I can't say this isn't partially my fault. I'm a charming motherfucker, but she put on a good front, acting like she could handle what I had to give.
Why the fuck would I want to settle with one woman? Why the fuck would I suddenly have the effort it takes to put forth. I don't. I don't want it. Not for her or any woman. What we have going is a good thing. Yeah I care about her, but I care about all my friends. Actually falling in love with her is the furthest thing from what this was. I just want to know why she thinks we should fuck this all up with figuring out our future. Our future is me fucking her senseless and her liking it. The end. We live happily ever after without having to commit.
I like options. I like opportunities. Why the goddamn fuck would I let all that go for a fucking girl!
I'm sick of having to lay low because of her, but I do because when I walked away, I saw how hurt she was. Stupid, stupid girl. I let her cool off a few days.
I should call her. Maybe say sorry. Ask her if we fuck will she feel better. But I actually can't stomach the thought of seeing that look on her face again. She'll get over it. I know she will, and that's why I'm distancing myself until I think it's safe.
I'm a little surprised I don't get any texts or calls. She has a hard time resisting me, but I'm sure she's punishing me for not doing this her way. How hard is it to accept friendship and great sex? Sounds like a goddamn win to me! Sounds like in the end no one gets caught up in emotions and feelings and confusion and everyone walks away thoroughly fucked and happy.
"Sup?" I answer Affton's call after my client walks away for a smoke break.
"You busy tonight? Come by for dinner? I want to talk to you."
I sigh. Hopefully she's finally giving me my job back. It's either that or her and Carter talked and Carter tattled on me, but I don’t think she’s that kind of girl. I'm really hoping it's my job. I can go over. Get my planes back. Get fucked. Leave happy.
"Yeah, what time?"
"Eight?" She sounds happy so I really don't think Carter's told her I was a dick to her.
"Want me to bring anything besides my sexy self?" I smirk, looking forward to tonight.
"Check your ego at the door please." She hangs up.
When I leave the shop, I go home for a shower. Knowing I wouldn't be seeing Carter for a few days, I haven't groomed, so I take my time in the shower to shave my balls. More than likely she's still upset; after all, I haven't received a text or call yet, so I actually take time to put effort into how I look. She's got good taste, obviously, she fell for me, so I need to remind her why she wants to let go of the stupid feelings of love and continue to use me for good sex like I've been her.
Looking good, beard trimmed, balls shaved, I smell good enough for her to eat me -her words in the past- I head to Tommy's.
The first person I see is Carter as she's setting the table. I walk up behind her, my hands sliding over her thick hips and my dick getting instantly hard.
"Hey, bad girl." I breathe her in as I push my lips to her neck.
She shoves out of my grasp and walks to the other side of the table. "How's it going, Grant?" Her eyes won't even look my way.
I chuckle and reach into my pocket, glancing around, pulling out our toy for tonight. I hold out my palm. "I brought you something." I smirk at her and glance around again, making sure we're still alone. I can bend her over the table real quick, lift her skirt and have this inside her through dinner so by the time we're done she'll be dripping for me.
My cock jumps.
Her eyebrows furrow and she reaches her hand out, pulling the jade egg from my grasp to inspect it. It's a funny story why I have this egg. It's my birthstone technically. Peridot or jade. So my grandmother, God rest her loco soul, had this jade stone that she said brought her good luck. When she gave it to me, I didn't know what it was, and I know the old woman didn't either. She just thought it was a stone. So did I, up until I became a kinky bastard and noticed my 'stone' was actually what's called a jade egg. I've never used the egg on anyone. It's been kind of special to me. I like to pretend it brings me luck like my bat shit crazy grandma said it would. Well, tonight I need some luck with Carter, so I brought it for her. Specifically for her pussy, but it's a nice peace offering.
"Hmm," she says, then her eyes finally hit mine and she slides it into her fucking pocket. "Thanks."
"Thanks?" I start circling toward her and she starts backing away. "Thanks? That's it?" As I move closer, she picks up the pace to get away. I always catch my prey. Snatching her wrist, I press her against the wall, rubbing my hard cock against her hip. "How about you bend that sexy ass over the table and let me taste what I've been missing." I drag my nose up her jaw and she exhales a shaky breath. She closes her eyes, slowly breathing in as her head finally gives a small shake.
"I'm good. Thanks," she whispers.
I bite my lip, not moving from keeping her pressed against me and the wall. Her head's down and turned away from me now. She's not good. Not at all. She's pissed. She's hurt. And she's going to play hard to get.
"You're not good, baby." I slide my finger down her chin, her neck, to her cleavage. "I've missed you, Carter Dawn." Softly nipping her flesh, I rock my hips again.
