We’re driving home, but to what home, I don’t know. After three hours of arguing with my parents, Lockhart finally convinced them to release me to his care. Nobody asked me what I wanted. I just wanted out of that hospital.
Liz asked me to go home with her, but that’s just too awkward. Dane and Kai want me with them, but Lockhart won’t allow that and, if what they’re all saying is true, when I finally remember what happened that night I won’t want to stay there.
So here I am, in Lockhart’s car, four days after the attack, out of hospital and feeling sore but still holding nothing but the memories of the first couple of days that I got home.
I called Doctor Foreman this morning who told me that there’s little I can do but wait and call him when I remember.
I called Joy too, who is still traumatised but had to go home to her family. I’ll make it up to her.
Georgia has visited me twice, bringing fattening treats and new pyjamas. They’re awesome; they’re flannel with black guitars on a white background. They’re so soft and lovely. I can’t wait to get where it is we’re going to so I can put them on again.
“This entire situation is so fucked up,” I sigh, pulling my cap down over my eyes and reclining the seat a little more. “How did I get here?”
Lockhart places his hand on my knee but, as I’ve done the past few days, I lift it off and place it back in his own space.
He hasn’t been talking to me beyond normal conversation. He won’t talk about Rebecca or Thatcher, or any of it. He just blanks me whenever I bring anything up and it’s so annoying but it’s also a huge relief because I’m not ready to hear it yet, or let go of any of it and move on and be alone. That’s why I can’t believe I agreed to going home with him, even if it is only for a few days. Rep is finding me a two-bedroom apartment in the city that I can afford long term, preferably one I can buy. Thank goodness for Rep.
“We’re almost there,” he says softly, though we aren’t in the city centre like I imagined. We’re in a more upper-class suburban area.
“Almost where exactly?”
“Our home.” He nods to the spacious street ahead and we turn onto a road that goes slightly uphill.
Our home?
We pull into a curved driveway, wide enough to fit two cars. It leads to an equally wide garage, which looks to be attached to a modern looking house beyond the tall privacy hedges.
Stopping in the driveway, he twists his hands on the steering wheel and seems to deliberate for a moment before saying, “Before we step inside, before we… try to move on from the past, you need to know a few things…”
“Okay.” I turn to face him in the car and wait patiently for him to speak. When he doesn’t, I give him a gentle nudge. “I’m listening, all open-minded and stuff.”
“I bought this house just over five years ago, with the intention of marrying a seemingly sweet and nice Rebecca Swanson.” The bitterness in his tone is definitely audible, almost as audible as the bitterness in my heart at his confession. “I wasn’t in love with her; it was a convenient set up. She was completely different to the person you see today. She was respected, intelligent, well put-together and sexy.”
My mind is slowly narrowing from open to closed.
“We didn’t date for longer than a few weeks before I asked her to marry me.” He laughs and it’s surprisingly genuine. His handsome smile and the way he leans back reopens my mind and calms me down.
“So you lied to me?” I say calmly, trying to keep the upset and judgement from my tone.
“Of course I did,” he states simply. “It’s what I do. I lie, I manipulate, I blackmail, I yell… I get what I want by any means necessary.” Clearing his throat and closing his eyes, he continues from before. “She said yes, of course. I set about finding us a suitable place to live with the thought that we’d have a child within the year.”
“What happened?”
When he opens his eyes, they pin me down with a cold ruthlessness that almost makes me shrink away. “She changed. She showed her true self and I couldn’t stand her. We broke up amicably. She moved on, I moved on, and she never knew about the house. I never came back here for more than the occasional check to ensure the house keeper isn’t tearing it apart or stealing the art from the walls.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I want you to know that I did something bad, something that might change your opinion of me for…” He rubs his knees and looks away. For the first time I see fear in his eyes, fear and vulnerability. “Well, forever.”
“Worse than what you’ve done already?”
“It depends on how you look at it.”
I take his hand in mine. “You can tell me. I promise that whatever it is, I won’t let it jeopardise your future with our daughter.”
