This is my new life. Alone, un-showered, and three...maybe four weeks into a long distance relationship with a really nice guy. Or has it been five weeks? Shit, I've lost track of time. Everything's blurred together since Grant used his claws to shred my heart. I'm sitting here on a video call with Eric, my fingers resting on a man's name tattooed on my arm. That man being the reason my heart is still lying on the floor in pieces, but yet I'm pasting on a happy smile that fools everyone around me.
I'm miserable. But I'll get over it. At least that's what my brother told me. I called him a few days ago. I needed someone to talk to, but the minute he answered I didn't have the stomach to tell him the details. So all that came out was 'it's over' in a pained whisper because my throat was so tight I could barely talk. I'm sure my little brother doesn't want to hear about the details of my love failures. What twenty-one year old guy would?
"I'll be in town next week." Eric smiles and I nod. He's so nice. So, so nice. He treats me well, says the right things. He's the epitome of the perfect boyfriend and I truly believe that given enough time I could probably fall in love with him.
"That's exciting. I miss you." The correct words roll off my tongue and I glance out the window, watching Tommy play with the goats and Tink. I can't bring myself to leave the house. I barely leave my loft over fear that I'll run into Grant.
"I miss you too, Carter." He sighs and I know I need to end this call. It's been a month but Eric is dead set on us being able to see each other more than once a month.
Me? I'm okay with this arrangement. For now, at least. He didn't question the night of his first trip here when Grant ruined everything. I played it off as a stomach bug and instead of being mad that I ruined whatever plans we had, he drove the half hour to the store to get all the ingredients he needed for his grandma's famous chicken noodle soup and doted on me hand and foot until he flew out the next day. He didn't even complain when he had to buy a last minute plane ticket because Grant suddenly couldn't fly him out as it was planned.
Like I said. He's a good guy.
"Me too." My fingers trace the tattoo on my arm, a habit I've adapted over the last month and most days I don't even realize how much I do it until Affton's around and stops me. "I have to get back to work." I smile at him and notice the look on his face fall a bit. "I'm sorry." I scrunch my nose, giggling. "I can call later?"
"Yeah, absolutely." He smiles and ends the call and I groan, lying back on my bed.
I'm not depressed. I can do this. I can move on from Grant Matthews because...well because I don't have a choice. He made it perfectly clear he didn't want me like that. I was a warm hole for him, that's all. I have a kickass job, an awesome loft, and a best friend others would die to have. I fucking hate living here, though. Because everywhere I turn once I leave my personal space reminds me of him.
But I'll be fine.
I head to my kitchen and glance in the fridge. I haven't been to the store in a week so all my healthy munchies are gone. I could devour that jar of peanut butter right about now, but I'm trying to watch it. I can't let myself go, not with Eric. He's never mentioned anything about the whole weight thing, but he's fit, good looking, and runs with a crowd that resembles that lifestyle. Plus he posts gym selfies on the daily. I don't want to embarrass him. It was different with Grant. It actually never made sense to me, because if anything, Grant's in better shape than Eric is, but Grant was very verbal about loving every curve on my body. He made me feel like I was enough. He made me feel sexy. Not that Eric doesn't. Well he hasn't yet. He's said I'm beautiful, but he hasn't commented on liking my body, or complimented my outfits like Grant used to. But in Eric's defense, we don't see each other in person.
Trudging down the steps, I try to sneak into the kitchen without anyone hearing me. I haven't talked much to Affton about what happened. I think she's happy I'm with Eric but I see the way she looks at me. Like when we're deep into work, focused on shit for the new line and trying to keep a few of the other smaller lines up and running...when she thinks I'm focused but I'm just sitting there daydreaming. She's watching me with pity in her eyes.
"Holy shit, she emerges." Tommy chuckles and my eyes fly to him, sitting at the table.
"Shouldn't you be at work?" I head straight for the fridge, praying there's carrots or something. And a fuck ton of ranch dressing.
"Uh...It's Sunday, Carter."
"Oh yeah," I mumble. "Sorry." There aren't carrots. There's brownies. A few beers. Lots of meat and cheese shit, but no carrots. "You guys don't keep vegetables here?" I slam the fridge shut and head to the pantry. I'm so damn hungry.
"Need to do some shopping," Tommy mumbles. I can feel his eyes on me as I raid his pantry.