"Grant, I'm serious." She shoves me off her. "I need to finish setting the table." She moves to walk away from me, her eyes twirling with the lust/anger combo I used to crave.
"Carter," I say but she keeps walking toward the kitchen.
Fuck. I was hoping she'd be over the hurt part and just be onto the pissed off part. She's still hurt and that's worse. I don't like to see the hurt on her pretty face. I'm a dick, I know this, but she also pretended she knew all I had to offer was my dick. Why, all of a sudden, is sex not good enough for her? She said it was. She fucking told me it was. Played along with it. Now all of a sudden fucking feelings are ruining this.
I'm barely mentally present through dinner. Tommy and Affton have been chatterboxes and I can't stop watching Carter, noticing she's almost as gone as I am. I can't focus on much but the part comes where Affton gives me my job back and I do a good job of acting happy about it. It's not that I'm not, but I'm pissed Carter's hurt. I can deal with her pissed off, but her hurting because of me is brutal. Tonight's a night I should be proud that I've gotten my shit together in the matter of a couple months. I still occasionally drink, but I haven't been drunk since the night I wrecked my bike. I wasn't an alcoholic. I was addicted to the routine so it wasn't hard not drowning myself on the daily. Changing my routine's what's been hard, but my family knew what to do for me to get my shit together to prove myself, and I did it. I should be proud.
I'm not. I'm pissed I hurt my friend.
As I help clear the table, I follow her like I'm her fucking tail.
"Carter." I wrap my hand around her arm. "Talk to me," I urge quietly while we're in the kitchen.
"What do you want to talk about?" Her face is stone but her eyes blink rapidly as she glances down to where I'm holding her arm.
"I miss you, baby." I smirk and slide my thumb over her bottom lip. "You got plans after this? Maybe we can catch up." I wink at her, my grin set.
Her eyes widen briefly before that stone mask is back in place. "I actually do tonight. Sorry." She shrugs indifferently. "But it was good seeing you. You look good." She stops abruptly like she realized what she was saying. "I mean happy. You look happy. Congratulations on getting your job back, by the way." She's breathing deep and the longer we stand here the longer I see the look in her eyes change from stone back to that hurt, pitiful look she carried all throughout dinner.
I shake my head in confusion, actually shocked she's still carrying this out. "Carter." I grab her hips. "I'm sorry I hurt you or whatever, but don't throw away our good time for your crazy need to plan your future." I chuckle like she's naive.
The rage burns fury back into her eyes seconds before her hand cracks across my cheek.
"God forbid someone wants something more in their life than sex, Grant." She takes a step back and shakes out her hand. "God forbid someone actually have feelings for you." She turns to storm away.
I flex my jaw and rub the burn. It felt like she cold cocked me but it was an open handed slap. Affton's wide eyes when she walks into the kitchen verifies she heard it.
"What the hell was that?" she asks moving toward me. "Did she...just slap you?" She glances toward the stairs Carter just stormed up.
"No." I rub my jaw again. Abuse and Affton don't mix. More so than your average person. I don't want her pissed at Carter, and I don't want her pissed at me thinking I deserved this.
"Grant Matthews," she warns. "What'd you do to her?"
"Oh please." I scoff. "I didn't do anything she didn't want me to." I step toward the stairs but Affton grabs my shirt.
"Give it a rest tonight. Leave her alone, okay?" She straightens my shirt then frowns at what I know is a blazing red mark on my jaw.
"I'm fine," I insist and move away from her.
"So in a week I need you to pick up Eric Topey. He's my new textiles designer and you'll be getting to know him well." She grins in excitement.
I remember the name, I've met him, but I don't know who the hell he is and I actually don't give a fuck right now. I can't believe she fucking slapped me.
I rub my jaw again and nod.
I leave shortly after listening to Affton excitedly carry on about this Eric guy, but he's pretty important to her new line so I have to act excited. By the time I get home I'm fucking stewing. Laying in bed, I angrily grab my phone.
GRANT: You fucking hit me!
I fall asleep but get woken up by my phone buzzing on my chest. It's been an hour since I texted her and she's finally replying.
CARTER: I did. You were being a dick.
GRANT: Okay, I said sorry. Are you over it now? Take a ride over.
I don't get a response and when I wake in the morning I chuckle. Fuck her then. She'll get over this but apparently needs a little more time.
When I pick up Affton's new infatuation because he's apparently a textiles god, I recognize the guy immediately. He was hitting on Carter at a party Affton threw.
"So where ya staying? Need me to take you to your hotel?" I ask him while opening the car door for him. We landed forty minutes ago, but I took my time 'cause he's been sick from the flight.
