Monday morning, John was waiting by my locker when I got to school. I’d texted him to say I was still amongst the living, but that I’d explain the terms of my parole in person. Just seeing him again made me feel better. The intensity of my feelings for him actually scared me, to be honest. And overriding all of that was the deeply embarrassing memory of Mom losing it at us yesterday morning.
How many females must he have slept with? Hypothetical question; I didn’t really want to know. I highly doubted, however, that he’d ever hung around to get told off by anyone’s mom before.
“Hey,” he said.
My black Keds were so fascinating. I’d just keep on looking at them. “Hey. Sorry about yesterday, it was—”
“Edie,” he said, the frown evident in his voice. “Look at me. What happened?”
I dumped my bag, slumping against the row of lockers. “Well, I’m grounded for all of eternity, of course. Matt, Mom’s fiancé, is going to chaperone me on the nights when Mom is at work.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah.” I shrugged. “I mean, he’s not so bad. I know him, I’m comfortable with him being around and everything. But he’s not going to let us disappear for drives or anything either. Eventually Mom’s going to switch back to just doing day shifts. With Matt living with us, money won’t be so tight.”
John slumped next to me, keeping his eyes on my face.
“I really am sorry about Mom making a scene,” I said.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“We didn’t even really do anything.”
Brows raised, he asked, “Regret that now?”
“A little.”
An almost smile. “What about weekends, any chance you’re allowed out then?”
I hissed through my teeth. “That’s the awkward, horrible, and kind of tricky bit.”
“Go on.”
“You’re not going to like it.”
“Tell me.” His beautiful face remained as cool and calm as ever.
Having a private conversation in a school hallway was difficult business. Some girl walking by called his name. He ignored her. A jock-type dude slapped his back for no apparent reason. Eyes were on us. Of course, together we always warranted attention from the student body. Sad for them to have nothing more interesting going on in their lives. Sometimes the attention bugged me. This morning, though, I just didn’t have the energy to care.
We only had about five minutes before class started, but I’d rather blurt it out and be done with it than wait until lunchtime or after school.
“Okay.” I took a deep breath. “Mom said I’m only allowed to go out Saturday nights, and my curfew is nine o’clock. She’s going to be tracking my phone and randomly calling, because apparently acting like a deranged stalker is cool if you’re a parent.”
Nothing from him.
“Honestly, it’s like I’m twelve instead of seventeen.” Amazing, my voice had hardly any whine to it at all. “Might as well tuck me into bed with a teddy bear and turn on the night-light.”
“She busted us in your bed.” He shrugged. “Kind of expected worse, actually. Surprised she’s letting you out at all.”
“The negotiations were intense. We argued all yesterday. Things may have been thrown, and not only by me.” I winced. “God, this sucks. Maybe I should just move out. Don’t suppose you could lend me a few grand?”
“You and your mom are close. You don’t want to move out.”
“I don’t know.”
“What about me coming over during the week to study?” he asked. “Is that okay?”
Red alert. I rubbed my damp palms on my jeans. “It’s complicated. Why don’t we just study during lunch at school?”
“Complicated? What’d she say?” Lines furrowed his brow. “Edie?”
Shit. “That if we’re not serious, there’s no need for you to be over during the week.”
Silence. So very much silence.
“Look, it’s okay. I mean, I’ll miss spending time with you. A lot.” My words were such a mess. No good answer existed. “John?”
“Okay,” he said.
“Okay?”
“We can do that, be serious.” His face smoothed, all worries gone. “Right?”
I paused. Not the answer I was expecting.
“That a problem?” he asked, sounding less sure of himself now. He shuffled a little closer. “I mean, guess I should have asked first. But if this is the only way we can keep hanging out . . .”
“I don’t think you understand the depth of my mother’s psychosis,” I said, trying to ignore the pounding of my heart. “For her to believe we’re official, you and your uncle would have to come over for dinner. I’m talking interrogation over pot roast, and she’d probably want to do it every couple of weeks or something. You’d probably be expected to turn up with flowers and candy. Possibly get my name tattooed on your forehead. I don’t know exactly. The woman is not sane.”
“Pretty sure Levi can fit it in. He likes you, asks me how you’re doing all the time.”
“That’s nice.” I swallowed hard. “It’s just, we agreed, Mom and I, not to lie to each other anymore. I’d like to try to stick to that.”
His chin dipped. “You think we’d be lying?”
“Wouldn’t we be?”
The bell rang, sending people scurrying in all directions.
“We’d better get to class.” I spun the dial on my locker at warp speed, picking up my bag and dumping the textbook I wouldn’t need until later.
“Edie.”
“Let’s talk about it at lunch. Mom will kill me if I get detention for again being late.” I about-faced and took off down the hall, John following at a more sedate pace. Thing was, official meant something not just to Mom, but to me also. It meant a lot. No matter how much I liked kissing and rolling around with him on my bed, maybe it would be for the best if we cooled things now before my dumbass heart got any more deluded.
Turned out he was busy come lunchtime, off shooting hoops with Anders. Guess there was my answer. John Cole would never be mine. Not in that way.