Chapter Twenty
I’M WEARING AN Aidan Mattox strapless gown. It’s a beautiful rose color and the bustier is snug. It accentuates my breasts and constricts my waist. The little fabric flower accents decorating it are beautiful, but the smoldering gaze Adam has in his eyes when he focuses on me is what makes the fairy tale complete.
“You are staring, Mr. Black.” I lean back against the plush leather of the limo and cross my legs to give him a more tantalizing view.
“You can’t honestly be mad at me for being mesmerized by such a stunning sight.”
“I can be mad at you for being so indiscreet.”
Adam laughs. “Believe me, I’m being discreet. At the moment, images of you wearing nothing but those heels are consuming my thoughts. You’re lucky I’m only staring.”
“I disagree.” I give him a playful pout. “I’d much rather you go with your impulse.”
“You want me that badly?”
I give him a slow, serious nod. Our eyes lock for a long beat and then our lips are pressed against each other. Adam moves his hand to my ankle, trailing it up my leg, and when he reaches the apex of my thighs he groans. His fingers press against the silky fabric of my panties, cupping me.
“You’re already wet.”
“I can’t help it. Around you it’s hard not to be.”
Adam gives a deep chuckle. He moves the delicate fabric of my panties to the side and rubs me. Like a cat in heat, I move my pelvis forward and Adam accepts the silent invitation. He slides a finger inside me, prompting a loud moan to escape my lips.
“As much as I’d like to peel that dress off your body and fuck you, we’re almost there.” He moves his finger back so only the tip is invading me, and when he pushes into me again his thumb rotates along my clit.
The muscles of my core constrict and I shift my pelvis forward to meet his thrusting finger. “Then fuck me only a little.” I mewl as my body gyrates against his skillful touch.
“How exactly does one fuck someone a little?” He teases as he pushes another finger inside me.
I groan at the welcome invasion. “You’re known to be a resourceful man; I’m sure you can figure it out.” A damp sweat creeps over my brow as my breath becomes shallow.
“I don’t think you realize how convincing you can be.” He trails wet kisses across my cheek. “Do you want to come?” Adam whispers as his tongue licks the edge of my ear.
I know why he’s asking the question. He wants me to beg, and lost to his touch, I’m more than willing. “Yes…please.”
His free hand moves to my breasts and with ease he releases them from the tight bodice of the strapless gown. Then his tongue is rolling around my nipples and the muscles between my legs are clenching around his probing fingers.
“I’m going to let you, because I want you to walk around this party wet.” His voice is silky smooth as he speaks in an authoritative tone. “Throughout the night I want you to think about how when we return to the limo I’m going to spread those pretty legs of yours and fuck you until you’re slick with my cum, until it’s dripping down your thighs.”
His words are like a lit match rippling across my skin. I’m burning with need for each deep thrust, for the feel of his talented fingers as they caress the parted folds of my sex and claim me with eager persistence.
“Would you like that?”
“Yes,” I moan between breathy gasps. My eyes focus on his as he teases me with each stroke. He has a charming half-smile on his lips and I know why. Only he can do this to me. I’m his.
I reach the peak of my orgasm. My body stiffens and the muscles between my legs convulse as I come, pleasure searing through my trembling limbs, rocking me to my core. This is the type of pleasure you feel only when you relinquish control—when you let go of inhibitions. A frightening thought invades my bliss. You’ve given him power over your body but not your person. He doesn’t really know who you are. What would happen if he did?
Adam’s fingers are still inside me and the feathery kisses he trails across my neck brings me back to reality. They tear me away from my sudden melancholy. My mouth is parted, because it’s the only way I can breathe at the moment.
“I love that abandoned look your eyes get when you come,” he says in a slow drawl.
“We have arrived, Mr. Black.” Parker’s voice echoes from the intercom.
My body tenses at the sound and Adam grins. He presses a button before he speaks. “Give us a minute.”
He pulls his fingers out of me and I exhale slowly. A small pout forms on my lips as I shift my dress into place so my breasts are tucked away.