He looks at me straight in the eyes and admits, “I put Rebecca in prison.”
Okay, I was not expecting that.
“What? How?”
“I used our past relationship and her desire for me to hack into her numerous accounts from her numerous devices over the past couple of months. Luckily for me she was already stealing small amounts here and there from her clients. It made it so much easier to bolden the amounts and make it a case of serious fraud.” He runs both hands through his hair.
My face remains blank but my mind is a war of emotions.
“That’s the reason I stayed with her.”
“Why?” I ask breathily.
“Because I know it was her that led you to that hotel room. I know that she knew what was going to happen to you. I know that she joked about it afterwards with Thatcher, and I know that ever since I saw what I saw on that video, I have been able to see nothing but red.”
Oh my God.
What do I even do with this information?
He tries to take my hand, but I pull away. I don’t mean to; I just need space to process this.
“Also, Thatcher died in prison this morning,” He just blurts. “Well, he died in hospital, but he was brutally attacked in prison in a way that can never be linked to me. You’re the only person I’ll say this to. I’ll tell you because I want your forgiveness; I want your trust; I want you to believe in me and our future together, here or in whatever house you choose.”
My mouth opens and closes but no sound comes out.
“I’m also the reason Thatcher is dead and I don’t regret it. He’s too dangerous to keep alive. Like my father, he’s old school and he’s the kind of man that will exact his revenge on you and our child. He would not have stopped until you were both taken from me, or I from you. I did what I had to do.”
“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?” I mumble, looking at the house again and wishing I could go back an hour and forget this conversation. “You killed Thatcher… you sabotaged Rebecca…”
“I love you more than reason exists.” He tries to touch my hand again but I pull back. “You’re not interested in me because of my money, my power, my connections, or what I can give you. We’ve been together for a few months and you’ve asked me for nothing. You’ve kept in touch with my family; you’ve bowed to my every whim without taking my shit. You’ve changed my entire life.” I allow it when he places a hand on my stomach. “You’re giving me a child, a child that I have yet to meet whom I love more than life itself, maybe even more than I love you, which is saying something because I’ve never loved a person more than I love you. I’d die for you. I’d lie for you. I’d kill for you.”
Tears don’t fall, though they try. His words are toxic in my veins, a poison slowly spreading, ready to meet my heart and morph it into his. They’re slaying me, killing me from the inside out, the outside in, whatever. I can’t cope. The unimaginable reality of what he is confessing equal parts destroys me and fixes me.
We all dream of that one love in life who would do anything for you, give you anything, be anything you need. He’s done that. He can now say he killed for me, not once but twice. He was everything I needed, or he tried to be, while I was depressed and just awful to him.
He could have picked me up from rehab and lived happily with me ever since. Instead he let me hate him, while pregnant with his child, so he could punish the woman who got away. It would have been so easy to just let it go and try and force me to do the same, but he didn’t.
Does he love me so much that the grief of what happened to me affected him as much as me? In the beginning I felt that way too, like I wanted to kill them all, but I got help and I couldn’t act on it. Had I seen Thatcher or Rebecca and had the power to do it, I might have done it.
Lockhart did do something because I was too busy thinking of myself, breaking down, and not calling anybody from rehab to actually pay attention to how any of this was affecting him or the rest of my family.
“You did exactly what I’d want to do, but don’t have the money or power to do were our situations reversed,” I admit, running my fingers through his satin soft hair.
He hesitates, his body tense as though waiting for me to bolt. “Does this mean you’ll forgive me?”
“I’m not sure it’s my forgiveness you need. I forgive you for… I don’t know yet. I’m really pissed off that you touched Rebecca at all, no matter the cause. And the rest of what you’ve done doesn’t affect me, not really.” I bring the backs of my fingers down his cheek in a soft caress, his stubble grazing my knuckles. I love that feeling. “I don’t like what you’ve done. I’m not going to thank you because it’s wrong. As much as I hate these people and everything they did, I hate even more that you had to take matters into your own hands. I hate that you’ve been tarnished with this burden and responsibility of protecting me. I don’t want to be your damsel in distress. I want to be your partner.”
