I wake with a dry mouth, pissed-off stomach, and headache from hell, but none of that matters because I have something warm and sweet in my arms. Something I know shouldn’t be there, but I cherish it just the same.

The sun is bright coming in the window, so I shove my face deeper in Gwen’s hair. I breathe in deep, loving the smell of her. It’s amazing how right she feels in my arms. I wish I could hold her here forever.

Memories of yesterday run through my mind. I totally fucking lost it in front of her and told her everything. She had a right to know, especially because I know she feels something for me.

She didn’t say much or act disgusted, but given time to think about it, that doesn’t mean she won’t today. Gwen’s a good, loving woman, and I know she doesn’t judge, but what happened to my family, what I couldn’t prevent, would turn anyone’s stomach. Rationally, I know there was nothing I could do to save my family, but my heart screams at me, saying there had to have been something I could have done. I could have told the doctors that since it was so late, we should wait until the morning to bring Rayne home. The only reason I didn’t was because Clara and I were both so excited about finally being able to bring her home and start living our lives as a family. I could have not jerked the wheel so much or tried harder to keep control of the car. Maybe they would still be alive if I had just slammed on the brakes and hit the car head-on instead of swerving.

There are so many what-ifs. Too many for the guilt that plagues me to let it rest.

I pinch my eyes shut and force away the painful memories. I don’t want them to pull me under right now. Not when I have Gwen in my arms, because I don’t know how much longer that will last. I wouldn’t blame her if knowing what she knows now changes her feelings toward me.

She shifts in sleep, and as inappropriate as it is under the circumstances, my body reacts. I will my growing erection to go away, but unfortunately, it has a mind of its own. The more I’m around her, the harder it gets to keep that reaction at bay. I want her so fucking bad. My body’s been deprived of release, and now that it’s found something it wants, it wants it now. It’s more than just my body that craves Gwen, though, it’s my soul as well.

And your heart, my mind whispers.

She moves again, rubbing against me harder, and I can’t keep back the low groan. My arms tighten around her, trying to hold her still. Now is not the fucking time for this. I need to know how she sees me now that she knows of my inability to save my family.

I’m not sure if it’s my arms tightening around her or if it was my groan, but her body stiffens, letting me know she’s awake.

“I’m sorry,” she says, her voice rough with sleep. I keep my arms around her when she tries to pull away.

“Don’t apologize,” I say gruffly. I’ve noticed she apologizes a lot, and I wonder if it stems from her need to please. She has that sweetness about her, and I’m sure it bothers her if she knows she’s displeased someone.

In an attempt to loosen her up, I rub circles on her upper arm. I don’t want her to be anxious around me, particularly over something as natural as sex. I don’t see the sexual tension we have between us dissipating anytime soon, especially on my end. Luckily, she starts to relax.

As much as I want to keep us in our quiet cocoon, I need to look at her and see what’s she’s thinking. I pull my arm from around her waist and get up on an elbow. With my chest no longer behind her, she rolls to her back. My chest meets the side of her, and I put my free arm on the other side of her hip. She looks so beautiful lying below me. When her eyes meet mine, her expression is unsure.

“Thank you for last night,” I tell her. Before anything else is said, I need her to know that no matter how she feels about me, I’m grateful for her being there with me last night. More than just under the bridge, but letting me hold her as well. Every year, I’ve always made sure I was alone for their anniversary, but having Gwen there last night made it a little bit easier.

She takes one of her hands and places the palm against my cheek. I close my eyes, loving the feeling of her soft skin against mine. It’s the side where my scars are. She seems to do that a lot; touch my scars. I don’t have feeling on that side like I do on the left. Surprisingly, when she touches me, I feel her touch as if I do.

“There was no way I could leave you alone. I was where I needed to be.”

Her softly spoken words are music to my ears, but I’m still unsure how she feels about what I said last night. Insecurity is a bitch and can grip even the surest person. I don’t feel particularly strong at the moment, and I need to know what she’s thinking.

“Why did you stay?” I ask, unable to hold back the tone of uncertainty.

