Anders threw a party Saturday night at his house, which turned out to be not that far from mine. It was his eighteenth birthday.
His dad remained on the scene, playing fantasy basketball with his friends in the den. So long as no major laws or furniture were broken, that’s where they’d stay. While his father had been cool with the party, his mom apparently had reservations. As per the usual, there was the keg of beer, though this time it stayed concealed in a small pool house surrounded by a garden. Lots of bikinis and loud music, with people sneaking in and out of the structure holding red Solo cups, ensued.
Still no sign of John.
“And here is a variety of nutritious juices. Lots of vitamins and nutrients,” said Anders, giving Hang, Sophia, Carrie, and me a tour of the party. The flashing tiara on his head left little doubt as to in whose honor the event was being held. “Very healthy. You’ll be able to dance all night on that natural energy.”
“Looks delicious,” said Carrie. “And there’s the dance floor. See you guys later!”
Soph laughed and off they went, hand in hand.
“Yes, lots of fruit and water. Some sodas, too. But be careful—they have a lot of sugar in them and that’s no good for your teeth.” Anders carefully pushed aside the sober items to get to the individual bottles of juice-and-vodka mixers below. He popped the lid on one and handed it to Hang, then did the same for me. “Nothing alcoholic, sorry, because Mom is afraid of God smiting us. So, just the good kid stuff tonight.”
“What about the keg?”
“You’re imagining it, along with that alcoholic beverage in your hand. I wouldn’t dare go against my mother’s wishes.” Anders smiled. “When do I get my birthday kiss?”
Her chin went up. “Who said I was giving you one?”
“Well, what if I just quickly felt you up, then? Over the top of your swimsuit. That would be a nice gift.”
“Ha!” Hang headed for the pool. “Dream on.”
“What if you felt me up, then? That would be great too. It could be like my gift to you.”
“Not happening.”
“How about we play spin the bottle, later. Just you and me.” He followed behind her like a very large and overeager puppy. “Can’t have a party without party games, right?”
Beside a fire pit, John Cole sat surrounded by some of the school’s finest. Sports stars, rich ones, and various cool types, all of them laughing and chatting and drinking. Erika had seated herself on a new guy’s lap. Not that it mattered. No way would I wander over and say hi to John. He might fit in with those types, but I didn’t. I’d stick with my friends and head for the dance floor. Time to burn off some of my pent-up frustration, and other equally unwelcome emotions, with Carrie and Soph.
We took turns fetching drinks. Some were water, some weren’t. After an hour or two, I had a nice buzz going, my body drenched in sweat and a broad smile on my face. My friend Marie from Bio had even joined us for a while.
“Pool?” asked Soph, panting.
“Pool,” Carrie and I agreed.
They both had bathing suits on under their clothes, but I just toed off my flats. Good enough. In we went, denim shorts and tank top and all, making an almighty splash. Cool water closed over my head and the muted bass of the music thumped on, before I resurfaced to the summertime smell of chlorine. Man, it felt good.
Sophia and Carrie started floating around, kissing. Meanwhile, Anders and Hang appeared to be having a deep and meaningful conversation over by the steps. I was on my own. All good. I climbed out, going in search of first, a towel, and second, food. Turned out John had the first one already covered.
“Hey,” he said, wrapping me up in a monster-size towel. Shades of green and yellow decorated his face, the bruises slowly fading. His knuckles seemed a little better too.
“Hi. Thanks.”
I wrung out my hair. Only about a gallon of water came out. My wet clothes had the towel saturated in under a minute. This was the problem with going in fully clothed. Oh, well.
“Damn.” He smiled. “We need another one just for your hair—come on.”
I followed him around the side of the house to another door leading into a laundry room. Guess he’d spent a lot of time here over the years. For certain, he knew his way around. He had two fresh towels out of the closet in no time. One got exchanged for the drenched thing wrapped around me, but the second he kept hold of, using it to gently pat my hair dry.
“I can do that,” I said.
“I got it.” His voice dropped low, sending a strange thrill down my spine. Given we were platonic, he was certainly being very handsy. No. John was just a friend. Just a . . . hell, not even I could quite believe that one anymore. “How was the water?”
