I CAN’T REMEMBER A TIME in my life when I felt like this. She hit me so hard; my heart’s become a twisted piece of metal only suitable for a junk yard.
Maybe it’s my fault for going all in; for believing I finally deserved something good after all the shit I’ve done in my life.
I never saw this coming.
Shit, who could’ve?
I take the steaks I had marinating out of the fridge. I can’t go to Sassy’s tonight. It’ll hurt too much.
Dev got in everywhere.
I can’t escape her at work, on my favorite jogging trail, hell I can’t even sleep since she invades my dreams.
How am I gonna escape this heartache?
The screen door slams behind me as I carry my dinner out to the grill.
Love’s a bitch and now I remember why I always ran from it. My cell rings and I tense half, wishing it’s her and half hoping it’s not.
“Shanna?”
“You okay?”
“I’m just peachy darlin’.”
“You understand why she didn’t tell you, right?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes. “No. Actually, I don’t have a goddamn clue.”
“Men never do,” she sighs.
“Watch it, girl. I taught you how to ride a bike.”
“Duke—he’s not taking it well.”
I grunt, “Then me and him are in the same boat.”
“Just don’t do anything, stupid, Rog. See what she has to say.”
I’m silent and she knows.
“You didn’t give her a chance, did you?” She exhales, “I have enough on my hands dealing with Duke. I can’t hold your hand too. Come on Rog. Stop being a pussy and go for it for once. You think I don’t know that you are using this as an excuse to push her out? I think I just figured out why you’ve stayed single your whole life.”
“You don’t know jack shit, girl,” I bite out, hands clenched as I pace barefoot across my back deck, “I loved your mother. Loved her more than anyone but she never saw me.”
Shanna’s startled gasp stops me in my tracks. I’m a bastard taking out my frustration on her.
“I’m sorry, baby girl. I’m being an idiot.”
“Yeah, you kinda are. Is it true?”
“Yeah. I was young. She was my unrequited first love. If she had looked at me—I would’ve given her the world. But she didn’t. Life here was hard for her; it broke me to watch her fall apart. She loved you baby girl, but she needed to go. She couldn’t fly here. And she knew Pops would never let you go, too.”
“I-I’m sorry Rog. I just don’t see you with my mom. I see you with Devon. Make this right or I’m gonna kick your ass.”
“I’m not sure how. Trust is something I don’t give lightly. I gave it to Dev without question. I lost my head and I don’t like the way it feels.”
“I know. But look at me and Duke. No one had more obstacles to cross than the two of us.”
“I need you to keep this between you and Duke. I can’t have Dev getting any blowback from the boys.”
“Of course, Rog. I like her. We’ll talk soon, okay?”
“Yeah,” I mutter disconnecting.
“Fuck!” I yell noticing my charred steaks on the grill. I was so lost in the past and the present that I forgot all about them.
Turning the grill off, I chuck the steak in the trash and grab my keys, guess I’m heading to Sassy’s for dinner anyway. So much for avoiding the ghosts tonight—not just Dev, but Dee and Pops, too.
It was slow as shit tonight. I polished all the bottles behind the bar just to keep my hands busy—smashed a few too.
That’s when Federico stepped in and kicked my ass to the backrooms. I almost swung at him.
“It’s my goddamn bar. I can break shit if I want to,” I had told him.
“Jefe. You need to chill,” he said placing a hand on my arm.
“Fuck off,” I turned holding the bottle up ready to smash it on the side of his head. Big Jim lumbered off his stool and grabbed my arm, “Dude, fuckin’ chill.”
“Whatever, I want you two assholes out of my bar.”
“I’m the bouncer, jefe. You can’t bounce the bouncer.”
“The hell I can’t,” I roared so loud the veins in my neck popped out. A few women grabbed their purses and ran for the door.
“Christ, I’m a mess. Take over for me behind the bar.”
“Who me?” Big Jim asked shocked.
“Not you, asshole. You’ll drink yourself under the bar.”
Federico takes my place and I head down the back hall to my office. Her last paycheck sits on top of my desk. Sighing, I sit down heavily, causing the springs to creak. I reach for my cigar box and put one between my lips savoring the taste and feel of it before snipping the end and lighting it.
Alone in the dark, I grieve for the girl I had a chance of forever with. My hands shuffle and reshuffle the invoices and bills on my desk. The smell from my cigar comforts me. I open my drawer reaching for my reading glass that Dev always found sexy and put them on. My lips twitch remembering the night she wanted me to wear them to bed but I told her I leave them here in my office.
She pouted.
I spanked her and promised I’d bring them next time.
But there never was a next time.
My dick and heart both wilt, wishing things turned out differently.
My fingers pull the chain on my desk lamp and I get to work, doing the business I blew off when I rode out to Cali to meet Duke with Dev’s DNA sample. I fire up my laptop and login, shaking my head at how torn up Duke was about it all; half-wishin’ it was true, half-hoping it wasn’t. All kinds of shit resurfaced for him—shit that he buried a long time ago. But this situation opened old wounds. Dee Dee Stanton fucked up Duke’s childhood, broke-up his home, turned his father into a raging alcoholic asshole and Duke bore the brunt of all that.
