered their construction. Fair rides were a little nerve-racking. They were put up and taken down in a day by people who looked like they spent a great deal of time at the bottom of a bottle. Shuddering, I spied the Ferris wheel on the other side of the park and pointed with my chin in its direction.

“There.”

Raven followed my gaze and smirked. “How romantic of you. Should we wait for sunset, so we can travel to the top and declare our undying love for one another?”

I snorted and kicked his foot to get him walking. “No, because by sunset, I’d rather be lying in your bed being smothered by your kisses. You can tell me how much you love me there just as easily.”

“Tease.” He chuckled and skipped along, dodging a group of teenagers who’d stopped in a clump.

I wasn’t teasing. I really hoped I could push past the anxiety of having Raven’s hands and mouth on me. On all of me. No one was more frustrated by my barriers than I was. I missed having a clear head and a boyfriend I could be intimate with.

We lined up for the Ferris wheel, Raven holding back other people with his body while I crammed myself against the railing. Such a hero protecting me. As much as I hated being the prissy princess, I was grateful for his concern. We had to wait for two cycles before it was our turn to ride. The seats were big enough to fit three people across, but Raven put his foot down when the man seating everybody thought to allow a single rider beside us.

We buckled ourselves in and rode slowly up as they loaded each cart with more people. I slipped my hand into Raven’s, earning me a smile, before leaning my head against his shoulder. The Ferris wheel began to move at a decent pace, and instead of admiring the skyline of Dewhurst and the water in the distance, I closed my eyes and absorbed the man by my side.

Raven’s curls fluttered against my cheek, whipping around loose in the wind. The earthy smell of his shampoo and his natural scent of man warmed my blood and calmed my heart. Raven was quickly becoming a source of serenity again. He never pushed, but he never gave up either. His thumb stroked my hand, and he nuzzled closer, kissing the top of my head.

After the ride, our hands remained joined as we wandered the fair. At a popcorn stand, Raven tugged me toward the lineup. “I’m starving. Want some?”

“Sure.”

I laughed and dislodged from him to stand aside while he bought a bag since there were children goofing around in the line. I wandered to a nearby picnic table and sat down, pulling my glucometer out of my coat pocket and checking my sugars. Popcorn was high in glucose, and if I didn’t compensate with some insulin, I’d be in trouble. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin a good evening with a sugar problem.

Raven joined me, straddling the bench as he munched on a handful of the salty, buttery puffs that had been packed to overflowing in a red and white striped bag. Once I’d given myself a small injection and zipped my coat up again, I reached for the treat to help myself only to have Raven yank it out of the way with a sly look on his face.

“What the hell?” I laughed, trying again to grab some with no luck. “Don’t you wanna share your treat with me?”

“Sure I do.” He positioned a piece between his lips and leaned forward, crooking his finger and encouraging me to take it.

For a beat, I considered, then, to be an ass, I took my finger and shoved the popcorn into his mouth instead, making him laugh and sit back upright as he chewed. “Aw, come on. You can do it. I know you can.”

I reached again for a handful, but he tsked and blocked my attempt. “No way. You don’t want a popcorn kiss then open up.”

With a single piece pinched between fingers, he closed an eye as he took aim at my mouth. I didn’t open up as he requested, so he scowled.

“If you don’t open your mouth, you get no popcorn.”

I shook my head at his games and opened up, sliding back further on the bench, giving him a greater distance and bigger challenge.

“Okay, smart ass, let’s see what you’ve got.”

He aimed and threw, hitting me square in the middle of the forehead. I flinched, and we both burst out laughing. With a second piece, he tried again, only his aim was worse, and he nailed me in the ear instead.

“I’m going to starve to death at this rate. Come on. Need a demonstration?”

Quick as a bunny, I dove my hand into his evasive bag of popcorn and stole a handful. He gasped, and as he worked to tuck it out of reach again, I started chucking popcorn at his face one after another without asking him to open. They pinged off his face as he laughed and shielded himself with an arm.

“Mercy! Mercy! Okay, you win.”