“Nice. Cooling.” And this was strange. Very strange.
Once my clothes reached the point of damp as opposed to dripping, little more could be done. I put the wet towel on top of the washing machine, ready to be hung out once John got done with my hair. Only, work on my head stalled at that point, his gaze flickering from my face to the wet T-shirt competition happening below.
Oh man, my nipples. How pointedly embarrassing.
I crossed my arms over my chest. “So, what have you been up to? I haven’t seen you since detention.”
“Yeah.” He licked his lips. “I’ve been busy.”
“Avoiding me.”
“Possibly.”
I laughed. “Definitely. Don’t worry, I no longer wish to lecture you on the evils of getting into trouble at school. Especially when it’s because of me.”
“No?” His expression eased. “Good.”
“Though it’s totally hypocritical of you to avoid me like that.”
He bit back a smile. “Heard someone had their car egged the other day. You know, I think it was that asshole who grabbed you.”
“Wow, what a coincidence. And such a shocking attack on private property.”
“Mm.”
I kept my face blank. Innocent as a lamb. Baa.
“You wouldn’t know anything about it then?” he asked.
“Absolutely not.”
“Uh-huh.” Brows scrunched up, he was obviously unconvinced. “Next time, when you’re not doing things like that, let me know so I can watch your back. Okay?”
I just smiled.
“I’m serious, Edie.”
“I heard you, but my back was covered.”
“Anders would have been pissed if you’d gotten Hang into trouble,” he said.
“Hang’s a big girl; she can make her own choices.”
For a moment, he just looked at me. “Can’t believe you egged his car.”
“I admit to nothing.”
He gave me a lopsided smile and it actually made me feel a little light-headed. God, everything this boy did got to me. Either that, or I’d had more to drink than I realized. Whatever. Emergency escape time. I had to get out of here before I did something stupid. “I’m going to head home.”
He stopped. “What? You’re leaving already?”
“Yeah, I need a change of clothes,” I said. “Plus, I’ve danced, I’ve drunk, I’ve swum. Work was actually pretty busy today, so . . . time for bed.”
“How’d you get here?”
“Hang’s dad dropped us off. I’ll just walk home.”
“Okay,” he said. “I’ll walk with you.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“You’re always telling me what I don’t have to do for you.” He shook his head, smiling faintly. “I know what’s right and wrong, and I know what I want. You’re not walking home alone at night, Edie. I’d drive you, but I’ve had a few drinks myself.”
“All right. No need to get feisty.”
He just laughed and threw the towel aside. “C’mon, let’s go.”
I fetched my bag, and as per protocol, texted the girls good-bye. The breeze was chilly. Summer had officially come to an end. John took off the button-down shirt he had on over his T-shirt and handed it to me without a word.
Happily, it also took care of the nipple issue. “Thanks.”
“I was watching you dance. You’re good.”
“Years of playing ‘Just Dance’ in the family room, and I never did reach the high scores.”
“I’m serious.”
I groaned. “You’re making me self-conscious.”
“Don’t be.”
“Right,” I said, laughing a little too loud. “I’ll flick off that switch because you said so.”
He just smiled and shook his head. Seemed he was doing that a lot tonight.
“Thanks,” I eventually mumbled.
“Why can’t girls ever take a compliment? They’ve always got to act embarrassed for some reason.”
I harrumphed. “Like you do any better.”
“What do I do?” He tipped his chin. “Hmm?”
“You ignore them outright. Just pretend like I never spoke.”
A small shake of the head. “No, I don’t.”
“Yeah, you do.”
“Hit me with one,” he demanded.
“Um. I don’t know.” He was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, his body a dream. He was sweet and loyal and honest and kind and strong and smart and he made me feel safe, something I didn’t think would ever happen again anywhere with anyone. “You’re a good driver. Very safe.”
“Thank you, Edie.”
“You’re welcome, John.”
“You’re damn good at pool. Whipped my ass.”
“Thanks,” I said.
Up high, clouds covered the sky. No moon to gaze at, no stars to wish upon. Though really, what would I wish for? John was walking beside me and it seemed harsh to burden a distant sun with my desire for world peace. It probably had its own problems.