“You want? Or you wanted?”
“One day at a time, Tobias. This is a lot to take in.”
He nods, bringing my hand to his lips. “No more lies, secrets, deception or games. I want a relationship with you. I want steady and smooth.” Then he adds with a smile, “I want you. All of you. As you are.”
“As I am? Or as I was?” I question. “Because I’m not who I was, not anymore. I’ve changed. You know that, right?”
“I know. Another reason I’m not sorry for putting that sick fuck in his permanent bed,” He grits out.
“Hey,” I coo softly, shaking my head at him. “Stop it. Let it go. Your anger over what happened doesn’t help me heal. You punished him. If what you’re saying is true and he’s dead, then there’s nobody left to be angry at. It’s a waste of your time and energy.” As I speak these words, the reality of what he has done hits me. I breathe, “I can’t believe you did that.”
“We mustn’t ever speak of it again. Ever. It can’t be heard. It’s my darkest confession to you, and my last.”
“Good. You’re responsible for too many deaths this week. That shit changes you. I don’t want you to change. I want you as you are.”
“So you do want me?” He smirks, his eyes narrowing with a look of triumph. “I haven’t missed my chance?”
“That all depends on our conversations to come.” I gently feel my stomach. “That all depends on how well we are at co-parenting.”
He blinks, stupefied by my words. “You’re honestly saying that you’re not going to consider returning to me as my partner until after our child is born?”
“I’m honestly saying that right now I have a thousand things swimming through my foggy fucked up brain and I don’t appreciate your tone,” I snap, my own tone shorter than I planned. “Now, are you going to give me a tour of your home or shall we live in the car?”
His usual cool demeanour returns because he hasn’t gotten his way.
This man has zero patience.
“Last thing,” he states as we climb from the car into the cool February air. Rounding the car, he stops by the door I just kicked open and holds me under my arm as I stand. My body is still extremely sore, especially in the area where I was shot. It all happened on the same side so it’s hard for me to walk.
I’m supposed to do a little though, not too much but just enough to keep me supple and not stiff. It’s when I’m stiff that it hurts the most.
“I…” He loses his words, a first for him. “I’m sorry.”
“What?” My eyes scrunch up and I laugh a little at how timid he sounds. “Sorry for what?”
“For everything that’s happened to you since you met me.”
Oh… fuck. “Don’t… don’t do this whole sweet thing, okay? As soon as we walk through that door, you’re going to be Tobias Lockhart without the shit and I’m going to be me without the shit, okay? No apologies, none of this mushy shit. We don’t do mushy. You’ve told me you love me. You know I love you… let’s just figure this out just one day at a time, okay?”
“One day at a time,” He agrees.
“Oh, before I forget. I’m going to America next week.”
He pauses, breathes and then says after kissing me on the bridge of my nose, “We’ll discuss it.”
Actually, we won’t because I’m going. I have to go. My mind is made up and Rep is right.
“Now, the grand tour please,” I insist and, with his help I take a few steps, wincing and wobbling with each foot to the ground.
“I’m going to lift you. I can’t stand to see you in this much pain.” He slowly bends and then gently begins to cradle me in his arms, careful of the bruising and breaks.
“Carrying me over the threshold.” I grin playfully as he walks us carefully to a gap in the hedges and kicks open a heavy wooden gate. “So you’ve really never lived here?” I admire the white stone modern style house, gawping at the beauty of it. “It’s amazing.”
“I wanted a home for my family, not too far from the office. When I didn’t get that family, I didn’t use said home. It’s too large for just one person.”
“It’s too large for just two people,” I mutter, clinging to his neck gently and inhaling his soft yet spicy aftershave. “I grew up in a more modest house.”
