Twenty-Five

 

Seph grinned as the confirmation email landed in her inbox. She quickly scanned the contents to make sure everything was correct before looking over her shoulder at Ben. He was sunk low into the sofa, his chin resting on his chest and his long legs stretched out as he watched Lethal Weapon 2. Or 3 or 4. Seph wasn’t sure, those kind of films weren’t her thing, and anyway they all had the same old boring plot.

She looked back at her laptop. Bubbles of excitement popped away in her stomach. Would she be able to keep the secret? Now that it was all confirmed, the words were right there on her tongue, ready to explode from her mouth. She jiggled her foot to try and keep them inside. It wasn’t enough.  She turned on the stool to face Ben.

‘Guess what?’ She grinned, both feet jiggling now. She couldn’t wait to see the look on his face.

‘What?’

‘Guess.’

Ben sighed and looked at her briefly. ‘You’ve finished your book?’

Why was he being so sarcastic? She’d been making great progress considering she only just started two days ago. Seph looked at the sleek silver case of her new MacBook. She loved it. Adored it. It was so much faster than the laptop she’d lugged around since university. And lighter, too. It was the buy of the century, but Ben hadn’t seen it that way. He’d said it was extravagant and a waste of money they couldn’t afford, especially because he had an iMac in his studio she could use now that she’d “suddenly” decided on a career change. He’d obviously completely missed the point. She didn’t want to be stuck in front of a computer. She wanted to write on the go - in the park, in cafés, on the bus, even. And anyway, it was her money that had paid for it. She’d told him so, too. Then, her mum had turned up, right in the middle of their argument, and they hadn’t spoken about it since.

It was the first time her mum had ever set foot in the house. Why had she finally come all this way, anyway? Just to apologise for their argument? Seph shook her head. It didn’t matter anymore. She’d moved on. All she wanted to do was put the whole mess behind her. The writing had helped with that, until Ben had come along and pooh-poohed the idea. Seph’s eyes narrowed. Now, every single little bit of inspiration had disappeared. It was as if he’d walked right up to her and stuck a pin in the place where her ideas had ballooned from.

‘No, I haven’t finished my book,’ she said, ignoring Ben’s sarcasm. ‘It’s better than that.’

‘We’ve won the lottery?’

Seph dropped her shoulders and tilted her head to the ceiling. Sometimes, his lack of imagination was maddening.

‘What do you think about Brazil?’

Ben frowned. ‘The country?’

‘No, the nut.’ She tutted. ‘Of course the country.’

‘I don’t know.’ He shrugged. ‘Why?’

The grin returned to her face. ‘Because in a couple of weeks, we’ll be going there.’

She’d pictured him being surprised. She’d anticipated confusion, but had imagined that it would give way to shock and then elation. She’d pictured him getting as excited as her as they made plans of what to do when they got there, where to go, what to see. So why were his eyebrows doing that thing they did when he was unimpressed, that thing where they scrunched together and met in the middle? Where was his excited grin?

‘Yeah, right,’ Ben said, laughing a little.

Clearly he didn’t believe her, but he’d be jumping up and down when he realised it was for real.

‘We fly out on the twenty-ninth,’ she said. ‘I just booked it.’

Ben sat up and turned the TV off, plunging them into silence.

‘Rio, here we come!’ Seph exclaimed.

He stared at her. ‘Are you actually being serious? You’re not joking?’

‘As if I’d joke about something as cool as this.’ She turned the MacBook towards him.

Ben got up from the sofa to stand next to her. His eyes widened and flicked left and right as he read the confirmation email. ‘Jesus Christ.’

‘I know! Two and a half weeks of sun.’ She sighed happily. ‘I can’t wait.’

‘It’s almost two grand, Seph.’

‘So? The flights are included.’ She waved a hand in the air. Was he for real? It was a bargain. She only wished they could go sooner. She wanted to fill her nose with the scent of sun cream and coconuts.

‘And,’ Seph continued, ‘we’ve got the best accommodation.’

She’d fallen in love with the photos of the wooden villa. It was almost entirely open plan, with pivoting glass doors that led down to its own private beach. Okay, so it was a tiny stretch of beach, but who cared? She couldn’t wait to feel the sand under her bare feet. They tingled just thinking about it.