"Cool. Thanks." I mutter, snagging a bag of chips. Fuck it.
"How ya been? I feel like we don't see you anymore." He leans back in the chair while I dig into this bag of chips like they're my last meal.
"I'm fine," I say with a full mouth. "So fine. Happy. Not really healthy but whatever." I shrug, shoving another handful of chips in my mouth. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I'm not looking at you like anything." He chuckles. "Just making sure you're still happy here." He knocks on the table before standing up and stretching. "Beany would be pretty down if you left and the vibe I'm getting from you lately tells me you've been up there researching apartments back home."
"Nah, I can't afford my own apartment back home and my brothers already found another roommate." But I can't lie and say I haven't looked. It'd be so much easier not having to stay locked away in fear of running into the one man who has the power to crush me with one look.
"Good," he says, nodding. "You got plans tonight? Maybe the three of us can hit a movie or something?"
"I'm okay." I smile. "But thanks." I grip the bag of chips and hold them up, wiggling my eyebrows and laughing. "I got big plans." I head to the living room, ready to flip through Netflix until I'm bored enough to go upstairs and go to bed.
"I still can't find the damn remote." Walking into the room and handing me his phone, Tommy grumbles about Grant, blaming him and my cheeks redden.
I miss those games he used to play...
"It's fine. I downloaded the app on my phone, I'll go grab it so you don't have to leave yours with me." I head upstairs, two at a time because if I'm going to be sitting around eating junk food I should at least get a tiny bit of exercise.
Grabbing my phone, I glance at the screen and see a message from Eric.
ERIC: You looked out of it earlier. You sure you're ok?
I smile, because he really is sweet and caring. I deserve a guy that cares.
CARTER: I'm just tired. I haven't slept good lately, that's all <3
His reply comes immediately.
ERIC: My mom used to give me warm milk when I was younger and couldn't sleep.
ERIC: LOL, I'm not a child, I swear. But it used to work.
ERIC: OMG don't make fun of me for this. I can sense you making fun of me for this.
I let out a real laugh, shaking my head.
CARTER: You're adorable. Thank you, I'll try it.
I let out a long breath and grip my phone tight against my chest. He's nice and he's so fucking good to me.
I hop on the couch when I get to the living room and pull up the app to turn on my show. I’m trying not to think about the reason we don't have a remote anymore, but it’s making my emotions go insane. The more I think about it, the more I should just order them a replacement.
I plug my headphones into my phone because no one else in this house wants to watch this show and Affton's deep in the work zone so I don't want to bother her. I'm not sure if she ever takes a day off, but I do. Lots lately. And I go to 'work' in my pajamas. Never in my life have I considered not wearing designer clothes to work, but no one around here cares so why should I? I mean...I've been like this for a couple days and I thought it was Thursday earlier when talking to Tommy. I'm not claiming to have my shit together today. Or tomorrow even.
Halfway through my show I have to pee and instead of going upstairs to mine, I head towards the one down the hall. When I hear his voice coming out of Affton's office I freeze. Stuck in my spot, unable to move for fear of my knees giving out.
God, I hate that I still crave his voice.
"Do you have me on that stupid house speaker thing?" Grant groans and my eyes fly open.
"Yes, but no one's home. Relax. I was calling because Tommy said you're acting depressed and I noticed you seemed off the other day."
I'm home! I'm fucking here and I don't want to be in the middle of this...but now I can't walk away. I want to hear his voice. I want to hear the pain. I want him to be more miserable than I am.
My eyes flash to a mirror in the hallway that gives me a slight glance of Affton and I back away so she can't see me in it. Something tells me if she saw me the conversation would be over.
"Mmm," Grant's lackluster response is no surprise. It's not like the man cares about much in his life.
Fuck, I know that's a lie. I know he fucking cared about me. You don't look that defeated when you break up with someone if you didn't care for them.
"Mmm what? What's wrong with you? Did something happen?" Affton's multi-tasking but keeps looking toward the speakers.
"Yeah. Carter Dawn happened. She's a goddamn nightmare."
Oh fuck you, Grant Matthews! I'm glitter shits and sunshine compared to your dumb ass.
"Grant Matthews!" Affton squawks. "I knew it! I knew you pissed her off more than she keeps letting on. What the hell did you do? Grant, she's my best friend! What the hell's wrong with you? You're a grown man, can't you act like it and just ignore the girl if you don't like her? Also, what the fuck is wrong with you! You were sleeping with her!"