“I know.” He smiles as he unlocks the front door to my new temporary home. I’m blown away. The hall we step into is spacious, with proper polished wood flooring, sparse furniture that matches and doors leading to different areas of the house. “Most people, when they get the amount of money you got straight into their bank, go crazy buying lavish things. You haven’t purchased anything beyond your basic needs.”
“Not true; I bought new underwear and a PlayStation.” But that was with his money, so it likely doesn’t count.
He rolls his eyes. “You’d live out of a backpack for the rest of your life if you had a choice.”
“I’d buy new clothes whenever my old ones get dirty and I’d roam across the world.”
“You’re the least manipulative and shallow person I’ve ever met. I’ve never met somebody to be so happy with the bare minimum.”
I frown at that. “It’s not the bare minimum; it’s everything. I’m not just settling for basic things. I enjoy it like this.”
“I know.” He kicks open another door and leads me into another hall, this one as bright as the last but narrower.
When we make it to our destination I frown, disappointed at the sight of another bed. Sure, it’s huge and comfortable and definitely clean, but I was hoping for something that isn’t a bed.
“I don’t want to be in here,” I whine. “I want to see the living room and make a nest on your sofa.”
“I have a surprise for you.” He sits me gently on the bed and I watch with a quirked brow as he fluffs up the pillows, pulls back the blankets and then presses something on a tablet screen which rests on the wooden bedside table.
I yelp when a huge TV begins to descend from the ceiling. It lowers its bottom half, gliding to the space just above the wooden footboard at the end of the bed. The floor beside it lets out a peculiar squeak and a narrow table rises from the floor. This entire room is like a mechanical jigsaw. Even the curtains are electric.
I could get so lazy in here, so fast.
“Your consoles and games of choice, milady.” He grins and suddenly I no longer want to be in the living room. “I am officially your slave for as long as you need me.”
“I could get used to this.” I smirk as he passes me the game controller.
“I didn’t bother with game disks. I just downloaded a tonne of games and added a couple of hard drives for you. Download whatever you like; it’s linked to an account that’s at your disposal.”
“See? I’m not into the bare minimum. I enjoy lavish things.” I grin but it turns into a yelp of pain when I make the mistake of trying to drag myself up the bed. “Fuck…”
“Here.” He goes to help me, looking concerned, but I hold up my hand to stop him. “Cerise…”
“I need to use the bathroom before I settle and it’s time for my bloody pain medication.” I smile up at him and tap my lips, which he kisses with little objection. “Now, please fetch my pain medication and a glass of OJ while I powder my nose.”
“Powder your nose?” He grins, kissing me again and helping me up from the bed. “The bathroom is just through that door. Please be careful.”
I’m naughty because the second he has gone, I strip off my clothes as carefully as I can and step into the walk-in shower. My god the hot water feels amazing on my skin. The nurses in hospital only ran lukewarm baths and they were so bloody shallow I may as well not have bothered.
I could drown in this so happily.
My soapy hands caress my body and my swollen bump. I can’t bend to wash properly so I use the fancy sponges and such that are probably made to reach areas of one’s back.
I haven’t felt so clean in forever. Longer than forever.
I crane my neck and gently twist so I can try to see the extent of the damage from the bullet, but my ribs just won’t allow it. Instead, I finish washing my hair and feel it with my fingers. The rigid edge where the stitches pierce my flesh tingles as I gently caress them. The skin around them feels numb.
“Okay, enough.” Lockhart’s voice startles me, making me jolt. I hide the pain that slices through me and wait for him to open the glass door. “You’ve been in there long enough.”
I look at him through the glass of the shower door, placing my hand against it and smiling at his blurry figure standing with a white towel open in his hands.
Stepping out, I let him wrap me up and smile peacefully when he brushes my hair as I stand and then braids it like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
“At least I know you’ll be able to do our daughter’s hair.”
He kisses the curve of my shoulder and guides me back into the bedroom slowly, then he helps me dress in a different set of pyjamas. “Rest and play your games. I’ll make food. Do you fancy anything in particular?”