“When are we playing again?” he asked. “I need a chance to beat you, get back my dignity.”
“Can’t handle being beaten by a girl?”
The side of his mouth turned up. “No. Just don’t like losing in general.”
“Fair enough. We can play again whenever you like.”
“Good.”
He stopped, kicking at a stone on the road. We were at my house already. It really hadn’t been far. The porch light was on, the driveway empty. Mom said she had another thing going on with her friends; God knows what time she’d be home. She was out a hell of a lot lately. But since it benefited me, I’d decided not to complain.
“Thanks for walking me,” I said, arms crossed over my chest again to hide my nerves. And why I was nervous, I had no idea. “Want to come in?”
The look he gave me, I couldn’t read. It was guarded by fences, doors, walls, probably even mines, and a moat.
“Just to hang out,” I said. “You know.”
“Nah.” He looked back the way we’d come. “I, ah, better get back.”
“See you later then.”
A nod.
“Don’t get into any more fights,” I said. “Please.”
He just smiled. “’Night.”
While I unlocked the door, he waited at the curb, watching. He stood with his hands in his pockets, the wind whipping his loose hair about his face. I waved and went inside, locking the door behind me. It felt like a part of me was still out there with him, though. As if I’d been cut in two.
Crazy.
A shower washed the chlorine out of my hair, I’d blow-dried it, and put on my favorite black-and-white polka-dot pajamas. I opened my curtains and pushed up my window, searching the night sky. Only a little of the cloud cover had moved, allowing a couple of stars to shine through.
After a bowl of Cheerios, my stomach was happy. Book in hand, I settled down to read and actually started to get somewhere. Now that the buzz from the drinks had dimmed, it felt good to be home. I’d gone out and socialized with little to no awkwardness. Go, me.
The couple in the book wouldn’t get their act together. So very annoying.
A voice at the window said my name.
“John?”
Without waiting for an invitation, he climbed right on in. I shuffled back to give him room on my bed. Converse tucked beneath him and hands on his knees, he sat, looking down at me. Studying me. Given my usual patience levels, I could only take about ten seconds of his silence.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, setting my book aside.
“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong.”
“Then why are you looking at me like that?”
He swallowed hard. “I did want to come in and hang out with you earlier, but . . .”
“But what? Why didn’t you then?”
Instead of speaking, he kissed me.
Of course, I kissed him back. Of course I did.
Holy shit. Our mouths moved against each other, his hands cradling my face. This was what I’d needed, what I’d been waiting for without even really knowing. His skin on mine, his breath on my face. I couldn’t get close enough, no matter how I tried. Eyes hazy and lips wet, he kissed me slow and sweet. It seemed endless, as necessary to life as breathing.
Then, faces only inches apart, we just stared at each other.
I had nothing. No words at all.
Fingertips slid over my cheek, along my jaw. He swallowed hard. “Hey.”
“Hi.”
“I was going to head back to Anders’s place.”
I nodded. “You said.”
“Couldn’t bring myself to go.”
“You’ve been out there this whole time?”
His expression seemed bewildered and yet amused. Amazed even. The light in his eyes like he was almost laughing. “Must have looked like a goddamn stalker.”
“Are you drunk or high?”
“No. I had a few beers earlier, but they’ve pretty much worn off now.”
Huh. “You stared at my house, then climbed in the window and kissed me?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
His brows rose. “I don’t know. ’Cause it was the only thing that made sense. I just, I keep thinking about that night with you at my place.”
“You do?”
“It’s like I can’t get it out of my head.”
“I think about it too,” I said. “Maybe we both need lobotomies.”
“The sex wasn’t even that good,” he said somewhat bluntly. “’Specially not for you.”
“That’s not true.”
He just gave me a look.
“Well,” I hedged. “I mean, I think it was probably as good as it could have been. For me.”
“It can be a lot better. I promise,” he said. “Anytime you want a do-over, just let me know.”
I smiled. “I am glad it was with you.”
He smiled too. Then he tucked my hair behind my ear, softly running his thumb over the new scar cutting across my forehead. “Hate how that asshole hurt you.”
“You got hurt too. You got shot.”
