CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

“Mom,” I said nervously, glancing over at her. “I still don’t think this is a good idea.”

Keeping her eyes on the road, she shook her head. “Baby, it was Eva who called. She was crying so hard I could barely understand her. She needs me.”

“I know,” I whispered. “But I don’t think I should be there.”

She shook her head again. Reaching out, she placed her hand on my thigh and squeezed lightly. “She needs us all.”

I closed my eyes and tried to fight back my rising nausea. How could I face them all after what had happened? And during the wake of tragedy? No one would want me around. No one in that club needed me for anything. I didn’t belong there; I wasn’t family and would serve as little comfort to any one of them. Instead, I would be in everyone’s way.

I had barely slept in the last two days, ever since the phone call from Eva. I was awash with a mixture of emotions—nervousness, anticipation, fear, and grief. I wanted to be there for the club, but at the same time I didn’t know what my reception would be. And the last thing I wanted to do was intrude on them, especially now in the midst of their grief.

“Not me,” I mumbled. “I don’t belong here…I never did.”

I jerked forward as my mother slammed on the brakes of our rental car and pulled it over on the side of the road. I stared at her, somewhat bewildered, as she whipped off her seatbelt, then promptly turned in her seat, facing me.

“I know what you think of me, Tegen,” she said matter-of-factly. “I know you think I’m a club whore.”

My eyes went wide. “No!” I protested but my mother quickly put her fingers against my mouth.

“Shh,” she whispered. “It’s well past time you knew the whole story. Maybe if you’d known all along…” She trailed off and shook her head.

“I didn’t love your father,” she continued. “I tried to, but he wasn’t just physically absent from us, he was emotionally gone as well. When I met Jase… Well, Jase started out as a distraction, something that made me feel like a woman that was actually wanted.

“We were both married, both unhappy with our marriages. I knew he wasn’t faithful to me but initially I didn’t care. I was happy with what he gave me but…eventually it wasn’t enough anymore and I demanded that if he refused to leave Chrissy, other than her, he be with only me. In return, he wanted me to leave your father. He wanted to take care of me and with every request, every demand for more, I fell more and more in love with him.

“Deep down, I knew he was never going to leave Chrissy, but that didn’t mean I never stopped wishing he would.”

I blew out a large breath of air. I already knew all of this; I’d figured it out on my own over the years, but hearing her say the words, trusting me with all of this, made me hate her a little less for some of the decisions she’d made. Decisions that hadn’t just affected her but me as well.

“Hawk was an accident,” she continued. “Jase had been on the road for nearly two months, I was drunk and sad, I barely remembered it. But he came to me again the next night and when I said no, he blackmailed me.”

My mouth fell open. He what? He fucking what?

“I will kill him,” I bit out. “I will fucking—”

“Tegen!” she snapped. “Watch your damn mouth! Let me finish talking!”

Breathing hard, I pressed my lips together. Maybe hearing this wasn’t going to be the best thing for me. Planning a homicidal rampage through the club was probably not the best idea.

“I won’t get into specifics,” she said. “But yes, he blackmailed me. He said if I didn’t agree to being with him again, he was going to tell Jase what happened.”

I closed my eyes to try to calm my quickly rising rage. How could she let these men walk all over her like this? For fucking years? Why? She was a smart woman, she was beautiful, she could have taken me and just left, we could have made a life somewhere else!

“Of course I was terrified of Jase finding out what had happened so I agreed…” She trailed off, her eyes going glassy, remembering, watching something only she could see.

“It was hard,” she whispered tearfully. “The first few times. Being with a man who wasn’t Jase, but…”

“But fucking what?” I gritted out.

“I fell in love with him,” she finished listlessly.

I gaped at her. “You fell in love with a man who blackmailed you into fucking him?”

Her eyes narrowed. “Do you always have to be so crude? You sound like the men around here!”

“I grew up here,” I shot back.

“Tegen, I don’t know how to explain this to you in a way you’re going to understand, but yes, I fell in love with him. He was different from Jase. He didn’t want to be with anyone but me. And the way he spoke to me, the way he was with me… He was willing to give up everything for me. The club, the boys, even Deuce. Nobody had ever loved me like that. Nobody had ever put me first. Especially not Jase.”

“Then why didn’t he?” I demanded. “If he loved you so much, and you loved him, why didn’t he just come clean, get tossed on his ass, and take us away from here?”

I watched as more tears formed in her eyes and spilled over.

“I never told him I loved him,” she choked out. “I was afraid of myself at that point, my betrayal to both of them, not knowing who to choose, not wanting to hurt either of them but at the same time, selfishly not wanting to give either of them up. It was all my fault, Tegen, getting shot and Chrissy going to jail, leaving those three girls without their mother. Jase is a wreck now, and Hawk…when he’s not with us, he lives alone. All the time, alone. And it’s all my fault.”

She broke down then, sobbing silently, tears flowing freely down her cheeks.

I grabbed her shaking hands and held them both inside my larger ones.

“Mommy,” I whispered, my own tears falling, my heart breaking for her. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

She hadn’t. I knew that now. She’d been stuck in a loveless marriage, in an impossible situation, and had tried to follow her heart. Had she made some bad decisions? Yes. But my God, she had been so young, younger than I was now when this had all begun.