“I’m happy with anything; don’t go out of your way.” I shuffle carefully backwards up the bed until I’m at the soft cushions piled against the headboard.
Lockhart turns on the television and hands me the remote and controller. “Soup?”
I cringe and stick out my tongue.
Standing by the side of the bed he suggests, “Chicken salad?”
“Yuck.”
“Then what do you want?”
“I don’t know; surprise me.” My eyes are on my loading game. “Can I invite Kai and Dane round to see this place? They’ll be wellie jelly.”
“Wellie jelly?”
I shrug and smile in his direction, keeping my eyes on the TV. I must look psychotic but I don’t care. “It’s something I say sometimes.”
“You can invite whomever you like, whenever you like. This is your home.”
I smile again, this time looking like I’ve had a stroke, or so I imagine.
“Beef sandwich?”
“Nah.”
“Cereal?”
I shake my head.
“KFC?”
I stick out my tongue and pull a face.
Sighing he continues, “Maccies? Chinese? Indian?”
I say no to them all.
He huffs charmingly and raises a brow at me. “Cerise…”
“Beef sandwich?” I ask, finally looking at him in the eye as my game loads in the background.
His look of irritability quickly becomes a mask of frustration. “I just asked you if you wanted…” He stops mid-sentence, breathes, nods and adds, “coming right up.”
“You’re the best.”
His eyes soften. He leans on the bed and I tip my head back to accept his kiss, my eyes still on the game.
“But you need a break from me. You’ve literally been by my side for days. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate you, I appreciate it all, but you’re going to start resenting me if you don’t go and be by yourself for a while.”
He licks my top lip with his tongue and smiles playfully. “I’m exactly where I want to be.”
“Then why aren’t you in that kitchen making me that sandwich?”
Growling, he kisses me deeply, making me hum against his mouth and forget my game entirely. I play with his hair; he loves it when I do that. I just wish I could straddle him and release this ache in the pit of my stomach… mainly my groin.
“Damn it, I’m so horny!” I cry dramatically.
He lurches back, his eyes wild, and I know he feels the same. “Kitchen.” He points towards the door. “Drink?”
“Whatever you have. Nothing fizzy. She doesn’t let me have fizzy.”
He really has been bending over backwards for us, I think as he leaves the room. It’ll be our downfall if it’s forced. It doesn’t seem to be. He seems happy enough and I wonder if it’s because he’s worried I’ll leave. But he shouldn’t want me to stay if it’s not for the right reasons.
We should talk soon, once I’ve processed the information he already piled on me in the car.
Once I get past the beginning of this game.
* * *
He brings me the most delicious beef sandwich on soft bread with butter, iceberg lettuce, a thin scraping of mustard and some diced cucumber and onion.
Sitting beside me on the bed, we eat together, careful not to get crumbs on the mattress. That’d be a sin.
Once lunch is finished, he takes me on a little walk around the rest of the gorgeous house, frowning every time I grunt like a baby. He’s too concerned and I feel bad for him.
“There are so many things left to discuss,” he sighs after showing me the garden just big enough for our kid to run around a swing set in, with space left over for a hot tub. Unfortunately, he was right in saying that. We can sit and draw out our fantasies but the fact of the matter is, neither of us knows where we’ll be romantically in a few weeks.
When the sun sets as we eat Chinese food that he ordered in, in the dining room, he hardly talks to me at all and as much as I want to ask him what’s wrong, I don’t because I’m too scared of what he’ll say.
At bedtime he rests beside me until my eyes start to droop, then he kisses my temple and stands.
He doesn’t stay with me in bed to sleep.
Nor does he for the next few weeks, even when I’m ninety-nine percent better and able to do normal things again. The doctor said so herself.
In fact, he does little with me beyond small conversations here and there. He’s literally a shadow of his old self and the more time that passes, the less and less he kisses me and touches me.
* * *
Dane and Kai have visited numerous times. They’re exactly how they were before, which I’m grateful for. It’s easier to slip into normal life when those around me are normal.
