“LET’S GO SHOPPING,” Jude said one lazy afternoon while we were lying on the couch, watching a movie.
“Shopping?” I said, pausing the movie. I looked up at him from my very comfortable position in his lap. “Why? We just went grocery shopping yesterday.”
“I want to buy you a dress and take you out to dinner,” he answered before bending his head down to kiss my forehead.
“You don’t have to do that. You’ve already done enough.”
It had been over a week since I moved into Jude’s small apartment. It’d been a week since I spoke to my mother. As much as I loved my new living arrangement, I couldn’t help but feel guilty about a number of things. A twist of regret and longing would hit me every time I thought of my mom, and I wondered how much damage I had done to our relationship after walking away from her that night. But as terrible as I felt, I couldn’t bring myself to pick up the phone and call her. I needed to apologize, but my damn pride was getting in the way.
Why does she always feel the need to protect and shelter me so much?
The more I thought about it, the more I began to realize that it might not be me she was protecting afterall, but rather herself.
Living with Jude had also brought out the guilt of not being able to contribute anything financially. I hated that feeling. I was twenty-two years old, and I’d never had a job or gone to college. I didn’t have a single dollar to my name. I felt like a freeloader. Jude might have been born to wealth, but he wasn’t living a lavish lifestyle anymore. He didn’t have money to throw around, and part of me worried how he could afford another person in his life.
“I want to. Besides, you can’t tell me going out on a date isn’t on that list.” A sly grin spread across his face.
“Well, considering I showed you the entire list in bed last night, I’d say you already know the answer to that question.”
His grin widened. “Yeah, I do, which is why we’re going shopping. Come on, get up. Let’s go!”
“Okay, okay!” I laughed, rising from the couch. “I should have never shown you that notebook,” I grumbled.
I felt his hot breath on my ear as he spoke, “I remember I was very persuasive, and I wanted to make sure a certain number was thoroughly crossed out.”
He turned me slowly around, so we were face-to-face. His hands slid down my back.
“I think we’ve done a pretty good job on that one over the last week.” I grinned.
“Just trying to make you feel as normal as possible.” The dimple in his cheek appeared. “A hot young thing like you? How could I possibly be around you all the time and not want to be fucking you every single second of the day?”
His bold words left me breathless.
“See?” he said. “I’m just keeping it real.”
“Uh-huh,” I managed to say.
A slap to my backside brought me out of my lusty trance.
“Come on,” he laughed.
He grabbed the keys off the counter, and we headed out, immediately feeling the warm summer breeze blowing past us as we exited the apartment. Southern California had been having a bit of a heat wave over the last week. Rather than being greeted by the comforting cool ocean breeze that was one of the advantages of living so close to the coast, we were all being bogged down by the stifling heat.
“So hot,” I said as we got into the blazing hot car.
“Let me turn the air on. At least that works in this pile of—”
“Hey! Be nice to Yertle! He will hear you!” I said, rubbing the worn dash lovingly.
Jude shook his head as we pulled out into traffic. “I have no idea why you love this car so much.”
“It’s yours. Why wouldn’t I love it?”
He didn’t answer, but I saw the corner of his mouth curve into a small smile.
Several minutes later, we arrived in a popular area in Santa Monica that was well known for little boutiques and great restaurants. He didn’t bother asking me where I wanted to go. He knew I’d say some place cheap like Old Navy, or I’d ask if there was a Target around. He was so right. I was already scamming the area for the big red bull’s-eye.
About a block down, he pulled us into a fairly large store. It didn’t have that stuffy, cramped feeling many others had as we’d walked past them, and I wasn’t bombarded by salesclerks the minute I’d walked in, which was a plus in my mind. They also had a clearance rack.
Score.
“Really? You go straight for the sales?”
“You can’t blame me for being thrifty. Besides, it doesn’t matter if it’s fifty percent off and looks like this.” I held up the dress I’d spotted at the door, and I watched his eyes bug out of his head.
“Try it on—now,” he demanded.
I searched for the dressing room and made a beeline to the entrance. Eye contact was made with the store clerk, and she ushered me to go ahead. Jude took a seat just out front. I pulled the curtain back, lifted my shirt, and slid my shorts down my legs.