Ben shook his head. ‘Why have you done this?’

‘What do you mean, why?’ Seph replied. What kind of question was that? ‘There are heaps of reasons. First of all, I’ve been stuck in my studio for ages working my arse off to get the series finished. Second, you’ve been working stupid hours and we hardly see each other.’ She stood up, using the fingers of one hand to reel off her reasons on the other. ‘Third, we haven’t had a holiday together yet this year and, fourth, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’ve had a bit of family drama going on. Fifth-’

‘Fifth,’ Ben interrupted, ‘where the hell are we getting the money for this?’

Seph dropped her hands to her side. ‘Why does it always have to be about money?’

‘Because we live in the real world where we need it for rent and bills and food.’

He’d become such a nag about money lately. She’d just presented him with an all-expenses paid trip to Rio de Janeiro. Why couldn’t he just be happy like any other boyfriend would?

‘Ben, would you lighten up? We’re not exactly broke, are we?’ She looked up at him with a cajoling smile and working her hands around his waist. ‘Don’t you think we deserve it? Because I do. Think about it: you, me, the beach. Cocktails. Sunshine. It’s exactly what we need.’

‘No, Seph, it isn’t.’ He pulled away and turned his back to her, rubbing his fingers on his forehead.

His broad shoulders flexed under his white long-sleeved T-shirt. Seph clenched her jaw. Why was he being like this? He was acting like the fun police, pissing all over her parade.

Ben turned back around to look at her. ‘How did you pay for it?’

‘I put it on the credit card.’ She shrugged. ‘What’s the big deal?’

‘You’ve just bought yourself a brand new MacBook, that was what? A grand? One thousand five hundred? And now a two thousand pound holiday?’

‘It was discounted and, in case you’ve forgotten, I’ve got an exhibition coming up,’ she replied, completely unfazed by his ridiculous worries. ‘Money isn’t a problem.’

‘You can’t assume you’re going to sell anything, let alone enough to cover a new laptop and a luxury holiday to Brazil.’

Seph’s eyes narrowed. ‘What are you saying? You think nobody’s going to buy my work?’

‘You know that’s not what I meant.’ Ben sighed. ‘I just think you shouldn’t be spending so much without having a concrete way of paying for it, and I wish you’d have talked to me about it first.’

‘It was supposed to be a surprise. If I’d have known you’d be this ungrateful about it, I wouldn’t have bothered.’ She crossed her arms and looked away.

‘I’m not ungrateful. I just don’t understand how you can spend four grand in two days without even batting an eyelid.’

‘Because I’ll make enough to cover the MacBook and the holiday, and much more besides. While you were off faffing around in Cannes, I was inviting people to the exhibition and after-party. Influential people. People who aren’t afraid to pay good money for art.’

Rather than add to Janice’s official list, Seph had invited some more people herself. Her invitation would stand out coming from her personal account instead of the gallery one. She couldn’t wait to see the RSVP’s come flooding back in. She’d contacted dozens of top bloggers and social media influencers. She’d even messaged a few celebrities on Twitter. Seph had planned to fill Ben in on all this, but now he’d taken it upon himself to act as chief party pooper, she’d keep it to herself.

‘Is this because of Cannes?’ he asked. ‘Are you jealous or something?’

‘What?’ She dropped a small laugh. ‘What makes you say that?’

‘Come on, Seph,’ Ben replied, dropping his voice a little as if they were now getting to the crux of the matter. ‘You’ve barely mentioned it at all.’

‘So?’

‘You’ve always been funny about Clara. A few days ago you were accusing me of sleeping with her behind your back and flipping out about us going to Cannes together, and yet now you’re acting like you don’t care.’ He stopped for a second and let out a small breath. ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t buy it. So what is this? Is it some call for attention or some kind of way to get back at me, or what?’

‘It’s a holiday, not a punishment. I don’t know how you’ve managed to come to all that from me booking us a trip to Brazil but, I promise you, I’m not jealous and I’m not trying to get back at you.’

Ben snorted and shook his head and leaned against the wall.

‘I’m serious. I’m not jealous. Not anymore.’