"Calm down, Betty. I—"
"Who's Betty?" she snaps and I try not to grin because she's as exasperated as I am with him which tells me I'm not the only one around here that saw those feelings he swears he never felt for me.
"I don't know. Probably some uppity chick that would lose her shit for no reason like you are. Anyway! I do like her. And...yeah."
"And yeah? Hang on, Tommy's texting me." Affton leans into the computer screen. "Oh...oh, Grant." She sighs after reading Tommy's text. "I told Tommy I would call you and he just told me what's going on."
"What's going on?" he snaps.
"You're upset she moved on."
I close my eyes, shaking my head. I didn't have a choice. It was try to move on or continue to have my heart crushed!
"False. I'm upset she won't sleep with me anymore," he counters and I roll my eyes, not allowing myself the tears that threaten when he gets this way. This is why I'm ignoring him. This is why I don't reply to his messages. Because he has too much power over me and the man doesn't even recognize it.
"Grant." Affton groans. The man's exhausting. I know how she feels. "I don't understand what the big deal is? Why can't you just commit? You haven't slept with anyone since her. I don't count. And that's huge! Monumental! You've had one steady partner for a few months. When's the last time you did that?"
"Seventh grade when me and my hand were kind of close. I cheated."
"Grant, you're insane. I have no idea what she even saw in you."
"Yeah. Me either. Why do women always want to complicate shit with love and labels? I'm Grant Matthews. I don't need to put a fucking label on the chick I'm fucking other than my whore."
"Grant," she growls and he chuckles.
"I'm kidding. I liked her, Affy, but she went and ruined it by needing to call us boyfriend and girlfriend."
"You were. You screwed her exclusively. You took her out on dates. You even bought her meals and stuff." She taps her nails on the desk, sounding as annoyed with him as I am.
"Yeah, and? Why do we have to throw away our future happiness by saying we're exclusive. If opportunity presented itself that some chick wanted to bang me, I couldn't do that if I was in an exclusive relationship."
"That opportunity has presented itself and you didn't take them up on it. So...I don't get it."
"I'm not into girlfriends. She'll want to move in together. She'll call me lame ass names like sweetie. She'll ask me to take the trash out. She'll call to say she's running late from work but really she's with her coworker at Willies blowing him behind the dumpster and forget to pick up her kid from school and he'll walk home and get bit by a rattlesnake and almost die before Mr. Kenshaw finds him and then she won't show up at the hospital and it'll just be the kid and Mr. Barns. And then Mr. Barns will try to move the kid into his house but then she'll throw a huge fucking fit and act like she's a fit mother and ain't no one takin' her babies!" He mocks a female southern twang. "Then she'll forget the kid even exists a week later again and he'll be back at Mr. Barns sneaking food 'cause he's starving."
My non-existent heart breaks somehow at the mention of his past. I knew it was rough...but I never knew it was that rough. And as much as it doesn't make sense, it somehow makes sense that Grant has all these hang-ups because of the way he grew up.
"You want to have kids with Carter?" she blurts loudly and my stomach sinks.
"What?"
"What?" she repeats him. I can see in the mirror her eyes are bugging out of her head and I'm sure my facial expression mimics it.
"I don't know...ain't that what you're supposed to do when you get into a relationship?" Grant mumbles and the dull pain that planted in my chest when he left roars back to life. I let myself stand here and picture what a house full of tiny Grants running around would be like and a tear slips down my cheek, because I know I'll never have it.
"Okay...I'm pretty sure that was what your mom did with every man she was in a relationship with. I'm ninety nine point nine, nine percent certain your mom and Carter have nothing in common. And I'm ninety nine point nine, nine percent certain you're scared." Her voice softens. "The things your mom did, Grant, that does not usually happen. You can't be afraid of being loved because your mom..." She sighs. "Because your mom was never really capable of loving someone. Including you. God, no offense, but your mom sucked. Carter does not suck."
He giggles. Of course he'd take those words out of context. I even find myself grinning at the stupid words and roll my eyes.
"Stop. Can't you stay on track?"
"I'm on track. The single track. I want to stay single and get my dick sucked occasionally. I'm not trying to change my routine up, Affy. I'm sorry."
