CHAPTER 23
Ali sat with Ram at the picnic table. It was almost 1400. Soon, Cara would be released to her family. Her parents had gone inside Ops to wait in the reception area for their daughter. She couldn’t sit still, her hands moving around the beaded, wet lemonade glass in front of her—he couldn’t wait to see Cara. Just Ram giving her that tender look from time to time, soothed her fractious state. She didn’t regret spontaneously kissing him. It had been a long time coming. Tearing herself from the emotional breakthrough she’d had with him was a must.
“You’ve been a blessing to my parents, Ram. Thank you.” Ali meant it, catching the surprise in his eyes over her praise. “I’m really glad you decided to come home with me. You’ve added a dimension to Cara’s issues that my folks wouldn’t have known otherwise.” Her heart was wide open to this man because she was seeing Ram in very different circumstances now. Not in combat. Not in danger. But in a loving family environment, and Ali sensed his awkwardness—or his reluctance—to be here with them. Probably because of their mutually nasty past, she guessed, and she had no one to blame but herself. Or perhaps his own dysfunctional childhood had played a part in it, even though she had yet to know the particulars. How badly Ali wanted to ask him, but now was not the time.
“Cara’s going to need a lot of support,” he warned. “I’ve seen similar situations on other missions with Artemis, where women working for Delos in a third-world country were kidnapped and raped by their captors. They come back changed, and not in a good way.” His voice lowered with feeling. “You have great parents. I’ve got to think that with a little help from us, they can begin to understand Cara’s PTSD state.”
“You’ve really surprised me, Ram.”
“Oh?”
Opening her hands, Ali admitted, “You tolerate my parents. I told you they were very tactile people: huggers, touchers, and kissers.”
One corner of his mouth lifted slightly. “It’s a nice thing, Ali. Nothing wrong with it.”
“Mama and Papa will just dote on you. I hope you know that.” She saw confusion in his expression and she added, “They like you, Ram. You’re a genuine hero in their eyes. And you know, when Mama said they were adopting you, it’s a real tribute to you. Native Americans adopt others who are kind, loving, and helpful to them. They often have an extended family, adopting an individual, or an entire family, and assimilating them into their own. The most important thing in their culture is adopting another person. You really are looked upon as a son to them. You are in their hearts. That’s how they see and will treat you. You’re a part of them, and they are a part of you now.”
“I didn’t understand what it all meant,” he admitted, sipping the lemonade, watching the doors of Ops to see when the family would show up with Cara.
“It’s a huge honor to the person who is adopted—and they do mean what they say, Ram. My parents are heart-centered people. They would never lie, cheat, or steal from anyone. They walk their talk. There are no games, no manipulations. What you see is what you get.”
“I saw that in you from the first time I met you, Ali. It’s one of the things that I’ve always admired and respected about you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this years ago, Ram? That would have been nice for me to know.” She saw his cheeks turn ruddy with embarrassment.
“We didn’t have that kind of footing or environment to say things like that to one another at that time.”
“Well,” she said, an edge in her husky tone, “there was a lot of things I wanted to share with you, but you locked me out, Ram, like you locked everyone else out. You were on our team, but in your heart you were a loner working amongst us. You never joined in or seemed interested when one of the guys’ wives had a baby. I watched you walk away as he was sharing the photo and wanted everyone to watch a short video. You disappeared.”
She saw his eyes go flat and his game face appeared, so she couldn’t interpret his reaction to her words. “We all wanted you to be a part of our team family, but you never integrated with us. I never could figure out why. These were all great guys and we all worked so well together.”
Ram shook his head. “That’s the past. Let it go, Ali.”
Grimly, she stared at him. Somehow, that one kiss had opened up so much of what she’d sat upon. It was easier now, to remain open to him. “You hide so much of yourself.” Her voice became emotional and she let him know that his reaction upset her. “When a person hides behind heavy walls and is never vulnerable with those around him, it’s impossible to become attached to anyone else. Ram, I hated what you did to us. You kept me locked out, too. I didn’t want that. I wanted to know you. And yet, on missions you were terrific, reliable, and had our backs, like we had yours. We all knew how good you were and we trusted you.” She looked away, her throat tight with so many emotions she’d kept at bay. Lifting her chin, she held his stormy eyes but he refused to be baited, stonily silent.
“You didn’t trust us with the real you. You trusted us out on missions, but that’s where it ended. What the hell happened to you when you were young, Ram? I’ve beaten my head against the wall trying to figure you out, and I never have. All I could come up with was that something happened to you when you were very young, something life-changing, and it locked you down so you didn’t trust anyone but yourself.”
Ram moved restlessly, trying to throw off the tension collecting swiftly in his shoulders. He clasped his large hands around the wet lemonade glass, staring hard at her. “Ali, this isn’t the time or place to talk about such things. Let’s just leave it at that for right now? Cara should be your only focus, not me.”