Georgia gets ready to leave after a two hour visit in which she brought cake and introduced me to some light yoga. She’s one of those really naturally flexible types with excellent balance. She made it look so easy until I fell onto my face and gave myself a nosebleed and watering eyes.
To her it was hysterical; to me, however, not so much.
“I still can’t believe you’ve been asked to start as an ambassador,” she says suddenly and I know she’s referring to the interview I did almost three weeks ago in the city.
I was surprised when Shannon Kane travelled here to host her show instead of expecting me to go to America. I have a feeling that Tobias had something to do with that. He was adamant he didn’t want me travelling after all I’d been through.
“Who knew talking about rape in front of thousands of people could get you some respect,” I grumble, not wanting to think about it. “Besides, I’m the worst person for that role. I didn’t come forward. I ran like a coward.”
“Which is exactly why you’re the best person for it.”
“I have an idea of how I want to help people and it’s not by talking at conferences full of rich snobs.”
“No,” she agrees, “but it’s a start.”
“I want to establish a mental health facility for people on low income that can’t afford the kind of care I got.”
“This is exactly why you need this - to get your sponsors.”
Over the past few weeks I’ve dared look online and it’s shocking how many men and women commit suicide after going through something as horrific as a sexual assault. Something has to be done about it because there is such a grey area in the system.
If I can do something to help, I’m going to.
Especially after my extremely emotional, yet kind of scripted, interview went so well. I had to talk about that night and how it had affected not just me but everyone around me. I also had to talk about the attack where I was shot, but because I don’t remember I promised to maybe blog about it one day.
People love shit like this.
It’s sadistic and wrong but they love drama.
Rep was right, though. It was the right call to make as the media frenzy has calmed down loads. I’m already getting offers of ridiculous amounts of money and other gifts to allow certain magazines to do pregnancy shoots and the first baby shoots.
Something else I have to discuss with Lockhart.
“Just remember that things like this don’t happen to everybody. Maybe there’s still some good that can come out of what happened to you?” She hugs me tight, checking my sore nose with her finger to make sure it’s definitely not broken. I go cross eyed which makes her giggle like a child. “I should go…”
She reaches for the handle right as it opens and Tobias strolls inside with his brother Drake.
“Georgia.” Tobias dips his head at her and gives me an awkward kiss on the cheek.
Drake, however, lifts me and spins me, making me laugh.
“Drake!” Tobias chastises. “Are you trying to hurt her?”
“I’m fine.” I roll my eyes at the over-protective man beast and wink at the uncle to my demon spawn. “He’s still a bit paranoid over my health.”
“And extremely distant,” Georgia mutters so only I can hear, making me nod slowly.
“Sucks to be in love, doesn’t it, brother?” Drake chuckles, messing up Tobias’ hair.
“What are we, twelve?” Tobias spits, shoving his brother away. He looks at me. “I’ll see you at dinner.”
“Yes, boss.” I salute him and roll my eyes back to Georgia as they walk away.
“He’s still so stiff with you. What’s wrong with him?”
“Fuck knows.” I laugh but it’s forced. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. I’m not sure I want to either. I’m starting to wonder if he even likes me anymore. I am damaged goods after all and he has seen me being defiled by another man. A man he hates.
Maybe it’s all finally catching up to him and he’s starting to realise the severity of what happened. Maybe he’s only keeping me around for the kid.
“Don’t let it worry you. Just talk to him, clear the air.” Georgia smiles and finally escapes my home.
I sigh dramatically and close the door behind her when I see that she’s safely in her car. Then I set about finding Drake and Tobias. As expected I find them in the spare room where Tobias has been sleeping every night.
“Can I get you guys any tea or coffee?” I ask sweetly, leaning against the door jamb.
Tobias sits at his desk and types away on his laptop. He’s mad; I can see it in the lines around his mouth.
Drake stands at the window behind him. They both look my way but it’s Drake that speaks first. “I’ll pass this time. It’s just a flying visit to settle some accounts, seeing as this asshole won’t leave your side to work.”
