J

 

The persistent ringing pulls me from a dreamless sleep. I know it’s still dark, but when I squint to see the clock on the nightstand, I can’t quite make out the numbers. I roll over and grab the landline.

 

My throat feels like sandpaper when I speak, sounding scratchy and raw. “Hello?”

 

“Oh, thank God. J, it’s Nan.”

 

I immediately jump to a sitting position. I know what she has to tell me can’t be good. I can hear it in her voice. “Nan, what is it?”

 

“It’s your dad, baby. There’s been an accident.”

 

“An accident? Nan, is he okay? What happened? Where is he?” I know I am slinging questions at her faster than she can answer, but I need to know. He needs to be okay. He has to be.

 

“He’s at St. Margaret’s. I’m not really sure what happened. It was a motorcycle accident.”

 

“Are you with him?” I hope she says yes. I hate the thought of him being alone. I start throwing clothes all around my room, looking for my jeans. Hopping on one foot, I try putting them on while still taking to Nan. Any other time, it would probably be hilarious.

 

“I’m here. They are looking at him now.”

 

“I’m on my way. I’ll be there soon.”

 

“Be careful. I can’t handle anything else right now.”

 

“I will.”

 

Throwing the phone on the bed, I run to the bathroom to shove my hair into a messy bun, brushing my teeth and using the toilet at the same time. I take one last look in the mirror, saying a silent prayer that everything is going to be okay.

 

*

 

When I burst through the doors of the emergency room, I look back and forth for Nan. I must look frantic because a security guard comes over.

 

“Miss, do you need a doctor?”

 

“Yes. No. My father… He was brought in. I need to see him. Darren Zona.”

 

“Okay. Why don’t you take a seat and I will let the nurses know you are out here.”

 

The waiting room is packed. Finding an empty seat, I sit on the edge of it, leg bouncing, watching the guard disappear through a door. When I spot Nan walking down the hallway, I jump out of the seat and rush toward her.

 

“Nan, what’s going on?”

 

“Hi, baby.” She wraps her arms around me. I pull back after a moment and look at her face. The red nose, the running makeup. She’s been crying. “They are still in with him. The doctor will come out as soon as they are done.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“From what I know, he was out with Kevin. He was on Mikey’s bike. They parted ways and Darren headed home. Something happened on the way. No other cars were involved, but he went off the road, over an embankment, and into a tree. The nurse I talked to said he’s lucky to be alive.” Her tears start falling again.

 

I pull her against me. “He’s the strongest man I know. If anyone can make it through this, it’s him.”

 

“I know, but damn it. He scared the hell out of me. He can’t go out like this. He… I… He just can’t.”

 

I lead her over to the chairs and we both sit down. For a half-hour, we watch those fucking doors, but they won’t open. When the outside emergency doors open, I look over, seeing Cole and Todd coming toward us. I stand up.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

Todd steps over and pulls me into a hug as Cole hugs Nan. “Nan called me to let me know, then I texted Cole. There was no way I could go back to sleep, so here we are. Have you heard anything yet?” Todd steps over to hug Nan, and Cole steps in front of me, unsure if I’ll allow him to touch me. Just when he makes up his mind and takes a step forward, the doors open and the doctor walks out.

 

“Zona family?” he asks, looking around the waiting room.

 

“Here,” I say, raising my head. “I’m his daughter.”

 

“I’m Doctor Green. I’ve been with your dad since he was brought in. Please, let’s take a seat.”

 

We all sit down, facing the doctor.

 

“Your father was involved in a serious motorcycle accident. He was unconscious when he was brought in and remains that way. He has a broken leg, contusions, and scrapes, but what we are most concerned about is his head injury. There is significant swelling, which is the reason he’s unconscious right now. His body has been through a major trauma, but he’s a fighter. We are monitoring him closely to see if we need to go in and relieve some of the pressure on his brain. The next twenty-four hours are crucial.”

 

I stare at the doctor, trying to process everything. I know I should be asking questions, but for the life of me, nothing comes to mind. I just stare blankly at him. I don’t know what to do. Pop has never been sick. He’s had colds or the stomach bug here and there, he’s even had stitches and x-rays, but never anything that warranted the hospital. He’s talking surgery and pressure on the brain. Oh, my god. I feel like I can’t breathe. This is my father. I try to take a deep breath, which sounds more like a sob.

 

Cole takes my hand in his, his warmth instantly making me feel calmer. “Will he need surgery for his leg?” he asks.

 

Oh yeah. I should have thought of that.