Her eyes turn sad. It’s a look I want gone from her face.

Instead of answering my question, she states quietly, “Alexander, there was nothing you could do to stop what happened to them.”

Part of me knows what she says is true, but a bigger part says otherwise. I’ve tried so fucking hard to let go of the guilt, but it’s festered so much that it’s a part of me now.

She sees the turmoil in my eyes and cups my other cheek. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to her touch.

“There was nothing you could do,” she says more forcefully, but her eyes remain soft. “No matter how many ways you alter something in your mind, if it wasn’t meant to be, then it wouldn’t have changed anything. We don’t have control over what happens to us in life. The only thing we can do is live it the best way we can.”

I want to believe her so fucking bad, and maybe one day I will, but it’s still too fresh to believe right now.

“Why did you stay?” I ask again, needing to know if it was only out of sympathy for someone who was in pain, or if it was something more.

Her eyes flick back and forth between mine for several seconds, as if trying to figure out how to answer my question. My heart thumps heavily against my ribs as I anxiously wait. Her eyes only give away her nervousness and show no clue as to what her answer will be.

“Because,” she starts, then licks her lips. “Because I care about you a lot and seeing you in so much pain….” She closes her eyes as if she’s in pain herself. I can tell she’s fighting against her emotions and ultimately wins the battle when she opens them again. “It was hard seeing you like that, and I wanted to help in any way I could.”

I run a finger down her face, starting at her temple and ending at the underside of her chin. This woman really is incredible. How she could feel anything for me after I exposed my deepest regrets is beyond me. She’s never looked at my scars and thought them hideous. She’s always looked beneath them.

“I don’t deserve for you to be here with me.” She opens her mouth to refute me, but I talk over her. “But I’m not strong enough to let you go either.” I dip my head and place a single kiss against her lips before pulling back an inch. “There’s so much I want from you, Gwen. So damn much, and it scares the shit out of me because I know this feeling isn’t fleeting. It’s real and so damn strong. I don’t know why you came into my life, but now that you’re here, I’m not sure I can ever willingly let you go.”

Her eyes are wide and her breath fans across my lips as her breathing becomes labored. I’m not sure if it’s due to me practically baring my soul or if it’s something more carnal. It feels so fucking wrong to even slightly desire this woman in light of what yesterday was. It was a day of remembered loss and was emotionally draining. Today’s a new day, but it’s still the day after the anniversary of losing my wife and baby, and while that pain is still very much alive, desire and lust fight their way to the forefront of my mind. That puts another mound of guilt on my shoulders, but I shove it away for the moment.

I lower my head until my lips rest against hers. Her breath hitches when I sweep my tongue gently across her lips until she opens up to me. I meet my tongue with hers, and even though neither of us has brushed our teeth, she tastes so good. Too fucking good.

A soft moan leaves her lips and the sound heightens my desire for her. One of her hands laces through my hair and digs into my scalp, pulling me closer to her. I’m only too willing to oblige.

I trace my hand down her neck, her arm, until I reach the back of her thigh. I lift her leg and hook it over my hip. It leaves her wide open for me to settle between her legs. Through our kiss, I keep my eyes open to make sure she’s okay with what’s going on. Her eyes are closed, but there’s no mistaking the intense pleasure on her face. It amps up my own need.

She lifts her other leg and wraps it around my waist. Both of her legs hold me in place. A deep groan leaves my throat when my hardness meets her soft center. The need to grind myself against her is too strong to resist.

Ending the kiss, I rest my forehead against hers and push my hips forward. Even through our jeans, I feel the warmth of her. Her eyes blaze hot as I start a slow grinding rhythm.

“Alexander,” she moans, and digs her fingers into my shoulders.

I have no plans to let this go all the way, but the sound of her pleading voice saying my name is nearly my undoing.

“You’re driving me crazy, Gwen,” I growl softly. “I don’t know what to do with you.”