‘Oh yeah? So what changed?’

‘Well, let’s just say I realised that two people like us should be free to do what we want, when we want, with whoever we want.’

Ben frowned. ‘Meaning?’

‘Meaning that maybe we’ve gone wrong with labelling what we have just because everyone else does. It means that if you want to sleep with Clara, or anyone else, then feel free.’

He furrowed his eyebrows even deeper and pushed himself off the wall. ‘Do you hear what you’re saying?’

‘Yes, I do. And I really think it makes sense. We can’t expect each other to fill our needs all the time.’

‘Well mine are, and they always have been.’ He stopped for a second and stared at her. ‘Why? Aren’t yours?’

Seph bit the inside of her bottom lip.

‘Seph?’

His voice rumbled low with suspicion as his eyes darted around the room, as if he were trying to see the thing between them that hadn’t been there before. He opened his mouth to say something before closing it again and looking at her with guarded eyes.

‘Did something happen while I was away?’ he asked. ‘Did you sleep with someone else?’

Seph hesitated. He was asking for the truth but everything about him was saying that he probably didn’t want to hear it.

‘Yes,’ she said, blurting the word out. 

Ben flinched as shock registered on his face. He stared at her for a few seconds, the look in his eyes hardening as the muscles in his jaw twitched. Seph swallowed. This was all going wrong. The conversation wasn’t supposed to go this way, he wasn’t supposed to react like this. He was supposed to be happy about being free to do whatever he wanted, especially when he was working away. Just like she’d done. Seph’s stomach flipped. She hadn’t felt free when she’d lay in bed afterwards, wishing she could crumble away to nothing. She bit down harder on the inside of her lip.

‘Ben, I-’ she started, but he turned on his heel and walked away. ‘Wait, where are you going?’ she spluttered, going after him as he made his way to the front door.

He didn’t reply as he crouched down to shove his feet into his boots.

‘You don’t have to go,’ she said as he tugged on his laces so hard, she thought they might snap. ‘It’s not as bad as it sounds.’

‘Don’t say another word,’ he replied without looking up at her. ‘Don’t say another fucking word.’

She reached out to put hand on his shoulder. ‘But-’

He shrugged her off as he stood back up. ‘You’re fucking mental, you know that? I mean, what kind of person does this?’

‘But if you’d just let me explain…’ She moved out of his way as he grabbed his jacket.

‘I don’t want to hear it. I don’t even want to look at you.’ He snatched his keys and shook his head. ‘Do you have any idea how fucked up this is? How fucked up you are?’

Seph’s heart raced. Why was he getting ready to walk out? That wasn’t part of the plan. Why didn’t she have a remote control that could let her press pause? She needed to take a minute to gather her thoughts. She needed to regain the clarity she’d found, to explain it to him so he could understand where she was coming from and react the way she’d expected him to.

‘Ben, please. Don’t go.’

He stopped in front of the door but didn’t turn to face her. His shoulders rose and fell, anger seeping from his pores. When he finally turned to look at her, the look of hurt in his eyes was so strong that she struggled to hold his gaze. She hadn’t meant to do this. She hadn’t meant to hurt him.

‘I suggest you go to a doctor,’ Ben said, keeping his voice level. ‘I suggest you go there and tell him you’re not sleeping, not eating, spending money like it grows on trees and fucked someone else.’

‘I don’t need a doctor.’

‘You know, I spent most of my spare time in Cannes on the internet trying to figure out what the hell’s been going on with you.’

Seph frowned and swallowed, shrinking away a little as if she could somehow escape the spotlight-like beam of his eyes.

‘You said Nico has bipolar,’ Ben said. ‘I think you might have it too.’

What? He was being silly. Of course she didn’t have bipolar disorder, she’d know if she did. But the words dried up in her throat and all she could do was shake her head. 

‘You know what? It doesn’t even matter. I’m out.’ Ben lifted his hands before dropping them back down again. ‘I’ve had just about all I can take.’

Tears sprang to her eyes, but Seph was rooted to the spot, her feet unable to move, her mouth unable to speak. Ben walked out, slamming the heavy metal door behind him, and all she could do was watch him go.