None of it has anything to do with Dev, but yet everything to do with Dev.
It’s a head and heart trip no one was prepared for. I work until my eyes blur from staring at the glow from the computer screen.
Sighing, I shut everything down and take my glasses off, rubbing my eyes. Grabbing my leather cut from the back of my chair, I shut my lamp off and walk out locking my office door behind me.
“I’m headin’ out. You good to lock-up?”
“Sí, jefe. You go. I got this,” Federico waves to the handful of patrons lingering till closing.
Hands bunched in my jeans, I make my way over to my truck parked out back. Lost in my thoughts of the long, lonely night ahead, I don’t see her waiting until I’m five feet away.
Her beautiful long locks fly in the wind. Her eyes look haunted.
“I-I didn’t want to come inside,” she shrugs folding her arms over her chest.
“Your paycheck is on my desk. Federico can get it for you,” I reply moving to open the door she’s leaning on.
“I didn’t come here for money.”
“Well, what did you come here for then? There’s nothing here for you other than that.”
Her shoulders slump, “How was I so wrong about you?”
“No. How was I so wrong about you?” I snarl ripping my door open, forcing her outta the way. My head turns in her direction, but I can’t look at her as I bite out, “You didn’t trust me. I was your man, darlin’. You should’ve told me,” I shake my head.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers looking at her feet, “but I’m nothing like her. I’m just me. I’m still me, Rog.” She places a pleading hand on the sleeve of my coat.
“Really? ‘Cause lookin’ me in the eye while I moved inside you, lookin’ at you like you were my new world—and you, YOU—just kept your secrets to yourself. Hell, I was bearin’ my soul to ya’ girl. I gave you more than any woman while you just took my heart and crushed it.”
“You’ve got it all wrong, Rog. You wrecked me. You just ran past me, like I meant NOTHING?! Like we meant, nothing.”
“That’s because we are NOTHING, now, baby girl. Whatever we were startin’—it’s done—over.”
“Don’t say that. We can fix this.”
“We shouldn’t need to. We’ve just begun, and we need to fix this?” I gesture between us, “That’s the thing, darlin’ I learned that lesson a long time ago… hell maybe that’s why I never had many relationships—when there are problems early—you fold. No sense in playin’ a losin’ hand.”
“Just let me in. Don’t shut me out.”
I look down at her beautiful face still full of hope. I shake my head sadly. “I can’t darlin’. Trust and loyalty mean everything to me. I’ve built my life on those two things. Creed lives by it. I’d be dead by now if I gave everyone a second chance. It’s just how I am. I don’t do them. No matter how much I might want to,” I tell her softening the blow by cupping her cheek one last time.
“Look, I admit I fucked-up. I didn’t know you when we first met. I didn’t know any of you—but what I did know was how much all of you still held onto your bitterness decades after she died. Why can’t you just let it go?”
“I did. I have. It’s not about her, sugar. It’s about you; knowing your secrets, keeping them while makin’ me fall in love with you. I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore.”
“I don’t need a promise for forever. I just need you to promise me tonight,” she whispers cupping my jaw, stroking my soft beard in her tiny hands.
“You don’t know what you are saying. I can look past who you are but there might be others who can’t. There’s still a lot of people in this town with long memories and hard hearts where Dee Dee Stanton’s concerned. Besides, maybe I just wasn’t meant for love. I’ve gone so long without it and survived. The only thing that’s ahead for me are harsh winters and lonely nights. But in a way; I welcome them. It’s what I know. It’s who I am.”
“You might think that the best years are behind you but that doesn’t mean they actually are. What if… what if we are each other’s happy ending?”
“Life isn’t a fairy tale sweetheart and I ain’t no prince.”
“No, it’s not. That’s why I’m choosing to take what’s right in front of me. I’m not afraid and I don’t care if people talk. Let them talk. YOU. You make me so goddamn happy. My heart sings every time you smile and the lines crinkle from the corner of your eyes. Every time you laugh low in your throat, my tummy flutters and when you look at me when you don’t think I’m looking—my knees get weak. No, you’re not a prince, you—are an ogre. A grumpy old toad with a kick ass body and heart of gold. So, what’s it going to be? Are you afraid of this because I have the genes of a she-devil in my blood?” She gestures between us, “Are we going to go our separate ways… never knowing what could be?”
“Don’t. Don’t do this sweetheart…,” I break off in gruff whisper.
“Whatever. You stubborn fool.”
She turns to leave, but I grab her hand, “I don’t want you mixed up in the life I chose to live. The club… we still got enemies. You would be a target, sugar. I can’t—won’t see you get hurt. For what? A fling? A love affair doomed from the start?”
“How can you say that? You don’t know that. And we were more than a fling. We could be so much more…. ” She breaks off.
