Cassi

The farm hadn’t changed much since we were kids—all that was missing was the barn.

We didn’t have any animals, and we hadn’t grown any crops, but with Rem at my side…it felt like we’d traveled back five years.

I wasn’t sure if that was good or not.

Jules had agreed to watch the kids—or, at the very least, ensure a bleary-eyed Quint didn’t accidentally sit on them when he stumbled out of the kitchen with his Coco Pebbles. Rem had taken my hand and led me outside.

To talk, he’d said.

I still couldn’t speak a single word.

Rem guided me behind the chicken coop. I peeked in on Helena, the eggless wonder. She pecked at the earth, content, plump, and standing by her life-choices one gobble of seed at a time.

He stopped in the center of the field and squeezed my hand. “Remember this spot?”

All of a sudden, I remembered a lot of things. Some good. Most bad. “Should I?”

“This was where I threatened to run you over with the lawn tractor.” Rem smirked. “You stood your ground.”

“And you ran over my shoe.”

“Your foot wasn’t in it.”

“You still mulched my favorite boot.”

“Yeah.” He snickered, tugging my hand to keep walking. “We kept finding flecks of pink rubber all over the damn farm during our chores.”

And Rem had always been diligent with the chores. He’d work with Tidus in the mornings. Help water the animals with Jules. Muck the stables with whoever got stuck on animal duty that afternoon. Mowed the grass with Dad. Harvested the crops with Quint and Varius.

Even helped me water the little sunflower garden Mom and I had planted.

Until that day with the barn, Rem had been another member of the family, putting in the blood, sweat, and tears required to make the farm successful.

And he never did it because Dad threw money his way. And it wasn’t because his friends were stuck doing chores before they could go get in trouble.

Rem had worked the farm because he’d wanted to help.

He’d wanted to be a part of the family.

I still couldn’t breathe. Rem was careful, walking slow with me, unable to answer the questions I couldn’t voice yet.

“Right here?” He planted his feet and leaned against a fence in desperate need of repair and paint. He pointed into the pasture. “Right here was where I watched you ride that black mare.”

“Olivia.”

“I watched you one day, just riding. You didn’t see me. Don’t think you saw anything but wind and grass. You and Olivia just flew across the field, and I thought…I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful in my life.”

“Me or the horse?”

“I think you know.”

“At this point?” Confusion and desperation rocked my soul. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

“I fell in love with you that day.” Rem frowned as the fence nearly collapsed under the weight of his arms. Old wood that’d gone too long without repair. “I was standing here thinking…someday, I’m gonna marry her.”

My heart lurched, but Rem didn’t say anything more. He walked away, his pace slow until I reached his side once more.

What was he doing to me?

Did he want to drive me to my knees? Start a panic attack?

Was he trying to make me dive into his arms and never let go?

Cause I was close. And it scared me.

He walked me over the fields, pausing at every place of significance for him. Where we’d shared our first kiss behind the shed. Our fight near the cow trough where he’d landed face first in the water. The secret tree where we’d meet under the cover of darkness while everyone slept. Even Tidus didn’t know about that.

In a matter of minutes, we’d walked through our life. Places where we fell in love. Hideaways where we’d fought. Shadows where we’d teased each other, tormented each other, and tried to hide all of our feelings.

He stopped at the edge of the field where the grass shaded a lighter color. Rusted equipment and junk now littered the corner of the farm where the barn once stood.

“And this is where everything fell apart.” Rem’s voice lowered. “I never meant for it to happen this way, Cas.”

“I don’t understand. What happened? Why would Tidus set fire to the barn? Why would you take the blame?”

“Because I had to.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

Rem stared over the farm. “Your family was my family, Cassi. My dad lived only to drink, and the bottle gave out same year as his liver. My mom followed him to the grave. I was on my own, but your parents welcomed me to the farm. Every day. They fed me. They let me stay the night when my folks were fighting. Gave me my first job. Without them…I might have ended up a lot worse. They kept me from going too far. From losing myself.”

“But the fire…”

“I didn’t want anything to hurt your family. I’d already led Tidus down the wrong path. You think he’d have those tattoos if it wasn’t for me? The smoking? The drinking? The drugs?”

“He’s cleaned up now,” I said.

“Because I left. Because I wasn’t there every day, encouraging him.” He didn’t hide the truth anymore, even if it broke our hearts. “I was the one who got us in trouble. We pissed around. We got arrested. Hell, we almost got expelled from high school. Tidus was a good kid, and it was my fault he had that…streak in him. I was mad at the world, but he had everything. And because of me, he never saw how good it was.”

“That doesn’t explain why.”