She sat up, spine straight, her nostrils flaring. “Did it ever possibly occur to you that I care about you as a human being? Not just as an operator who’s out on a mission with me. Has it?” She saw shock land like an IED exploding under his feet.
“No, not ever,” he muttered defensively, his brows drawing downward as he stared into his glass. “We didn’t have that kind of connection with one another.”
“Because you always locked me out, Ram, dammit!” She cursed softly and grappled with a barrage of feelings, trying to tuck them away instead of letting them escape, screaming to finally be given a voice after all these years. Ram was obstinate, as usual. She could feel those thick, hard walls around him and he was protecting himself from her, from this serious, personal conversation they were locked in.
It was the first time Ali had ever talked with him on such an intimate level and she knew by kissing him, taking the lead, letting him know what she honestly wanted from him, was going to cause a lot of ups and downs between them. There was confusion in his eyes and she felt him waffling between who they had been before she’d kissed him, and the man he’d been toward her before. She could see the awful result of his past haunting his present. He boarded up like an Abrams tank. Damn him! The anguish combined with anger in his eyes snapped at her. She was really pushing him and she didn’t know why, other than to try to find the man who hid beneath those walls.
“I lock everyone out, Ali. This isn’t about you.”
“No, just the whole damned human race in general!”
“Why are you so angry? I don’t understand it.”
“I don’t know, Ram. If I tell you that I sincerely care for you as a person, you throw it away. Like it means nothing to you. I know you too well to believe that.”
His mouth flattened and he held her angry gaze. “Did I throw away your kiss? No. I didn’t.” His nostrils flared and he growled, “You don’t know me at all, so let’s just leave it at that for right now, shall we?”
“I will. But if you’re staying with us you can’t be this way with my family, Ram. They’re warm, outgoing people. You’ve seen that. And when Cara comes home she doesn’t need you to be like this, like you were with me: the robot operator.”
“If that’s the way you really feel, I should leave.”
She glared at him. “Don’t you dare run away! My folks just adopted you! You’ll hurt them so badly. You will not do that to them, Ram Torres!”
“You have your mother’s fierceness, that’s for sure,” he muttered. “I came here for you, Ali. I told you that earlier when you asked me to come home with you. I thought I could be of some help in some small way to you in this situation with Cara.”
Shock bolted through her and she blinked once to assimilate his low, quietly spoken words. It was true, he had said that. All the anger had left his eyes and now she felt him opening up just a tiny bit with her. “I remember you saying it, but I thought you did this for Cara. I thought you were just trying to make me feel better because I was pretty low when we talked about it in the cave.”
Shaking his head, Ram slugged down the last of the lemonade and set the glass aside. “I did it for you, Ali. I know I’m not very good with human social tools, but I think I know how much Cara means to you. And she is going to need a lot of help and support. I agreed to come here because of you, not her. Are we clear on that now?”
“I-I didn’t honestly realize that. Damn you, Ram! You never share what’s really on your mind or what you’re feeling! I always have to find out after the fact!” She slammed her open palm down on the table, frustration clear in her voice.
At that moment, he looked more like a little boy who had done something wrong and gotten caught. Oh why couldn’t she stop getting so angry with him? Why couldn’t she just button it up and be the adult here, because he was trying very hard to be that for her?
“The good news is that I do this with everyone, Ali. Not just you.”
“Oh, like I’m supposed to feel better about it? Bullshit! You’re hiding, Ram. You’re hiding yourself from everyone. I think there’s a really wonderful man you’re keeping all of us from seeing and knowing. But you won’t even give us a chance to meet him! If you really did come here for me, I’m truly shocked by it. I thought I’d be the last person you’d want to be around!”
“Goes to show you that you’re wrong, doesn’t it,” he muttered, staring at her glumly.
Ali sat there, digesting everything Ram had just admitted. He had given so little of himself to her in the past. Bewilderment swept through her, too. The way he’d returned her kiss had melted her heart into her soul. He was so tender and careful, reading her, allowing her to go as far as she wanted, not what he wanted. That kiss had changed the dynamic between them forever. Best of all, Ram had told her he was doing this for her, not Cara. But what the hell did that mean? How was she to interpret that? Struggling with her impatience and anger, she pushed it deep inside herself. Ram had come to Tucson for her.
That, in part, had driven her to kiss him. As always, in the SEAL team, Ram had her back—and he had it now. Ali didn’t have the time she desperately needed to figure out why the hell she’d kissed Ram. Something so deep, so visceral, and crying to be given voice, had driven her to do it. And to her utter surprise, he’d responded in kind.