"I think you'll be sorry. I am in no position to give anyone advice except when it comes to love. I followed my heart and it was terrifying. You know how scared I was, but I was in love and I trusted that love. And I trusted Tommy. I have never been happier in my life."
"You're rich," he mumbles.
"You are too now that you have your job back. Rich, single, sad, and soon to catch an STD."
"I've managed okay this far." He snickers.
"What about—"
"Bye, Affton." The speaker clicks off and I blink past the tears and anger.
I want to talk to Affton. I want to cry to her how much it hurts that he can't see what we had was perfect. But I don't. I don't, because I was the stupid girl that fell in love with a wolf. He warned me. I just refused to listen.
With my phone clutched in my hands, I trudge back upstairs and pray tomorrow comes soon. Every day here that I'm not crying is another day closer to being over Grant Matthews. Curling under the covers, I close my eyes, praying for the day it doesn't hurt this much to hear the man's voice.
I wake up the next day to my phone buzzing on my nightstand. Blindly reaching for it, I answer the call and roll over.
"Hello?" God, I probably sound horrible right now!
"Carter? Are you sick?" Eric's voice comes softly through the phone and I manage to shift up to glance at the clock. Noon? It's Noon?
"Fuck," I groan. "No, I overslept." I rub my eyes. I should be rushing to get downstairs. Affton had a call this morning that she wanted me to take notes and I've already missed that. Why the hell didn't she wake me up?
"I was just calling to see how you were doing. I guess you finally caught up on your sleep." He sounds like he's smiling so big and I can't help but break out a small grin.
Eric doesn't know what I'm going through. I figured since he has to deal with Grant every time he flies here that I shouldn't bother him with those details. No need for me to make everyone else around me feel as awkward as I do every time I step foot on his plane.
"Yeah, I did." I sigh and stretch, walking to the window to see the animals in the backyard playing.
"Did you do the milk trick?" Eric's voice sounds so hopeful that once I remember what he's talking about, I don't have the heart to tell him that no, I didn't.
"Yeah, thank you." I head for the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror, cringing. Hot. Fucking. Mess.
"Good, that's awesome. I'm glad it worked." I can hear that smile still in his voice and wonder if he ever stops smiling. "Hey, can we video?"
"Sure thing." I click the video button and prop my phone on the counter then go to pull my hair back and try to make myself presentable for the day.
"Hey there," He croons and I shake my head.
"I look scary as hell." I laugh. "I need a shower but I'm already late."
"You look fine." He sighs. "Hey, Carter?"
"Yeah?" I pause and look down at him for the first time since we started this call. He's in his business attire. His hair fixed. Not looking one bit like he just rolled out of bed. Because he's responsible and I'm pulling the pieces of my broken heart back together.
I truly hope Eric can help me...
"Tell me about that tattoo."
I glance down at my forearm and my heart rate picks up.
"What about it?" I blurt, my fingers going into defense mode as they cover it.
"Why's Grant's name on your arm?" He pauses then shakes his head and chuckles. "I'm sorry. I just...I really like you, Carter. And my girlfriend having another guy's name on her arm is kind of unnerving. Is there something I should know?"
"No," I blurt too fast and his eyebrows raise. "I mean, it was a drunken night. Affton and Tommy have one too." I chuckle nervously. I'm not lying.
"Maybe you should get it filled in? Yeah?"
Filled in? Like...erase Grant?
"Oh...um..." If I ever want to truly try and move on from the man, maybe he's right. "I mean, yeah. Sure."
"I'm just saying, if we're going to get serious I don't want my girlfriend walking around with another guy's name on her. That's all."
My fingers trace Grant's name and I nod slowly. "Yeah. You're right," I whisper. "I'll make the appointment," I mutter. I don't want to do it but he's got a very valid point. Wearing the name of the guy that crushed you is kind of like begging for more heartache.
"Good. I mean, I think I like the man. He's..." He laughs. "Something. He's something else." He shakes his head. "I can't tell if he loves or hates me."
"He doesn't love anyone, don't take it personally." I puff out a breath and stare at myself in the mirror.
I need out of the fucking country.
"Hey, I'm going to head out maybe get some work done. Call later?" I furrow my brows as I look at myself in the mirror. Who the hell is this girl?
"I wanted to talk to you about something so don't forget, okay?"
