CHAPTER 17
I don’t have to wait for very long before the door is opened. Ethan stands on the other side of the doorway still shirtless and wearing the black leather pants and boots he wore to the duel. When he looks into my eyes, all I see is a blank slate. He’s showing zero emotion to me, and I don’t like that at all.
“Can I come in?” I ask him, not particularly wanting to have our talk while standing out in the hallway.
Without a word, he steps aside to give me enough room to enter. After I’m inside, he closes the door behind me with a soft click. As I let my eyes wander around the room, I immediately notice how stark it is. The basic architecture is the same as the rest of the palace with its golden beige walls and white trim, but there’s barely any furniture except for a simple bed that lacks even a headboard and a small writing desk and chair up against the wall directly across from the bed. There is one large window on the wall opposite from the doorway that looks out over Cirrus, but it has no curtains or other decorations around it.
The only spot of color in the room is a single orange flower in a dainty glass vase on top of the writing desk.
Ethan must notice me staring at the bloom because he says, “Anna has been trying to teach me about all of the flowers found on Earth. She has the maids bring me a new one each day.”
“What’s that one called?”
“A daylily.”
I turn to face Ethan fully because I didn’t come to talk about flowers. I came to ask him something, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.
“I guess I could beat around the bush and make small talk with you,” I say, “but I’m really not that kind of woman. When I want to know something important from a friend, I just ask.”
“Are we friends, Jules?” Ethan inquires, still maintaining his guarded expression.
“I would like to think so,” I answer, feeling nervous now that I’ve set the stage to ask my question to Ethan. A part of me wants to know the answer and a part of me fears that I’ll be given a reply I don’t want to hear.
“Then ask your question, and I’ll do my best to answer it,” he says reasonably enough.
“Does anything faze you?” I say, finding it troubling how calm he is about me just showing up on his doorstep unannounced.
Ethan looks confused. “You came all the way here to ask me that?”
I shake my head. “No. That’s not the question I want to ask you. I was just wondering how you can look so unruffled all the time, except when you’re mad of course. Then you make everyone around you quake in their shoes.”
Ethan takes a step forward and reaches out to touch my arm. Gently, he glides it down the soft skin, past the elbow, until he has my hand in his. Slowly, he brings it up to his bare chest and places the palm of my hand over his heart. I’m slightly startled by how hard and quick the beating of his heart is underneath my hand.
“Do all War Angels have heartbeats like this?” I ask in a whisper as I look into his eyes, waiting for the answer.
“No, it’s not common,” he tells me. “And my heart doesn’t beat this fast all the time. Just when I’m with you.”
I can’t help but smile at that remark because it makes me happy. I’m not ashamed to admit that I like affecting Ethan physically. It at least shows he cares, and I feel less awkward about asking my next question.
“Am I your soul mate, Ethan?” I ask him.
“Yes,” he replies readily, as he watches for my reaction to the news.
The smile on my face simply grows wider, which earns me a smile from Ethan in return. Then I remember what else it is that I need to say and my smile fades.
“What’s wrong?” he asks. “Why did you stop smiling?”
Reluctantly, I take my hand off of Ethan’s chest and clasp it with my other one as I begin to rub their heels together nervously.
“I have to tell you something about me before we take this any further,” I say, swallowing hard to work up the courage to continue. The next words out of my mouth might tear down everything Ethan feels for me right now, and I’m not sure I’m ready to do that. But my conscience is screaming to me that he deserves to know the truth about me before we take things any further.
“Jules,” he says, reaching out to grab ahold of my right arm. “What’s wrong? You can tell me anything.”
“I can’t have children,” I blurt out, feeling on the verge of tears because I don’t see how he can want to be with me now. “I know one of the reasons God sent you and your men to Earth is so you can take humanity to the next step of our evolution, and if you stay with me, you’ll never have a child of your own. I’m all you’ll get.” I shrug my shoulders slightly because I don’t know if I’m enough for Ethan to turn his back on such a large part of his mission.
Ethan tugs on my arm, urging me closer. Once I’m against him, he loosely wraps his arms around my waist to ensure that I stay put.
“I already assumed you couldn’t have any more children after you told me about the accident,” he reveals.
“And it doesn’t bother you?” I ask, finding it hard to believe. I know the facts of my situation trouble me a great deal. I’ve always wanted children, and now that I can’t have any, I feel like a part of me is missing. I feel broken inside, and it might be foolish, but I’m not sure I’ll ever feel whole again.
“I would have loved to have children with you, Jules, and I do regret that we won’t have a tiny Jules running around our legs one day, but you’re all I need to find happiness on Earth.”