I put one hand down by her head and use the other to lift her leg higher. I’m desperate to feel her skin against mine, but I know if I shed our clothes, there’s no way I would be able to stop from taking her. I have no idea what the future holds for us, but one thing I know for sure is that I want her more than my next breath.

This… thing building between us only gets stronger the more I’m around her. My mind wages a war with itself. Part of me demands I let go and allow myself the freedom to pursue a relationship with her, but another part says I’m not good enough for her and her kids. I don’t know which is more dominant, but I do know which I want to win the battle. I’ve been alone for so long, and I don’t want to be anymore. I haven’t felt the softness of a woman in over four years, and I miss it. I don’t want Gwen because she’s the first woman I’ve wanted since Clara died, but because she’s the first woman I’ve actually enjoyed being around since then. It’s not just her body I desire, but her mind and soul as well.

Her nails rake down my back gently, sending goose bumps over my flesh. It spikes my need for her, and I trail my fingers up her side and under her shirt. Her hiss of pleasure shoots straight to my already rock-hard cock, causing it to pulse in my jeans. I press myself against her harder, earning myself another breathless moan.

My hand slips up higher until I reach the underside of her breasts. The soft material touches the tips of my fingers, and they itch to travel higher. I look into Gwen’s eyes, silently asking for permission.

“Please,” she whimpers, and I almost lose it.

Her hips shift restlessly below me, causing her pussy to rub against my aching erection.

“You gotta stop moving, Gwen,” I groan against her neck, then take little nibble along the flesh.

“I need….” She trails off, but there’s no need to finish her sentence. I know exactly what she needs, because it matches my own.

“I know, baby. I’ll take care of you,” I tell her hoarsely.

I lift the bottom of her bra and tug it upward until her breast falls free. I cup the plump softness with gentle hands and give it a squeeze. She feels so fucking perfect in my palm. She must feel the same because she releases a small cry of pleasure the second I touch her. I pinch her nipple and roll it between my fingers, keeping my eyes on her face as I do so. Her bottom lip is between her teeth and her brows are slashed downward as she drowns in sexual bliss.

My eyes drop to her breast, and the sight of her creamy flesh and rose-colored nipple makes my mouth water. Unable to deny the need to taste her, I take the tip in my mouth. Her eyes were closed, but as soon as she feels my warm tongue, they pop open and stare down at me. I hold her gaze as I suck on her and flick my tongue back and forth across the tip. Her hand goes back to my hair and gives it a tug. Not to push me away, but to pull me closer.

I drop my other arm to an elbow, laying more of my bottom half against her. I release her nipple and push up her top and bra on the other side, exposing her other breast. I give it the same treatment, the delicious taste of her making my cock even more impossibly hard.

I groan against her breast, knowing it’s sending vibrations through her. Her head tips back and she releases a husky moan.

I drop her nipple from my mouth, then take her lips again. My hips start to grind harder against her. I feel like I’m going to explode at any minute, but I refuse to let myself find relief. I need to know she’s found hers before I can let go.

Ending the kiss, I bury my face in the crook of her neck and rain soft kisses there, never letting up on the steady rhythm of my strokes against her pussy. Her moans become cries and her teeth sink into the flesh on my shoulder. The bite stings, but spurs me on more. I wrap my arm under her ass and lift her hips up higher.

All of a sudden, she throws her head back and releases a throaty cry. I grunt when her nails dig into my lower back as her release completely consumes her. Her body tenses below me, locking her legs even tighter around me. I feel my own release start at the base of my cock, the pleasure so intense that it leaves me dizzy.

I push my hips further into her, wishing our clothes were gone and I could feel her pussy clamping down around me.

Sparks run down my shaft and the tip of my cock tingles as the first jets of cum shoot from me, coating the insides of my jeans.

I drop my chest down to Gwen’s and shove my face back into her neck. Her shirt and bra are still pulled up, so her naked breasts rub against my chest. My spent cock twitches, but I force the renewed need away.

I breathe in her delicious vanilla scent as I try to catch my breath. Her heated breath on my cheek says she’s doing the same.