"Yeah, awesome." I smile at him. "Have a great day!" I chirp, not like myself but I feel suddenly guilty about the tattoo and he's right. It's weird.
I end the call and pull up Chase's phone number.
"Disposable Ink, Chase here."
"Chase. Do you have an opening today?" My heart's hammering and screaming at me that this is a terrible idea, but I let my heart lead once before and it got ruined. This time it's time to use my brain.
"Who is this?"
"Carter Dawn." I roll my eyes.
"Ah, should have known. Not many country girls around here have that valley girl tone." He chuckles. "What can I do for ya?"
"I need a fill in. Solid black."
"Oh yeah?" He pauses and lets the line fall silent. "What are we filling in?"
"An airplane." I close my eyes, shaking my head because my chest aches and my fingers must be on the same page because as I sit here they cover the plane and Grant's name like they can protect it.
"Ah. I remember..." He sighs heavy. "Looks like I don't have an appointment until next week. Monday at two. That okay?"
"Yeah. Put me in. Thanks so much, Chase."
"I'll see you next week." He hangs up and I sigh, falling to my bed. If I'm going to move on, I need to erase the man completely from my life.
It took me another hour of debating on whether or not I was working today, but once I walked into Affton's office, all self-pity was gone. She had fabric everywhere and the decision making began. I was thrown into work mode and spent eight hours not worrying about how to move on.
Maybe this is what I need. More work. More to do. Less time to think. So that's what I do. I spend the next four days working my ass off for Affton and in the meantime searching apartments in the neighborhood my dad lives in. I don't want to leave Affton, and I hope she still lets me be her assistant when I'm long distance working for her. It's doable. I don't need to live here to work for her. But I need out.
My phone rings before I'm dropping into bed for the night and I groan. Me and Eric have talked on and off the past few days, but I haven't had a decent conversation with him in awhile.
"Hey," I answer, grinning. "Hiiiii...."
"I was starting to think you were ignoring me." He sounds sad. I don't like making him sad!
"I'm sorry. We got so busy I've barely slept. We're eating and breathing all things Beany designs. It's been so insane."
"I know." He chuckles. "I've been seeing some of the prototypes coming out of Affton the last couple days and I figured you two were swamped. When she gets into the zone there's no stopping her."
"It's amazing watching her work," I agree. "I'm really sorry I haven't had much time for us, Eric."
"You can make it up to me. I'll be in town in a couple days."
"Yay!" I chirp. "God, that'll be nice."
"Yeah it will." He clears his throat. "Listen, I don't have long but I wanted to run something by you."
"Okay," I say, shifting in bed.
"Do you um..." He chuckles. "I mean, you've said a few times how you don't really like it in the south." He nervously laughs and my grip on the phone tightens because I think I know where he's going. "I was thinking maybe if you think it's too expensive moving back to Cali...well...maybe you could just move in with me?"
I gasp, shaking my head. "Eric," I stammer. I do want out of the country. And...he's right. I can't afford to live on my own back home. "Eric, we haven't been dating that long."
"We talk almost every day, Carter. And if it doesn't work out, no hard feelings. But I really like you and I don't know. Call me crazy, but I think it could be perfect."
I nod, thinking over everything that would have to change. "Can I think about it?" I whisper.
"Absolutely. I'll call you tomorrow and we can talk more about it, okay?"
"Sure. Yeah. Thank you." I smile. "Seriously, thank you."
"Don't thank me. It's purely for selfish reasons." He chuckles. "I gotta go. I'll talk to you later, sleep amazing, Carter."
"You too." I end the call and stare at my phone.
Move in with him. Could I?
By the next morning I've slept a total of about three hours, worrying all night about what to tell Eric today. I'm tired as fuck and am out of coffee in my kitchen, so I trudge down the stairs, growling at the sunlight that's blaring in through the kitchen windows. Coffee. I need fucking coffee.
A noise behind me makes the scoop of coffee I was about to put in the pot go flying all over the counter when I jump and shriek. "Shit!" I spin, my heart already beating out of my chest now mixed with a feeling in my gut I don't like. "What are you doing here?" I whisper, trying to pry my eyes off him.
The man brings a sexual energy with him everywhere he goes and he doesn't even try. Pisses me the fuck off the way my pussy still thinks it belongs to him. No! It fucking does not!