Ram had given her so much in that kiss that she still felt shaky and joyous over it. She thought he’d turn her away, tell her no, but he hadn’t. And now, Ali understood both of them were still grappling with what happened, why it happened, and what it all meant.
“You know what you are? You’re a conundrum. Something so complex, like a Gordian knot, that no one can possibly understand who you really are, Ram. It’s a great camouflage maneuver, but that’s what it is. You remind me of the hero, John Galt, of Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. Completely iconic, an ice castle, a fortress no one could ever bridge or get entry into. Is that how you really want to live your life?” her voice cracked.
Ram shrugged. “I don’t know, Ali. I really don’t.” His eyes narrowed speculatively upon her. “That kiss changed everything.”
“Why did you really come here with me?” she asked hoarsely. “Because you know I need an open, trusting, and vulnerable relationship with people. I like living my life with emotional connections. I don’t need what you’re offering me. I couldn’t live that way. You shut people out, Ram. It’s all logic and mental. You don’t want to connect with them emotionally or support me in that way. Ever.”
And yet, when his mouth slid tenderly against hers, she felt his heart, his wounded soul, and wanted so badly to make love to this man. She knew she could help heal his heart.
“I don’t have an answer to that yet,” he admitted hoarsely, shrugging. “I’m not all bad, Ali. I came here to support you while you help Cara get back on her feet.”
That was true, Ali admitted. Ram had never been a bad guy. He was a good guy stuffed into some kind of horrible emotional prison. Frustration ate at her as she held his sad gaze. Maybe Ram really didn’t see himself because he was so disconnected emotionally from the world around him. That kiss, however, was hot, connected, and pure emotion he had shared with her.
Her intuition, which had never led her wrong, said that he had been deeply wounded as a child. This wasn’t Asperger’s syndrome or some other kind of mental cage that he was trapped in. No, something—whatever it was—had cut into Ram’s heart and scarred his soul, perhaps permanently damaging him. Her heart was reaching out for him because of that.
Because of their unexpected intimacy in the cave, she gathered her fears and decided to meet this relationship or whatever it was becoming, head on. “How are you here for me, Ram? What does that mean? I don’t know how to interpret your words. You need to tell me.” She kept the anger and all the rest of her emotions out of her voice, becoming more gentle toward him. No one liked being yelled at, and she’d had years of doing that with him. Even now, Ali could see him trying to grapple with her questions, like he cared enough to actually try and answer them. That was new, and she clung to his reaction.
If Ram had been deeply wounded as a child, it would be tough for him to try and turn himself inside out for what she needed from him—an honest, open relationship. But was he talking relationship here or not? That kiss said yes. She was flummoxed and couldn’t sort it out just yet, but she needed to get an answer, and he wasn’t willing to go there.
Maybe he didn’t know why he’d come here to support her? Was it the changes in the last three years that had matured him and made him want to try and reach out for a more human connection with her? Did Ram see her as a person he could trust and eventually open up to and share his closeted emotions? Was that why he’d kissed her in return?
“I don’t know, Ali,” he mumbled, shaking his head. “This kiss we shared, well, it’s all new to me. I’m not fully clear on why I’m doing it. I just know that you need support right now. Cara is going to be a psychological and emotional mess and we both know it. I came with you to see if I could help you, is all. You’re going to take the brunt of her trauma. It’s not going to be easy on you. Maybe I could be a shoulder to lean on, and maybe hold you like I did once before?”
Touched, she felt her heart turn and open to him. He was truly struggling, trying to be honest, trying to open up to her, but he was so damned imprisoned by his past that he couldn’t climb up and out of it—at least, not yet. And what did she want out of this? What were her expectations?
Searching his face, she felt the presence of the scared little six-year-old boy, wanting something—her—so badly, but having no experience in reaching out and touching her. She wanted to cry at that moment, swallowing several times, forcing the tears back as she held his lowered gaze.
Ali felt so many other emotions toward Ram in those silent moments that strung tautly between them. Her epiphany was that despite their past, they truly cared for one another. Ram was doing the best he could in showing it to her. She’d been blind to his reaching out to her, she realized. So jaded by their collective past, she didn’t recognize his tentative, fragile gesture toward her until he’d kissed her.
Now, replaying those conversations, the changes in Ram in the cave, their initial searching talks with one another, the fact that he wanted peace between them—not war—all hit her like a powerful, awakening avalanche. Blinking, she stared at the glass of lemonade she kept moving around and around between her hands. Her mind worked at lightning speed as she began to see Ram in a whole new way.
Her heart opened up with fierce emotions toward him. The warmth of the discovery coated the insides of her, allowing this new view and perspective on him to drip, drop by drop, softly into her awakening consciousness. There had always been something there—something good—between them. Ali knew that from the day she’d met him. Ram had never been a mean person. He had sterling traits, the strong morals and solid values that she held herself. They were so much alike except in one way: he was closed up emotionally and she was not. That was their impediment. The wall that hadn’t ever been breached.