“There was a lot you didn’t see back then, Sassy. A lot we hid from you, to protect you. You think the fighting is new? It started long before the fire. Tidus never got along with your father.”

It didn’t surprise me. “No one got along well with Dad. He worked them too hard.”

“Because he thought he was saving us. When he looked at Tidus, he saw my influence. Your dad pushed too hard. Punished him for every ounce of trouble we got into. Then he started doubting Tidus. Accused him of lying. The older we got, the less your dad trusted him, and Tidus resented that.”

My chest ached for the brother I’d thought I knew the best. “He never said anything.”

“No one was listening.” Rem shrugged. “Except me. And it shouldn’t have been me.”

“What happened?”

“One day, your mom’s migraine meds went missing. The benzos. Your dad blamed Tidus. Roughed him up when he denied it. Never once believed Tidus when he said it wasn’t him.”

I couldn’t blame Dad. Back then, I’d have assumed any missing drugs to be in Tidus’s pocket too. “Who took them?”

“No one. They were just missing. But Tidus was embarrassed to be called out like that. He got mad. Real mad. He didn’t snap because of the pills, but because of everything. Years of your dad railing on him. Beating his ass. Refusing to listen. So Tidus got pissed, lost his temper, and…”

Same story, time and again. “He lost control.”

“I caught him in the barn, lit cigarette in his hand. He didn’t even say a word. Just flicked the cig into the hay. Then he lit another one.”

Rem rubbed his beard and combed a frustrated hand through his hair. I squeezed his shoulder, but I don’t think it helped the memory.

“I leapt on him before he could toss the second one,” he said. “We fought until we were bloody. He broke my nose. I bashed his head against the barn door. It took a concussion before he realized what he’d done. Then…he panicked. The fire was already out of control. We got most of the cows out, but after that…it had to burn.”

I hugged myself. “It was chaos. Middle of the night. Everyone was panicked. Terrified.”

“It sobered me up, right then and there. I saw everything. It was my fault Tidus had ended up the way he was. He’d taken on his vices because of me. And I never tried to help him, only wanted to get in more trouble.”

“So you took the blame?”

“If your father had known Tidus set the fire, he’d have kicked him off the farm and out of the family. It would have destroyed you guys. Torn you apart. I couldn’t let it happen. The Paynes were the only real family I ever knew, the only ones I’d ever loved. And you did so much for me, all the while I pissed away my chances and made it harder for everyone, including Tidus.”

I wished I could have held him, but my feet didn’t move. “You were a kid, Rem.”

“And I became a man that day. I took responsibility. I said it was me. I told Tidus to shut his mouth, turn his damn life around, and to help his old man instead of fighting all the damn time. I told him I wanted to keep your family together—to spare them the pain that would have come from the truth.” His words hollowed. “And I left that night.”

“Without saying goodbye,” I whispered. “Without telling me the truth.”

“I had to, Cas. I wasn’t anywhere near good enough for you then. I couldn’t take care of you. Couldn’t support you. Couldn’t even keep myself clean. You deserved someone better.” He brushed my cheek with his hand. “So I’m going to be better for you.”

The tears threatened to roll over my cheeks. “Do you know how long I spent loving you and hating you and missing you and trying to get over you?”

“Same amount of time I loved you, hated myself, missed you, and regretted leaving.”

“I would have understood.”

“Maybe. I did so much to protect your family that I forgot to start one of my own. And I want to change that now. I want you, Cas. Me. You. The girls, for as long as they need. I wasn’t born into a family, but your parents gifted one to me. Now it’s my turn. I want to create that family with you.”

I bit my lip, but the words tumbled out anyway. “You always had one here, Rem. I never stopped loving you.”

His smile washed away my fear and anger and hesitance. “I can help with the farm. Work it with Jules and your brothers. Restore it to how your Dad imagined it. We can do it together, Sassy. Rebuild over the bad memories and make new ones. Better ones.”

I slipped into his arms. “What sort of memories?”

“The best kind.”

“Me and you?”

“If you’ll have me,” he said.

“If you think I’m letting you get away from me this time…”

“Got some rope in the truck if you want to tie me down.”

I grinned, sneaking closer for a kiss. “I can do one better.”

“That so?”

“Oh, Remington Marshall…” I nibbled on his bottom lip. “I’m going to make it so good for you that I’ll be surprised if you could even walk, let alone escape me.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Sassy.” He winked. “Except down.”

“That a promise?”

“It’s a vow, if you’ll say yes.”

“Might need some convincing.”

Rem swept me into his arms and headed for the shed. I squealed, but he silenced me with a kiss. “I’ll prove how much I love you if I have to fuck you all day and night.”

“Think that’ll be enough?”

He kissed me again.

“It’s a start.”