"Same as you." Grant gestures to me with cold pizza.
"No. I live here. You don't live here." God, if I didn't live here I wouldn't have to put up with seeing him like this. Randomly. Looking fine as fuck and not giving a damn about the heart he shattered. I turn to finish making my coffee then silently clean up the grounds I spilled, praying he took the hint and walked away.
Obviously he didn't.
"You look hot." He plops into a chair, taking another bite of pizza. "I like this look. Rolled out of bed. Sexy bedhead. Shorts creepin' up your ass. Mornin' side tit. Hot." He's flailing that pizza like it's a finger pointing at me. "Wanna fuck?"
"No I don't want to fuck!" I shriek, adjusting my clothes and smoothing my hair down. God, I hate that I care, but I do. "I didn't expect someone that doesn't live here to be in the kitchen when I came down, and I wouldn't have come down had I had coffee upstairs. But I need coffee because I haven't slept in what feels like forever and I'm out because I haven't grocery shopped in that long either." I stop and take a breath, my fists tight at my side. I glare at him with so many emotions rolling through me I want to vomit.
"All you had to do was call. Or even text. I woulda picked you up some coffee." He stands and tosses the crust into the garbage. "Groceries too if you need some. You want to go shopping?"
"I don't want or need anything from you," I manage to whisper.
The sweet side of Grant must have taken over this morning when he rolled his dumb ass out of bed. This is the worst side of him, too. I can take the wolf. I fell for the wolf. It's the sweet side that's a lie, though. It makes you think he actually cares.
But he doesn't.
His head cocks and a smile starts to pull up his lip on the right side of his mouth. "Nothin'?" He steps toward me.
"Nothing." I hold my ground as he takes another step closer. The coffee pot finishes and dings that it's ready and I sigh, stepping toward the fridge for the creamer. "Would you like a cup of coffee?"
He pushes the fridge door closed before I can grab the creamer then moves close enough he's pressed against my back. His hands start to gather my hair, twisting it around his fingers. "I don't want coffee, baby. You know what I want." His breath is hot on the back of my neck.
If he reached between my legs right now I'm sure he'd find me wet. I fucking know it, because any time this side of him comes out my body reacts the way my heart wants it to. Not my mind. But I can't play these games with him.
"I have a boyfriend," I whisper, my body trembling. "Grant, please. Don't do this."
He's on the other side of the kitchen like I just put a moat between us. "You labeled yourself." He laughs with a shake of his head. "See where that gets you, Carter Dawn?" His teeth scrape over his bottom lip and I don't know if that's anger on his face or restraint.
"I'm..." I shake my head. "Don't worry about me. Same as before." My shaking hands reach into the fridge for the creamer and I try my hardest not to spill the coffee as I add it to my cup. That look on his face. I don't like making him look like that, but he...he has no right to be mad or hurt about this! "Have a good day," I mutter, moving toward the stairs.
I've made it a point over the last few weeks that any time I saw his bike in the driveway I would lock myself upstairs, not coming down for anything. I've been okay... But I can't keep running into him like this. I know what I need to tell Eric.
When he grunts a crashing noise makes me jump and I whip around in time to see a cupboard door fall off the hinges after he just punched it. He storms out the front door that slams behind him.
Sighing, I turn and head upstairs, ready to call Eric then start to move on with the next part of my life. However hard it may be.
Later that night, after spending two hours on the phone with a very ecstatic Eric, I walk into Affton's office where she's got piles of fabrics lying all over the place.
"Hey," I say, scared but trying not to show it.
"Hey!" She turns her monitor toward me. "Look at this." She starts to laugh and I see she's laughing at a puppy video Grant posted on the tattoo parlor's social media account.
"Nice." I giggle. "Are you busy?" Stupid question. She's always fucking busy.
Quickly exiting out of the video, she brings up her email and starts to chuckle. "Obviously." With a cringe my way she smiles again then pats the chair next to her. "God, I just needed a short break. What's up?"
"So..." I pick at my nail polish, guilt turning stones in my stomach. "I hate breaking promises," I blurt, then nervously huff. "But I'm..." I catch her gaze and shrug, trying to swallow back the tears because as much as I want out of here, I don't want to leave her. She's my best friend. "I gotta move, Affton," I whisper.
"Why?" she asks like her heart just broke.