“But what about your God-given mission?” I ask. “Won’t He be upset with you for abandoning it to be with me?”
Ethan grins. “No, He won’t be upset. In fact, I believe He’ll be overjoyed that we found each other. Most people don’t get to meet their soul mates, but He seems to be rather lenient about it when it comes to his angels. So many of us who have been sent to Earth have met the matches to our souls. I don’t know if it’s His way of helping us heal from what happened during the War in Heaven, or if He knows we need to meet certain people during our lives to help us carry out a much larger agenda He has in mind. All I know is that you are the only person in this universe I will ever feel this way about.”
“I’m sorry you drew the short straw,” I tell him, which simply earns me a look of bewilderment from Ethan. “It means you were unlucky by having me be your soul mate.”
Ethan looks even more puzzled. “Why in the world would you think that?”
“I’m damaged goods any way you look at it, Ethan. Let’s face it. I’m not good enough for you.”
“That’s ridiculous, Jules,” he says almost angrily. “Why would that thought even enter your mind?”
“Because it’s true,” I say, pulling myself out of his embrace. “My life is dark, Ethan, and I know I only have myself to blame for that. I allow things to affect me more than they should, and I’m prone to wallow in my own self-pity.”
Ethan grins slightly, like I just said something that amused him.
“What’s so damn funny about that?” I ask, not liking being laughed at for my honesty.
“We’re more alike than you seem to think,” Ethan informs me. “Do you know why I asked Zane to take you home instead of phasing you there myself?”
“No,” I admit. “But I was wondering why. You wouldn’t even look at me after the duel was over.”
“I was built to kill, Jules,” he tells me. “And today, I killed someone right in front of you.”
“King Manas didn’t give you much of a choice,” I reason. “He was attacking you from behind. What else were you supposed to do? Let him stab you in the back?”
“I didn’t have to kill him,” Ethan tells me, looking conflicted by the decision he made. “I could have just wounded him enough to prevent him from getting off the ground again.”
“You and I both know that Manas would have ended up causing more problems on Laed-i. He had to be taken out of the equation, and you did what needed to be done, Ethan. You shouldn’t feel ashamed of that. Did you honestly believe that I would think less of you because you decided to end a needless threat to that planet?”
“I wasn’t sure what you thought of me afterwards,” he admits. “You could only see me one of two ways: hero or villain, and I wasn’t prepared to see disgust for me in your eyes because of my decision.”
“You’re so stupid!” I say, closing the distance between us and wrapping my arms around his neck. “Of course you’re the hero of the story, Ethan. You don’t know how to be anything else.”
When Ethan wraps his arms around my back, I feel more complete than I ever have in my whole entire life. It’s not just because I’ve found my soul mate. It’s because I’ve found someone who is like me in so many ways that he doesn’t even realize yet. Everyone has a light and a dark side, but it’s the choices we make and the people we let into our lives that determines which side wins. I’ve let my dark side drag me down into a cesspool of misery, but now, I’m doing my best to reach for the light. I know Ethan can help me get there. All I need to do is have a little faith.
“What is that smell?” Ethan asks, sniffing my hair and neck.
“Uh, I’m not sure,” I say, bemused by his sudden fascination with my aroma. “Is it a good or a bad smell?”
“Intoxicating,” he practically moans, using his right hand to pull my hair away from my shoulder to give him better access to my bare skin. When he sniffs the crook between my neck and shoulder, I do something that I rarely ever do. I giggle.
“That tickles,” I tell him.
Ethan kisses the tender flesh there and causes my whole body to tremble in excited anticipation. My body begins to ache in certain private places as they practically beg for more attention from him. It’s been so long since I made love to a man, I barely remember how good it used to feel. In a way, I don’t mind that loss of memory so much. I’ve only had one lover in my life: Timothy. I would rather not compare my experiences with him to the ones I’ll have with Ethan.
As Ethan’s lips make a warm trail down my shoulder, I can still hear him sniffing me like I’m a flower. It makes me ponder what it is he’s actually smelling.
Reluctantly, I decide to take a step back from him.
“I think I need to take a shower,” I tell him. “The woman who groomed me for the king may have put a lotion on me that I didn’t know about. It could be what you’re smelling.”
“I’m not sure I understand what difference that makes,” he replies, at a loss about my need to explain his reaction to me.