"Oh no, you can take me straight to Affton's. I'll be staying there this week."
My brows raise. "You will, huh?" I chuckle and slam the back door when he gets in. "It's a big house," I mumble to myself. They better not let the fucker in my room! "How long you in town for, man?" I ask after getting in.
"Like I said. A week." He furrows his brows at me and shakes his head, pulling out his phone.
I realize he told me that but I stopped listening after he said he'd be staying at Affton's.
"Sorry, wasn't listening." I turn up the music for the five minute ride to the house.
We get out of the car and when we walk through the front door, Carter lowers her tablet and smiles. I grin, missing that fucking smile. Thank god she's fucking over this. Before I approach her, she heads for Eric and I reel back. That fucking smile was for this douche? What the fuck!
"It's so good to see you again." She practically croons, wrapping her arms around him.
He brings her in for a tight hug and if I'm not mistaken, he takes a pretty good whiff of her hair. "I know. It feels like forever since Germany." He smiles down at her.
"Yeah." She giggles then nods to his bag. "Come on, I'll show you where you're staying."
Since Germany? She fucked this idiot in Germany? I was fucking her before and after Germany. She went to Germany and fucking fucked him! I open my mouth but before I can say anything, she takes him through the kitchen. The only goddamn room you can get to through the kitchen is the one upstairs in her loft. He's staying with her upstairs? I look around, ready to go off, but I'm alone.
Jumping on my bike, I tug my phone out of my pocket.
GRANT: It's laughable you're blowing me off for this fucking guy. Good girls and good boys probably belong together though.
I take off toward the shop and get a chill. I can't believe I fucking sent that load of jealous bullshit. I storm into the shop and both Chase and Tommy step out of their rooms with furrowed brows.
"The hell you doin' here, Matthews?" Chase walks over to the calendar. "You don't work for three more days."
"I didn't fucking know I could only show up when I fucking work. Fuck you then." I storm out the front door, kicking up dirt and scooping up a rock. Before I launch it, I think about how fucking stupid that would be and I toss it down, feeling like I'm losing my shit.
I don't like this shit. Jealousy, the feeling of being hurt. Fuck this.
Tommy walks out the front door and I look over like a pathetic idiot.
"How about we grab a drink," he says. "Well. I'll grab a drink. It looks like you don't necessarily need that added in to whatever..." He waves in front of me. "This is." He starts walking across the street to the bar like I'm going to follow.
When he walks through the door of Willies I huff and jog across the street. Maybe sitting down with Tommy will help me get my shit together. I plop onto the stool next to him and Willie immediately puts a tall glass of whiskey in front of me. I've told this asshole countless times since I've stopped drinking that I'm not drinking like that anymore. I slide it over to Tommy.
"I picked up Eric," I grumble out and reach over the bar into the ice and pull out the first bottle I feel. Hard cider. Great. Let's get fucking dainty.
"Oh good. Affton's excited for him to be here." He takes a swig of his beer and lets us sit in silence until I can't take it any longer.
"So is Carter. Why's it cool she's fucking Affton's textiles guy, but it's not cool if I'm fucking her?" I bark at him like he's been the one with the issue of me fucking Carter, but it was Affton with the issue. And she fucking knew why. Carter would fucking fall in love. Stupid ass women.
He laughs, shaking his head and turning on his stool. "Man, you know I never cared what you or her did. Wasn't it all fun and games? Ain't that what you said? Friends that fuck, right?"
"Yeah." I slap my hand to the bar. "That's exactly what it was." I gulp down the cider and gag, covering my mouth. "Fuck." I grunt pushing the bottle forward then shudder. "Gross as fuck."
"So then why exactly do you care who she's fucking?" He glances around the room at the small crowd. "Hey, there's Stacey." He nods. "Maybe you should take her home tonight. Didn't she used to be one of your favorites?"
I cringe over at Stacey. I remember her triple nipple piercings but Carter's pink nipples invade my thoughts and I shake my head.
"I care 'cause she ain't fuckin' me anymore. She's pissed the fuck off because I don't want to be in a relationship with her, so now she's fucking this textiles dude who I could crush with the back of my knee."
He chuckles and spins back to the bar, grabbing his beer. "So she wanted more and you bolted?" He nods. "Can you blame her? Why stick around for a guy who's not what she wanted?"
I gasp. I actually fucking gasp. Mouth hanging open and all. I'm fucking offended. And upon realizing this I want to hurl myself off a cliff.