“You should be smiling.” He says, tugging the lapels of his suit and straightening his appearance.
“I would be, if we could skip this party and enjoy the one we have going on in here.” I lean forward and grab the hand he used to finger-fuck me. “You have lipstick on your lips. Right here.”
I move his damp fingers along the edge of his lips. Adam pulls me against him to steal a quick kiss. I squeal at the action and revel in the taste of my own release. I don’t know why, but tasting the saltiness of my arousal on his lips is so damn erotic—I love it.
He pulls back from the kiss. “What a difference two weeks makes.” He gives me a pensive stare as his hands cradle my face. “Are you happy being here with me, spending as much time as we have together?”
The question surprises me, and I want to pull away from his grasp. It’s hard to focus on his gaze because his eyes have a serious expression, one that simultaneously scares and intrigues me.
I place my hands on his cheeks, mirroring his actions. “Yes. Being with you is the only happiness I’ve known for a long time.”
Adam shakes his head with a smile and pulls away from my hold. His mask slips in place and the intimacy we’ve just shared is lost. “Shall we?”
I comb my fingers through my hair while a lingering dread builds inside me. For some reason I want to stay in the limo, but that’s not an option so I give him a quick nod.
We exit the car and the flash of cameras blind me. I didn’t expect to be accosted by reporters, though I suppose when you’re dating one of the most sought-after bachelors in the state and you go to a high-profile event, that’s precisely what’s going to happen.
Adam holds me close as the reporters get their photos. After a brief pause we move past them and enter the Biltmore hotel, a stunning building surrounded by lush greenery.
As we head toward the ballroom I have to rein in my astonishment. The room has vaulted ceilings adorned with chandeliers and spectacular arched columns outlining different alcoves, housing elegant tables. Multiple second-floor terraces are rimmed with elegant iron rails, and in general the entire room boasts impressive architectural features.
The moment we enter the room people are greeting us, and I’m startled. I’ve spent the last few years in a bubble, and before that my experiences were limited to the normal activities of an everyday college girl. I spent my days going to movies and the mall, not being escorted to fancy charity events. I cling onto Adam’s arm because I’m filled with uncertainty. How am I supposed to act around these people?
Adam leans to me and whispers, “You okay?” I give him a shy nod and he flashes me that perfect smile of his. “I think you need a drink.”
“I think for once I agree with you. In fact, make it a double.”
He chuckles and leads me to our table. It’s segregated from the rest, toward the end of the room. Adam disappears into the crowd, making his way to the bar while I’m left on my own. The table is empty, and I assume all who are supposed to sit here are currently mingling. The out-of-place feeling multiplies in the seconds I’m left alone in this new, strange setting.
Sarah strolls over to the table and gives me a hug. Her skinny frame feels flimsy and the strong smell of liquor and perfume emanates from her pores. “You got roped into this event as well? Well, aren’t you lucky.”
I try to hide the frown that forms on my brow. “I take it you didn’t want to come?”
“It’s not that I don’t support the cause, but I could do without all the snobby people rubbing elbows and insincerely smiling at one another.”
I arch a brow at her comment. “It can’t be that bad.”
“You would be surprised.” Sarah smoothes out the wrinkles in her dress. “Do you plan on sitting here all night?” She gives me a glance, and I note the dare in her voice.
“Lead the way.”
We walk toward one of the alcoves, featuring easels holding pictures of various men and women surrounded by children. From the actions and setting, I assume that these people have contributed to the Children’s Care Fund.
Sarah affectionately grabs me by the arm as we walk. I steady her as we move, making sure she doesn’t fall.
“You okay?” I can’t hide my concern.
Her laugh is bitter. “I’m peachy.” She points to a photograph in which her father is tending to a sick child. “Did you know my family makes up the top three contributors?” She leans against me and whispers, “It’s all a pissing match. Father donates because he works at the hospital and it’s expected. Mathew only donated because Mother nagged him, and, well, he wanted to one-up Adam, but of course Adam wouldn’t let him win. He contributed the most.”