“What if she put some kind of magical pheromone on me to make me more attractive to the king?” I suggest. “Apparently, she didn’t consider me beautiful enough to be marrying Manas. Lady Maya may have thought she was doing me a favor by sprinkling an attractant on my skin to make me more desirable to men. I would rather make sure that it’s me that’s getting you all hot and bothered and not something artificial.”
“I can assure you it’s you, Jules,” Ethan says with certainty.
I look around the room and see a door that must lead to the bathroom.
“Do you have a shower I can use, and perhaps something I can wear afterwards?”
“If you want, I can take you back to your apartment to shower and change clothes,” he offers.
Normally, I would accept that type of suggestion, but I have no way of knowing if Helena has gone back to my place. If she is there, I definitely don’t want Ethan running into her. Neither of them seem ready to consider the other person’s side of the argument, and I don’t want to run the risk of an altercation between the two of them just because I want to bathe.
“I would rather stay here,” I say, making my way toward the bathroom before Ethan starts asking too many questions. “Just leave whatever you find for me to wear by the sink.”
I walk into the bathroom and quickly shed my clothes before hopping into the shower. I don’t dare take too long, even though I’m thoroughly enjoying the soothing warmth of water cascading down my body. I make sure to wash the makeup Lady Maya applied off my face because I have no idea if it might be causing the effect. When I step out of the shower, I dry off and slip on the white, oversized robe Ethan left for me by the sink. Once I towel dry my hair, I step back into the bedroom to find Ethan. He’s still shirtless, for which I am eternally grateful, but he changed out of his tight-fitting leather pants into a pair of loose-fitting ones. They almost look like pajama bottoms, but I think these are worn during physical combat training.
“Are you feeling any better?” he asks as he meets me in the center of the room. “I have to say, you look more beautiful without all that makeup on your face.”
I pull the collar of the bathrobe away from the right side of my neck.
“Smell me,” I order as I crane my neck to the left in order to give him ample access.
Ethan smiles at my odd sounding request, but complies without complaint.
He leans over, sniffs the crook of my neck, and lets out a pleased moan.
“Damn it,” I say, turning around to head back into the bathroom. “Maybe I need to scrub harder.”
Ethan phases to the doorway of his bathroom to prevent me from entering.
“Jules,” he says with a small smile, “I’m just attracted to the way you smell. I don’t think that Lady whatever-her-name-is put anything special on your skin to make you more attractive to the opposite sex.” He walks up to me and asks, “Why is it so hard to believe that I’m attracted to you?”
Honestly, I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know how to respond, so I say nothing at all and just shrug my shoulders helplessly.
“Come here,” Ethan says, holding out one of his hands to me.
I walk the four steps it takes until I’m standing right in front of him.
“Don’t get too excited,” I warn him. “I don’t go all the way on a second date.”
Ethan smiles. “Is that what this is? Our second date?”
“I’m going to count it as the second date,” I inform him. “Because tonight will be our third date, and I can assure you I expect a full on make-out session before the night is over.”
Ethan pulls me in close and begins to nuzzle my neck again.
“And are these dating rules of yours hard and fast ones, or are they flexible?” he murmurs, just before he begins to tease the sensitive skin on the side of my neck with his lips.
“Right now,” I say, closing my eyes and allowing myself to enjoy the multiple sensations Ethan’s tiny kisses are having on my body, “I would have to say they’re extremely flexible.”
Ethan moves his mouth up to my ear and whispers, “Good, because I’m not sure I can wait for a fourth date to go beyond a make-out session. I would take you right this minute, if you would let me, and I can assure you that neither of us would be the same again afterwards.”
The sensation of his warm breath and the urgency in his voice makes me want to throw caution to the wind and drag a willing Ethan to his bed. Would it be so wrong to make love to a man I’ve only known for a couple of days? He is my soul mate, after all. It’s not like he’s just some random stranger off the street. And he’s an angel to boot; you can’t get much purer than that.
At least I don’t think you can …
“How many women have you had sex with since you came to Earth?” I ask Ethan point blank.
He immediately stops kissing my neck in order to look into my eyes, and I feel like I’ve just dumped the verbal equivalent of a cold bucket of ice water on the situation.
“Why is that important?” he asks. “Especially right now.”
“I don’t know how it works here on Earth,” I say, “but on my world, we have things known as sexually transmitted diseases. If you’ve been with a lot of women, you need to be tested before we go any further.”
I can tell I have indeed broken the mood when Ethan takes a step back from me.
“I’m human,” I say as an explanation for my caution. “There are some diseases that can kill me or, at the very least, make me sick.”