 

“No. We were able to set it and it should heal perfectly. That’s a good thing since I don’t know how well he would tolerate surgery right now.”

 

Cole continues rubbing the inside of my wrist as he holds my hand. “When can she see him?”

 

Oh god. How could I not think to ask that question? I am truly fucking losing it. I’m not the person you want to have with you in a crisis situation.

 

“Soon. Right now, we are working on moving him up to ICU. There are strict rules about visiting up there.” He looks at me. “I can give you a few minutes down here. After that, it probably won’t be for a few hours. If you want to follow me, I’ll take you in.”

 

I nod and stand on shaky legs to follow Dr. Green through the big ominous doors. We walk down a very bright, white hallway, thin curtains on each side hiding patients in various stages of distress. The doctor brings me down another hall. The farther we go, the worse the patients look. We finally get to another nurses station where glass-enclosed rooms line the walls. When we stop in front of one, I see someone lying there attached to more tubes and wires than I can count. The machines beep and hum. I look at the doctor as he opens the door. This can’t be Pop. He looks so small in the bed, his face bruised and beaten. He’s almost unrecognizable. I gasp as I stand in the doorway, unable to go into the room. The man in this bed doesn’t resemble the strong-willed, opinionated man who can bring a grown man to his knees with just a look. I don’t know who this is, but it isn’t Pop.

 

“I know it’s hard to see him like this. It’s unexpected.” The doctor walks over to me and ushers me into the room. I stand at the foot of his bed, not knowing if I can get closer with all the tubes and wires around him. “You can move up to his side. Just be careful. Do you know that when patients are in a coma, they can hear what is going on around them? I truly believe patients who have families visit heal faster than those who don’t. I will give you a few minutes, then we are going to have to get him upstairs.”

 

“Thank you,” I whisper, slowly walking to the left side of his bed. I’m so afraid to touch him, thinking it might bring him more pain. I tentatively reach my hand out to touch his. “What happened to you, Pop? I don’t know if this has anything to do with the DiMarcos, but I have a feeling it does. I am so sorry. This is all my fault because I didn’t tell you what was going on. Cole told me to, but you know me. I thought knew better. Oh god. I did this.”

 

I feel the tears stream down my cheeks. Why? Why do I have to be so fucking stubborn? Why can’t I let anyone help? If I had listened to Cole, we wouldn’t be in this situation. Pop wouldn’t be fighting for his life right now.

 

A young girl wearing pink scrubs comes into the room. She barely looks old enough to drive, let alone be a nurse. Smiling at me, she checks his machines, writing on his chart. When she finishes, she lets me know they are getting ready to move him and I need to return to the waiting room. She gives me directions to the ICU, telling me I can wait there and the nurses will give me further instructions. I nod, not trusting myself to not break in front of this woman if I try to speak. Looking down at Pop, I feel the guilt rolling off me in waves. I bend down to kiss his swollen cheek and tell him I love him before I head back to the waiting room.

 

I stop right before I get back to the door to the waiting room. I’m a mess, nose running and huge tears rolling down my face. I can’t even stop. The door opens, an orderly walking through. The first person I see is Cole leaning against the wall. He straightens when he sees me and I walk to him. When I bury my face in his chest, I grab handfuls of his t-shirt and start sobbing. I feel him stiffen. I know I shouldn’t be in his arms, but I don’t know what else to do.

 

He wraps his arms around me. Here, right in this moment, is where I feel safest. He kisses the top of my head, pulling me closer. I hear footsteps approach slowly.

 

“Is it worse than we were told?” Nan asks, voice cracking.

 

I turn my face to her, not daring to move from Cole’s embrace. “No, it’s just like the doctor said, but I didn’t expect to see him like that. He’s so bruised and swollen. He looks so weak.” A small squeak comes from me, and Cole tightens his arms while rubbing my back. “They’re moving him now. The nurse gave me directions to the ICU. I need to go there to wait for any more information. It’s going to be a while before they tell me anything. If you guys want to go home, I understand.”

 

Cole speaks first. “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Nan follows suit. “I’m here for the long haul.”

 

I turn and look at Todd. “I’m staying. Do you need anything?”

 

I nod. “I know you want to be here, but somebody has to run the shop for a few days.”

 

“Of course, J. Whatever you need.”

 

I step away from Cole, feeling the loss of his strength immediately. I walk into Todd’s arms. “Thank you. You know Pop would want you watching after things.”

 

“Text me if anything changes. I’m going to try to get a few hours’ sleep before I need to head in. If you guys need anything, call me.”

 

“Thanks, Todd.”