Chapter 6

 

 

“Marta, please don’t do this. I need you here. Nicholas loves you. I don’t trust him with anyone else,” I begged as Marta packed up the last of her things.

“Look in the mirror, Morgan. I’m not going to stand around here and watch this anymore. You need to get away from him before he really hurts you. I’ll help you. Please, Morgan. Get out of this house,” she begged right back.

“I’m not going to leave him, Marta. I can’t. Not right now.”

Marta turned her attention back to her packing with a sad look. “I’m going to read about your death in the paper,” she sadly spoke, walking past me and right out of my life.

I knew Drew was watching from his office. He never came out to stop her. He just let her go. Now what was I supposed to do? It wasn’t like I couldn’t take care of Nicholas myself. I could, but it was still nice having someone there to do the cooking and take him when I needed a moment of me time.

“Why is Celeste working downtown this week?” Alicia asked as soon as I answered my phone.

“I don’t know. Ask her.”

“I did. She said Drew told her not to come to the house. Why can’t she come to the house? Something’s going on. I can tell. Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine.”

“Leave Nicholas with Marta for a little bit. Let’s go get some lunch or something.”

“I can’t today.”

“Why? What are you doing?”

“Marta is taking a couple days off, and Nicholas is teething. He’s so fussy right now. I want to stay home. We’ll do something later on in the week.”

“Give him a freezer pop. You know the ones in the plastic wrappers? Let him chew on that. That’s what we did for Vincent.”

“Okay, I’ll try that. I’ll call you later. He’s crying,” I lied.

“Okay, but hurry up. I’m bored.”

I didn’t really lie. As soon as I hung up, I heard the baby monitor come alive. I walked upstairs and to his room. After changing him we sat in the rocker as I gave him a bottle and rocked him back and forth, contemplating my life. Drew had been distant since his episode the day before. He didn’t even sleep in our room, just like old times, he left me alone.

Nicholas sat up after his bottle, and played with the black sea glass necklace around my neck. Pulling his clasped little fingers away from the delicate chain, I sat him on the floor and turned to get him some toys. I sucked in an audible breath when I turned back to him on all fours.

“What are you doing, big guy?” I smiled. “Drew, come in here,” I called, knowing he was watching us. He always watched us.

Sitting on the floor, I placed the red truck away from him, encouraging him to crawl to it. I looked up through the slit in my eye to see Drew. He squatted behind me as I leaned into him, wanting things to be okay.

“Come here, baby,” I coaxed.

“He’s doing it,” Drew exclaimed, excited when Nicky moved towards us with a giggly squeal. It took him a little bit to figure it out, but he did it. He crawled the three feet to us, reaching his prize that instantly went to his mouth.

I turned to smile at Drew looking at me and not Nicholas at all. He looked sad, hurt, and sorry. Those moments are what kept me grounded right there with him. I twisted my body and wrapped my arms around his neck as his went around my waist.

“I’m so sorry, Morgan. I don’t know why I do that. It’s not you. It’s not your fault at all. I’m sorry, baby.”

“Shhh,” I whispered to his lips. “I’m okay, we’re okay.”

“We’re not. What if Marta is right? What if I really hurt you?”

“You won’t, Drew,” I guaranteed.

“You don’t know that. I don’t know that. I can’t even explain what came over me last night, Morgan. I couldn’t have stopped it if my life depended on it.”

“Let’s just forget it, okay? Please.”

Drew took a deep, defeated breath. He knew we couldn’t just forget it as much as I knew. And yes, I was afraid that the next time might be my last. Any mother on earth would have done the opposite of what I did. A normal mother would have taken her baby and left him. Why couldn’t I do that? Why did I feel like he was a vital part of my life?

Nicholas interrupted, trying to pull himself up to us. Drew picked him up, sandwiching him between us.

“Oh my. You stink,” I said, smelling the stinky diaper.

“Come on, Daddy will change you,” Drew offered.

“I’m going to take a bath. You got him for a little bit?” I asked.

“Yup, we’re going to get rid of this mess and then play with all these trucks. Right, buddy?”

I smiled and left them to their trucks.

I had to cook for us because we no longer had Marta. I didn’t mind at all. I liked being a housewife. Drew, on the other hand, didn’t like it. I think it was more of a status quo thing than anything. His wife didn’t belong in the kitchen. We had help for that. Stirring the noodles in the boiling water, I thought about what Drew had said about eating spaghetti from a can day after day. I contemplated his life as a little boy, living with a mother with a mental illness. I was afraid that our session with Deidra was just the tip of the iceberg.  

“Did you hear me?” Drew asked, feeding Nicholas peas from his highchair.

“What?” I asked, being pulled from my daze.

“You need to reschedule the auctioneer appointment.”

“Why?” I asked the stupid question and then remembered. “Never mind. I will,” I added, knowing I wouldn’t leave the house until my bruises had vanished.

“Celeste wants to buy the house.”

“I know. Alicia told me. She doesn’t want it.”

“Why?”

I shrugged. “She likes the closeness of their house. It’s three bedrooms, plenty big enough for a family of four. She doesn’t think they need Randal’s mansion.”

“It’s not a matter of needing. Celeste just wants to provide for them.”

“She’s doing that.”

“You don’t think they should buy the estate?”

“I don’t know. It’s not up to me. I guess they’ll work it out, but we have to let the auctioneer know if the house will be auctioned too, or just the contents.”