I kept going until my handful was gone, and Raven was keeled over covering his head. We were both laughing so hard we earned a few looks from passersby.

“Okay, seriously though,” Raven said, coming back up since I was fresh out of ammo. Again, he acquired himself a single piece of popcorn. “One time, and then you can have all the popcorn you want.”

He placed the piece between his lips and leaned in, encouraging me with his eyes. I waited for the anxiety spike or the creeping bugs to coat my skin, but it didn’t happen. I leaned forward and carefully took the popcorn from his lips with my own. Hovering close, I stared deep into Raven’s eyes. It’d been over a month since we’d shared a kiss, and the longing behind his baby blues was visible.

With the popcorn pinched between my lips, I pulled back long enough to spit it aside, then, I went back in and joined us in a kiss that was long overdue. Our mouths came together softly at first, but the more time that passed, the more settled my mind became. I edged closer on the bench, opening and taking Raven deeper. Our tongues joined, lacing together and refitting as they had done before. They hadn’t forgotten, and neither had I.

In the distance, a teenager made a catcall, but we both ignored it as we renewed what we’d lost. When we came apart a minute later, Raven breathed out a deep sigh. “I missed that.”

“Let’s go home. Maybe—”

“Don’t push yourself.”

“I’m not. I promise.”

He studied me a minute, likely assessing my honesty, before holding out his hand. I linked our fingers and drew him to stand. The fair was fun, but we’d both had enough, and I really wanted time alone.

 

* * *

 

The arm draped over my eyes acted as a barrier, blocking the light from the bedside table but also ensuring I didn’t get too worked up by watching what was going on. Naked on my back, I listened to Raven’s voice nearby as I grounded myself in the peaceful safety of my calm-spot in my mind.

Trees, their leaves rustling in the wind. Rich, pungent flowers, perfuming the air. The call of birds circling overhead in the cloudless blue sky. Waves sloshing on a nearby beach. Using as many senses as I could, I clung to the meditative practices Erin had taught me long ago, hoping it would help Raven and I get closer.

And Raven’s voice, the deep thrum I adored, held me safe and encouraged me to breathe.

“Tell me what you see,” he said. There was a rustling noise before the bed dipped, and I knew he was on my left. Refusing to break the trance, I kept my eyes shut and focused.

“A beautiful fall day. Nature. Birds. The grass tickles because I’m lying on it naked. The wind is blowing your hair into your face, and you’re smiling at me.”

“I’m there, am I?”

“Yes.” People had never been present in my meditative safe-spot. Raven was the first. “You’re standing a few feet away. Your head is tilted to the sky.” I paused, seeing his image in my mind. “You’re beautiful.”

“Mmm.” His deep-throated, rumbling acknowledgment was close to my ear. “You’re the beautiful one,” he said. His ghosting breath tickled my lobe when he spoke, confirming my suspicions.

“Are you doing okay?” he asked. “Stop me if you’re not.”

“I will.” Without visual confirmation, I couldn’t tell how close he was. Instead of panicking, I breathed deeply, evenly, keeping an inner calm. “I’m okay.”

A whisper of air cascaded over my shoulder, then Raven’s lips met flesh as he planted a gentle kiss. Another landed on my collarbone, then the middle of my chest, and down to my navel. Each kiss was preceded by a warning gust of air. Raven stopped talking as he worked over my entire body with love and tender kisses. It felt good.

When I reached a point where I thought I could handle it, I opened my eyes. Carefully, while I’d been unaware, Raven had straddled my body ensuring we had no additional contact other than where his lips met my flesh, but he was close, so, so close.

For a moment, the storms in the distant reaches of my mind drew closer. Darkness lingered, but I swallowed, pinched my eyes closed briefly and shoved them away. All he had on was a tight pair of black boxer briefs. They didn’t hide his erection, and it strained against the silky fabric. I was naked, and my arousal wasn’t hidden.

Again, the echoes grew in intensity, and my heart tripped faster. Rattling my head, I sent them away.

When he noticed my struggles, he frowned. “Ireland?”