“Sarah, I doubt they would do something like that for such ugly reasons. In fact, I know Adam would never do that.”
Sarah twirls so she’s standing in front of me. Her eyes are holding pooled tears. “Don’t be naïve; men only like that in short spurts. After a while they grow bored of explaining everything to the inexperienced.”
Now I’m getting annoyed. “How much have you had to drink?”
“Not enough.” Her hand moves to her pale face. “You should run far away from Adam. Everyone in this goddamn family is a lost cause. They’re only interested in keeping up appearances.” She wipes away a trailing tear.
“Why are you saying this?” My words are a hushed whisper. “I know yesterday was upsetting but…”
“I meant it when I told you that I liked you.” She shakes her head and lurches to the side. Her hand reaches for one of the easels and it shifts, unable to hold her weight.
I lunge forward and grab her. Even inebriated she’s a beautiful girl—her blond hair is straight, and her cerulean dress matches the blue of her eyes. “If I could, I would run,” she says, her petite frame trembling. “Listen to my warning. Get out while you still can.”
“What happened yesterday after we left?”
Pulling back from my hold, her features soften as she straightens. “I think I need to visit the ladies room.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“No. I’m fine. Adam’s probably looking for you.” She stares at me an odd expression dominating her face. Is it pity I see, or resignation?
Before I can decide, Sarah turns and dashes off. I want to follow her, to make certain she’s all right, to ask her all the questions racing through my head, but I’m in shock. Never did I expect Sarah of all people to warn me away from Adam.
I turn and make my way to the dining area when I’m stopped by a familiar image. The photograph in front of me is of Adam. He’s sitting in a room surrounded by small children and he’s holding a book, reading to them. I would never have pictured Adam volunteering in a hospital, and yet as I stare at the image it makes perfect sense to me. Sarah is angry at Adam; maybe she’s angry at me for telling him about Markus. I’m not certain what is wrong with her, but I am sure about one thing—Adam would never donate to a charity he didn’t believe in, and if I needed proof it’s right in front of me.
When I reach the table it’s full of people. Adam is frowning as he sees me approach.
“Where have you been?” he murmurs low, but with annoyance.
“With Sarah. We were looking at the photographs in the other room.”
The furrows in his forehead soften. “Next time tell me where you’re going.”
“Why?” I say with genuine confusion.
“You’re too sweet for the type of crowd these parties cater to. I worry someone might upset you.”
“I’m not made of glass and though you like to believe you can control every situation, you can’t.” My tone is playful but I’m dead-serious. “Besides, what can anyone at this party do to upset me?”
Adam opens his mouth to respond but is cutoff by someone calling his name. He turns his head quickly, addressing a man sitting across from us and my question is soon forgotten.
The next half hour passes without a hitch. I’m concerned about Sarah. She’s been absent for the duration of the dinner and no one at the table seems to care. Adam has spent the time talking to his father, and more than once I’ve caught Mrs. Black staring at me. My skin crawls every time her emerald eyes focus on me because they seem so appraising. What the hell is she thinking?
After dessert is served, Adam is called up to the podium to speak.
“Hearing you have developed a debilitating disease of any kind is hard to understand and to accept. However, when you’re confronted with such a difficult situation at a young age, the illness does so much more than incapacitate your body; it steals your innocence.
“All of you who have contributed to this fund should feel a measure of satisfaction, because your support has allowed children who previously had no recourse to get the care they need. However, our journey certainly does not end here…”
Adam speaks about statistics concerning child cancer rates and how the donations for the Children’s Care Fund are monumental for the advancement of research. After he’s done with his speech, everyone applauds and brings out their checkbooks, including me.
I expect Adam to return to the table after his speech, but that doesn’t happen. He spends much of the evening talking to other guests while I’m left alone. Obviously, he took my impassioned, I’m not made of glass comment to heart, because I’ve been left to my own devices. Even after getting what I wanted, I’m not happy. You practically told him you could handle being on your own—now you have to live-up to the boast. Don’t be clingy!