“Nice,” I heard from beyond the curtain.
I snorted out a laugh and shook my head as I unzipped the dress from the hanger. It covered my scar perfectly, and it tied in a bow just at the nape of my neck. Nearly backless, the vibrant summery pattern gathered at my waist and flared out in an asymmetrical pattern. It felt light and airy against my skin, and it did amazing things to my slight figure.
I took a deep breath and turned, facing the curtain. I slowly pulled it back, revealing myself to Jude. His gaze lifted, and I watched his surprised expression change into raw hunger.
“I think the zipper isn’t up all the way in the back,” he said, swiftly rising from his chair.
I looked down immediately and turned to check.
“What? Yes, it is. Oh—”
The curtain was yanked shut, and his mouth slammed down on mine. He pressed me up against the cold mirror, and anxious hands slid under my dress. I grabbed fistfuls of his hair, pulling him closer, as his tongue moved against mine, over and over, relentlessly,
“Is everything okay in there?” the clerk hollered from outside the curtain.
My hands froze, and our frenzied kisses slowed. A wicked grin appeared on Jude’s face seconds before he reached up and snapped the tag from the dress.
“Go pay for it,” he said, handing me his wallet. “I’m going to grab your clothes, and I’ll be out…in a minute.”
I looked down to the impressive bulge in his pants, and I had to bite my bottom lip to keep from laughing before I left to pay the weary-eyed cashier.
“Oh my God, we almost had sex in a dressing room!” I giggled into his shoulder as we walked arm in arm down the street minutes later.
“I was perfectly in control. I don’t know what your problem was.”
I playfully smacked his chest as we continued our goofy banter down the block. We stopped at a quiet little Italian restaurant. There was a bit of a wait, so we headed to the bar and took a seat.
“You can order something if you want,” I said, motioning to the bartender on the other side of the bar.
“I don’t need anything.”
I placed my hand on his. “Just because I have limitations doesn’t mean you have to.”
“It’s not that,” he answered. “I haven’t had a drink since the night of the accident. I just can’t.”
Nodding, I smiled warmly. “So, water for both of us?”
His eyes crinkled together. “I think I’ll be daring and go with a Coke.”
“Oh, crazy.”
We ordered our drinks, and after twenty minutes, Jude began to get impatient.
“I’m going to go check on our table. I’ll be right back.” His hand brushed across my back, and then he vanished into the crowd.
I was left swirling the ice in my cup, waiting for him to return.
People sat around the bar, laughing and joking, oblivious to how lucky they were to have moments like this. They were completely unaware of how incredibly blessed they were for the normalcy they had in their lives.
Then again, I was finally having my chance as well.
I was finally the lucky one.
“You look awfully lonely, sitting there, all by yourself,” a deep voice said from behind me.
Smiling, I thought Jude was playing a trick on me, but I turned to find an older broad-shouldered man standing behind me. His neatly trimmed dark hair and dazzling white smile startled me, and I wondered for a moment if he was actually speaking to someone else.
“Excuse me?” I replied softly.
“I said, you look awfully lonely. Can I buy you a drink and join you?”
“Uh…I am actually—”
“She’s spoken for,” Jude’s baritone voice filled the air as his possessive hand slid across my shoulder.
The man looked immediately put out, and his gaze narrowed in on Jude. “Well, I think she probably has a say in that, doesn’t she?” he said smugly, looking down at me like he expected me to shove Jude and throw myself at him instead.
“I’m definitely spoken for. Thanks,” I answered, turning to Jude and forgetting all about the man with the bleach-white smile.
Jude’s hands cupped my face, and he shook his head. “Five seconds. I leave you alone for five seconds, and they’re on you like vultures.”
“I got hit on!” I exclaimed with a slight high-pitched thrill in my voice.
He rolled his eyes. “That was one thing on your list I really could have left undone. Or better yet, I could have just done it myself. In fact, let’s just say I did it first and forget this ever happened.”
“Aw, poor Jude,” I said before sticking my lip out in a fake pout.
He shot forward and bit my lip before sucking it into his mouth for a dizzy kiss. “Mine,” he growled. “Let’s go eat.”
M’kay.