“Okay,” she whispered, giving him a tender look, “I accept that you’re here for me, Ram. Thank you for putting yourself out there because I know you don’t have to do that. I have no idea why you’re doing it, but I could use your help because I think Cara’s going to be a basket case, if she isn’t already. I know my parents aren’t educated in PTSD in order to help her in ways that maybe we could. And you especially might see things that I won’t because I’m too immersed in my own feelings and reactions as she suffers. I don’t know that I’ll be able to have the objectivity like you would have to see nuances that could help us to help her.”
“That’s what I was thinking, Ali. I’m not good at putting a lot of what you just said into words. But that’s why I’m here for you. Maybe, if nothing else, I can be there when it’s been a tough day.” He gave her an apologetic look. “I came to support you. I know your parents invited me to come, to thank me, but I think you’re going to need help because Cara is nothing like you. You have strength built into you. I didn’t see it in her at all after we rescued her. She’s like a clam without a protective shell. And that’s not good. You know it and so do I.”
“You’re right,” she whispered, her voice off key, heavy with tears. “And honestly, yes, I can use your help. But you have a family, too. You could be back at your condo in Virginia, resting up. You don’t have to put yourself through this emotional meat grinder with us, Ram. I just don’t understand why you’d do it.” She saw him perk up a bit, his brows raising marginally, giving her a thoughtful look.
“It just feels like the right thing to do, Ali. That’s all I can say. I’m here for you—for as long as you need me, and Wyatt has already approved my PSD status. I’ll be Cara’s body guard, if she wants, but we need to hear what her needs are, first. Tyler is going to take care of Mazzie for me until I can get back to Artemis. I’ll leave when you tell me to leave. It won’t hurt my feelings. I’ll do what I can for you, for your family, for as long as it takes or until you grow tired of having me under foot. I tend to wear people out pretty quickly, I’ve found. Fair enough?”
She felt him reaching out again, that invisible olive branch being offered to her once more. Ram was stunted in social skills, no question. But she could feel the honesty of his emotions. She heard it in his low, deep voice, and saw the burning sincerity in his gaze. Her heart swelled with such powerful feelings that for a moment she was caught off guard and couldn’t speak, only feel.
“Fair enough. My parents adore you, and respect you. I don’t think they want you to leave any time soon, Ram. And I can use your help, your objectivity, when it comes to Cara. We can talk between ourselves and formulate a plan for her going forward. We both know about PTSD because we are dealing with it. I’m worried I’ll be too emotionally involved with Cara to be logical or see things objectively that you will see just because she isn’t your sister.”
“Okay,” he murmured, “that makes me feel better. I can be a watch dog and subtly observe Cara, listen to her words, see her actions and reactions. I’m pretty sure you’ll be on top of things. I doubt I’ll be adding much, but I’ll try. That’s all I can give you.”
She looked toward Ops. There was Cara between her mother and father. “Cara’s with them,” she warned Ram. Reaching out, she gripped his thick wrist for a moment. “What you give me and my family? It’s enough, Ram. And I’m about ready to sob my life away because you’d do something like this for all of us. You’re an incredible man. You really are.” She wanted to add, I’m so glad we kissed! But she swallowed hard, stuffing the words back down within her.
“The next weeks, maybe month, are going to be tough on all four of you,” he warned heavily, watching the family’s progress as they walked across the street from Ops. Cara was between her parents, their arms wrapped around her waist. She was terribly pale, even though her skin was the same golden tone as Ali’s. Ram knew Cara was emotionally devastated. He turned his attention to Ali as she released his wrist. “We’ll get through this together, Ali. I’ll be there for you, and for your family, the best I know how.”
Ali’s eyes filled with tears as her folks walked toward them, Cara safely tucked in the middle. They sauntered down the sidewalk toward the picnic table where they sat.
“Okay,” she whispered brokenly, “Ram, thank you . . . ” she couldn’t go on because if she tried, she’d begin to weep as if there was no tomorrow. The look in Ram’s eyes was of a man yearning for his woman as he held her tearful stare. It was there and it stunned Ali. His mouth coupling with hers filled her with bright, rich promises that something so pure and good between them existed. It was something she’d known all along, but had brutally suppressed. A few days ago, he turned her world upside down and inside out. She knew Ram had feelings for her, man to woman, once and for all. They were on completely different footing with one another and she felt her own internal balance was shattered by that realization. They were starting all over. No longer enemies. But what were they? Friends? Lovers? As Ali stood up and waited for her parents and sister to arrive, her heart whispered, “Anything is possible now.”
THE BEGINNING . . .