“I’ll talk to her later. Just reschedule and tell him you need time to decide whether or not you’re going to sell the house.”

Drew and I ate supper with Nicholas bouncing on his knee. He wouldn’t sit still long enough for us to eat in peace. We surprisingly talked like a normal couple, well, as much as possible anyway. I could see Drew staring at my battered face. Trying to ignore it, I talked like nothing was wrong, like we were the perfect couple.

That’s what I wanted to do, pretend. Drew pulled me close to him when we turned in for the night, kissing me on the head. “You okay?” he whispered to my hair.

“Yes, Drew. I’m fine, but I don’t know if I will be fine next Thursday. My eye is still swollen shut. I’m afraid the bruise won’t be gone by then.”

Drew sat up and looked at me like I was crazy. “Do you really think we’re going back there?”

“Um, yes. Absolutely.”

“Have you lost your mind? Why would you want to chance it?”

“Chance what? You hitting me again? We’re going to counseling because you hit me, remember?”

“But this time was way worse than that little love tap. I can’t chance that happening again.”

“And I can’t chance it happening again without Deidra.”

“Morgan, let’s stop this. I don’t need nor do I want to talk about my past.”

“Okay, so we’ll just keep going like we are. I’ll wait until you have a bad day at work and decide that you need to come home and beat the hell out of me for your made up, ridiculous reasons.”

“What does that mean?”

“Alicia. Remember? That’s why you were so mad. You’re afraid I am going to cheat on you with Alicia. Isn’t that what that was all about?”

“You know it wasn’t about that.”

“Yes, I do. It was about old wounds being brought to the surface. You were hurt and angry about your life. I was the one here to help you deal with that. I’ll always be here to help you deal with it as long as you are dealing with it. I’m not going to be your punching bag for no reason. If I have to endure your temper, you have to keep seeing Deidra.”

“I don’t want you to be my punching bag. Stop saying that. You know that’s not what I want.”

“Then keep seeing Deidra.”

“Let’s go to someone else. I don’t like her.”

“No, Drew. She’s the only one who has been able to get you to say anything. I do like her, and we’re not finding another therapist. I’ll cancel next week, but the next week, we’re going back.”

Avoiding Deidra was easy. She didn’t care whether we made our appointment or not, we were paying her, regardless. Alicia was the one that was hard to evade. She knew something was up, and I couldn’t tell her. Nicholas was teething, I was sick, I had to meet with realtors and auctioneers. I gave her every excuse under the sun, willing my bruised eye to heal. It was almost there, and you could barely see it with makeup by the middle of the next week. I should have given it one more day, but didn’t want to prolong our meeting with Deidra any more than I had to, afraid of Drew not going.

***

 “I don’t want to leave him with Alicia,” Drew complained, chasing Nicholas away from the stairs. I couldn’t wait for him to start crawling, now I just wanted him to be still. He was fascinated with climbing the stairs. His toys were no longer enticing. He wanted everything else that he wasn’t allowed to have.

“Drew, Alicia has kept him a lot. I trust her with him more than anyone else. Who else is going to watch him?”

“We should just cancel until we find a new nanny.”

“I don’t want a nanny. I already told you that.”

“We’re hiring someone to help out around here.”

“Okay, whatever. He’s headed for the stairs again,” I said, giving in and going to the door to let Alicia in. I quickly turned away from her when she looked right at my eye. She knew.

“Oh, my god. He is crawling!” she exclaimed, seeing Nicholas trying to get away from his dad and to the steps.

“I told you,” I smiled, watching him squirm through Drew’s legs. “Drew come on, we’ve got to go.”

“He’s all over the place. You really have to watch him now. He’s determined to climb up the stairs and—”

“Drew, I’m pretty sure I know how to take care of baby. Go, get out of here,” Alicia persuaded, taking Nicholas from him.

“I don’t know about this, Morgan,” Drew nervously confessed on the ride.

“We’ve talked about this, Drew. You’re going to leave without me, go to your office downtown, and I’ll take a cab home. We’ve got this. It’s going to be fine.”

“I just don’t understand why you think bringing up this stuff is going to help anything.”

I reached for Drew’s hand and kissed the back of it. “I think it is going to help because you have a whole world weighing on your shoulders. I think you have kept things so tightly bottled up inside you for so long, you don’t know how to let them out. Deidra is going to help you learn to let go. And I think once you do, we’ll be able to move forward.”

“That all sounds good in the air, but I’m not sold on the idea of you hearing this.”

“I want to know all of you, Drew. I told you things about my childhood that you never knew, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but I can’t say that I’m better off knowing it. It pisses me off that you were raised like that. You know I had a hard time being around your mother after hearing all that?”

“Yes, I picked up on it, but I’m glad you know all of me. Let me know you, Drew.”

“I’m not sure you want to, Morgan. I did things, unthinkable things. I had a choice. You didn’t.”

“What does that mean, Drew? What things?”

Drew shook his head, trying to rid the thoughts. “Let’s just see where Deidra takes us today. I’m not sure I’m ready for you to know that side of me.”

I wanted to say something about the Drew that I’d been exposed to, remind him of last week when he beat the hell out of me, let him in on the little secret of the things that he did to me before my accident, and tell him I never wanted to know that Drew, but nobody gave me a choice either. I didn’t say anything. I kept quiet and stared out the window, anticipating what I would learn.