“You invited my mother over?” I repeated for the second time since he’d announced it.
We’d just finished our amazing dinner, and we’d hopped into the car when he dropped the mom bomb on me.
“Angel”—he turned to me after starting the ignition—“Grace can’t stay with you tonight, and you know I can’t leave you alone while I’m at work.”
I might have rolled my eyes as he backed out of the parking space.
“I called her this morning, and she really misses you.”
Guilt? Party of one!
“Well, she hasn’t bothered calling,” I said gruffly, crossing my arms over my chest.
“She said she wanted to give you the space you requested, but it’s been killing her. I think she’s been sneaking updates through Marcus.”
“That just figures,” I grumbled.
He gave me a warm smile as he made a right turn at a stoplight.
“Oh, fine!” I said, caving to his silent torture.
“I know you want to see her.”
“Yeah, I do,” I admitted.
“Good. It’s only a few hours. I managed to get a short shift tonight, so I’ll be home by midnight.”
I nodded as I watched while he killed the engine and opened the door. I looked around and noticed my mother’s car a few spots over. The driver’s side door opened, and she appeared.
“Hi, Lailah,” she greeted me.
We walked up the stairs to Jude’s apartment. We stopped at the door, and she awkwardly wrung her hands together, uncertain what to do next.
“Hi, Mom,” I answered, stepping forward to wrap my arms around her.
She melted, her hands moving around my back, snug and sure. “I missed you,” she said, pulling back to take a look at me. “You look beautiful.”
“Thank you. Why don’t you come in?” I offered.
She nodded as Jude unlocked the door, and we stepped forward. I watched as she appraised the apartment. Over the last week, I’d managed to make it look a little less dismal. A few pillows and blankets on the couch, and the lack of boxes definitely helped.
I offered her a spot on the couch and turned to Jude.
“I’ve got to get to work, but I wanted to give your mom this,” he said, handing off a plastic bag and a piece of notepaper. He turned to my mother. “Her meds are in there, and I wrote down what she needs to take and when just in case it’s changed since the last time she was home.”
I thought my mother’s respect for Jude tripled in that moment as she looked down at the clear bag and silently nodded.
“Thank you,” she replied.
“You got it.”
I turned to him, and he gave me a quick peck on the cheek.
“I have a change of clothes at work, so I’m going to go. You two have a good night,” he said with a smile before heading out the door.
I joined my mom in the living room and watched in curiosity as she quietly gazed down at Jude’s handwritten note regarding my meds.
“He’s really anal.” She let out a short laugh as a single tear ran down her cheek.
“Just like you,” I answered before watching her face crumble. “Mom?” I said, moving closer to her. “What is it?”
“It’s nothing, nothing I can’t fix.”
She was lying. Her features were giving away that much. She’d obviously been doing everything in her power to keep it all together. She was like a jar of sand. It looked so strong on the outside, but just a tap in the right spot, and everything fell apart.
“Mom, please. You’ve spent your life hiding things from me because you thought you were protecting me. Look where it’s gotten us. Tell me,” I pleaded.
Her eyes met mine, and I saw complete devastation.
“Your transplant was denied.”
I couldn’t breathe. The air around me felt too heavy, too gritty, to possibly grasp and swallow down my shallow windpipe. My eyes frantically went to the door where Jude had just left through, and I suddenly wanted to rip it wide open and scream his name to come back.
I need him.
I need him to…what?
Tell me it’s going to be okay? Because it’s not.
None of this is okay.
I looked back at my mom, wide-eyed, with tears running down my face as she waited for me to say something.
“Denied?” I repeated just to make sure I heard the word from my own lips.
She nodded. “But we’re going to appeal it. They can’t do this. They can’t. We will fight. They don’t understand what we’ve been through, what you’ve been through. I’ll explain. I’ll explain everything. I’ll make them see. Marcus will explain, and we will get them to change their minds.”
All her words sounded like white noise. A buzzing in my ears just kept getting louder, stronger, and sharper.
I needed it to stop.
I needed it all to stop.
I wrapped my arms around her and let her sob as she repeated over and over that she would find a way to save me.
I didn’t listen. I didn’t hear any of it.
I was done being saved.