His smile morphed into something altogether more serious. “Yeah. But I should have been able to protect you.”
“Don’t,” I said. “We both got out alive. That’s what matters.”
“Hmm.”
Head tilted, he placed his mouth against mine. It was just that easy, falling back into our kiss. This time he led me down onto the mattress, onto my back. All without our lips separating for more than a moment. Bliss felt like this, his thumb running back and forth along my jawline, fingers resting on my neck. I touched his face and held back his hair. I kissed him deeper, trying to show him how much he meant to me, how much I cared.
Over the top of my tank, his hand stroked down my side, fingers straying close to my breast. Oh, man. It all felt so incredibly good. The hot and hard length of his body resting against mine. All sorts of obscene thoughts ran riot through my head. I wanted more and more. I wanted everything. Guess it was a problem with sex. Once you’d gone that far, the expectation would be to go there again. But I didn’t know if I was ready. And I really didn’t know what doing it with John a second time might mean.
I broke away, breathing hard.
“It’s alright,” he said, pressing kisses to the side of my face. “We don’t have to go any further.”
“How did you know?”
“You stiffened up.” He tucked his hair behind his ear. “It’s okay. I’m good with just this.”
“You are?”
“Yeah.”
I frowned, embarrassed. “But you’re used to having sex.”
“It won’t kill me, Edie,” he said gently. “Relax.”
Timid messed-up maiden, that was me. I slipped my hand beneath the sleeve of his shirt, curving my fingers around his non-injured shoulder. Touching him came naturally, I couldn’t have stopped my fingers if I tried. Not that I was interested in trying. “One more uncomfortable question: What does this mean?”
“It means I like being here kissing you.”
I let out a long breath. “Okay.”
“Is that enough?”
“Yes,” I said, because it was. For now. “Next time, don’t stand out in the dark. Just come in, okay?”
His gaze softened. “Thanks. Don’t know why I did that, why I couldn’t just make up my mind. Maybe I really am going crazy.”
“You’re not crazy.”
“Sure about that?” he asked.
“Yes. Well, mostly.” Best to be truthful. “I think anyone who went through what we did is bound to come out of it a bit of a mess.”
“Yeah.” He laughed. “No idea when I slept last. Like, really slept.”
“Then lie down.” I rolled onto my side, facing him as he lay his head on the pillow next to mine. “Close your eyes.”
He did as told for about a second. “Always feel like I’m wired. Like something’s about to happen, I just don’t know what.”
“I get that too,” I said. “Sort of like I’m on the edge of a panic attack. Just waiting.”
“Weed helps sometimes. Not always.”
“Mr. Solomon taught me a breathing technique. Lie on your back,” I ordered, doing likewise. “Put one hand on your stomach and one hand on your chest.”
“I’d rather put a hand on your chest. Probably wouldn’t calm me down, though.”
“Probably not. One on your stomach and one on your chest. Yours. As in, your own.” I waited until he complied, watching him out of the corner of my eye. “Now, breathe in for three seconds through your nose. Then hold it for ten seconds before exhaling through your mouth.”
Together, he and I did the breathing. Air rushing in, waiting, then air pushing out.
“Only the hand on your chest is supposed to be moving. Oh, and you’re supposed to think ‘relax’ as you exhale,” I said. “Go again.”
“This is what your mom pays that shrink a fortune for?”
“Shut up and breathe.” I inhaled, holding it in, trying to think peaceful thoughts. Then let it all out.
“How long do we do this for?” he asked, breathing in deeply.
“As long as it takes. Keep going.”
I switched off the lamp, watching the outline of him in the dark, waiting for my night vision to kick in. With the required rhythm, his chest rose and fell. Then I realized he still had his shoes on. Not so comfortable. Dealing with the laces made things tricky and he might have laughed at me just a bit for fumbling around in the dark. But whatever.
“Close your eyes and concentrate,” I said.
“They’re closed.” A few minutes later, he yawned, and whispered, “I’ll go before your mom gets home.”
“Okay.” I lay down beside him, listening to his breathing, feeling a cool breeze blow in through the open window. Everything was perfect.
Turned out, we both fell asleep just fine.