My internal pep talk appeases me for five minutes and then I’m again restless. It’s uncomfortable to be sitting while everyone is mingling, so I head to the bar and order a drink. “Cranberry Sparkler, please.”
As I’m waiting, a familiar bitter voice makes me groan.
“So he decided to bring you along even after yesterday’s disaster.”
I turn to face Victoria. “Do you seriously have nothing better to do at these parties than come and bother me?”
“Don’t flatter yourself.” She motions for the bartender. After her drink is poured she turns to face me. “Did you have the opportunity to read the article?”
I should walk away, but her question intrigues me. “What article?”
She pulls out her phone and shows me an alarming headline, Millionaire Playboy Starts Jealous Brawl at Sister’s Party.
“Shit.” I say the curse a bit more loudly than I intended, and a few guests give me frowning glances. “That’s not what happened.”
Victoria shrugs. “I don’t think reporters are known for their interest in the truth, at least not these ones.” She smirks at me. “You’ve been dating him for a few weeks and already his name is being tainted by the association.”
I down the drink I receive from the bartender and make my way to the restroom. I may actually throw it up. The loud tapping of Victoria’s heels as she pursues me, fuels my anger.
“Leave me the hell alone.”
“Did you know my mother is good friends with Lillian Black? They’ve often discussed how wonderful it would be if Adam and I happened to fall in love.”
“I don’t care who your mother is friends with. You can all waste your time together daydreaming. It’s not a concern of mine. Stop following me,” I keep walking, striding out of the hall.
“Does Adam know about the time you spent locked away?”
My muscles lock—I’m frozen solid. And the edges of the room are blurring as if I’m a watercolor painting, discarded in the rain. How did this woman learn so much about me in such a short time?
Victoria laughs with genuine mirth. “Is it like in the movies? Did they lock you in a white room and make you wear a straightjacket?”
Don’t you dare pass out! March up to this bitch and slap her. Snap out of it! I focus on my thoughts because if I don’t, I’m a goner. I’m getting a headache from holding back my tears.
I turn and slowly move toward Victoria. Even though I’m in heels, she towers above me. “Maybe they did, Victoria. Maybe I was so out of my mind that for my own safety and that of the staff they had to make sure I couldn’t move. Now, do you really want to fuck with someone not all there?” I stand in front of her, my expression calm, though I’m anything but in control. I’m a hairsbreadth away from lunging forward and claw out her crystal-blue eyes.
She takes a hesitant step back. “You don’t deserve him.”
“Mind your own damn business.”
“He is my business.”
Lillian Black’s voice breaks through the air like the snapping of a whip. “Victoria, go back to the party.”
Victoria’s face crumples. “I was just…”
“I know what you were doing.” Mrs. Black moves toward me. “Evelyn, walk with me.”
The way she speaks makes it clear she’s not asking me a question, but voicing a command. At the moment, I could care less. I need to get far away from Victoria, because if not I’ll attack her—I’ll make a scene.
Giving Victoria a final glance, I turn to follow Mrs. Black, who’s already moved ahead. She leads me back to the ballroom though instead of intermingling with party guests, we climb some steps, making our way to a secluded terrace.
“I’ve found out some interesting facts about you, Miss Snowe.”
I lick my dry lips and nod. “I imagine Miss Chase was more than happy to supply you with these facts.”
She shakes her head. “It was I who informed her. Though I never expected she would be foolish enough to confront you herself.”
“How…” I swallow, pushing past the tightening of my throat. “How could you know anything about me? I only met you yesterday.”
“As you grow older you’ll find that life is all about who you know.”
Her eyes narrow as she watches me and under the weight of her scrutinizing stare I find it hard to stay still. “You are quite beautiful, I can see why my son is taken with you.” She pauses and shrugs. “But you’ll soon realize, if you’ve naught already, men are very fickle.”
She combs her fingers through her blonde locks while peering down at the dance floor. “Don’t they look good together?”
I place a hand on the rail, and focus my gaze in her direction. Adam is standing at the edge of the dance floor talking with a group of men as Victoria approaches him.