“Shit just…happens.”

My mother’s eyes met mine and surprisingly a small smile formed on her lips.

“Which brings me back to my original point,” she said gently. “Your shit, Tegen. ZZ and Cage. You’ve been doing well, considering, and I haven’t wanted to rock the boat, but you of all people can’t keep your feelings bottled up forever. Let’s start by why you never told me about ZZ.”

My eyes dropped to the console between us. “Because you didn’t remember him,” I muttered. “So, what was the point?”

“Tegen.” She drew out my name in a warning tone and I glanced up sheepishly. “Because I didn’t want you to know,” I admitted.

“That’s a problem,” she said softly. “Usually nine times out of ten when you don’t want your mother to know something, it’s something you shouldn’t be doing.”

My cheeks reddened. “I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.”

“Oh God,” she said. “Tegen, no, I’m so proud of you, baby. For doing so well in school, for going to college, but most of all I’m so proud of you for getting out of here. The last thing I wanted for you was to end up like me.”

“There is nothing wrong with you,” I said, grabbing her hand and squeezing.

She squeezed back. “I’m alone, baby. The men I love are alone. I don’t want that for you; I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. Which brings us to the second man in your life.”

“Fuck me,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut. Cage. Damn him. I loved him so much. Too much. But for as much time as I’d put into daydreaming about Cage and me over the years, it had only taken a few short days and a tragedy for the reality of the situation to rear its ugly head. And the reality of Cage and me was so very different from the fantasy.

Not that it mattered anymore.

My mother smiled knowingly. “You love him, baby,” she said. “And that matters.”

“But it doesn’t,” I protested. “Deuce told me to stay away and…Cage never once tried to contact me.”

“That doesn’t prove anything. Have you tried to contact him?”

“You know I haven’t.”

“And yet you still love him.”

I shook my head. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.”

“Simply put,” she said softly. “You don’t want to spend the rest of your life not knowing.”

I closed my eyes, willing my quickly rising heart rate to slow.

“And, Tegen?”

I opened my eyes.

“You belong where you are loved.”

Releasing my hand, she turned away and buckled her seat belt. We drove the remaining hour to Miles City in silence and when we pulled up to the clubhouse gates, after Bucket had buzzed us in, after our short walk to the front door, and after I hesitantly stepped inside…

Eva spotted us first and came running. Kami and Danny weren’t far behind her. The three of them engulfed my mother and Christopher in a hug. Feeling awkward and uncomfortable, I stepped aside and allowed my mother her happy reunion. Doing a quick scan of the room, I felt both relieved and disappointed that Cage was nowhere to be found. What I did notice was Blue’s seat at the bar. Empty. Something stirred to life from deep down within me.

It was a sort of grief but at the same time it reared to life an odd sense of protectiveness for the others grieving him. I hardly remembered my life without Blue somewhere in the background, usually drinking or sleeping, and everyone else in this room undoubtedly felt the same. And now he was gone.

I felt that.

And if I felt that…

I looked around the room, at the men, their wives, and children.

I didn’t want anything to happen to any of these men. I’d grown up with them inside this club, spent more time with them than anyone else in this world. The thought of something happening to any one of them…to Mick and Tap and Dimebag…to Ripper and Hawk…even to Jase. The thought of something fateful and permanent occurring to any one of them…

Yeah, I hated that they cheated on their wives, that they were at the club more than they were home, that they cared more about riding then they did about making it to their kids’ soccer games. But hate them?

No. Not even close.

I guess you didn’t have to like what goes on inside the club to love the club.

And I guess I had Blue to thank for that revelation.

“What’s up, kid?”

I glanced up and found Mick smiling down at me. “Hey,” I said quietly, and tried to smile.

“Fuckin’ sucks that it took losin’ Blue to get you girls back home,” he continued. “But I’m glad you’re back just the same.”

Speechless, I swallowed hard.

“Speakin’ of bein’ back,” he said. “Prez wanted to know the minute you and D got in. I’m sure you already know he’s laid up and damn grumpy about it, so I’m under orders to take you straight to the hospital.”

My stomach dropped. “Why?” I whispered. Was he going to yell at me again? Kick me out of Miles City?

“Thinkin’ he wants to talk, Tegen. Apologize, too.”

My mouth fell open. “Apologize?” I repeated.

Mick grinned. “Fucker knows he did wrong. Heart attack nearly killed him; scared him somethin’ fierce too. He wants to make this shit between you and him right.”

“Shouldn’t he be resting?” I said, hedging, having absolutely no desire to be face-to-face with Deuce even if he was going to apologize.

Mick snorted. “That bastard is as ornery as ever.”

My nose wrinkled. Great. An ornery apologizer.

“Tegen?”

I glanced over and found Danny with her arms outstretched, smiling at me.

“Hey, moody hooker,” she said as she moved in for a hug.

My lips twitched. “Hey, yourself…prissy bitch.”

It wasn’t long before I found myself in the center of my own group hug from the women. And from the men, hair ruffles and sloppy cheek kisses were given, some crude comments were made about my new and improved backside. Anger gave me a dirty look and Bucket tried to feel me up.

Yeah. I was home.

“Okay,” I said to Mick once the greetings had begun to lull. “I’m ready to go see Deuce.”