“Don’t take my pulling away as me not understanding your concerns,” he replies. “I just never considered it a possibility that I could have a disease. Angels don’t normally get sick, but to be on the safe side, I can have Desmond run the necessary tests before tonight.”
“I’m sorry if I completely destroyed the mood,” I apologize, feeling like a dolt for being the STD patrol girl.
“Don’t be sorry,” Ethan tells me, bringing me back into his arms. “I should probably take you home now, though, so I can go see Desmond and get checked out.”
“How long is it until the party?” I have to ask because I’m not sure how long I slept after I got home.
“It’s in a couple of hours.”
“A couple of hours!” I start to panic. “I haven’t had time to go shopping to find something to wear!”
“I don’t think Anna or Malcolm will care what you wear to it. They just want you there.”
“But I care,” I say, realizing Ethan still hasn’t mastered the thought processes of females yet. We don’t like to be under- or overdressed for a social function. Both are sins against fashion and good manners. “My mom probably has something I can borrow. We’re about the same size. Taking me home is probably a good idea. I’ll need some time to get ready.”
Ethan touches me on the shoulder and phases me to the living room of my apartment.
“I’ve always wished I could phase,” I say, feeling a tinge of envy. “Instant travel beats walking any day of the week.”
Ethan leans over and kisses me on the cheek. “I’ll come back here to get you in a couple of hours.”
“Okay,” I say, wondering something. “Why is it that you haven’t kissed me on the lips yet?”
“I was hoping to share our first real kiss with you tonight, if that’s all right.”
“Yes. I would like that. I was just confused. I mean, it felt like you wanted to ravish me in your bedroom just a minute ago, but we haven’t even had a mouth to mouth kiss yet. It just seemed odd is all.”
Ethan smiles. “If we’re going to follow your rules of dating, then I would like to make all the small steps we take in between as special for you as I can. Is that all right? Or do you want me to go faster?”
“Can we be flexible about it all?” I suggest. “And decide on things together as they happen?”
“I can be flexible,” Ethan promises, but the statement sounds more sexual in nature by the deep timbre of his voice.
“Go get tested,” I urge him. “I may want a demonstration of just how flexible you are sooner than you think.”
Ethan begins to laugh but phases away before I can hear it end.
I quickly go to my bedroom, grab my phone off the nightstand, and call my mom.
All I’m able to get out is a quick, “Hey, Mom.”
“Jules!” I hear her call out from the living room.
I end my call, and before I can even stand from the side of the bed, my mother phases into the room.
“Oh, thank goodness,” she says, bringing me into her arms as soon as I stand.
“Mom, too tight,” I squeak out as she continues to squeeze me. She loosens her grip, but doesn’t let me go.
“Enis and I came over here earlier when Roan told us you were back home. We were surprised you didn’t call us yourself to let us know, but I guess you were exhausted from everything because we found you sound asleep when we phased over here.”
“I’m sorry,” I apologize. “I should have called you before I fell asleep. I was just so tired I didn’t even think about it.”
“It’s okay,” she says, letting me go to take a step back and look at me.
I see her squint at the robe I’m wearing.
“Is that new?” she asks. “I don’t remember you owning a bathrobe.”
“I just came back from Cirrus,” I tell her. “I had to see Ethan.”
“Cirrus?” From the perplexed and surprised look on her face, I already know what her next question will be. “Who took you to Cirrus?”
I could lie and say Zane did, but I don’t lie to my mother. It was one of the most important rules we had in our house when I was growing up because I knew either my mom or Uncle Enis would always know if I lied to them.
“Helena took me to see him,” I admit.
My mother crosses her arms over her chest before asking, “And why, pray tell, was she even here?”
“To eat all of my peanut butter?” I say jokingly to lighten the mood.
“Jules …” my mother replies in that voice that lets me know she’s quickly losing patience with me.
“You’re not going to like the real answer any more than that one,” I tell her. “She told me that the baby has basically hijacked her powers and that he was the one who brought her here and wouldn’t let her leave. Then she ate all my peanut butter and phased me to see Ethan so he and I could talk.”
“Are you and Ethan having problems?” she asks before looking pointedly at my robe. “Or has your relationship progressed further than I thought?”
“A little bit of both, I guess,” I say.
I go on to tell my mother everything about my time in King Manas’ black fortress and Ethan’s refusal to even look at me after the duel. I also tell her that against all odds, Ethan and I are soul mates.
“Enis and I already assumed that the two of you were,” she reveals.
“And you didn’t think I needed to know that kind of information?” I ask in surprise.
