Twenty

 

‘So, what do you think?’ Seph tilted her head to one side and looked at Janice.

It had taken countless sleepless nights and barricading herself in her studio for hours at a time, not to mention intense cramping in her right hand, but she’d finished the series. With the exhibition just under three weeks away, she’d finally let Janice through the door to see it.

‘They’re so monochrome,’ Janice said. ‘Completely different to your usual explosion of colour.’

Dressed in a black knee-length dress, black skyscraper heels and matching Botegga Veneta bag, Janice looked pretty monochrome herself. It was a look that usually said she meant business and, for someone so tiny, she cut a formidable figure.

‘They’re great though, aren’t they?’ Seph prompted, unfazed by her mentor’s cut-throat, corporate look. This series might be less colourful than the ones before it, but she knew it would be a hit.

The side of Janice’s mouth twitched a little before pulling up into a smile. ‘Yes, they are.’

Seph nodded and folded her arms, tucking her hands under her armpits. ‘And right on time, too, just like I promised.’

‘Where are the ones that didn’t cut it?’

‘There aren’t any. Turns out they weren’t so bad after all.’

Janice laughed a little and shook her head. ‘It’s never boring with you, Seph, I’ll give you that.’ She turned back to the canvases and began slowly walking around the studio, inspecting every painting again before stopping in front of the largest piece. ‘The tension in them is incredible.’

Seph stared at it too. It was hard to believe she’d ever hated it. The blue on black had seemed so dark and ominous before. Depressing, even. But now, all she saw was life. It had energy and noise and feeling. It might even be her favourite piece.

Janice turned to give her a satisfied smile. ‘I’ll arrange collection this weekend. You really had me worried there, Seph. This is damned close to the wire.’

‘Close, but on time.’ Seph winked. ‘You know me. I never let you down.’

‘Yes. Quite.’ Janice replied, raising her eyebrows. ‘So what changed?’

Seph fished her box of cigarettes from her jeans pocket and walked over to the window. It was a difficult question to answer. Did it even matter now? Things had turned around, surely that was enough? Still, she searched her mind for a response.

‘I suppose I decided to stop being so hard on myself,’ Seph eventually replied. She blew onto the end of her cigarette, making its amber tip glow. ‘I did what you told me to do and channelled it all.’

‘Well next time I’ll write it on a Post-it note and you can save us all the heart palpitations,’ Janice said dryly.

Seph laughed. ‘Nice idea.’

It was amazing the difference a few days made. Since meeting up with Nico the second time, life had got easier and easier. She remembered the clouds parting while they’d sat outside the gelato shop. It had been almost biblical, the way the sun had streamed its rays onto her face. It felt like more than just molecules of Vitamin D penetrating her skin. It had felt like inspiration and creativity, the return of her self-esteem. The return of her self. She’d realised that she was being silly, writing off endless hours of work just because her paintings hadn’t fitted in with some weird idea of how they should’ve been. It was like a load had been taken from her shoulders and she’d made her way home feeling like the ground was as soft as a marshmallow under her feet.

It wasn’t just work stress that had been lifted. The argument with Ben suddenly seemed pointless – completely and utterly stupid. It made such little sense that she couldn’t even pinpoint exactly what it was they’d argued about. She hadn’t wanted to. Life was too short to hold onto bad feelings. When she’d got home, she’d surprised Ben with a kiss hello and asked him about his day. They hadn’t spoken about it since and as far as she was concerned, there was no need to. Her confidence was back and now she could say, Clara who?

‘We need to get your press release locked down,’ Janice said, pulling Seph’s mind back into the room.

Seph crushed her cigarette out in the overflowing ashtray and grimaced. She hated writing her artist statement. How could anybody summarise their work into two paragraphs?

‘Actually, if you’ve got time there’s some stuff I need to update you on anyway,’ Seph said. ‘It’ll give you some backstory on the series.’

She pulled another cigarette from the box, lit it, and began telling Janice about Nico. She started right at the beginning on the day she got back from France and read his email, and went right up until she’d sat watching the gelato meld and melt into itself a few days ago. Forty minutes and a pack of Marlboro’s later, she raised her eyebrows and lifted her hands up.

‘And there you have it. That’s been my life for the last few weeks.’ She shook the empty box of cigarettes before frowning and scrunching it up.

‘It sounds like you’ve had a pretty tough time, Seph’ Janice replied. The skin between her eyebrows creased with concern. ‘Why didn’t you say something sooner?’

‘There was no need to.’ Seph shrugged.

‘With an upcoming exhibition it’s a lot of stress for anyone to carry. It would have been perfectly understandable to postpone.’

Seph held down a sigh. Why did everyone keep banging on about stress and the burden of it all the time? ‘I’m fine.’

‘This is me you’re talking to.’

‘Honestly, I am. Yes, it’s been testing but everything’s good now. Great, in fact.’ She smiled. ‘It’s worked out pretty well. Nico’s great, we’re really alike in some ways - we have the same taste in food and music and stuff. And we look alike too. It’s kind of cool that he’s around.’