She’s only a few inches shorter than him. Her complexion is pale and perfect. Victoria places a hand on his forearm, bracing herself as she stands on her toes and whispers something in his ear. Adam shakes his head, and though his body doesn’t lean into the sway of hers, he doesn’t pull away from her touch. She says something and then everyone in the group laughs, including Adam.
They do look right together, like connecting pieces in a puzzle. I don’t belong here; throughout the course of the night I’ve felt out of place, and as I watch them I know why.
The words of Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof echo in my head. Adam is a bird and I’m a fish. It doesn’t matter that I love him, because our worlds are too different to reconcile. I will never be accepted by the people in his life.
“I normally wouldn’t interfere in his affairs,” Mrs. Black says. “I mean, Adam usually beds women and then tosses them aside. However, he’s clearly enamored with you, and though he’ll bore soon enough, by then the damage will be done. He did this once before.”
“Serena Welsh,” I murmur.
“He spoke of her?” A derisive chuckle seeps out of her lips. “They were childhood friends and fell in love in college. She was studying music as he was. I tried to discourage him from pursuing that degree, from being with her, but he wouldn’t listen. That woman nearly tore my family apart. She broke his heart.”
“I won’t do that,” I whisper.
Mrs. Black stiffens and an emotion I’m not familiar with crosses her face. “As an architect, I’ve spent my life imagining buildings, constructing countless structures and making something beautiful out of ideas. I’m sure as an artist you can relate to that sentiment.”
Though the shift in conversation surprises me, I nod. “Yes, of course. Being an architect is the same as being an artist. You just work in another medium.”
Mrs. Black smiles at me, and though the action seems genuine, the way her eyes narrow makes a chill run down my body.
“I have built many stunning things throughout the years. However, the greatest example of my artistry is my son. Raising him, helping him become the man he is today is my best accomplishment. One day, when you become a mother you’ll understand what I’m feeling.”
She takes a step forward, invading my space. The pleasant smell of her perfume contrasts with the acidity of her words.
“Would you want your son to get involved with a woman who tried to kill herself? Who spent months in a hospital for treatment for God only knows what type of issues? I’m sure you’re a lovely girl, but you’re not the right girl for my son.”
Her words are like a jagged knife plunging into my heart—they knock the wind out of me. Everything she says confirms the fears I’ve been harboring for weeks.
I want to speak in my defense, but nothing comes out. I felt rage when Victoria was insulting me, but in the company of Lillian Black, I’m numb. Her relation to Adam intimidates me; she’s his mother, and I’m only the woman he’s currently bedding. Even though I’m already defeated, she continues to speak.
“I have to look out for him when he’s too blind to realize the mistakes he’s making.”
I shake my head and focus on her, because I want her to see the sincerity in mine. “I love your son. The last thing I want to do is hurt him.”
Her features are like ice; my words don’t provoke even the smallest of cracks.
“Then walk away. Being with you will damage his reputation, potentially hurting his business associations. People will talk.”
“He doesn’t seem like the kind of man who cares about what people will say.” A tear escapes my eyes. I lean against the arch, shielding myself from the view of others.
She sighs in apparent annoyance. It’s obvious Mrs. Black, like Adam, is used to getting what she wants with no questions asked.
“He may not care what people will say, but you will. I’m trying to save you embarrassment. How do you think I found out about your situation?”
I blink a few times at the change of topic. “I don’t care,” I mutter, because the truth is, I’m terrified. Did she find someone from my past? How much does she know?
“As we speak, a story is being written on you and Adam. The only reason it hasn’t been published yet is because I know the editor. If you honestly care for him, spare him the humiliation.” She grabs my hand and shifts me so I’m once again looking at the ballroom. “The people in this room are his business associates. Believe me when I tell you they care about appearances. Dating you will only close doors for him.”
I press my cold hands against my flushed cheeks as I think. A thousand ideas hit me at once. If the people at school find out about my past I could lose my job. I take care of kids, and parents aren’t forgiving when it comes to those who are entrusted with the wellbeing of their children. I can hear them now. How can she take care of our kids if she can’t take care of herself?