Now that the moment is over, reality settles back in. Shame for how I just rutted against her and guilt for the disregard of what yesterday was has my stomach sinking to my toes. Gwen deserves so much more than a dirty orgasm inside our clothes. She should be worshiped and cherished and loved properly. And Clara and Rayne’s memory deserves more respect than a passing thought.

I pull back and stare down at her. There’s a fine sheen of sweat on her forehead and her cheeks are flushed. She looks incredibly sexy, but still manages to appear innocent.

“Fuck,” I muttered. “I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have done that.”

She frowns and drops her chin to her chest, effectively disconnecting us. I feel like an ass because I immediately know where her thoughts go, and it’s the furthest from the truth.

I grab her chin and make her look at me again.

“I know what you’re thinking. Don’t,” I demand. “It felt good, incredibly good, you just deserve better.”

Her hands, which were clutching my back, now come to rest on my sides. I feel tingles where my nerve endings are supposed to be damaged.

“You deserve more too,” she says quietly.

I give her a half smile and lean down and peck her lips before pulling back. “Thank you.”

Her smile lights up her face and it makes my chest tighten. I push up from her chest and roll to the side, my feelings for her getting to be too much. I need to back away before it swallows me whole.

I catch the hurt look on her face as I sit up in bed and swing my legs to the floor, but I don’t stop. I sit on the side and hunch my shoulders. My eyes land on the scars on my arm and hand. I flex the hand, watching as the skin tightens and turns white. Gwen has never paid attention to my scars, and I’ve never really cared what others have felt about them, but they still make me feel inadequate when it comes to her. I’m not only fucked-up on the inside, but the outside as well. It’s a constant reminder of how I failed in my duty as protector. It’s not fair of me to expect or even want her to settle for someone like me, even though I know she would.

I feel her hands rest on my back, and I grimace, glad she can’t see my face. Her lips touch the back of my neck, and my fucking body responds. I silently curse my inability to tamp down the need coursing through my body.

“Are you okay?” she asks, rubbing her hands up and down my back, unknowingly tormenting me further.

I nod, unable to speak at the moment. My eyes slide to the partially open drawer. I just barely make out the images that are inside. The picture I had with me under the bridge feels heavy in my pocket now that reality has made its way back home. I’m a bastard for letting things go as far as they did. I should have never touched Gwen, knowing that I can’t give her what she rightly needs.

I get up from the bed, and without looking back at her, mutter, “Shower.”

I know I’m being an asshole, and I’ve probably hurt her, but I can’t turn back. She needs to know that I’m not the man for her.

I force my legs forward. I don’t dare to look back because I’m scared of the look I’ll see on her face. Once the door is securely closed behind me, I hunch my body against the sink and pull in a deep breath. This whole thing was a huge fucking mistake. I can’t regret having them in my house during the snowstorm because they would have frozen if they’d stayed out there, but I should have worked harder at keeping them at a distance. I should have put up more shields at the first sign of affection I felt toward them. My only excuse is they bombarded me without me even knowing it. It’s too late now to push those feelings away, but I can work at ensuring they don’t become stronger.

I slip out of my clothes, then turn and face the mirror, needing a reminder of why it can’t work between Gwen and me. My jaw hardens as I stare at my fucked-up face and body. The skin puckers and looks warped in some spots. Where my beard should cover the bottom half of my face, the scars prevent it. The doctors say I was lucky because the burns on my face weren’t near as bad as the other areas of my body. They’re still bad enough. When the door to the car was ripped open, the fire had just reached my face and the rain helped keep it from spreading too fast, and gave the guy enough time to pour more water on the fire and douse the flames. Had I been in the car for a couple more minutes, the flames would have completely engulfed me. There are still times I wish it had.

I close my eyes, remembering the pain and smell of my flesh burning. I remember hearing the crunch of metal as the door was yanked open. My body screamed in pain but my eyes stayed pinned on Clara. Even in the dark interior of the car, I could still see her lifeless eyes open, as if they were glowing, accusing me. Judging me for not saving Rayne. My eyes stayed connected with her dead ones every second I was in that car.