"I'm not as strong as I thought I was." A tear slips out and I shake my head, swiping it away. "I'm sorry. I love you, and I love being so close to you and your work and..." I shoot to my feet. "I can't do it. I tried. I really tried, but every time I see him it digs the knife deeper that he'll never be it for me. That he doesn't..." I hiccup and stop pacing the room. "I'm sorry, Affton. I'm so sorry. But I'm not strong enough."
She grabs my shoulders and pulls me into a hug and her chest starts bouncing and that's just going to make me cry harder. "Why didn't you say something sooner? I asked you a couple times if it was Grant making you seem out of it. I thought I was working you too hard. I could have flown him over the Bermuda Triangle a few weeks ago if I'd have known." She chuckles and pulls back, wiping her own tears.
"No," I whisper, swiping at my cheeks. "I was the stupid girl that played his game and didn't follow the rules. It's on me, and I don't want you hating him for it. It's my burden and I have to learn to fix my broken heart on my own. Or at least learn how to live with it. But I can't do that if I keep running into the one person that has that much power over me." I sigh. "I really want to stay on as your assistant and I know we could work something out, but I completely understand if you need to bring someone else in. Someone closer..."
She looks at me dully then rolls her eyes. "If you quit your job..." She huffs and stressfully slides her hands through her hair. "He drove you out of town." With a laugh she shakes her head. "Where are you going to move to?"
"Eric's place," I whisper, knowing full well it seems like a rebound. And he may be. But all epic breakups need that rebound guy to help the girl get back on her feet. Maybe he's the one. Maybe he's not. But he's a stepping-stone in the right direction.
"I'll make Grant move!" she shrieks.
"You can't do that, Affton." I shake my head, walking over to her and taking her shoulders in my grip. "I have to do this. And I'm not quitting. We'll make it work. But I can't be here much longer without wanting to jump off a cliff."
"Lord Jesus, that man is going to get a spur in his tight ass. I swear to you." She shakes her head then blinks her gaze to mine. "Eric though?" With a small chuckle she moves away from me. "You really like him enough to move in together after only a few weeks?"
No.
"He's nice," I whisper, nodding. "I can't afford a place of my own. My room was taken by a roommate when I moved out of my brothers' place. So...yeah. I guess I do." Shrugging, I sigh. "It's a start."
"Do you need a raise? I had no idea you're not making enough money! I figured you lived here, no rent. I just...I'll give you a raise." She quickly sits in her chair and turns to her computer.
"Stop." I laugh. "No, I mean…" Fuck. "That's not what I meant. I've saved a ton living here and I'm forever grateful for it, but if I got a place of my own, with the car payment and everything else? It'd be tight after a few months. This way I can at least save up a bit more. Maybe if Eric and I don't work out I'll have enough saved to buy something small. But no, I don't need a raise." I manage a laugh and shake my head at her.
"I feel like I should pay you more for subjecting you to Grant Matthews," she grumbles, clicking a few buttons. "So you really fell hard?" Her throat clears but when she looks at me, her lip's quivering. "He's such a dick."
"Yeah," I manage, sitting back in the chair. "It doesn't make sense to me either, trust me. But I fell, and I kept falling, and then the minute the subject of a future came up he just..." I shrug. "I never told him directly. You know...that...I love him..." I swipe a tear away. "Seemed kind of pointless to murmur those words when the man was standing with my heart in his claws, shredding it in front of me."
She blows her nose, nodding her head in agreement. "Tommy's going to beat his ass." She chuckles and stands. Frowning, she moves toward me, wrapping her arms around me.
"This isn't his fault," I mumble. I don't want all his friends pissed at him. "I knew what he was before I started. It's my fault for falling for him. Hell, everyone warned me. I'll get over him, I just need space."
***
Days. That's how long it took to uproot everything I thought I was growing accustomed to. And now here I stand. In a room full of boxes. Some empty, some still being filled, about to move my life back to California. Probably for good.
My brother's in town helping me pack. He'll be driving my shit back home for me since a last minute work trip to Vegas just came up late last night and I can't leave Affton hanging. That also means that Eric isn't coming to town like we originally planned but that's okay. I just want out of here. If I'm ever going to move on, I need out of here.