I frown at that. Even though I hear the joke in his voice, I don’t want anybody thinking I’m keeping Tobias from his business. “I told him I’d be fine…”
“Have you checked your phone at all today?” Tobias asks. “Rep called me a moment ago because you haven’t been answering your phone.”
“I’ve been doing pregnancy yoga.” I grin at Drake. “Badly… but I still did it. Go me.”
He laughs but Tobias does not. In fact it’s safe to say he looks extremely displeased.
“He said he has found you the perfect apartment in London.”
My eyes widen. “Oh… I hadn’t… I mean… I’ll go and call him.”
“Yes, you do that,” He spits, waving me away like some kind of naughty child.
Drake whispers something to him but I don’t hear him as I’m already racing from the room to find my phone.
Well… shit.
That would explain why he seemed so frosty when I entered the room. We can’t put off talking any longer.
* * *
I wait for Drake to leave; it doesn’t take long. Then I approach Tobias’ room once more. He didn’t leave it to see his brother out. To say he can be rude sometimes is an understatement.
“Knock knock,” I say after actually knocking and getting no answer. “Tobias?”
“Not now, Cerise,” he barks, making me hesitate, but I’m resolute because this has to end.
“We need to discuss this,” I snap, placing my hands on my hips with flair because FUCK HIM and his shitty attitude.
He doesn’t reply so I knock again, and again, then repeatedly and quickly until I hear his heavy steps.
Ripping the door open, he glares at me with those gorgeous, vivid aqua eyes and yells, “NOT NOW!” His mask is one of fury but there’s a sorrow to his eyes that doesn’t let me leave.
“Don’t shout at me!” I yell back. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“You are what’s wrong with me!”
Here we go.
I blow out the breath I just sharply inhaled. “You’re upset…”
“Too fucking right I’m upset.”
“I asked him to find me an apartment weeks ago. I haven’t been actively looking, Tobias.”
He rolls his eyes. “Right. Does it even matter? You’re going anyway. I know you. God forbid you should put your faith in me just once.”
“Wait… what?” Now I’m really confused. “I’m here, aren’t I?”
“By choice? No.” He snarls.
I hate that he’s feeling this way so I step closer to him and grip the front of his shirt. “I’ll turn the apartment down. Just ask me to stay. We haven’t discussed it. I’m happy here. I’m happy to come home to this, to you, when I finish work or touring or whatever I have planned or you...”
He looks faintly surprised and his anger melts away. “You want to stay?”
“Have I given you reason to believe otherwise?”
A peaceful wave of emotion relaxes his face and he pulls me into his chest, his foul mood gone as quickly as it came.
What a psycho.
My psycho. I smile at the thought, even though I shouldn’t. After all he’s done… but… meh. I’ll go to hell with him so it’s all good.
Still, I’m not letting him get away with that shit. “But speak to me like that again, I’m gone in a heartbeat and I’m taking our daughter with us.”
“I shouldn’t have shouted,” he admits, closing me in a loving embrace. “I definitely shouldn’t have shouted.”
“We’ve been avoiding this for too long.” I tip my head back and press my lips to his. “Actually, you’ve been avoiding me for too long and I’ve just been too busy pretending life is perfect to figure out why.” Seeing how he reacted to me wanting to leave has reassured me that him not sleeping in my bed isn’t because he doesn’t want me. I deduce that it is likely because he doesn’t want to hurt me, but I’m all better now.
He doesn’t deepen the kiss as I expected. He holds my biceps gently as though ready to push me away, which he has done a few times in the past few weeks.
This time I’m ready for it. I grip his shirt and crush our lips together. Then he becomes unresponsive.
He actually uses an excuse when he pulls back, saying, “I have a lot of work to get through.”
“That’s okay.” I grin my sexiest grin. “I’ll just blow you while you work.”
My grin widens into a smile when he chokes a little and seems to have to gather himself.
“Not now, I need to concentrate.”
He needs to concentrate?