“For humans, being someone’s soul mate doesn’t automatically mean you’ll fall in love with that person. And since you’ve gone through so much in the past few years, we weren’t sure you would open yourself up to Ethan.”
“I’m making him get tested for STDs,” I tell her. “Saying it out loud like that makes it sound sort of stupid now that I think about it.”
My mother smiles. “I seriously doubt he has a disease, unless War Angel biochemistry is different for some reason. But it’s better to be overly cautious. I’m glad all of my talks about such things sunk into that thick skull of yours.”
“That’s all you and Uncle Enis talked about when I was a teenager. I don’t know why though. Timothy was my only lover.”
“Yes, that’s true,” my mother says, averting her gaze from mine like she’s hiding something from me.
“Mom …” This time it’s my turn to use the warning voice. “What aren’t you telling me? You have that guilty look you get when you don’t want to tell someone bad news.”
My mother looks back at me and seems to deliberate about whether or not to voice what’s on her mind.
“Just let it go, Jules. What happened is in the past now, and you have a chance at a beautiful future with Ethan. At least, I assume you’ve decided to give him a chance.”
“Yes. I’m giving him more than a chance, but you need to tell me what it is you’re keeping from me. Spill it.”
My mother sighs in resignation. “I’ll tell you, but you have to promise me that you won’t let it affect the happiness you’re allowing yourself to experience right now.”
“Just say it!” I yell, becoming upset with all of her delays.
“When you were teenagers, we discovered that Timothy had multiple partners.”
I feel sure if I’d had anything inside my stomach, I would have thrown it all up with my mother’s revelation.
“You knew he was cheating on me, but you didn’t tell me?” I ask her, angry and confused that my mother and Uncle Enis kept this information from me for so long. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“Who were you going to believe at the time? Me and Enis, or your beloved Timothy? You were young and in love, and we knew that if we tried to tell you, we would run the risk of losing you. After we discovered what he was doing, we did the best we could. Enis threatened to kill him if he ever cheated on you again, and I made sure Timothy was tested for every known disease.”
“Since Uncle Enis didn’t kill him, I assume that means he stopped cheating on me.”
“He did,” she tells me, pausing because she has more to say but doesn’t seem to want to say it. “But after the accident, he did seek out female companionship again.”
“How could I have been so blind?” I ask. “How did I not see the type of person that he was until it was too late?”
“You loved him,” she says by way of explanation. “In hindsight, we know we should have told you about his affairs while you were teenagers, but we acted selfishly because we didn’t want to risk losing you.”
I sit down on my bed, feeling as though my whole life has just been one long lie.
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this after he committed suicide?” I have to ask. “Why did you let me mourn his death when you knew all of this about him?”
“Would it have helped if we had told you about his unfaithfulness, or would it have sent you even farther over the brink? We couldn’t take the chance that it would do the latter. We couldn’t lose you because of that bastard.”
Now it all made sense. I never could understand the underlying hostility between my mom, Uncle Enis, and Timothy. Now, as I think back on it, I realize that the tension between them all started while he and I were teenagers. How could I have been so blind to the type of man he truly was?
My mother sits down beside me while I process the secret she just revealed to me about a man I once thought I knew better than anyone else in the world. Now, I realize I didn’t know him at all. Perhaps I never did.
“Why did he stay with me?” I question. “If he wanted other women, he should have just left me.”
“I think Timothy loved you, in his own way.”
“No wonder Uncle Enis always hated him.”
“Not always,” she reminds me with a sad smile. “When you were children growing up, we both loved him a great deal. When we found out that he betrayed you, if felt like he betrayed us all.”
“I was such a fool. I should have seen the type of man he was.”
“I think a part of you did in the end, but by that time, you were so angry at him all we could hope for was that you would eventually let him go. We had no way of knowing things would end so tragically.”
I feel numb. The man I thought I knew and wanted to build a life with was nothing more than a liar. I almost let my guilt over Timothy’s suicide ruin what I might be able to have with Ethan. I’m being given the opportunity to experience real love now, and I get to do that with an angel who’s my soul mate.
“Thank you for telling me, Mom,” I say. “I guess I needed to hear the whole truth to make it easier to move on. I can’t change what happened in the past, but I can affect what happens in my future.”
“Ethan’s a good man,” my mom says, looking happy and excited that I’m finally ready to start thinking about my future again. “He will be loyal to you now and forever. I have no doubt about that.”
“Me either,” I say, finding a reason to smile.
I realize now that it’s time for me to let my past remain there. Everything—good and bad—has forged me into the person I am today, but my future doesn’t have to be a mirror of my past. I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to build a life that I want to live.