I grab the tape and start to wrap up another box and as soon as I finish it off I hear screaming downstairs. What the hell? I move to the window to see if there are any clues and my eyes hit Grant's bike. Of course.
"Shit." I shake my head, glancing around, my eyes landing on his egg I still need to return. The one lone thing sitting on my desk.
The screaming continues and I try to ignore it until I hear stomping coming up the steps. Before I have a chance to run and lock it, my door flies open and I whip around just in time to see Grant, out of breath but still so gorgeous it makes my chest ache.
"Grant, what are you doing?" I yell, throwing my hands to my hips.
His eyes flick around the room. "She runs fast." He thumbs behind him and Affton rounds the corner and gives him a shove.
"Grant Matthews. Take off the shirt, now," Affton demands.
"I designed the fuckin' thing. You just had it made. If you don't put my name on these labels, I swear I'll sue you, Affy." He looks around again. "What're we doing?"
My eyes flash down to the shirt they're fighting over and I gasp. Loud. Because on the fucking shirt is...
"Me?" I blurt, rushing over to him and gripping the fabric. "That's me. My picture." My fingers swipe over the screen-printed material. It's almost badass looking...until my fingers trail over the words. "Good girl," I whisper, and my eyes hit Grant's wolfish grin. "No." My head shakes and my fingers tremble. "No," I blurt, then move behind him and let out an angry growl at the very sexy image of me on the back and the words Bad Girl screen-printed over it.
Anyone else. Anyone else and this shirt would be kickass.
But...
"Me!' I scream. "You put me on a fucking shirt!" I shove him then glare at Affton. "Affton, why would you do this?"
My brother's here. He'll be back any minute from running to the store with Tommy. He's going to see this and flip!
"It's an idea I wanted to run by you. This idiot just has to ruin everything! It's a new line I want to launch. Good girl. Bad girl?" She shrugs meekly then starts pulling at Grant's shirt. "Take it off!" She fights with him until he lets her get him out of his shirt. His grin goes wider before he winks at me, catching me staring at his toned chest, stomach, arms... Fuck, I hate I can't look away.
"Burn it," I manage to tear my eyes off that V that makes my brain short circuit. "I'm not a good girl. Or a bad girl." My eyes hit Grant's again. "I'm a stupid girl. Excuse me, I have to finish packing." I feel like I could be sick.
"Grant," Affton growls his name but he's on my heels, following me.
"Packing for what?"
"I'm leaving." I try not to look at him or pay him any attention. Honestly I was planning on dropping his grandma's egg at the tattoo shop and not telling him goodbye. I just need out.
"Leaving? Where?" He gently grabs my arm as I shove a shirt into a box. "Carter Dawn? Leaving where?"
"Leaving here!" I shout. "I'm moving, Grant. You're dumb, but you're not that dumb. I'm going back to California." It's so hard to get those words out that by the time I do I feel completely done. I shrug and turn, yanking out of his grasp and continue shoving shit in boxes. I had a system. Now I just want it done so I can get out of here and try to start healing.
"Cool." He chuckles. "Does this mean I get the loft?" he asks Affton.
Letting out a growl, I squeeze my eyes closed, his comment and complete disregard for this situation just pushing home the fact that this move is the best thing for me. Grant Matthews will never care for anyone but himself. I may love him, but I deserve someone that loves me back. He'll never be able to be that guy.
"You are way worse than any name she's ever called you," Affton says. "I'll go get Tommy to get him out of here." She jogs down the stairs and I want to tell her to leave the shirt so the idiot can cover all that up.
"What the fuck are you doing?" he snarls at me and I'm suddenly being held against his body while his fingers wrap in my hair. "Look at me!" he screams. "What the fuck are you doing?" His eyes are burning red but the worry line between his eyebrows throws me off.
"I'm leaving!" I try to shove him off me but he's got a good grip. "I'm doing what you said, right?" My eyes burn with unshed tears. "I'm moving on!"
"I tried playing this stupid game your way." He moves closer to my face and I flinch back, thinking he's going to kiss me. He sighs and his forehead pushes to mine. "What the fuck are you doing, good girl?" he asks like I'm causing him pain.
"Exactly what I deserve," I whisper, the fight gone and all that's left is a roaring pain in my chest where he continuously tears my heart out.
There's only one way to describe the man you love...the man you'll never be able to have...pressed against you like you're his last breath.
Mother fucking torture.