“Is she okay?” I asked Gabriel as he walked into the kitchen after tucking Mackenzie into bed.

“No, she’s not okay, Athena.” His eyes were dark, still angry, and filled with worry.

There were a million things I wanted to say, but in the end, they didn’t really matter. “I packed my bags. I wasn’t sure if I should stay until morning to say goodbye to Mackenzie? I don’t want to leave without saying goodbye unless you think that’s better for her.”

“Where will you go?” he asked, his eyes guarded.

“I’ve booked a room at the same hotel Fran is staying at. She’s offered to come pick me up…” I waited, the silence extending between them.

“Stay. I think Mackenzie will benefit more from proper closure with you then if you simply walk away.”

He might as well have cut my heart out with a machete. “That’s not fair. I would never just walk out on her—this is far from simple,” I said quietly, barely controlling my anger.

He looked at me, disdain written on his face. “Let’s talk tomorrow after breakfast—I need time to think this through. You should plan on being here tomorrow night for dinner, but I’ll take her to school tomorrow. Are you okay with making her breakfast?” he asked as a shadow passed through his eyes.

“Yes, of course,” I said, walking toward the stairs before I disintegrated into a million little pieces.

“I don’t want any breakfast.” Her little pout was awfully cute.

“Zee, please—”

“Don’t call me that,” she declared, glaring at me.

I nodded. “All right, Mackenzie,” I corrected softly, taking a deep breath. “I’ve made your favorite pancakes, and since you didn’t eat dinner last night, I made you an extra pancake today. I thought you might be especially hungry.” I stopped herself short from pleading with the little girl.

Gabriel watched our interaction closely without interfering.

“O-okay,” Mackenzie offered tearfully.

I turned back toward the stove before Mackenzie could see the tears forming in my eyes, and blinked them away furiously, forcing a smile before turning back. “Here you go, two buttermilk pancakes, one with a sad face,” I explained, keeping my expression soft, despite the sadness threatening to take me down. “The second with a smile, because I hope Mackenzie can find her smile before the day ends.” I placed the plate in front of her, waiting, my eyes never leaving hers.

I wanted to savor this moment and make it last forever.

I was rewarded with a little smile from my subject before she began to devour her breakfast. I risked a glance at Gabriel who gave a nod of approval.

I knew enough about human behavior, even child psychology, to know that it’s never right to pretend something isn’t happening, even if it’s hard—and a child benefits from gentle illustrations honoring how they feel now—along with encouragement that it will get better.

I hated to admit how much his nod of approval meant to me, and I dreaded the moment when he’d return to the house from dropping Mackenzie off at school.

“Bye, Thea,” Mackenzie’s little voice sounded so sad as she jumped down from the bar stool and turned to grab her backpack for school.

I have to get a grip, I thought, as I walked her to the door, fighting the tears.

“Will you be here when I get home today?”

“I will be here, and we’ll have dinner together later, okay?” I assured with a smile.

Mackenzie brightened. “Okay!” she said as she gave me a hug.

My eyes closed and pain washed through my body. I couldn’t breathe.

“Have a good day, sweet girl,” I uttered automatically, and then bit my lip at the term of endearment that had become so automatic, but probably not wise in light of what was to come. I mouthed, Sorry, to Gabriel as he placed his hand on his daughter’s back, gently guiding her out the door, seemingly immune to my pain.

“Thank you for this morning. I appreciate how you handled breakfast and acknowledging Mackenzie’s feelings in a safe way for her,” Gabriel offered, opening the door to his office to let me walk through before him.

“Of course,” I bowed my head, my voice husky, wanting to run in the opposite direction, or be anywhere but his office at this moment.

“Will you be okay?” he asked after he had pulled the chair out for me. I’d expected him to sit at his desk across from me—but he didn’t—he pulled the other chair directly across from me and sat down, far too close. There was no way I would be able to control my emotions with him this close. I felt panic setting in and pushed the chair back, his left eyebrow rose, but he didn’t object.