“I do know. I’m too old for you Devon. Christ, you deserve a man with the best years ahead of him not the worst. When I look at you, I see a woman who deserves a goddamn picket fence and a golden retriever.”
“I’m allergic to dogs.”
I laugh pulling her close. She feels so sweet; so right. I sigh, closing my eyes and savoring the moment because I know I can’t let it last. I breathe her in, she smells like lavender and honey and feels like home.
“Ah, Devon, girl. If things were different—you’d be in my bed tonight.”
A tear leaks from her eye and runs down her cheek. “No one ever wants me. Why should I be surprised? My own damn mother never gave a shit. I quit. I can’t work for you anymore.”
I nod my head, “I figured that’d be best for everyone.”
“Do-does the club know?”
“No, sugar. I told ya’ I protect what’s mine. Only Duke and Shanna know, plus Federico. He was the one who gathered intel from the cemetery workers. I won’t put you through that baby girl, even though whatever we were building collapsed between us.”
“Someday you’re going to regret this moment. The moment you watched me walk away. It might be in twenty days or twenty years but mark my words, Rog. You’re gonna be alone with nothing but a heart full of memories and the bitter taste of regret on your tongue as you wonder how in the fuck you ended up alone in that secret cabin of yours without even a goddamn pet for company,” she mutters turning on her heel and walking away in the moonlight.
She doesn’t turn back to look at me, not even once, for if she did—she’d see tears leaking from my eyes. I laugh bitterly tasting them. I don’t ever remember crying—even as a kid.
She’s right—so goddamn right, but my feet won’t move. I’ve made my choice, knowing I’ll live with it.
Somehow.
I can’t sleep. I didn’t want to shower before bed, wanting to leave his smell on me until it fades on its own. He smelled of leather and bourbon and felt like home. I can’t sleep in my bed without remembering how it felt to sleep with him in it.
I sigh snuggling under the thick comforter, my back aching from lying on this worn couch for a week.
My cell rings on the coffee table and I reach for it without even checking the caller. Only Luce would call me at 2 a.m. anyway.
“‘Lo?”
My stomach clenches at the voice I know as well as my own, “Dev?”
“Jeff? Are you out of your mind? Why are you calling me?”
“Please, don’t hang up. Please… I’m begging you. I know I screwed up. I just need to get this off my chest…”
“I’m not interested in the ‘whys’ months later.”
“I know. I j-just miss you. You were such a big part of my life.”
“Yeah, well, that’s what happens when people break-up Jeff. They go their separate ways and you forget about all that.”
“I can’t. She doesn’t understand me like you do.”
She?
“Look Jeff, I don’t know what’s going on with you but I have enough on my plate right now. Please don’t call me again.”
“She’s pregnant.”
“Who? Who’s pregnant Jeff?”
“My new girlfriend. The entire time she was telling me… all I could think about is that it should’ve been you. It should’ve been us having a baby.”
“You’re right it could’ve been. But it’s not. I-I’m sorry I can’t be the one you talk to about this,” I groan burying my head under the duvet wishing this past week was all just a hellacious dream. I don’t hang up. I don’t even know why. I’m just silent as he talks in hushed tones; filling me in on his life since we parted ways. His voice is like an old pair of jeans: sometimes they’re worn and comfortable, other times, the fit is just too tight—either way you’ll always love them.
Listening to him takes my mind of my own heartache as he tells me about Evelyn: A shy soft-spoken girl who’s blonde and blue eyed and nothing at all like me.
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. I don’t love her. Not in the way I loved you.”
“If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have let me go. I think you should try to at least work things out with her. Especially since she’s keeping the baby.”
I wait for jealousy to come, it’s fleeting then it’s gone. I don’t want Jeff anymore but talking to him reminds me how strong a bond we had before we pulled the plug.
“Okay, so maybe I do want to hear what happened between us.”
“Dev,” he sighs, “I panicked. I saw my friends going out, dating a different chick each week, talking shit about wild weekends at the Lake, while you and I were playing house.”
“Playing house?” I warn.
“Come on, Dev. You know what I’m trying to say.”
“Yeah, I do. You wanted to go fuck random girls rather than have a real relationship, with me.”
“Hell, it sounded good at the time. I’m sorry. It ended up sucking, to tell you the truth—that’s how I ended up with Evelyn. She was cute and quiet, practically had ‘relationship’ stamped on her forehead.”
“Yeah, well now she has ‘baby momma’ stamped across it.”
“Ouch.”
“Sorry. So, not sorry,” I whisper teasingly.
“Do you still love me?”
“I-I’m sorry. I don’t. I actually met someone too…”
“Oh?”
“He’s incredible.”
“Well, I know he’s a lucky man. Thanks for talking to me Dev. I needed to hear your voice.”
“I get it. We were together a long time, but now we’re on separate roads. Good luck to you.”
“You, too.”
A steady fall of rain begins to pelt against my window, the constant beat oddly lulls me slowly to sleep where I dream of Rog and I at the lake chasing a pair of toddlers down the small beach. The boy has his father’s build while the girl looks like me.