“Ooooookaaayyyyyy….” I don’t want to push him. If my kiss isn’t working, my verbal dirty talk isn’t working and just the sight of me isn’t working, then I’m not going to force him. “Maybe when you’re done?”
Am I actually asking him for sex? What is wrong with me?
“Sure.” He pats my cheek awkwardly and is about to turn back to the room when I stop him by tugging his shirt.
“Can I ask you something stupid? I don’t want to come across as insecure or whatever because to be honest, I’m not… I’m still sexy even though I’m pregnant, but that doesn’t mean you have to feel that way,” I ramble, shake my head to clear it and then blurt, “Are you not attracted to me while I look like this or is there another reason why you’ve been rejecting my advances since I got home?”
Again he looks shocked and nervous. What is wrong with him? This isn’t the Tobias I know!
“You think that because you’re pregnant… with my child… that I no longer find you desirable?”
I shrug my shoulders, keeping my face carefully neutral. “It’s stupid to ask. It’s not like you’re going to say, ‘yes, Cerise, I think you’re mingin’’. Forget I said anything.”
“You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on, even now while puffy faced and pregnant as you often refer to yourself.” His smile is gentle and warm. “I just really do have a lot of work to do right now.”
Maybe he’s right. I’m being paranoid. “Sure. I’m sorry… so, my bed, later?”
“Yes,” he says, but ‘later’ comes and, unfortunately, I do not, because he doesn’t bloody show up.
I don’t chase after him. I’m not about to beg for attention like some kind of dog. Instead, when the morning rolls around, I get up, get dressed and, for the first time since coming here, I leave the house alone. In his car.
I am such a motherfucking rebel.
Looking great in clothes he purchased for me that I actually like, sunglasses over my eyes, seatbelt on tight and leather backpack on the passenger seat, I drive to somebody who I haven’t seen in what feels like forever. Somebody who I hope I haven’t completely fucked up with.
* * *
“Cerise!” Enri looks surprised at first but it quickly changes to a broad, handsome grin. “What are you doing here?” He scans my body, levelling on my middle and comments, “You look really pregnant.”
“Twenty-eight weeks and counting. May I enter?”
He nods, standing to the side to let me in.
I step into his hallway and he leads me into the main room of his apartment. The last time I was here we snogged on that couch, almost fucked, and Lockhart caught us.
“Can I get you a drink?”
“No thank you.” I stare at the sofa for the longest moment, wondering why I did what I did. I know I must’ve fancied Enri once, but I just don’t anymore. He used to make me feel so hot and needy, with just a smile. Now the only person who does that is Tobias and he’s killing me with his unwillingness to participate. “I actually came to apologise for not responding to your messages and to thank you for your gift.”
“Don’t apologise.” He pulls on the back of his neck, looking really uncomfortable. “Please… you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Actually I did.” I face him and tilt my head to catch his eyes. “I used you, to get at your cousin, which is fucked up. I fancied you, but I wanted him more and I knew that doing that would hurt him. I still did it and I’m sorry.”
“Cerise,” he chuckles, raising a hand. “We’re consenting adults. I knew what I was getting into with you. You made no promises and neither did I.”
I know he’s about to bring up the video, again, so I raise my hand, mirroring his movement just moments ago. “I forgive you, completely, for the video.”
His lips part.
“I said I did before, but I didn’t mean it. I don’t blame you for it getting released. It’s not your fault you were hacked.”
“Cerise…” he breathes, taking a step closer to me. The emotion is in his eyes; I can see it there but I need to not acknowledge it.
“Just promise me you won’t film anybody else without their consent?”
“On my life.” He raises his hand for a different reason this time and then crosses the room to hug me. “Thank you.”
“Why is everyone so mushy now?” I grumble, smiling as I return his hug. “I thought that was supposed to be me?”
Chuckling, he kisses my forehead and releases me. “Thank you for coming here today.”
“Do you want to do something? Catch a movie?”
He nods eagerly. “I could actually think of nothing better.”