“This is really hard for me, and I realize that I don’t matter and that all that really does matter—all that should matter—is Mackenzie in all of this,” I started, my voice filled with unshed tears, my eyes closed.

I continued softly, looking down, anywhere but at him. “But I want you to know that I love her…” I paused for a couple of seconds as I desperately tried to keep the tears from falling, my voice from shaking, “and I will do whatever is necessary to ease the pain for her. Just tell me what you think is best.” My eyes felt irritated and shining with tears when I finally looked at him.

He leaned forward and grasped my hands, but I pulled them away as though his were hot coals. He reached back and took my hands gently but firmly and there was no way to stop the floodgates at that point. As my tears fell, I could feel his eyes seeking mine. But I didn’t dare to let him glimpse at the depth of pain I felt—or the love I was desperately trying to deny.

I suppressed a sob. I knew if I gave it space, it would overwhelm me, break me. The pain was so great in my chest that I thought my heart might stop.

When I sniffled to keep snot from dripping down my face, he reached for a tissue from his desk, and I used that moment to try to get a grip because there’d be no stopping if I didn’t get it under control now.

He handed me the tissue, and I took it from him gratefully, our fingers brushing for a brief moment. I hoped he didn’t notice my quick intake of breath at the contact. I managed a ‘thank you’.

He waited while I blew my nose, and I squeezed my eyes tight, looking for the strength to just get through these next few moments so I could go to my room and meditate. Or do something to quell a sadness so deep that I was quite certain my life would ever be the same again.

Minimally, I had to try to get it under control before seeing Mackenzie tonight. I took a deep breath. If I could do this—ignore the tsunami of sadness—it would be for her.

I didn’t dare to look at him, but I thought he might wait all day until I did, so I risked a quick glance.

“I’m sorry. You probably think I’m an emotional wreck—which is totally out of character for me—it’s just, well, to be honest, I’m completely out of my league here. I could not have anticipated what it would feel like to love—and then lose a child.” A sob tore at my throat, but I bit my lip hard to contain it. “I understand this is best for Mackenzie,” I whispered.

I exhaled, brushing away the lone tear that coursed its way down my cheek with a shaky hand, my head bowed, eyes closed.

“Thea?” he asked.

He used my nickname. My heart leaped in my chest despite the sadness. Get a grip. I coached myself, taking a shaky breath.

“Yes?” My voice barely audible.

“Please look at me.”

Fear splintered my heart. My god, did he have any idea what he was asking? But then I squared my shoulders and looked at him with eyes shimmering—what was the point in trying to hide what he already knew was there?

He reached for my hands, but I kept them clasped tightly in my lap. If he touched me, there would be no stopping the force of the torrent that I was barely holding back.

He sighed. “Thank you.”

My eyebrows rose, and I willed myself to stay strong, lifting my eyes to his.

“This is difficult for all of us, but you’re right, we’re adults, and the most important person right now is Mackenzie. I know you love her, and she loves you, too,” he paused, “and that complicates things.”

He sighed. “I don’t want to minimize how beautiful it has been to watch the love grow so quickly between the two of you,” his voice caught, “and yet, I can’t bear to allow something in her life when I don’t know what the long-term ramifications could be. I’m not referring to you,” he clarified, “but rather your side work.”

I wondered, would he ask me to give it up? If he did, would I? But then my heart sank.

“This whole situation has made me re-think having a live-in nanny. It’s possible Mackenzie wouldn’t even take to another person like she has you, or maybe I just need to find someone really old.” He smiled gently at me, and the corner of my lips turned up in response.

“Even though this is hard and unfortunately Mackenzie will be hurt regardless of what we do, I also want you to know that you’ve made an impact on both our lives, Thea. We won’t forget you.”

So this was goodbye.

I looked down at my hands, then looked back at him. “Okay, then, how do we handle this tonight for Mackenzie?"