It could have been much worse. They might have had nothing at all to say to each other, or clashed and rubbed each other the wrong way.

‘I’m glad it’s worked out, Seph, but if anything this major ever happens again and coincides with an exhibition, you’ve got to tell me,’ Janice said. ‘In fact, I think I’ll make it a contractual obligation.’

Seph rolled her eyes playfully. ‘I’m fine. I wouldn’t have been able to get those paintings done if I weren’t, would I? I can handle it. This is what artists do, right?’

Janice didn’t look convinced.

‘Come on, you’ve got to admit, it’s been a great inspiration for my work. I mean, imagine how boring the series would’ve been without all this.’ Seph grinned, filled with enthusiasm. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’d wish for it all to happen again. I’m just saying that it’s all worked out in the end.’

‘I want to invite Nico to the exhibition,’ Seph said.

‘Really? Won’t your parents be there?’

‘Yeah, but they’ve got to learn to get along sooner or later. It’s the perfect way to draw a line in the sand.’

‘If you want my honest opinion, I think it’s asking for trouble.’

Seph tilted her head to one side and raised her eyebrow in response.

‘Fine, fine. It’s your exhibition and he is your dad,’ Janice conceded with a sigh. ‘Just make sure there’s no drama.’

‘There won’t be,’ Seph promised. How could there be?

Happiness welled in her chest like a bright ball of light. She sparkled with it, with creativity and a promise of good things. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

After saying goodbye to Janice, Seph rushed to the bathroom. The urge to get out of the house and experience life again was too strong to ignore, but she needed to clean herself up first.  With the little digital radio on the sink blasting out music, Seph stood under the shower, singing along as her favourite songs played one after the other. Clouds of steam billowed around her as she scrubbed herself clean. Hot water pounded against her back and shoulders, beating all the little knots that had built up over the last few weeks into submission. She washed her hair for the first time in ages and treated it to a lengthy conditioning treatment. After trimming her nails and plucking her eyebrows, Seph stared at herself in the mirror. Her eyes sparkled, her skin glowed. Finally, she was human again.

Seph padded into the bedroom and pulled open her underwear drawer. Everything in it looked so worn and functional and boring. She rifled through it. Didn’t she have anything nice? Something to match how she was feeling inside? She slammed the drawer shut, blowing out a puff of air. She’d read somewhere once that every woman needed at least one good set of lingerie but it had never really been her thing. She sat on the edge of the bed, picking up her phone. She deserved a treat after handing over her series, didn’t she?

After a quick Google search, Seph scrolled through Coco de Mer’s website. Excitement pulled at her belly with every flick of her thumb against the screen. Jewellery, masks, robes and fancy bras. They all looked so gorgeous and classy and exactly what she needed. The shop was in central London. She could be there in under an hour.

Seph jumped up from the bed and pulled on a vest and pair of shorts, her fingers fumbling over the zip with adrenaline. She grabbed her purse, keys and Oyster card, and slung them into her bag. Warm air greeted her as she left the warehouse – not too hot or sticky – a perfect day for spontaneous shopping. Seph walked quickly to the station. A train pulled in just as she’d made it down the stairs and onto the platform. For once, it was almost empty and she had the pick of seats. Changing lines at King’s Cross was effortless and quick. Everyone around her smiled, replacing the usual blasé indifference London was so famous for. Maybe they could feel the happiness in her chest, that sparkly feeling that had helped her to see straight, because she was sure they were smiling at her. She smiled back at each and every one of them as the Tube sped towards Covent Garden, a place she’d avoided for years but was now heading towards for the third time in as many weeks. Anticipation mounted with every station they passed as she imagined what she would try on, what she would buy, how it would feel to wear something so beautiful.

And it was so worth it.

The photographs online paled in comparison to the reality. Seph’s heart raced as she stared at her reflection in the changing room of Coco de Mer. Music played softly from hidden speakers as she ran her fingers across the robe draped across her shoulders. The lace border was so intricate, the material so soft. It felt like a butterfly kissing her skin. She’d never seen anything so pretty in her entire life. Never, not once.

She picked up her phone and opened the camera app, pointing it to the mirror as she turned to take a picture of it from the back. She tiptoed to elongate her legs, making sure to get the curves of her bum peeking out from under the robe, before taking a couple of photos to send to Ben. Why was he in Cannes? A couple had been browsing in the shop when she’d walked in. Ben should be here with her. He should be right next to her in this small, intimate space, with its red carpet and vintage chairs. He should be transfixed by the bra with its scalloped lace cups that barely covered her nipples. The knickers that sat low on her hips, accentuating her curves, should be making his breath quicken. 

She’d never felt this sexy before. Never felt so beautiful and feminine and raw. Everything hugged her body so perfectly, as if someone had made them to fit every inch and every curve. She would wear this all day, every day if she could. Seph grinned at her reflection. There was no way on earth she was leaving this shop empty handed.

A few minutes later, she stood in front of the cashier’s desk with adrenaline buzzing under her skin as she handed over her credit card. She didn’t even flinch at the seven hundred and five pounds total. It was money well spent.