What could this article do to Tina? She vouched for me so I could get the job. Could she lose her job because of it? Would the people at work lose respect for her and no longer value her opinions?
Oh shit! My mother! She’s already ashamed enough that her daughter tried to kill herself. If her business associates found out, she would be mortified.
What about Adam? Would he grow to regret being with me? Would the weeks we spent together be tainted by my past mistakes?
The revelations of what this article could mean to me and all the people I love is too much to take. I’m filled with resignation as I speak. “If the article is already going to be published, what’s the point? The damage is already done.”
“Your relationship is new and therefore unimportant. Fade away like the diversion you were meant to be and there won’t be a story to tell. End it tonight and no one else needs to know the details about your past, not even Adam.”
Mrs. Black turns, her hips swaying with grace as she saunters off, showing not even the smallest hint of remorse. This entire conversation has been insignificant to her—a means to an end.
Finally alone, the tears stream down my cheeks. Adam knows I have a past, and in the solitude of his apartment I’m sure it’s not a concern, but if being with me hurts his business dealings he’ll turn his back on me. I wouldn’t blame him.
The idea of having my life exposed in print petrifies me. I wipe the tears from underneath my eyes and rush down the steps. Aimlessly, I move through the lobby and head outside, and at some point I become aware of my surroundings. The courtyard is barren. Arches surround me, and a simple garden is outlined in the center. The wind brushes against me, and my nose, wet with my tears, feels cold.
“Evelyn!” Adam looks winded as he clambers down the steps leading to the square.
I’m pulsing with anger and relief. I hold onto the anger, because it’s the emotion that will get me through the night.
Adam moves closer to me. When I take a step back he tilts his head to the side as a look of confusion crosses his features.
“I’ve been searching for you everywhere.” By his tone, I surmise that anger is the emotion he’s favoring as well.
“Was this before or after your conversation with Victoria?” I circle the small garden at the center of the courtyard, lengthening the distance between us.
“I don’t see how that matters.”
“You wouldn’t,” I scoff.
Adam walks on the opposite edge of the garden, his eyes following me. “Is this your solution to a problem? You get upset and disappear? You disregarded the fact that I told you not to wander off without informing me.”
“And you were concerned?” I don’t bother to hide my sarcasm.
“I was concerned. In fact, I spend far too much of my time worrying about you.”
“Oh, well, excuse me. I’m sorry I’m such a bother.”
“Is there a reason you’re acting like petulant child?” His stare is icy and his body is rigid.
I sigh with resignation. “You said something didn’t work between you both, that she was smart and beautiful but not what you wanted. I think you’re chasing a challenge, and that’s a dangerous reason to be with someone.”
He closes the distance between us. I want to run away, because if he touches me saying goodbye will be impossible, and I’ve already decided…I’m saying goodbye.
“I’ve known Victoria since we were kids; our mothers are good friends.”
I roll my eyes, and by the stiffening of his jaw I can tell his ire is rising.
“I haven’t explained myself to anyone since I was a teenager. I’m not about to start now.” He takes a step forward, standing only a few inches away from me. “You should know by now that if I wanted to be with Victoria, I would be. As for the notion that I’m interested in a challenge, you’re right—I am. I want to be with someone who provokes me into interesting conversations, not someone who is contrary for the sake of stirring up nonexistent problems. I don’t have time for that.”
I want to tell him how his mother accosted me, how she blatantly told me I wasn’t good enough for her son, but deep down I know walking away is the only kindness I can offer Adam. He deserves to be with someone who is his equal, and I’m not. I’m royally fucked up, and being with me can only cause him pain.
“You two look perfect for each other. Cut from the same cloth even,” I murmur.
“I’m assuming you’re getting to a point,” he says curtly.
“We’re not right for each other.” I focus on the flowers in the garden, because I can’t face his scrutiny. I’ve never broken up with someone, and the idea of walking away, of returning to the black hole of my previous life, makes me feel lost.