"How dare you," I joke and try to laugh it off because he definitely caught my gasp and his brows are practically in his hair right now. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I check for a response to my jealous text, but there isn't one. "Dude, we had good sex, ya know?" I try to play it cool. "Kinda sucks I gotta go back to the old shit." My fingers flick my phone forward while I try to keep this anger and jealousy bottled up.
"Let me get this straight." Tommy finishes his beer, turns towards me, and clears his throat. His eyes narrow on mine. "You and Carter have been at this for months now. You've done shit with her you've never done with anyone else. Hell, Grant, you haven't even fucked another chick since you started whatever the fuck you were doing with Carter." He pauses and I make a move to defend myself but he cuts me off. "And to make it even worse, I watched the way you treated that girl. Like she was the fucking sun. I don't blame the girl, honestly. Let me guess, she opened up to you and you were a mega douche? So she's trying to move on and you're pissed because...why?"
Because...reasons I can't figure out.
"Because I haven't had sex in a few days," I meekly reply, figuring that's a typical response for me. Tommy's my best fucking friend. If anyone can help me figure this shit out, it's him, but I don't want to fucking figure it out. I want to go back to what we had.
"That's not Carter's fault." He shrugs. "The room's full of girls you could take home and fuck. I don't believe for a second this is about sex." His head shakes. "Look, I live with the girl. Whatever happened between you two changed her but she's not talking. I can guess from the look on your face that I'm right but it makes no sense you're mad at her about it. Find another pussy. Didn't that used to be your motto?"
"Maybe it's not just about pussy," I begrudgingly admit. "She's my friend. I'm losing a friend. And to go back to your pussy ass comment I treated her like the sun. She's my friend. I was nice to her like I am to all my friends." Fuck. Sometimes I forget I'm a grown man and have been out of high school for over a decade.
He barks out a laugh and sighs. "Man, I'm your damn friend and you've never taken me to the waterfall." He lifts an eyebrow. "Grant, how many girls have you fucked in the last couple months other than Carter?" He pauses. "Affton doesn't count," he blurts and I slowly grin.
Numbers keep flying into my head. I need to just lie. Not like he'll check up on me.
"Twenty...negative. Negative twenty," I start rambling like he's got a spell on me. I can't lie to the fucking guy. "Carter's pussy is good enough. I haven't needed to get any other." I shrug like it's no big deal.
He watches me squirm under his glare.
"And yet you told her you won't do commitment? Why, again, is that?"
I look at him like he just puked on me. "Why the fuck would I commit to her? That's your gig, dude. You're okay with being locked down. I'm not going to pass up opportunities elsewhere because of some chick. Why the fuck would I change my routine for this girl?" I scoff.
"Damn." He chuckles. "You're mighty pretty sometimes, but there's not many brain cells in there are there?" He knocks on my head, laughing. "You're a fucking idiot, you know that?"
I nod in agreement, no sense in arguing that. But I'm not an idiot because I won't commit to her. That makes me not an idiot...somehow.
"Grant, do you understand what you've been doing the last couple months is exactly what people in a committed relationship do? They go on dates. They fuck. They share things with each other. They trust..." He sighs. "Somehow, your dumb ass put yourself in this relationship unknowingly committing to one girl. And she fucking fell hard. Then the minute you realize someone may actually love you for who you are and not want to change you you bolt." He scoffs. "Honestly I'm not sure what made her fall as hard as she did. You were a mega dick to her, dude."
"Same reason you fell for me, buttercup." I stand from my stool and kiss his cheek before grabbing the cider and downing the rest. I shiver in disgust, not sure why I just did that. "And she does want to change me. I don't want to be in a relationship. She wants me in a relationship. I don't want to have a girlfriend. She wants to be my girlfriend. That's changing me."
"You're already that man, Grant. You have been ever since she walked into this town. How the hell are you not seeing this?" He glances around. "You're sitting here, pathetic over a girl you claim to have no feelings for, rather than taking your pick of the meat you haven't touched in months." He waves around the bar. "She'll move on without you before you get your head out of your ass, Grant. I can promise you that." He finishes his beer and stands. "Don't be a dumbass, dumbass."
"I know where your remote is," I bark at him before marching toward Stacey. "You, my cock, your mouth." I thumb toward the door and she slides off the stool like the whore she is. Except she's actually a whore. Fuck. I don't want a whore like this, but Tommy's right. Carter's gonna move on 'cause she's a weirdo and needs to be in a committed relationship.
I lay in the dark staring at my ceiling like a useless sack of shit.
Grabbing my phone, I pull up our texts. She never responded to my jealous text.
GRANT: That egg's good luck. I used to keep it in my pocket when I was younger. Never failed me.