“Don’t stop. I’m okay. Kiss me. Please.”

For a beat, he hesitated like he didn’t trust my words, but then, he leaned in and joined our mouths. It was deep and intimate, more than it was at the fair. I lifted my head, taking him deeper still and caressing his tongue with mine. My mind buzzed, wanting desperately to fight against what was happening, but I ignored it, taking what I wanted, determined not to shrink away or fail.

I broke the kiss, a niggling feeling of being caged sweeping in regardless. My skin tingled, beads of sweat formed at my temples, and panic wrapped its thorny vines around me. Raven being over top of me, trapping me with his arms on either side wasn’t good. My world shrank. Warning bells rang louder.

“M-move over,” I stammered, knowing—hoping—I could do better with more space. More control.

He slipped to my side, and we studied each other. His kiss-swollen lips parted, eyes hungry for more, but overshadowing it all was a real concern for my wellbeing.

I had to prove I was okay. I needed this. Wanted this.

“Take off your underwear. Let me watch you… Please.”

I was sure he was going to question the vibration in my voice. Hiding my struggles was nearly impossible with Raven, but he nodded as he shimmied out of his only article of clothing. His look begged me not to push but also told me he trusted me to stop us if things got too hard.

Naked, he slid his body closer, so only inches separated us, then, with his gaze fixed on my face, he took himself in hand. I did the same, and together we kissed and brought ourselves pleasure. Every so often, our tips glided against one another, our precum mixing, and our mutual moans were swallowed with our joined mouths.

I wanted to touch him, take him in hand and bring him to climax, but the moment I considered taking action, a straight jacket of fear surrounded me. My erection flagged, and I stumbled in our kiss, my hand slowing its pace as I fought to remember how to breathe.

“Ireland. This is enough,” Raven said pulling back to look me in the eyes. “You’re pushing yourself. There is no rush. We can stop—”

“No.” It’s enough, I told myself. There is no rush. “I’m okay. I’m sorry. Keep going.”

I rested my forehead against his and focused on what we had achieved rather than the obstacles still blocking our way. Determined, I shifted my hips closer, removed Raven’s hand from his dick, and took us both together.

I can do this, goddammit.

“Oh, fuck,” he hissed.

I could tell he was trying hard not to buck his hips and aide in any way. Twisting and stroking our joint arousals together, I worked us slowly to our peaks.

“I’m close,” Raven panted.

“Me too.”

Using our precum as lubrication, I worked my hand over our shafts until Raven’s muscles tightened, and he groaned, spilling his release between us. I followed soon after, biting back a cry as I let it take me away.

As we came down from our orgasms, I traced a finger through our combined releases where it had mostly landed on Raven’s abdomen. His labored breathing tickled my ear as he leaned in and kissed my neck, sighing contentedly. “If for one minute you think this isn’t making love…”

“Then what?” I teased. “You gonna call Webster himself and have him change it in the dictionary?”

He chuckled. “Nah, to much work. I’ll just make you do this again and again until you’re convinced.”

“Mmhm. How dare you threaten me.”

He fell back on the bed with a laugh, and I lay beside him, head close to his, our fingers brushing together before they joined.

“I think we need to move in together.”

I lifted my head, eyes widening at Raven’s offhanded remark.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m serious. You hate your apartment, and this loft—although nice in some respects—is not practical. And winter is coming. Frozen nads are not my favorite things. So, it makes sense. Don’t you think?”

He tilted his head, smile broadening and eagerness shining out his eyes.

“It does. Except—”

“Except you require limitations which include a second bedroom for when things aren’t going well. I already considered that, and no, it doesn’t hurt my feelings.”

“You’re pretty amazing, you know that?”

“Nah, just really in love.”

I rested my head beside his again, squirming just a little bit closer, so our thighs touched. “I like that idea. When do you want to start looking?”

“The sooner, the better. Preferably when I’m not covered in jizz.”

I laughed and leaned over him to retrieve his stack of wipes from the end table. When I did, our bodies came into full contact, and it was all right.

One step at a time.