“Why are you doing this?” One of his hands grabs my chin and roughly tilts my head back so I’m facing him. “You’re starting a petty fight with me for no reason. What aren’t you telling me?”
I hate how he can see through me, and yet it’s why I’ve fallen in love with him. He’s pulled more truths from me than anyone, but not today, not now.
“Adam, you don’t really care about me. You’ve spent the evening talking to everyone but me. Sure, behind closed doors I’m interesting but here…” I spread my hands open. “I’m a novelty you’re getting tired of.” I think back to Sarah and her warning earlier. She’s right, men don’t like naïve girls.
“If I’m getting tired of anything, it’s of your damn insecurities.” He lets go of his hold on me and turns, his hand resting on the nape of his neck as he gives me his back.
“There are days I still think about it, about hurting myself, and I don’t think it’s a feeling I’ll ever get over. The truth is, it’s a constant struggle,” I say, hoping I can show him I’m not worth being upset over. I want Adam to think of me as a mistake, because I do love him and I don’t want to hurt him.
Adam eyes clash with mine, his face ashen. “Evelyn…”
“I’m going home. This isn’t going to work; it’s over,” I blurt out quickly, because my resolve is wavering. This conversation needs to end.
I take a few steps to the left when Adam’s hands grab hold of my arms. He pushes me against a stone pillar and his gaze cold and impassive.
“This can’t be because I had a conversation with a woman who means nothing to me,” he says incredulously. “I know when someone is running away from a problem; I’ve done it often enough. What are you keeping from me?”
The smell of his body is intoxicating my senses, the scent and situation provoking my eyes to burn with the sting of impending tears.
“We both knew this was a short-term liaison,” I say pointedly. “You’re only upset because I’m the one leaving first.”
“Stop changing the subject. What the fuck are you keeping from me?”
“Everything!”
Adam moves back as if I have struck him. “You’re right then, it’s over. I can’t be with someone I don’t trust, and you sure as hell don’t trust me. I guess all we had between us was a couple of good fucks.”
I want to curl into a ball right there and bawl until my eyes are swollen, until the well dries and I have nothing left. Trust is the main thing he wants from me and I have denied him that again and again. In that moment I want to tell him everything that happened throughout the night. He deserves to know the truth. “Adam…”
“It’s my own damn fault for letting it get this far. When I found out about your past I should have ended things.”
His expression is vacant. His voice unfamiliar; it’s cold and foreign and the distance between us makes me clam up and stay silent.
“I almost did. When I took you to the apartment yesterday I was going to tell you it was over, but the way you reacted—you had a panic attack, your body was shaking and the expression in your eyes was so haunting… It made me want to take care of you.” He stares at the ground for a long moment. “I couldn’t turn my back on you.”
“So what your saying is that you’ve always pitied me?” I spit out. “I don’t need your charity. It’s never been something I wanted.”
“What the hell does it matter now?” Adam looks at me, emotionless. His hands are tucked into his pants pockets and everything about his posture screams of a person who’s indifferent.
I’m about to respond when Victoria rushes toward us, her face more pallid than usual. She’s focused on Adam, her gaze never meeting mine.
“You have to come now!” she sputters. “Your sister’s unconscious. We think she took something and we can’t wake her up.”
My heart skips a few beats, as the seconds trickle by in slow motion. It’s as if the air around me is compressing. I’m going to shatter.
How did I not see this? Sarah was crying out for help and I was too caught up in my own bullshit to notice. And then a horrible thought crosses my mind—maybe I did notice. Maybe I didn’t think twice about it, because going to that extreme, hurting myself, self-sabotaging, is natural to me. It’s my go-to instinct. I kept silent about my father’s suicide-talks, his late-night drinking binges, his emotional and psychological abuse, because I grew up thinking those conversations and experiences were normal. But they’re not.
After years of therapy and months of being institutionalized, I’m aware society says it’s wrong to hurt yourself, yet I can’t reconcile that truth with my twisted view of free will. And now, because of my inability to understand what so many people intrinsically know—Adam’s sister might be dead.