It wasn’t until they started pulling me out that I searched the back seat where my little girl was. It was too dark, and I couldn’t fucking find her. It was just an empty black abyss. I was weak from the pain but I still fought to get free. I needed to get to Rayne. After only seconds, my strength gave out and the fiery pain took over.

Days later, I overheard the doctors tell my parents that they were amazed the pain from the burns didn’t leave me incoherent, that I shouldn’t have been able to focus on searching for Rayne when I was being pulled out. What they don’t understand is that the pain of losing them, of being right fucking there and being unable to do a damn thing was more painful than anything else I could imagine. I’d take being burned a thousand times over going through that pain again.

Remembering that day usually makes me feel one of two things, immense pain or unrestricted anger. My expression turns into a twisted scowl, indicating the anger has won out. All at once, my hand balls into a fist, and before I know it, I swing out and punch the mirror. Shards of glass rain down on the sink and floor. I bring my hand to my face and watch as blood drips from the knuckles. Lifting my eyes back to the ruined mirror, I’m satisfied when most of the glass is gone, only leaving a few pieces behind and obscuring my reflection.

“Alexander!” Gwen calls through the door, sounding frantic.

“I’m fine,” I call gruffly.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

I feel bad for the scared tone in her voice, but it’s better for her to know now that I’m not completely levelheaded.

“Yes. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

It wouldn’t surprise me if she were gone when I’m done. It would serve me right and be better for her. But a small part of me wishes she wouldn’t be. I need to push her away, but I selfishly don’t want to let her go.

I turn from the shattered mirror and turn the shower on. Not waiting for it to warm up, I walk underneath the cold spray. The freezing blast of water steals my breath, but I force my body to remain still. I prop my hands on the shower wall and hang my head, letting the cold water cool off my hot temper. I may feel safe to lose it behind closed doors, but I never want Gwen to witness it.

I stay under the water for several minutes, breathing through my nose and out through my mouth before I roughly wash my body. I pick the few splinters of glass out of my hand and set them on the shelf in the shower, then scrub the cuts with soap.

Avoiding the glass on the floor, I step out of the shower and grab a towel. By the time I’m done drying myself, blood is dripping down my hand and onto the floor. I rinse the cuts again, smother them with ointment, then wrap a piece of gauze around my hand. Wrapping the towel around my waist, I pull open the door, unsure of what I’ll find or what I want to find.

My heart drops when I find the room silent and empty.

What did you expect, Alexander? my subconscious asks. For her to stick around and get rejected by you again?

I shake my head, willing the thought away, and grab some jeans from the closet. I pull on a shirt and socks and go out to the living room, preparing to walk to the bridge for my truck. The thought of going back there so soon has my fists clenching at my sides. My reluctance to be around people isn’t the only reason I don’t like going to town. That bridge is a part of it too. If I could, I’d avoid the damn thing. Unfortunately, the only way around it to town tacks on three hours.

I come to a stop, surprised, when I find Gwen in my kitchen, her back to me as she stands in front of the stove cooking something. When she hears my approach, she turns. The wary look she gives me makes me want to hit something. Myself mainly, because I’m the source of the look.

“Hey,” she says softly, her eyes guarded.

I clear my throat and walk the rest of the way into the kitchen.

“Hey.”

She twists her hands in front of her nervously, and I want to take her in my arms.

“I’m making eggs and bacon.” She jerks her thumb over her shoulder, indicating the stove. “I figured you might be hungry.”

I frown, wondering why she could still be concerned about me after I left her the way I did in the bedroom, but then I remember, this is Gwen. She’s kind and giving and would push past the hurt if it meant it would somehow help others. I may not know her that well, but I know her enough to sense she’s that type of person.

I shift from one foot to the other, suddenly feeling awkward. “You didn’t have to do that.”