She never responds.
***
After a week of getting my head on straight, realizing I'm not changing shit for her, I head to Tommy's for dinner. I walk through the door with two bottles of tequila and Affton furrows her brows.
"I know you said not to bring anything, but I'm hoping for some awesome choices tonight." I hold up the bottles and kiss her cheek. Walking into the dining room, I see Eric's still here. I'm not sure why I thought he'd be gone. He said a week. It's been six days. I never flew him out of here, but I stopped thinking about the douche. "Heeeey." I chuckle, landing the bottles on the table and my eyes lock on Carter, accidentally falling to her tits, but they keep going back to her pretty eyes.
"Eric, I left my phone upstairs. Could you go grab it for me?" She pats his thigh and I grit my teeth that she's touching him.
"Sure thing." He smiles at her, staring into those eyes for a moment too long before standing and heading to her loft.
"Don't you look cute?" I sit across from her, leaning my elbows onto the table. "Nice and rested. Probably not much to do with such a boring dullard, huh?"
"Grant," she whispers, then sighs and stands, walking over to me but staying far enough away to consider herself safe. "Please don't. Not tonight. I didn't know you were coming, and honestly I probably wouldn't be here right now if I knew you were. But it's Eric's last night here and we're trying..." She curses and sighs. "Just please, for once in your life, act like an adult and don't embarrass yourself."
I bark out a laugh. "You're such a confused little girl, Carter Dawn. I'm never embarrassed of myself. It's you that's embarrassed of me. But yet you still wrapped those pretty little lips around my cock so tight you deprived yourself of oxygen enough to think it's a good idea to move onto this guy."
"This guy is good to me," she hisses quietly, fury burning in those beautiful goddamned eyes. "He's nice. I trust him. And he cares about his future." Her jaw sets as she glares at me.
I laugh again. "I wasn't bad to you. I just wouldn't play your stupid game. I'm glad he cares about his future. I hope his 401k and pensions are nice and neat. I'm sure when you get married there'll be a prenup, because his future matters. Then you can move onto more pressing matters like getting rid of your pig so you can squirt out some kids for him. 'Cause I'm sure that's in his future. Fuck living in the moment, Carter Dawn," I belt out. "You were more fun when you took things day by day."
Her eyes gloss over and she lets out a growl, screaming a curse word or two then storming to the bathroom, slamming the door hard behind her.
"Hey, hey." Affton blows into the room. "What the hell is happening? Grant Fucking Matthews, why?" she snaps at me.
"Why what?" I mutter, sickness filling my gut. Carter was in tears. I move around Affton and head down the hall. Rolling my eyes, I lean against the door frame and gently knock, clearing my throat. "Carter," I softly call her name.
"Please just go away, Grant," she whispers, then I hear a sniffle and I bang my forehead against the molding.
"Uh, no." I clear my throat again. My palms are starting to sweat. "I can't do that. Can you open the door please?" I glance down the hall; no one's coming yet.
"Grant, please." I hear her blow her nose. "Please go home."
"Open the door and I'll go home." I rub my forehead, feeling completely confused right about now. I care she's in tears because even if I'm not her friend, she's still mine and I made her cry.
The door swings open and eyes blotted with black makeup meet mine, the tip of her nose is red and where I assumed would be fury burning in those eyes, it's just pain. And sadness.
"Happy?" she whispers, "You got your point across. Please don't ruin tonight any more than you have."
I step inside the bathroom and kick the door shut. Grabbing her face, I kiss her forehead, completely miserable. No ounce of happiness in me for making her cry.
"Baby, I'm a wolf. Don't listen to me." I pull her against my chest and wrap my arms around her. "I'm sorry, okay? Don't cry over assholes. I'm gonna go home now." I grab her face and step back, softly rubbing my thumbs over her cheeks. "If he breaks your heart, I'll beat his ass." I smirk, hating those words just came from me. But she's going to move on. And I'm not going to change.
Her face twists and her hands moves to mine, pushing them off her. She shakes her head as the tears start again. "He won't. He's not a wolf," her pained tone whispers out.
He's not a wolf. That's why he's not good enough for her. But he's also not an asshole, and that's why he is.
"Exactly." I force a grin. "Stay away from wolves." I reach back for the door handle. This expression could bring me to my knees and I need to get the fuck out of this house.
I don't say anything to Tommy or Affton as I walk out the door. My heart's hammering my entire ride home. Alcohol used to kill anxiety. Then it became Carter. Now all I got is empty space and memories. I gotta stay true to myself. I can't change just because she wants me to. It's not even for the better. How does monogamy make me a better man? It doesn't. It limits my future.