She frowns and looks down, and I feel like an even bigger ass. I walk over and lift her chin. I need to fix this. She didn’t ask for me to climb on top of her and rut away, although she didn’t ask me to stop either and from the way she reacted, she wanted it, too. The least I can do after dry humping her is to not be a jerk.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her, hoping she sees the sincerity in my eyes. “I’d love some breakfast.”

Some of the hurt leaves her face and she gives me a small smile. One corner of my mouth tips up, and the act seems to satisfy her even more as her smile grows.

“Good.” She runs her hands down the front of her jeans and takes a step back. I want to yank her forward again until her soft body meets my hard one, but I drop my hand and let her go. “You go have a seat. It’s almost done.”

Instead of doing what she says, I stand where I am and watch as she turns back to the stove and picks up a spatula. Her tight jeans mold perfectly against her ass, and I jerk my eyes away before my body can appreciate the view. Her hair is tossed up into a messy ponytail, with a few strands falling down the back. Her graceful neck is on display, and I’d love nothing more than to run my lips up the slender column.

I frown, wondering why it’s so hard to keep my thoughts pure when it comes to her. I turn and take a seat at the bar, putting my balled fists on the wood surface. I try not to watch her move around the kitchen, but it’s a feat I don’t manage. She looks way too good and natural as she cooks. Yes, she was here for four days and cooked each day, but she looks as if she’s been doing it here in my kitchen for years. Like this is where she belongs.

She sets a plate of food and a glass of orange juice down in front of me before making her own plate and sitting beside me. I look down at the food and my stomach twists. Nausea from too much alcohol the night before has me regretting telling her I wanted breakfast. I ignore the queasiness and pick up my fork, refusing to hurt her feelings even more by turning it away.

“When we finish eating, I can take you to pick up your truck if you’d like,” she says a few minutes later.

“I can walk. It’s not that far. I’m sure you need to get back to Kelsey and Daniel.” I set my fork down and turn to regard her.

She shakes her head. “I’ve already called Jeremy this morning. He knows to expect me home in about an hour. Besides, it’s on the way.”

I nod, get up from my chair, and take my plate to the sink. Gigi comes sauntering around the corner and stops at my feet to look up at me.

“Okay,” I agree, secretly glad it’ll give me a few more minutes with her. I grab a bowl from the cabinet, pour some dog food in it, and set it on the floor for Gigi. I give her head a few rubs while she chomps down on her breakfast.

When I turn back to face Gwen, she’s looking at me with watchful eyes. It unnerves me because there’s no telling what she’s looking for and if she finds it. She drops her eyes seconds later and grabs her own plate. Instead of setting it in the sink like I did, she washes the dish, along with mine and the ones she used for cooking, and places them in the drying rack.

Five minutes later, we leave the house and make our way to my truck. Neither of us has said anything since we finished our breakfast. Before I’m ready, we’re pulling along the side of the road by the Hallow’s Creek Bridge.

My body tenses up and my jaw tics as we both sit in the truck silently. This place always makes me edgy.

I look over when her hand touches mine and gives it a reassuring squeeze. I find her looking at me with understanding.

“Do me a favor?” she asks in the quiet of the truck.

“What?”

“Call me if you ever want to talk.”

A fierce pain wedges its way in my chest, because she knows this is goodbye for us. I know it too, but I still fucking hate it. It’s for the best though.

I nod, even knowing I’ll never call. If I do, I won’t be able to stop, and then talking on the phone won’t be good enough.

“Thank you.”

I cup the side of her face and lean over the console, placing my lips over hers in a soft kiss. Pulling back, I rest my forehead against hers. Closing my eyes, I wish so much that I could be more for her. I kiss her forehead, then pull away and open my door.

She doesn’t get out, and I don’t look back as I walk over to my truck, unlock it, and climb inside. I ignore the two crosses as they come into view.

Gwen is still at the top of the embankment when I pull out. Through the windshield, I can barely make out her expression, and the sad look she’s wearing almost has me pulling over and stalking back to her. I pull away, and I try to keep my eyes on the road and not the rearview mirror, but they slide there before I can stop them.

Why in the hell does it feel so wrong to see her driving away in the opposite direction?